I don't f***ing believe it

[Neeliethere]

OH has met someone else. I get that. It hurts. He's taking her away for the week next week. I am at the marital home with my daughter. The marital home has a large drive. She lives 50 miles east of here and they are travelling a long way west.

They are going on holiday to an apartment we have rented as a family for the last six years that I found through a friend of mine and I have personally booked every year since then. Normally me and my daughter and her friend go but a few times with him as well. I am now feeling that I can never go there again because I will be thinking about how they were there having a lovely romantic time. I feel sick just writing this. Tell me I'm not mad.

As if that isn't bad enough he informs me that she is planning to drive to our house and leave her car on our drive while they are away. Am I going mad again? Is that just beyond the pale. The other woman's car on my drive whilst he takes her to our special holiday place shagging her senseless.

God the pain of it. How on earth do people manage to conduct themselves in such a heartless way????

Bil took his new woman to all the special places he and my sister had been to in order to "exorcise" the memory of my sister

So often in these sorts of threads we really need the other party to turn up and give their side of things. In this case there would seem to be some interesting pieces of the jigsaw to fill in.

"Bil took his new woman to all the special places he and my sister had been to in order to "exorcise" the memory of my sister." wow. Bet the nw was comfortable with that arrangement - not. although if it was a particularly unhappy relationship I can see how in a warped way that might seem cathartic for the party doing the "exorcising" if not for the participant.

I do think different people attribute different values and meanings to things though. e.g.me an my xh split up in July last year, and I have been seeing someone else since April. I have all my jewellery from my marriage but I won't wear any of it, however at the weekend we (including ds) went out for dinner and ds asked if I was going to wear any jewellery and pointed out a ring in my jewellery box which in fact was a ring bought for me on honeymoon. I really, really didn't want to wear it, partly because of the significance of it and partly because I felt it would be grossly insensitive to bf. However he was the one who was reassuring and said that actually jewellery is indicative of stuff in the past and that it's in the past - you can't just pretend it didn't happen, but at the end of the day it's just a ring and now not the same as the time it was bought, and also it had been ds who had pointed it out so no need to feel bad. I wore it out but took it off again as soon as we got home.

Am confused. Your STBXH age has increased by 2 years since the start of the thread.

I agree it is because I am hurting like hell. I moved out to give us space. I was clear that I would either want the house sold as I knew I only had enough money for six months of the rental. He gave me the impression that he still wanted me there but his actions said otherwise. He begged me to stay and said that I was just moving as a reaction to my dad's death a couple of months before.

But as soon as I was gone he was out dating and telling me that I was not to go the house without asking his permission first. I do now know he had been on dating web site before I moved out. I felt duped and stupid. I felt I had been out maneouvred very cleverly. I feel that he has taken advantage of my emotional state in a very cynical way.

I also know for certain he is deliberately provoking me in certain ways to ensure that he can claim me to be unreasonable and emotionally unstable at the same time being incredibly rude and spiteful to my face. His ultimate wish is to get my daughter to go and live with him thus avoid paying any maintenance and hurting me yet more. This is his whole reason for everything as far as I am concerned. I know this to be true. I've listened to enough from the various people that are helping me now.

However, I am in a raw state and I have reacted to this holiday thing very badly. I will admit it. But to leave her car there for a week whilst we come and go about our daily business having to shuffle my car around hers to get in and out is just an inflammatory act as far as I can see it. There is no need for it to be there. She has a house of her own. She has a place to keep her belongings. They do not need to be dumped on my drive. That is how I feel and I don't think I'm being unreasonable. Also our drive is used by the clients of my business and this extra car will cause problems for parking. I am just livid that he doing nothing to avoid unnecessary bad feeling. In fact provoking it as far as I can see.

There are always two sides to every story. On MN we rarely get to hear more the one. Sometimes details don't add up, but given that probably 75% minimum of content on the internet isn't real, that's a risk you take. Many of us will have posted on threads/situations that weren't real without any idea that it was all made up. I take the view that it doesn't matter. What makes MN special is the fact that some reading the thread will find themselves in similar situations and can take strength and knowledge from the responses posted.

OP I think you need to focus.

Your marriage is over. Forget about the NW - she had nothing to do with it.

You haven't mentioned legal advice, but that should be your first priority. While your STBXH is away forget about the car outside your house and concentrate on what's inside. Get the clearest possible picture of your respective financial positions. Make an appointment with the best family lawyer you can find (look at the Resolution website). Go to the appointment armed with as much information and documentation as you can gather about your joint finances.

Yes his behaviour is brutally insensitive but frankly that's not as important to you as achieving a decent financial settlement.

And FFS keep your dignoty. Don't do anything stupid like trashing the car or you'll be done for criminal damage.

If on his return he starts arguments don't retaliate with shouting and ranting. Be the better person for your DDs sake. If he starts pushng you around that is physical assault and you should call the police or at the very least speak to NCDV.

You need to be the better person here. Calm, resolute and cleverer than him.

Under NO circumstances ought this woman to be parking her car on your drive whilst she's holidaying with your husband. I'm not sure what you can do about it but FFS! Have they no scruples/morals/simple respect? Actually, don't answer that

Despicable behaviour from both of them.

I think moving back in was an astute move for Neelie to protect her financial involvement in the house. In terms of protecting her emotional well-being it was probably disastrous though. I think all-too-often when relationships break down you are faced with a stark choice of mental well-being v retaining financial assets. The very act of fighting to gets what's fair comes at a huge emotional cost. Sometimes it's worth doing if there is a great deal at stake, but in most cases it probably isn't. Unlike houses, you can't put a price on happiness and peace.

you need to start living your life not just responding to his.

As long as the two of you are living together whilst separated, this is going to continue to happen and your DD will be trapped in the midst of all this bad feeling. Put the house on the market or one of you buy the other out and file for divorce. Your marriage is over.

And please stop vilifying his new girlfriend. This situation is not her fault and she has done nothing wrong.

You are a 57 year old grown women. Please remember that. You sound like a teenager having a strop. Sorry but you do

The other women is not another OW but someone your ex partner has met after you spilt.

It doesn't sound like you liked him much anyway.

Your relationship has ended. He has met someone else.

Hold your head high and move on, dust yourself off and start building the life you want for yourself

Eliza, can you say why it is immoral for the new girlfriend to park her car on her boyfriend's drive?

Apologies for using boyfriend, can't think what else to call a new partner in his mid/ late forties.

Second Eliza. It is disrespectful to the wife and the teenage daughter. It is too soon before the OP and her OH have been able to resolve their issues and separate. And it is OP's marital home too.

She has two kids and she hasn't let him meet them yet

That sounds sensible though, if she hasn't known him long, why would she introduce him to her children?

This woman hasn't done anything wrong, your husband was single [albeit very recently] when they met.

It could be disrespectful, Halfling but for it to be disrespectful, the new girlfriend would have to see it as "parking my car on my new bloke's ex-wife's drive, just to rub it in".

Let's be cynical MNers here. Do we really believe that the new girlfriend has been told the OP's side of the marriage breakdown by her new boyfriend? Yeah right!

As far as she's concerned, she's probably thinks she's only parking her car on her boyfriend's drive! I also think he suggested it to her, and told her it was all absolutely fine.

Agree completely with brigantia!
This is ridiculous..... You left, he moved on, you have the arse.
The new girlfriends situation is academic. You sound unpleasant by your description of her.
Grow up..... He is at the most insensitive.

I'm not sure the OPs side is any different to what the XH will be telling his new partner. Ie they had a bad marriage and were on/off for years.

They both agree that's the case. The wife moved out. I can't see any reason why the NW should worry about where she parks her car.

Perhaps "OP's side" was a bad choice. What about "OP's emotional reaction" or something?

Although I disagree that the new girlfriend shouldn't worry about the car parking- I think it's quite possible the OP will smash the car or get it towed. If the new girlfriend believed that the OP was going to be insulted by the car, she would not be leaving it there, I'm sure of it.

gosh, tht all reads like a badly put together novel!

Get. Legal. Advice. Quick.

Me again. I am not blaming her. I just think if she knows the full situation but continues to sneak in and out of the house I question her moral standards and behaviour towards a fellow human being much less a fellow woman. I am led to believe that her previous partner met someone else and that has upset her greatly.

But I am blaming him. He is either being incredibly obtuse and insensitive or deliberately provocative and going in past behaviour and what i have been learning with CBT and my time with the Freedom Programme I am inclined to think it is the latter.

I am ranting I know. I am emotional I know. But I'm doing it here and not in to my OH and his woman. I wouldn't dream of doing anything to her property or car or even speaking to her if she should present herself here. However, if she does come here I would politely and calmly ask her to leave. If she refused I would view her as bad as him. I don't think that is unreasonable. I do know i was deliberately forced out of my home by abuse. I know that now without a shadow of a doubt. I also know that my daughter is being subjected to similar manipulative behaviour by him and I need to be there and stop it. Simple as that. I don't want her to face moving in the middle of her exam years. The house is yards from her school and her closest friends . I want to try and maintain some kind of stability for her and I personally don't think him bringing new girlfriends into the home with her young children is what she needs right now. Her tension is palpable because he is constantly talking to her about the new woman and how lovely she is and how much he is looking forward to them being a new family together. Can you imagine how she is feeling? It is wrong and it is not just about my jealousy. It is about our daughters sensitivity too.

If this is true (( and it may well be, I know I often divvy about with ages etc so I don't out myself )) then you sound like an utter, pain in the arse.

Ranting and having temper tantrums because he had the audacity to meet someone after you split is frankly ridiculous.

You need to step back, get all of the legal stuff in place and stop playing tit for tat if you care about your daughter so much

He may have left her and met this woman but they still both own the house and 4 months isn't long enough to heal big hurts. It is incredibly heartless/cruel of him in my opinion and I can see why the op is upset.

It may look a but OTT on paper but imagine it was you in this situation? She's only human and this is still very fresh, or so it sounds.

Get some legal advice.

OP could you get a bollard installed? I noticed my.nieghbours had one the day. Totally legal and effective. Your ex is being a dick.

You left him. Erm, there's not a lot more to say.