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AIBU?

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Original poster

To inform this woman of her cheating shit of a husband, WWYD??

177 replies

totellornot · 04/10/2013 15:52

Long time lurker, occasional poster but have NC for this.

Two people who are employed buy my DH and I have started a relationship, not a problem in itself from a work POV as it has not had a impact there, however the man in question has a wife.

This relationship is known to a very large portion of people who work with the people in question and they have all been asked to keep quiet as the wife is dirty, lazy, uninterested in her husband blah blah blah, all said, I believe to try and justify this affair.

They are apparently planning on telling the wife, moving in together to start their perfect life together in 5 months time JUST AFTER THEY HUSBAND HAS BEEN GRANTED INDEFINITE LEAVE TO REMAIN as he was on a spouse visa first, they married and he was granted another visa for a couple of years and he will now get indefinite leave IF he and his wife are still married and living together and can prove that.

This woman has no clue what is coming, it is such an odd and tense atmosphere when she pops in. As she works nights the husband spends the night with this woman a lot and she seems oblivious to what is going on and last time I spoke to her she mentioned that she wants to start a family next year.

My DH said to leave it- we employ them for their skills and experience not the direction of their moral compass, but an anonymous text from a 99p sim card (I have her number as she gave it to me a while ago) telling her whats going on, will of course bring devastation to her life but without the life long feeling of being used for a passport and the injustice she will feel if it is granted.

If it was me I would rather find out/be told before the person was granted the indefinite leave than after so I would know that even though I have been used they never actually got what they wanted and have to start again, face the questions of the home office will ask (as obviously trying to get a visa) or face deportation.

WWYD?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 04/10/2013 16:11

I would tell her because of the visa thing

It's just so nasty intending to screw someone over for the next 5 months.

FCEK · 04/10/2013 16:11

I'm thinking if you were to tell her and he denied it and other colleagues backed him up, then what then? how would you make her believe you? Perhaps if you included in your text 'tonight he and she will be at...'

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 04/10/2013 16:11

I'd tell her, giving her enough detail and information that she c an catch them together so that the situation Brandy suggests doesnt arise. I think you would be causing yourself issues if you told her directly.

VoiceofRaisin · 04/10/2013 16:12

Stay out of it. You have no idea what implications this man not getting his visa might bring about, let alone what his position with his DW is. It would constitute serious meddling with other people's lives without enough information.

thegreylady · 04/10/2013 16:12

She needs to know and soon.She is being used in a very cynical way.

Itsjustafleshwound · 04/10/2013 16:12

I don't think it really is your place to be stepping in and going on gossip. I think as an employer, it is right to call these two employees in and tell them to sort themselves out.

An anonymous call to the home office could also do the trick ... But don't go wading in to a marriage

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 04/10/2013 16:12

X posts fcek!

TheSydenhamSet · 04/10/2013 16:13

I'd want to know x

BeScarefulWhatYouWitchFor · 04/10/2013 16:13

With the economy as it is today surely there should be someone else who could do the job.

I'd want to know but I don't think you should do it by text. She may just dismiss it or, even if she confronts him, he may be able to wriggle his way out of it somehow.

Alternatively a phone call to the appropriate authorities instead?

Original poster
totellornot · 04/10/2013 16:14

On a personal level I want to fire them as its horrible and the fact that they are so open about it pisses me right off, We have a policy that if people are in a relationship where one is senior to the other then they are not on the same shift, and that people in a relationship without a difference in seniority do not work in the same zone/department if they cannot be put on different shifts, so I can't sack them. Plus annoyingly they are good workers and DH is right that we don't employ them for their morals.

I did think about informing the home office but I don't think that they would be able to do anything if bills in joint names and other supporting documents are submitted anyway.

Plus I can't mis use the information I have on his file in that way as with out looking I can only recall his first and last name, the street in which he lives (not the number) and the month of his birth and I can't open his file to give the missing info/passport number/visa number. But then I question if I would be misusing the information as he is trying to obtain something from the state by deceiving them???

OP posts:
squoosh · 04/10/2013 16:15

If it was me I would definitely want to know.

I'd rather be heartbroken now than heartbroken in 5 months times with the added sucker punch of knowing this wanker has been granted the golden prize of a visa too.

Knowing his plans were dashed might be cold comfort but at least it's some comfort.

Onebuddhaisnotenough · 04/10/2013 16:15

I would absolutely tell her but I would do it face to face rather than anonymously. I will be eternally grateful to the person who had the guts to tell me about twatty ex and OW. I didn't know him well but he absolutely did the right thing.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 04/10/2013 16:16

Do it. I would. This lady is being deceived in a really awful way by her cunt of a husband who by the sound of it is using her. She might already have an inkling he's up to no good and this could be the push she needs to get rid of him.

Obviously if she decides to stick with him then least you know you tried. As for his OW she's a fucking fool. He treats his wife badly, slags her off and is using her. what makes this bit on the side think she's immune from it? Hmm

Lilicat1013 · 04/10/2013 16:19

I'd tell her, due to the fact he has been open with it and asked people to keep it a secret by going along with that I was supporting him and supporting his cheating.

I would also hate to be in her position and would prefer to be told if I was.

Itsjustafleshwound · 04/10/2013 16:19

Our IDR still meant that the conditions imposed on me wrt the spousal visa stayed the same before I applied for citizenship. If it changes so does the visa.

IcedTeaOneSugar · 04/10/2013 16:19

I would do it as you say with a untraceable sim card but I wouldn't tell anyone in RL.

It's common knowledge in your company so plausible deniability is your friend.

Personally I would feel compelled to do it.

Sallyingforth · 04/10/2013 16:21

You only need to tell the wife about the affair, because that's the right thing to do.
What happens after that is up to her - you can't predict or influence the outcome. If she leaves him, that is the time for someone to tell the H.O.

You can't just dismiss one or both employees if they are doing their jobs properly, or you'll face a tribunal. You'd have to go though a formal procedure, provide evidence (not just hearsay) that they were breaking relationship rules, give them a chance to stop, etc etc. Don't go there.

Original poster
totellornot · 04/10/2013 16:28

I know that his wife has a mother who she sees often and a sister with whom she is quite close to, not sure about friends though.

I had planned to text to say that this is where to find him tonight so he would not be able to deny it, however It would be even more horrible for her to go alone and make the discovery.
I may have to do it face to face which will be quite frankly shit.

I am thinking also that in a couple of months it will be next year when she said she wants to start a family so there could be a new pregnancy before the visa is issued then there would be a pregnancy to add onto the mix too.

From a business POV I have a number of part time staff who wanted full time hours which we were unable to give, they do overtime if there is any and cover sickness/holidays so we could manage in the short term and employ some uni students for part time/casual hours as we have been given a number of CVs with the start of uni term

OP posts:
RedorBlack · 04/10/2013 16:30

Another vote for telling the wife. I would want to know. And while you may not have hired him for his morals this would raise a red flag on his lack of ethics to me. You can't fire him for this, but if he can no longer work for you because he has lost his visa, I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

His poor wife Hmm

Original poster
totellornot · 04/10/2013 16:30

Should one or both leave or be forced to (due to HO) because of the situation.

OP posts:
Onesleeptillwembley · 04/10/2013 16:34

This is against what I would normally advise, but I think you owe it to her to tell her. Anonymously for your and your husbands interests, but she is being betrayed and used in countless ways here.

Balaboosta · 04/10/2013 16:34

Sorry, I disagree. Don't tell her. None of your business and the visa thing is only hearsay.

Inertia · 04/10/2013 16:44

I don't think an anonymous message is the way to do it - she does deserve to know, but that method is easily explained by the husband as the actions of a crazy jealous person. You could also leave your company at risk of accusations of improper conduct.

As you have a policy on this, I would use the expertise of your HR department and get specific legal advice from an employment law specialist. You don't want to get on the wrong side of the Home Office. If HR and legal agree, I would consider calling him in for an official meeting to discuss your policy on relationships between staff members and your action plan, then send a recorded delivery letter to follow it up.

I would also investigate what responsibilities you have as an employer to report potential visa fraud. That isn't meddling if you know that your company could be held partially responsible for facilitating visa fraud.

loopylou6 · 04/10/2013 17:09

I would absolutely tell her. She deserves to know.

FracturedViewOfLife · 04/10/2013 17:12

I would tell. It's the visa thing that would annoy me forever if he got away with it.