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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking asking for money instead of a present is rude?

191 replies

matrix11 · 01/10/2013 21:15

That is it really, DS has come out of school today, with a party invite, to a party, in a few weeks and on the back the parent has wrote a blooming poem, saying how they want to choose their own gifts, so can we please give money, between £5 and £10 please, children from both classes have been invited, apparently not all, but about 40!
What is the matter with people[shocked] or am I out of touch these days...please let me knowSmile

OP posts:
Iaintdunnuffink · 01/10/2013 23:03

Asking for £10 for a year 6 leaving party ... Please tell me it wasn't the end of summer term when they all left.

BillyBanter · 01/10/2013 23:19

If someone asked that anyone who was thinking about getting a present to give cash then I would consider the many reasons they might have done this and just comply. It's fine by me not to bother my arse to rummage round the shops in the hope of finding an £8 gift on sale for £3.

But specifying £5-£10 is a bloody cheek. Maybe they've got an unexpected parking fine and have worked out the maths.

freddiefrog · 01/10/2013 23:28

That's really rude!

As they've got older, I usually bung a fiver in a card and be done with it

I used to have a present box which I kept stocked with 3 for 2/bogof/sale bargain presents as I could get more for my money and didn't have a last minute gift buying panic. They'd have got a gift from the box just to be awkward

SugarHut · 01/10/2013 23:28

Good lord. I have never ever heard of this. I even think it's bad taste when couples ask for money/pay for our honeymoon when they get married (oh, but we already have everything, it's a wedding, you get nice presents, shut up) but for a child's birthday?????? And then to specify the acceptable amount??!!!!

I wouldn't go. One the one hand, I'd hate my DC to miss out, on the other, I would not want to attend and show I was condoning this as acceptable behaviour.

Also, call me cynical, what's to say the DC gets the cash? They might pass on £50 which seems like a fortune to a teeny person, and you've just contributed to the mother's shopping fund.

HaroldLloyd · 01/10/2013 23:35

Shocker! Shock

justmyview · 01/10/2013 23:38

Out of curiosity, how old are the birthday children?

There was a thread on here a while ago about a trend in Canada for all children to give about £1 so the child could choose their own present. Most people thought that was a good idea

I think it's the amount that makes this objectionable. If the parent had asked for £1 per child, we'd probably think that was OK. Child could choose one bigger present + no one has to go shopping = everyone's a winner

LeoTheLateBloomer · 02/10/2013 06:42

saulaboutme that's disgraceful! Glad you told her what you thought really want to know what she did that was far worse now

Johnny5needsinput · 02/10/2013 06:47

This thread has made me feel rather out of touch. The number of people,who seemed to say "yes it was rude but by god I don't want the plastic shite stick a few pounds in a card don't be giving it to me" has saddened me.

I will say it again. When I was a lone parent, on benefits, that plastic re gifted tat and a home made card was all I had. I gave it with the right thought. Dd would have gone through my present box and picked something she thought the child would have liked. Thought and care would have gone into it.

And I dislike money for weddings and wedding gift lists for the same reason.

Khaleese · 02/10/2013 06:50

We had one of these! So shocked I declined the party.

Norudeshitrequired · 02/10/2013 08:40

Johnny - I think the save as you. I am appalled that somebody would ask for money for a child's birthday party gift. I always think that only a token gift should be taken to a birthday party. I would never dream of asking for money for the simple reasons that a small gift is often much cheaper than £5 and children enjoy unwrapping gifts and seeing what their friends have got them.
I have hosted parties where some people have just brought a card along and that is absolutely fine. I would rather somebody brought a card (even homemade) than thought that they couldn't come at all because they didn't have a present to bring.
Parties are supposed to be about the children enjoying their birthday with their friends, not about amassing a huge pile of expensive presents / a big wad of cash.

If the birthday parents had specified that 'we don't want anybody to bring gifts (no mention of cash as a replacement) as DD has everything that she needs and we don't want people to spend money needlessly then it would seem more acceptable. Those that really don't want to come without a gift would probably stick a fiver in a card anyway. Win win.

expatinscotland · 02/10/2013 08:54

I would decline the invite. If ny child asked why, I'd tell them the truth.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 02/10/2013 09:11

Where we used to live one of the Mum's started Percy Pig.

A long story but the youngest of her 3 girls really, really didn't need any toys/things/clothes etc and the amount of parties & presents we were all dealing with was somewhat ridiculous. Basically all spending a fortune but essentially sending the same gifts.

I can't remember how she worded it (not with a bloody poem) but basically said, 'Please don't bring presents, just come and enjoy the party. However, if the children really wanted to 'bring something' and you don't want to argue about it, they could bring a coin for Percy Pig. The idea took off and Percy went from party to party :) The kids going to the parties, loved putting the coins into Percy and the Birthday Child enjoyed spending the money - which was around £20/£40. Perfect solution.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 02/10/2013 09:12

However, the demand request you got was plain rude!!

HorryIsUpduffed · 02/10/2013 09:30

£1 in a Percy Pig sounds like a brilliant solution.

There was a terribly sad but ultimately uplifting thread a while (year?) ago where someone was so totally skint she was considering not sending her daughter to a party. The only thing she could send with her daughter was a small box of Maltesers and a home-made card.

The overwhelming consensus on the thread was that most children would be completely delighted with a whole box of Maltesers for their very own, and that they'd far rather have their friend at the party than not for the sake of a pound.

But there were some people who sniffed and said you shouldn't turn up to parties empty handed. And they got called names.

YouHaveAGoodPoint · 02/10/2013 09:43

We once tried asking for no presents. It wasn't a huge party and I knew a lot of the parents and I felt comfortable saying that we didn't want more crap presents. (And yes my DC were totally on board). It ended up not working at all as some people still brought presents. This left those with presents feeling a bit Confused and those who didn't bring presents a bit Confused.

We didn't do it again. It wasn't my greatest plan Blush

MrsDavidBowie · 02/10/2013 09:47

Why the hell would you invite 40 children to a party???????

My dcs would have up to 6 friends, children whose parents we knew, who would always say "is there something specific little Master Bowie wants?"
So I could give ideas...sometimes the mums would club together to get a bigger item.

People must have houses full to the brim with crap by having big parties.

mistyshouse · 02/10/2013 09:54

no thats so rude Shock

and specifying the AMOUNTS ffs

flowery · 02/10/2013 09:55

It's very rude and I would make a point of giving a present rather than the cash.

cartoad · 02/10/2013 10:37

Or you could be really evil and send £5 - get it in 1p coins. Get a large sheet of card and superglue them on. Then let ds loose with a permanent marker or two and get him to draw a nice pretty pattern around them (maybe turn it into a money tree with the coins as leaves or a money pit or a money grab stall) ensuring the pen goes on plenty of the coins.

Then wrap it up.

Nice big present to hand over and a big task for them to actually get the coins off the card and make them usable... [evil laugh]

It's not like they specified it had to be a note!

And then tell some of the other mums you are friendly with to do the same and they'll end up with the money but a hell of a task to actually get the money.

If you're feeling particularly like making them learn a lesson creative, you could add some foreign coins to help make up part of the value. So the child will have some money to spend when he next goes on holiday...

Or go for a nice little picture of a five pound note ina frame to put on his wall. Or one of those packs of tissues printed like a £20 note. Or a big rubber in the shape of a £5. Or a cash book for him to keep track of all his money, who gave him what and what he spends it on. Or anything else money themed that can't be spent. If he ended up with a big pile of money things but lots of stress and not so much to put in his parents pocket the bank they might realise how grabby they sounded!

Catsize · 02/10/2013 13:39

Like it cartoad.

cartoad · 02/10/2013 19:37

Thank you catsize

When people do something like this that gets my goat, there is a particular pleasure to be had in doing what they say to the letter but subverting their intentions Grin

Threalamandaclarke · 02/10/2013 19:45

It is a bit rude.
But I would just give the money in a card and say no more about it.
I'd probably be grateful that I didn't have to choose a gift Blush but miffed I'd have to spend £10

Spottybra · 02/10/2013 19:51

First thought after seeing the title was no - my darling nephew is in yr11, works 2 part time jobs, predicted good grades, asking for money for Christmas and his birthday almost immediate after as he is saving for a new bike.

But after reading your post I think it's offensive. You can't specify a gift like that.

SauvignonBlanche · 02/10/2013 19:52

How grabby! Shock

LumpySpace · 02/10/2013 19:56

I once received an invitation for a christening that specified they only wanted money or disney DVDs as gifts (I hate disney Angry).

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