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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking asking for money instead of a present is rude?

191 replies

matrix11 · 01/10/2013 21:15

That is it really, DS has come out of school today, with a party invite, to a party, in a few weeks and on the back the parent has wrote a blooming poem, saying how they want to choose their own gifts, so can we please give money, between £5 and £10 please, children from both classes have been invited, apparently not all, but about 40!
What is the matter with people[shocked] or am I out of touch these days...please let me knowSmile

OP posts:
MrsTedMosby · 04/10/2013 22:13

It doesn't bother me. When DS got invited to a party and the mum asked for money I was pleased I didn't have to think about what to buy her child, and at least I knew that the child would get something they really really wanted rather than a load of cheap stuff they might not be into. (Unless the mum spent it on wine and takeaway after having a party for squillions of 5 year olds!)

Tavv · 04/10/2013 23:27

But if you buy a surprise present, who's saying it has to be plastic tat?

BeCool · 05/10/2013 00:05

As a developing minimalist presents really bother me - I just don't want them. I'd LOVE to be able to ask for cash obo DD. I'd love to be able to say no presents please too.

If i did either, I think we'd still end up with all the presents (and no doubt I'd be called rude/ungrateful etc). Clearly what the birthday person wants/needs etc is NOT as important as the feeling the giver of the gifts gets by giving something they want to give.

Which isn't what it's meant to be about is it?

And at least 60% of the gifts a child gets at a party is plastic tat.

foreverchanging · 05/10/2013 00:18

YANBU. Rude!

DD was invited to a party once and invite stated something about the birthday boy living in quite a small house so a gift of £2 would be appreciated, which I thought was fine.

Asking for £5-£10 though? Not cool.

If all parents coughed up, the party child would have £200-£400! Shock I only had £40 for the my jeffing 30th birthday!

RubyFlint · 05/10/2013 00:58

Seriously bad form IMO. Suspect same people don't send don't thank you cards either. Bloody cheek.

RubyFlint · 05/10/2013 01:01

Oops I meant 'who don't send thank you cards'.

It's v late..

MusicalEndorphins · 05/10/2013 01:35

I wouldn't notice the poem, and buy the boy a nice book. How old is the birthday boy?

MidniteScribbler · 05/10/2013 02:00

But there is no polite to say this without sounding unbearably materialistic.

"No gifts please" works perfectly well if you don't want "plastic tat".

Threalamandaclarke · 05/10/2013 09:22

The more i read on this, the more i think it's a non issue.
Yes, it's a bit up front for my english sensitivities, but I think if you go to a birthday party you should take a gift.
£5 or £10 sounds reasonable, depending on your budget and relationship with the child/parent.
If a guest can't afford that then the aforementioned "maltesers solution" sounds great.
Don't make a fuss and create awkwardness for the child. Just pop a fiver in the card. I think there's a lot of precious behaviour from givers of gifts sometimes.

SirChenjin · 05/10/2013 09:26

"No gifts please" still elicits judgey pants when it comes to children's birthday parties - "poor child, what a mean thing to do to him/her"

I'm with Threalamandaclarke (although in my case it's my Scottish/UK sensitivities), but asking for cash is perfectly acceptable and the norm in many other countries. Perhaps it's the problem of the gift giver rather than the receiver.

BeCool · 05/10/2013 10:00

Imagine how wonderfully easy birthday parties would be if we could just put a note in a card - BLISS!!!!!

And how fab for a child to have some cash to spend, some cash to save - wonderful.

YABU - whats not to love? May it spread like a new wonderful trend!!

SirChenjin · 05/10/2013 10:04

BeCool - I couldn't agree more!

Threalamandaclarke · 05/10/2013 10:07

In fact. I really think it's a great idea. It teaches them how to save up for things too.
Why would anyone prefer to trawl the shops and choose a gift (it's always going to cost at least a fiver, plus wrapping paper).
There's so much risk: duplicate gifts, unwanted item, cluttering up a fellow parent's home with toys, your own time used up.
And especially when there are so many guests. It will also take ages to unwrap everything. Especially if all the gift givers insist on a public unveiling of their offering.
Becool I agree. More of this please.

nkf · 05/10/2013 10:09

You have two choices. You can ask for money or you can have the same gift your child took to a friend's party. I like the second option better. Same with weddings. I'd rather have lots of butter dishes than ask for money. At least I could donate the butter dishes to charity.

Wasn't there a thread on here about being charged to attend a dinner party?

nkf · 05/10/2013 10:12

I think it also depends on the age of the child. I give my children the cash and they buy the present and the card and the wrapping paper. They wrap it up too. I'm rather impressed at how much my daughter manages to get for the money. That's a good skill to have - picking good presents. I haven't actually set foot in a toy shop for years. Of course I've done my time but it's pretty much over.

Johnny5needsinput · 05/10/2013 10:17

Be cool - what would you have suggested I do then? As a broke single parent, who simply didn't not have a note (or coins) to put in a card. Which would have been home made because I didn't have the money for that either ...

EverybodysStressyEyed · 05/10/2013 10:17

A gift is not to be expected. By asking for cash you are asking for a gift and specifying the form. I did that rude.

I still have about half of the presents ds received and will never use. I will probably give them to charity for Xmas presents. (I accept that I am fortunate enough to be able to afford to do this and not regift). This year I am tempted to ask for no presents but actually ds get a lot of pleasure from seeing what his friends have given him and he also enjoys giving them a gift.

Maybe it is an age thing though - ds is still quite small and has only been going to parties for a couple of years

Threalamandaclarke · 05/10/2013 10:20

If you can't afford a gift just don't give one.
It's fine. I personally wouldn't be in the slightest bit bothered.

Threalamandaclarke · 05/10/2013 10:22

I am surprised that it's so desirable to have or give a lot of shit that nobody wants.

HappyMummyOfOne · 05/10/2013 10:22

I wont do cash or gift vouchers now by choice after reading on MN that parents often spend the money or vouchers within the household budget or on other sibling. Certainly never did it when asked for as its rude and grasping.

alemci · 05/10/2013 10:24

yes to me asking for money is vulgar and somehow mercenary unless someone asks first what dc would like or suggests it. would ds like a voucher from boy x for his birthday.

DuchessFanny · 05/10/2013 10:24

At our school it is very common for the parents of the children invited to a party to ' club together ' for one larger gift instead of lots of little ones HOWEVER an amount is never specified and if the child invited wants to choose and buy their own gift for their own friend that's absolutely fine too. It's always worked well, but then we've never had a crap accompanying poem and a specified, expected amount ...

Johnny5needsinput · 05/10/2013 10:25

But Thereal. I give something my child has chosen. From my present box. So it might be a small toy. It might be colouring pencils, a book, but my child has picked it. There is thought and care and dare I say it, love in the gift from her.

How dare anyone diss that. How disrespectful. And nasty. And pure plain rude. Don't fucking bother with fuck all if you can't give money I'd rather just have a card seems to be a common attitude and it frankly disgusts me. An saddens me. And makes me realise the life I lived a lot of you on here will never comprehend.

hermioneweasley · 05/10/2013 10:37

That is awful.

Though when asked what DS woukd like I often say "he'd be thrilled with a pound in a card". Is that grabby too?

BeCool · 05/10/2013 10:38

Johnny5needsinput I'd suggest you do exactly the same as you would do now.

If it was acceptable to give a note in a card that wouldn't mean it was compulsory. Not everyone would. Just as when people ask for no gifts people still give them.

So you would still do whatever you do now. Maybe no gift (I'm totally cool with that -the obsession with presents is ridiculous IMO and even worse that it makes people on low budgets feel bad), maybe regift something, make something - just do what you do and please please please don't ever feel bad about not giving the "norm" of some plastic tat.

Home made cards are by far the best BTW, if you have the time to sort it out. I try to do them but don't always succeed. I encourage my DC to make cards too, and I keep a stash of cheap cards from Tiger at home for when we can't (.50p each and they are really lovely).

Paying £3 a card each time is utter nonsense. And some people like to spend loads on wrapping paper/bags etc - I recycle what we get in, and use old artwork of the DC as wrapping paper if I can. I have a birthday of someone close/important nearly every day of the first 2 months of October. Even as a FT working single parent I couldn't afford to cover the cards if I was to buy one for each person. Thank goodness for home-made cards, Tiger cheapies, and FB posts for those living abroad.

The worst that can happen is a parent wouldn't send their child to a party because they don't have card/present - and I've read about both sides of the story here on MN. Let's never lose site of the fact that children's parties are for children to celebrate with their friends, and feel special. Presents/cards should be an afterthought - the icing on the cake so to speak, not the focus of the day.

Just to add I'm a SP too - the difference is I work FT. We aren't poor, we have enough but we are far from rich. My main stress point is time - I don't have time to shop for kids birthday gifts (in fact I rarely spend time at any shops at all), and if I did have more time I would spend it with my DC, not on shopping for presents for DC's classmates. So a note in a card is my idea of a fantastic solution.