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AIBU?

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Original poster

To inform this woman of her cheating shit of a husband, WWYD??

177 replies

totellornot · 04/10/2013 15:52

Long time lurker, occasional poster but have NC for this.

Two people who are employed buy my DH and I have started a relationship, not a problem in itself from a work POV as it has not had a impact there, however the man in question has a wife.

This relationship is known to a very large portion of people who work with the people in question and they have all been asked to keep quiet as the wife is dirty, lazy, uninterested in her husband blah blah blah, all said, I believe to try and justify this affair.

They are apparently planning on telling the wife, moving in together to start their perfect life together in 5 months time JUST AFTER THEY HUSBAND HAS BEEN GRANTED INDEFINITE LEAVE TO REMAIN as he was on a spouse visa first, they married and he was granted another visa for a couple of years and he will now get indefinite leave IF he and his wife are still married and living together and can prove that.

This woman has no clue what is coming, it is such an odd and tense atmosphere when she pops in. As she works nights the husband spends the night with this woman a lot and she seems oblivious to what is going on and last time I spoke to her she mentioned that she wants to start a family next year.

My DH said to leave it- we employ them for their skills and experience not the direction of their moral compass, but an anonymous text from a 99p sim card (I have her number as she gave it to me a while ago) telling her whats going on, will of course bring devastation to her life but without the life long feeling of being used for a passport and the injustice she will feel if it is granted.

If it was me I would rather find out/be told before the person was granted the indefinite leave than after so I would know that even though I have been used they never actually got what they wanted and have to start again, face the questions of the home office will ask (as obviously trying to get a visa) or face deportation.

WWYD?

OP posts:
SybilRamkin · 04/10/2013 19:38

Good decision OP, you're doing the right thing.

dedado · 04/10/2013 19:43

I would tell her. She's going to find out anyway, so the only difference is the timescale in which she begins to rebuild her life.

In telling her now you could save her from STIs that reduce her chance of ever getting pregnant.

I'd want shot of the other 2. The fact they're so brazen is not a good sign. They have no qualms about lying, do they?

EllaFitzgerald · 04/10/2013 20:03

I think I'd still tell her. The Home Office can't go round revoking visas willy nilly. Quite rightly, proof is needed which can be put before an Immigration Judge if the visa revocation carries a right of appeal and, although I'm not suggesting for a second that you've made it up, essentially, it's your word against his.

If she knows about it, then she's at least got the option of whether she wants to support his application for indefinite leave. Once he's got that, it will be an awful lot harder to prove that he's a lying, cheating arse of a man, rather than an innocent spouse whose marriage sadly broke down with no one at fault.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 04/10/2013 20:04

You're going about it the wrong way by approaching the visa angle. You have no idea what the wife will do when she finds out, she may choose to stay in the marriage. At the moment he has done nothing to jeopardise his ILR by their rules as he is still living in his marriage. Until she knows and makes a decision about the marriage there is nothing that immigration would, or could do. You need to tell her and let her decide what to do wrt immigration.

PAsSweetOrangeLurve · 04/10/2013 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skylerwhite · 04/10/2013 20:26

I think you're overstepping the mark, OP, by going to Immigration. If your concern is for the man's wife, how will this help her? Immigration officials turn up at her doorstep and tell her that her husband is cheating? Tell the wife if you want to tell the wife, but don't do it this way.

Personally, I think it's none of your business to meddle in your employees' private lives, to be honest.

Pilgit · 04/10/2013 20:33

FWIW my opinion: if you want her to know, tell her. Don't hide behind anonymity as that will just be dismissed as someone being jealous or victimising the bloke in this situation.

SquidgyMummy · 04/10/2013 20:45

The cheating employee in question may well decide that it is more important to repair his marriage to get his visa than get his end away with his colleague.

You do not want to be the messenger and in the short term get a whole load of grief from the employee and his wife.

I would discuss this with HR first, even before you talk to the immigration officials. You do not want this turned round that your company was turning a blind eye to a potential visa fraud.

I agree that the wife should be told, but your business is also your livelihood so protect that first.

Once you can prove to be doing everything above board, then tell his wife.

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 04/10/2013 20:48

I'd definitely tell her, she deserves to know what a scumbag her partner is.

Inertia · 04/10/2013 20:51

I think you need specialist legal advice. There are so many potential pitfalls around immigration / visa issues, employee rights, and data protection that you have to be pretty careful.

ZenNudist · 04/10/2013 20:53

Tell her. In the circs I'd ring her but if you're afraid of impact on dh's business anonymous text ok.

If I were your dh I'd be looking at disciplining them. Does this affect their work at all? If one has responsibility for the other in work capacity is also grounds for discipline and working out new arrangements fairer on other staff.

BettyBotter · 04/10/2013 21:08

I had a friend in the same position as the wife here (except she found out due to her h's brazen publicising of his affair when he decided he 'wasn't really a one woman man'.)

Thing is, the husband isn't actually breaking any laws here. He's still genuinely married to his wife despite shagging around. He didn't get his visa on false pretences as it was presumably a genuine marriage, and it's unlikely that even if you told the wife this very evening, she would get divorced and out of the marriage before his indefinite leave to remain comes through. I don't think the immigration people will be too interested in third party news of infidelity.

It's actually more of a moral issue than a legal one. But still tell her.

itsonlyme85 · 04/10/2013 21:31

Take photos of them print them out and put them through the letterbox, hopefully his wife see's them before he does. Include a note telling her how long its been going on and put that if she don't believe you she should go to work pretend to be ill and get sent home. Hopefully she will catch them. And she won't no it was you

kali110 · 04/10/2013 21:36

Tell her

MissStrawberry · 04/10/2013 21:43

"If dh is in accordance then yes to telling her."

Who died and made him God?

MikeOxard · 04/10/2013 21:56

I hope she finds out before she falls pregnant, how awful. :(

HollaAtMeBaby · 04/10/2013 22:03

Tell her, tell her NOW! She could get pg any time!

fuzzywuzzy · 04/10/2013 22:15

If they part and she begins divorce proceedings and informs the home office of the change in status, his visa conditions have changed and he does not get indefinite leave to remain.

That has to be done in the time period tho.

zoobaby · 04/10/2013 22:19

You've got to marvel at the reasoning of the OW here. What a charmer she's gone and found, huh?

cjel · 04/10/2013 22:20

I think you should tell his wife, but leave immigration out of it. Untll she knows he isn't doing anything wrong visa wise.

mrspremise · 04/10/2013 22:23

Tell her pdq, he's a dick

bimbabirba · 04/10/2013 22:47

You don't have any obligations to report him to the Home Office because you don't know for sure that he's about to commit fraud. There is no evidence that he's not just like any other fucker who has an affair but has no actual intention of leaving the wife. It's a personal matter and you don't know that fraud is what he's going to do and for this reason there is no obligation to report.
I would be careful not to overstep your boundaries as an employer because that could really get you into trouble, not the lack of reporting.

bimbabirba · 04/10/2013 22:52

Just to add, who told you that they're planning to tell the wife after he gets the indefinite leave to remain? If it's just hearsay it's worthless information for the home office

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 04/10/2013 23:29

Tell her. It is the right thing to do. He is playing her for a cunt. I would Rain on his parade.

BeCool · 04/10/2013 23:58

I think the situation is complicated because you are these peoples employer. What duties of care etc do you owe then via that relationship?

If he splits with his wife but is otherwise law abiding etc I think he is very likely to still get Indefinite Leave to Remain.

So I would tell her, but anonymously so it's not linked back to you - the employer. As you say many people know so it could be any number of folk. If she wants to be in denial about it, well that is her choice. But chances are things will start to add up for her.