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Original poster

To inform this woman of her cheating shit of a husband, WWYD??

177 replies

totellornot · 04/10/2013 15:52

Long time lurker, occasional poster but have NC for this.

Two people who are employed buy my DH and I have started a relationship, not a problem in itself from a work POV as it has not had a impact there, however the man in question has a wife.

This relationship is known to a very large portion of people who work with the people in question and they have all been asked to keep quiet as the wife is dirty, lazy, uninterested in her husband blah blah blah, all said, I believe to try and justify this affair.

They are apparently planning on telling the wife, moving in together to start their perfect life together in 5 months time JUST AFTER THEY HUSBAND HAS BEEN GRANTED INDEFINITE LEAVE TO REMAIN as he was on a spouse visa first, they married and he was granted another visa for a couple of years and he will now get indefinite leave IF he and his wife are still married and living together and can prove that.

This woman has no clue what is coming, it is such an odd and tense atmosphere when she pops in. As she works nights the husband spends the night with this woman a lot and she seems oblivious to what is going on and last time I spoke to her she mentioned that she wants to start a family next year.

My DH said to leave it- we employ them for their skills and experience not the direction of their moral compass, but an anonymous text from a 99p sim card (I have her number as she gave it to me a while ago) telling her whats going on, will of course bring devastation to her life but without the life long feeling of being used for a passport and the injustice she will feel if it is granted.

If it was me I would rather find out/be told before the person was granted the indefinite leave than after so I would know that even though I have been used they never actually got what they wanted and have to start again, face the questions of the home office will ask (as obviously trying to get a visa) or face deportation.

WWYD?

OP posts:
PresidentServalan · 05/10/2013 00:31

I don't get how, as one pp said, he is likely to screw over the company because he's having an affair? In my 20s I had the sexual morals of an alley cat, but I also worked hard and was very honest at work. One doesn't necessarily lead to the other.

dedado · 05/10/2013 05:27

He is openly lying and expects others to collude in this. Which puts people in an awkward position- hence this thread.

I don't know what you mean by "morals of an alley cat" but suspect you don't mean that you were married and having an affair that joint acquaintances knew about?

MrsHoratioNelson · 05/10/2013 06:13

This is really tricky and complicated by the fact that you are employing him.

I think that, actually, the marriage angle and the visa angle are linked - if this all came out, wife might be in trouble with the home office on the basis that she had colluded in a fraudulent visa application, even if she didn't know - the HO might take the view that she must have known.

KepekCrumbs · 05/10/2013 06:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumofweeboys · 05/10/2013 07:13

I think I would still send an anonmous txt about where he is so she can catch them. Horrific for her initially but the only way he wont be able to explain his way out of itand let her have a clean break. I would want it done this way if my dh then I would know for certain and be able to move on

LovesBeingOnHoliday · 05/10/2013 07:51

you can report here and tell them what you do know which will have to include where he works but can be done without giving your info

MissMalonex2 · 05/10/2013 08:04

I'd tell her - anonymous text.

Isn't what he is planning re the visa fraud? Claiming indefinite leave in false grounds? Immigration might also be interested...

NandH · 05/10/2013 08:08

Tell her, poor woman! Know one would know it was you, just be sure to get rid of the sim card aswell!

nightcircus · 05/10/2013 08:13

I'd text her- but make sure you put lots of details about exactly what has been said, who the affair is with, any planned dates so she has full info when making a decision.

YellowDinosaur · 05/10/2013 08:20

She needs to be told, preferably face to face, but by some means so she is able to decide what she wants to do. Her husband is a massive cunt to not only cheat on her but do it as openly as this and hopefully she will kick him out.

But consider this. She loves her husband dearly. He is extremely contrite when caught and they work through this. However because you have meddled with immigration because of heresay they do not grant him indefinite leave to remain and ultimately they have to leave the UK. They have a child together and sometime down the line he cheats again. This time his wife decides enough is enough and plans to leave him. Or this time he leaves her. But because their child has been brought up in the country where they are now living she is not granted permission to take them with her so must remain in a country where she has no support.

Or you don't meddle with immigration, because so far its all heresy and he might not leave his wife at all, so for the moment there is no visa fraud, they sort it out, and when the inevitable happens at least she is at home with family and friends.

So i'm massively extrapolating here. But this is peoples lives. Give her the information she needs so she is fully in the picture and can make an informed decision about what she wants to do. Then leave them to sort out their lives in the way they choose without doing things that make it more complicated and difficult for them. Because while I wouldn't accept this situation plenty of women do and if his wife is one if then you don't want to make things harder for her.

Blu · 05/10/2013 08:51

So if you tell her face to face she will tell her H and it will be all round your employees that you as a boss take it upon yourself to make interventions in their family lives? Remember his colleagues are shoeing loyalty to him.

You could find yourself subject to a Grievance, even.

The situation is horrible, but his wife is the wife of one of your many employees, not your friend or sister.

If you want to do the right thing call your employee in and tell him that it is unprofessional to be involving his colleagues in subterfuge and that as an employer it puts you in a difficult position that he involves all your staff in lrotecting a position that could be unlawful and that he must not ask colleagues to lie on his behalf over anything to do with his visa status.

If you do the anonymous thing you are actually lying to your DH. How dies that give you the moral justification to interfere with other people's lives?

As employer it really isn't your role to take moral judgmental action and interfere in the personal lives of your employees .

DevonLodger · 05/10/2013 19:43

A friend of mine received an anonymous email telling him about his wife's affair. Names, places how long it had been going for. She couldn't deny it. He was hurt but ultimately thankful and secretly relieved because he knew things weren't right. He was a laughing stock and someone took pity on him. 10 years on, he's divorced, happily remarried, 3 beautiful kids and great career. He would say do it and if it were me I'd want to know.

chantana · 04/08/2017 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mogulfield · 04/08/2017 19:08

Tell her, she can decide how she deals with it when she has the info. If she knows then you're just telling her something she already knows.
The likelihood is she doesn't know.
It will also put an end to people feeling awkward at work. I've been on business trips where men have cheated (on a trip of 20 it was as high as 7 of them once), then they've introduced me to their wife/girlfriend at the next work social, brazen as you like.
I told them to stop doing it as I hate being put in that position. It's not fair what he's doing to his colleagues in this respect.

SamoyedSam · 04/08/2017 19:09

A friend of mine was duped by a man who said he was single. She subsequently found out about his partner of many years. She instantly broke it off with him and told the partner. My impression, when I also spoke to the partner to confirm my friend's version of events, was that she was devastated but grateful to know.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 04/08/2017 19:11

Spammer reanimated zombie

Redglitter · 04/08/2017 19:11

Since the thread is almost 4 years old chances are the OP has made her decision by now Hmm

MaryShelley1818 · 04/08/2017 19:13

FFS...ZOMBIE THREAD!!!!!

rjay123 · 04/08/2017 19:13

Arghhhh zombies!

SamoyedSam · 04/08/2017 19:17

Ahhhh..ffs!! Grin Feel like a right dickhead now Grin!

Goingtobeawesome · 04/08/2017 19:27

I was going to say don't do it but haven't read all the extras I would definitely tell her. Maybe report him to the officials first/instead/as well?

winglesspegasus · 04/08/2017 19:35

watched my sis get used by an immigrant/not only did he have a wife and many gf's he had another wife in the country he was from.
no i am not anti immigration
i am anti fuckin users of any kind
tell immigration agency
or find a way to tell her.
this is abuse

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/08/2017 19:37

Please tell her, it will hurt, but not as much, as it would, if you didn't.

PoorYorick · 04/08/2017 19:50

I normally stay out of it, but given the visa thing, in this case yes, I would tell her.

Miserylovescompany2 · 04/08/2017 19:56

I wonder what happened? Did OP tell or not? Confused

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