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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To inform this woman of her cheating shit of a husband, WWYD??

177 replies

totellornot · 04/10/2013 15:52

Long time lurker, occasional poster but have NC for this.

Two people who are employed buy my DH and I have started a relationship, not a problem in itself from a work POV as it has not had a impact there, however the man in question has a wife.

This relationship is known to a very large portion of people who work with the people in question and they have all been asked to keep quiet as the wife is dirty, lazy, uninterested in her husband blah blah blah, all said, I believe to try and justify this affair.

They are apparently planning on telling the wife, moving in together to start their perfect life together in 5 months time JUST AFTER THEY HUSBAND HAS BEEN GRANTED INDEFINITE LEAVE TO REMAIN as he was on a spouse visa first, they married and he was granted another visa for a couple of years and he will now get indefinite leave IF he and his wife are still married and living together and can prove that.

This woman has no clue what is coming, it is such an odd and tense atmosphere when she pops in. As she works nights the husband spends the night with this woman a lot and she seems oblivious to what is going on and last time I spoke to her she mentioned that she wants to start a family next year.

My DH said to leave it- we employ them for their skills and experience not the direction of their moral compass, but an anonymous text from a 99p sim card (I have her number as she gave it to me a while ago) telling her whats going on, will of course bring devastation to her life but without the life long feeling of being used for a passport and the injustice she will feel if it is granted.

If it was me I would rather find out/be told before the person was granted the indefinite leave than after so I would know that even though I have been used they never actually got what they wanted and have to start again, face the questions of the home office will ask (as obviously trying to get a visa) or face deportation.

WWYD?

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 04/10/2013 17:14

Tell her, once she's had a child with him he can use that child as leverage to get indefinite remain to stay. I've seen it, a close friends arsehole ex did that, demanding access to their child, once he got his indefinite leave to remain his desire to see his child suddenly vanished and he was marrying some other woman not even the OW.

Tel her, so at least she can choose to whether to be used for a visa like this.

Ive seen it happen a lot.

LeoandBoosmum · 04/10/2013 17:15

I'd tell her using that anonymous number. He is a vile user! I know you are employing him for his skills but the affair (and using his wife for a visa!) shows he is deceitful and dishonest. I wouldn't even trust him to work for you (keep an eye on your books!)

ARoundSoundLikeGround · 04/10/2013 17:17

Tell her.
And I'd be tempted to alert the relevant authorities too. Despicable behaviour all round. Can't believe he doesn't even have the decency to hide it (not that that would make it any better)

Charlottehere · 04/10/2013 17:21

Yes you should

PresidentServalan · 04/10/2013 17:37

Don't tell her - if it doesn't impact on their work, it isn't any of your business.

squoosh · 04/10/2013 17:42

If there wasn't a visa element involved I'd leave well alone, but I'm afraid that goes way beyond cheating for me.

AhoyAhoy · 04/10/2013 17:43

The immigration process is stressful and expensive and genuine couples are made to jump through hoops to prove themselves.

This man should not be allowed to abuse the system.

If his wife really loves him, she will already be going through enough stress, saving up all their documents for when they have
to compile it in 5 months, pay a small fortune, then wait weeks for the response.

She doesn't need to be dumped at the end of it all.

I would do something, not sure what, but definitely stop this man from hurting her, and comiting fraud.

GoshAnneGorilla · 04/10/2013 17:44

Tell her.

I also have a special antipathy towards people who screw over other people for visas. I know some people who've have their lives absolutely ruined because they thought they were in a genuine marriage, but their spouse was only using them for a visa.

MammaTJ · 04/10/2013 17:46

I would tell her too! I would certainly want to know if it were me in her position!

maddening · 04/10/2013 17:47

I would tell her.

frumpypigskin · 04/10/2013 17:51

On a professional level I think your husband has the right attitude.... however... I would tell the wife.

I would want someone to tell me if they knew for sure that my husband was cheating. The added element of stringing her along for the visa and then leaving her is really cruel.

I hope you do it and I hope she acts on it.

LeoandBoosmum · 04/10/2013 17:53

As some others here have said - and I agree - you should tell her anonymously and leave it at that (don't tell another soul and deny, deny, deny!) What she does with the information is her business but at least you will know she knows, even if she stays with him. I would caution against telling her face to face...
The visa thing is tricky... You would have to hope that if you anonymously tell her, she'll tell the relevant authorities herself... If she doesn't and sticks with him, I'm not sure what you can do about the visa issue without it coming out about you involvement in exposing his indiscretion to his wife...
As this woman is planning a family with him, I would have to tell - that would be a deal breaker for me, even more so than the visa. I wouldn't want an unwanted pregnancy, abortion or abandoned child on my conscience when I could have at least warned the wife. At least you know she has some family support. I would text her, tell her where they will be and advise she take a family member to witness...
You're in a difficult place. I don't envy you. :(

IcedTeaOneSugar · 04/10/2013 17:54

Personally I would stay way out of it as an employer, far too complicated, risky in terms of tribunals, implications for your relationship with other employees and frankly none of your business.

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 04/10/2013 17:55

I'm not sure an anonymous sim card is the way to go about it if you do tell her.

If I got a text from a number I didn't know telling me my husband was having an affair, and then wasn't able to reply or call, I don't think I would believe it. She would probably tell him, he would talk his way out of it and then he would be forewarned to be more careful.

I guess you could tell her that he is never home at night, or if he and the woman go to a certain pub or something so she can actually catch them.

BalloonSlayer · 04/10/2013 17:56

Another vote for tell her.

And "My DH said to leave it- we employ them for their skills and experience not the direction of their moral compass, " - that's as may be but I hope he is aware that a bloke like this screw the company over as easily as he is screwing his wife over.

I wouldn't want such a shite working for me.

Birdsgottafly · 04/10/2013 17:58

As the employer, your DH is colluding in this fraud, which is of a national level. I think he needs to check his ibligations, tbh.

If it comes out that this was widly known about (via the ex wife) there will be enquiries made and questioned asked why your DH is willing to ignore fraud committed at this level.

Many employers won't ignore a workplace affair as it always causes problems, eventually, it is a stackable offence in a lot of places (let alone major fraud).

Your DH should be bothered about the character of his employees, I would not want to work/leave my personal belongs around someone so dishonest, tbh.

On a side note, there are families being deported, who are leaving other relatives here, why should this low life (I use that about any cheater) be allowed to stay.

His wife is a ninth their future, whilst he is counting down the days until he can leave, it is disgusting that people will be in a room with him, let al

Birdsgottafly · 04/10/2013 17:58

"Let sl

Birdsgottafly · 04/10/2013 17:59

"Let alone work with him".

Your DH needs to wake up to the responsibility of being an employer.

mignonette · 04/10/2013 18:02

Tell her If you are sure that she thinks it is a love match. Are you absolutely positive that the wife didn't marry him knowing it was to gain him leave to stay? People do enter into these contracts.

lunar1 · 04/10/2013 18:02

I would tell her, she needs a sti check. The twats could affect her health and fertility. She has to know, I would do it face to face though.

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps · 04/10/2013 18:02

I would rather be told but not sure I would believe it from an anonymous sim..... Not for a while anyway.

Tee2072 · 04/10/2013 18:02

He can have his visa revoked if they split up.

Icelollycraving · 04/10/2013 18:03

I think she deserves to know. I understand where your dh is coming from too. Are you the only woman at the workplace aside from ow? I doubt a man would spill the beans,if you are the only woman I think it'll be obvious it's you.

DameDeepRedBetty · 04/10/2013 18:04

In what way is this man an asset to the UK? Not only is he committing a heartless fraud on his wife to get his visa, he is also stupid enough to tell loads of people what he's doing!

skyeskyeskye · 04/10/2013 18:05

Opinion is always divided on tell/don't tell.

I think in this case, that you should tell the wife, but face to face, not visa a text message.

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