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AIBU?

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Original poster

To inform this woman of her cheating shit of a husband, WWYD??

177 replies

totellornot · 04/10/2013 15:52

Long time lurker, occasional poster but have NC for this.

Two people who are employed buy my DH and I have started a relationship, not a problem in itself from a work POV as it has not had a impact there, however the man in question has a wife.

This relationship is known to a very large portion of people who work with the people in question and they have all been asked to keep quiet as the wife is dirty, lazy, uninterested in her husband blah blah blah, all said, I believe to try and justify this affair.

They are apparently planning on telling the wife, moving in together to start their perfect life together in 5 months time JUST AFTER THEY HUSBAND HAS BEEN GRANTED INDEFINITE LEAVE TO REMAIN as he was on a spouse visa first, they married and he was granted another visa for a couple of years and he will now get indefinite leave IF he and his wife are still married and living together and can prove that.

This woman has no clue what is coming, it is such an odd and tense atmosphere when she pops in. As she works nights the husband spends the night with this woman a lot and she seems oblivious to what is going on and last time I spoke to her she mentioned that she wants to start a family next year.

My DH said to leave it- we employ them for their skills and experience not the direction of their moral compass, but an anonymous text from a 99p sim card (I have her number as she gave it to me a while ago) telling her whats going on, will of course bring devastation to her life but without the life long feeling of being used for a passport and the injustice she will feel if it is granted.

If it was me I would rather find out/be told before the person was granted the indefinite leave than after so I would know that even though I have been used they never actually got what they wanted and have to start again, face the questions of the home office will ask (as obviously trying to get a visa) or face deportation.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Snipface · 04/10/2013 18:05

Another vote for tell her. She needs to know, and deserves better than finding out everyone knew behind her back and did nothing.

Captainbarnacles1101 · 04/10/2013 18:13

I agree. I think if it was me I'd be mortified that everyone knew and had to face me when I dropped in. Tell her and save her any more humiliation.

MsIngaFewmarbles · 04/10/2013 18:13

In these circumstances I would definitely tell her, face to face.

stiffstink · 04/10/2013 18:14

You know that from the bloke's POV, the marriage is a sham.

I think that you need to protect your business from future difficulties by notifying the authorities that the basis on which he is working in the UK is a lie.

Then tell the wife.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 04/10/2013 18:17

Touch call. I would want to know. Whatever the situation with a visa or his job or anything else - that is all irrelevant. I would need to be told by someone who was prepared to put their name to the information and be calm and supportive, or perhaps be told with a friend/relative present.

What are her options if he loses his job and visa?

yegodsandlittlefishes · 04/10/2013 18:18

*tough, not touch obviously.

NicknameIncomplete · 04/10/2013 18:20

I am another one who thinks that you should tell her.

When my exh cheated i wished that someone would have told me instead i had my exh making me out to be a paranoid horrible wife.

Id say do it face to face as she may have questions she needs answering.

expatinscotland · 04/10/2013 18:21

I would tell her. What he is doing when he applies is fraud. I would shop him to Border Agency, too.

I would not hesitate at all to do so.

I would also sack the pair of them if they signed contracts with clauses about fraternising.

expatinscotland · 04/10/2013 18:22

'What are her options if he loses his job and visa?'

She's British, she carries on her life as normal. He is using sham marriage and making it harder for everyone else going through the process who is legit.

MissDD1971 · 04/10/2013 18:24

You could tell her but as Inertia and others say, what if she stays with him etc?

Home Office/HR etc and employment law people should all be used and also relationships between staff members.

HOWEVER, re the relationships between staff members some companies (I worked for one are VERY lackadaisical) and even if affairs etc are being carried on, the company don't give a F and in a sense why should they?

MissDD1971 · 04/10/2013 18:28

expat - trust me - I work in an office where we have immigration cases. vast majority get through come what may.

there are a few - very few cases where people can be sent home (one I totally didn't understand) but on the whole especially if you have money and means to support yourself, you stay.

The home office don't care on the whole who is having a sham marriage, conning them etc...

the amount of people I've seen who can stay in this country and there are blatant reasons why they shouldn't (major drug problems etc) are amazing.

what would happen in this case is it'd be dragged out then if refused appealed and he'd stay. almost 99.9% certain on that one.

MissDD1971 · 04/10/2013 18:30

OP - you could depending on how he's employed by your company - employer sponsor visa etc - just reject that or look into plans using specialist employment lawyer to reject that. and a 2 pronged attack using the affair too. but maybe he'd have to get divorced or start it and wife would have to name affair woman as co-respondent.

MESSY

expatinscotland · 04/10/2013 18:32

I'd tell her anyway, Miss.

MissDD1971 · 04/10/2013 18:34

yeah guess so re telling. what a fucker. but OP doesn't employ them for their morals. GRRR

just like others have said (just read the thread) could open up a whole can of worms, re unfair dismissal, immigration etc cases.

trust me - all this is not cheap and is very costly!

raisah · 04/10/2013 18:35

Tell the wife, why should she be used to get her cheating husband a passport on the back of her honestly. If the new couple are so in love then there will be no problem for ow to follow her dp to his home country after deportation to continue the love affair.

MissDD1971 · 04/10/2013 18:38

raisah if only life were really like that takes off rose tinted glasses.

DoJo · 04/10/2013 18:46

As I always say, the cheated on partner is unknowingly at risk of STDs if they person that they are sleeping with is sleeping with someone else. For this reason alone, I would advocate telling her - why should she be at risk of infertility, discomfort or even premature death because he can't keep it in his pants?

Original poster
totellornot · 04/10/2013 18:55

Thanks for the replies everyone. I think that a larger number of people have said that the wife should know, I know that I would want to know if it was me.

Have had a chat with DH about the situation and he has decided that actually we should do or say something.

Every Tuesday there are immigration officers at our local police station for people who have restrictions on them and they have to go and report to them every week/2 weeks/month so we are planning on going to get some general information and depending on what they say hand them his details. DH and I are in agreement that if they say we are obligated to inform them of any deception then this 100% warrants releasing what we know. Plus hopefully they will be in touch with him???

We will make an appointment to get some legal guidance.

We are planning on calling them both in for a meeting separately followed up in writing (as helpfully suggested by someone up thread, good idea Hopefully he is not home when letter arrives and the wife opens it ).

If by taking all these steps the wife is none the wiser then I will let her know, I am as yet undecided on how to do this.

OP posts:
34DD · 04/10/2013 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quoteunquote · 04/10/2013 19:09

Tell her, I have never met a single person that would not want to know.

and from a business point of view, I have always found that when people go through split ups they require a lot of time off work, so be prepared either way to arrange cover.

Original poster
totellornot · 04/10/2013 19:10

34DD I think if it was me the urge for that exact same holiday would come over me too!

OP posts:
34DD · 04/10/2013 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreeWee · 04/10/2013 19:26

Good decision OP.

Geneticsbunny · 04/10/2013 19:29

My friend was the wife in an almost identcal situation. I wish someone had told her.

ProphetOfDoom · 04/10/2013 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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