For followers of the swimsuit stealing MIL...

[fairy1303]

I have worked so hard to get things back on track - to be pleasant but firm.
Things have got better. She has been here a couple of times as a guest only and has not been upstairs.

She invited herself to slimming world.
She has been told by doc to slim as she is borderline diabetic.

We got there - she was incensed that the leader could not put her in touch with a diabetic expert. Literally fuming.
Leader offered to put her in touch with another member following SW diabetics plan.

MIL fuming, been told bad advice etc etc.
I said 'if you can't follow this diet, there is no point you paying, it would be a waste of your money' MIL stews some more.

'No, I don't think i will follow it'

I had to speak to the leader anyway so I told MIL not to worry, I'll have a quick word with Leader and explain that plan is not for MIl.

We leave.

MIL tells me that nobody is fucking taking her fucking seriously and this is a massive life change - I say that I understand how serious it is and am trying to be supportive but no point paying for sw if she can't follow it (doc Han told her to avoid carbs, not eat too much fruit, etc).

I tell her there's no need to get upset, it's not an issue, we will find another way, and anyway, she is doing well on own.

To this I get told I'm an interfering bitch, why do I have to always get involved?!

I tell her to calm down.

I get told she 'always puts up with my moods (being told not to steal my children's clothes), bites her tongue, I'm a rude bitch and a horrible horrible person.' She then kicks me out of her car and tries to drive off with the baby in it. I have to chase after car (massive scene outside sainsburys) and get baby and stuff out.

I was so upset I was nearly sick.

I've just walked the hour home in the rain.

I don't know what to do. DH wants to speak to her but I don't want to exacerbate the situation but honestly I don't even want to see her again - big rows and scenes like that are just not me.

So WIBU to cut her out now for good and just let DH take children round to see her?

You have had some really good advice and IMO even if my DH was prepared to take DSD, I would not be happy with her going today. I would still rather go out as a family and do something else.

As for getting your MIL to seek medical help, I would not get involved, this is for your DH to suggest. I think it more wise to totally back off now.

Well it's hard for OP to disengage because she is the focus of the madness. Until someone gets mil to understand that her behaviour is unhinged it's going to be impossible because there is this desire to let dd continue the relationship with her granny and therefore OP can't disengage.

Over to dh and FIL, and lets hope FIL doesn't carry on enabling this madness for a quiet life at his end.

I am wondering if MIL is replaying in her head whatever happened with dsd's birth mother?

It is an unusual situation where she is completely out of the picture and the father has sole custody.

She is not acting normal. She is dangerous. Be very careful.

She is not completely out of the picture holey she is in and out. Some weeks she has her one night, then goes weeks with no contact etc etc. she is very unreliable.

Fairy was it you who was diagnosed with PND? How is that now? There seems to be a lot of concern about MIL's health, I'm just wondering if she's shown any concern for yours?

hi fairy. have you done any reading about narcissists ? I would have a google as there is some good advice on how to manage them. (though perhaps easier said than done!)

you mil is creating drama to maintain her role at the centre of your family. she does not actually know how to have a positive role in the family. she gets a lot of energy by behaving this way.

that is my bargain bin psychology

good luck. It sounds like a nihtmare

bigpumpkin thank you. I am feeling a bit better - having counselling and on anti Ds but no she has shown no concern for me at all.

Oh Fairy I'm sorry you're still having to cope with this shit. You've got enough going on without having to manage your MIL.

I hope you manage to disengage for good. She really isn't your responsibility.

You really, really need to disengage from her Fairy, it isn't your job to try to fix her. Let your DH deal with his family, take a step back and concentrate on your DC

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. This situation sounds like a nightmare at the best of times but dealing with it when you've got PND must be awful. I can't believe how selfish your MIL is being.

Fairy - you are trying to be kind and helpful and it is getting thrown back in your face and is a focus for her bad behaviour. She does not deserve your help and only wants it to get back at you.

Stand back, no contact, no SW with her or swimming lessons (cancel, try somewhere else). Leave her to DH, only when he is there, not contact with her without DH for you or DSD.

She is never going to be a friend. Keep it formal.

Hope you go out for a nice treat with DSD (cinema good - no talking -gives you something else to talk about). Just tell her that sometimes adults can't agree (as described earlier), and it is better to do something else this time.

oh my....YADDDDDNBU!

Get her committed :)

on a serious note...well done for standing your ground!! hope DH is supportive!:)

How did the swimming go? Did she show up?

How did swimming go?

Betty makes some good points. I do t think that cutting contact and placing mil firmly in the grandparent box would be a bad thing for dsd at all.

How did it go last night fairy?

I'm hoping to hear that DH stepped up and put his mother in her place.

To be brutally honest she has the hide of a rhino or MH issues or is a narc, and i sense that you are never going to get the upper hand with her without the aid of your DH.

She is never going to see reason (or admit she's in the wrong) so plans need to be in place for going forward.

Let your DH take the lead now so that she hasn't got the ''fairy is doing all this'' line to take. I cant see her bleating to her friends that her SON is cutting her out ... it would go against the 'perfect mother figure' grain.

(at least her behaviour is now way past 'borderline odd, is it her or me?' - and well into 'she def. unhinged!'. You no longer have to prove a point)

Just another voice to say this has nothing to do with diabetes or mental health (I am a doctor) and everything to do with her being a raging narcissist.

All she has medically is that she has been told she is at risk of diabetes and should lose weight. This is not the most complicated diet in the world and does not need a diabetes specialist, she is making it into far more than it is because it suits her to do so. Slimming World would have been perfectly OK because she does NOT HAVE diabetes, she just needs a healthy diet. But it suits her to have the drama.

Even if she does have diabetes (which she doesn't) one of the symptoms is not behaving like a complete bitch. Wouldn't it be strange that her blood sugar levels were always off when she doesn't get her own way and fine when she did?

Neither does she have depression or a mental health problem. The clues about her self obsession and narcissism have always been there - what normal GM goes to watch every swimming lesson, to the extent of rearranging her holidays? She has had a fantasy running in her head for years and up til now it just looked like she was caring, a bit over the top but OK really. Unfortunately this wasn't the case, she just wasn't being challenged. She was always a narcissist.

The best explanation of this I have seen is that she is the lead character in her own movie. Everyone else just exists as walk-on parts to help her movie. I think your MIL's movie has her as rescuing DSD and becoming her new mother. This worked for a bit until your DH married you and you had more children and DSD got older. Now you all have your own opinions and none of them were in her script! She is raging as she cannot believe what has happened and you are the major cause of this (can't be DH or DSD or her as that isn't in her script - so it must all be your fault!)

I'd suggest you do some reading about narcissists to help you take this forward. Some of your reactions to her eg not wanting DH to phone her because it would make things worse, hoping she won't badmouth you to friends, are lovely and would be appropriate for normal people but are entirely wrong for a narc. You sound lovely for wanting to help her but she really is not your problem and you of course are the last person she would accept any help from (unless it just met her own ends ie got her more access to DSD). Bettybotter's advice about making sure DSD has her primary attachment to you and eases back into a normal attachment to her grandmother is brilliant too - you are aren't hurting DSD by making sure she is safe and secure and clear about what roles the adults in her life have.

Hi all, thanks for some great advice (again!)

MIL did go last night.
She told DH she didn't have to come to me to ask for stuff about DSD, she would just liaise with him from now on. She said again that I must never expect her to look after DS, but she will make sure through DH that she can continue to see DSD (I am just so hurt by this, once again making it clear that DSD is the only one who is important to her). DH has said that they come as a package and are both her grandchildren and that she is not DSDs guardian or carer but GRANDMOtHeR and that I am her parent whether she likes it or not and she needs to respect that.

MIL then claimed complete innocence and asked DH why he would block access to the children? She always knew fairy would poison him and DSD against her, it has been fairys agenda since day 1 and it is very sad that Fairy has obviously made the decision that she can no longer see DS.

The woman is a loon.

On the bright side you have a very sensible DH who seems well aware of his mothers games.

If she chooses to see the DGC less well that's less drama for all of you. What she says to anyone else about you really doesn't matter.

Oh Jesus, she is crackers! What has DH said? Is she just not going to see either of them now then? Hope you're ok fairy, just to say I think you're doing so well, I'd have cracked and run her over by now!

Also echo what Loa said.

Fairy, yes. She is a loon. But the good news is that your DH realises this and has stuck up for you.

In reality I'd be considering cutting all contact but that's for your DH to decide - bear in mind though the poisonous effect she could have on your DSD (and warn your DH too)

Also, expect another major health trauma very soon. Probably something indefinable to do with her heart (that seems favourite with these types.)

I don't know what DHs response was, to be honest.

He has said to me that this is pretty much was his entire childhood was like.

He says she is a master at saying something offensive and hurtful and then flipping it back to make out that you are the bad guy.

He does however way that 'deep down she hates falling out and just lashes out but then feels really upset after, she's not well fairy and she does say things that are completely out of order I agree, but if you just were the bigger person and approached her I'm sure this whole thing would be forgotten'

I'm afraid I told him to fuck off

fairy, I find it amusing that she says that she doesn't want to look after DS and then later says you are keeping him away from her!

She is, indeed, a loon.