To be hovering somewhere between livid & terrified (DH gone AWOL!)

[BleedinEck]

I called DH this afternoon to remind him I'm out on a course tonight & ask him to put DC's dinner in the oven as he was due home first. Mid conversation his phone cuts out but as I'd said everything I needed to I just assumed he was with a customer & didn't call back. I arrived home at 7pm with starving & tired DC to find the house in darkness & raw chicken sat in the fridge

He's still not answering his phone or replying to texts, my course started an hour ago & kids had to have beans on toast.

DH does have form for disappearing (50% of the time to the pub the other 50% work related) so my initial reaction is to be fucking furious but as time goes on I'm starting to get worried that something awful has happened. Should I start ringing his mates/work colleagues or sit it out a bit longer!?

What we read on an op is just a snipit of what the real situation is.

People shouting OW is out of order, how could they possibly now that?

It's clear that there are some issues here but to systematically try to grind the fact that op husband and father is a useless alcoholic that's close to 'the edge' and probably has an other woman is ridiculous.

The worst thing is it's the same posters whispering their in depth knowledge trying to liberate this women from their god awful life's

If every one listened to advice given here Mn would be littered with broken families while the posters walk away from the keyboard to make them selfs a nice cup of tea, proud of the fact the have saved a fellow woman from an abuser.

Posts like " but your gonna let him walk all over you again arnt you ? Hey? Serves NO purpose what so ever apart from making OP feel even more like shit and the poster sanctimonious.

And if it's a version of 'tough' love anybody that has truley been abused will know that rarely works.

I really don't know why if people genuinely haven't got anything supportive or practical to say then don't say anything at all.

Because Humphryscorner maybe just maybe people think someone deserves better than a relationship where they end up a doormat, hurt or basically treated like a second class citizen. Do you think people should say aww never mind OP, give him a few more chances to make you upset, worried and unable to do anything for yourself?

No I don't fut but reading half the comments on here serve no purpose.

Yes op husband did massively fuck up, there clearly are issues that need to be dealt with immediately.

This is not empowering a woman this is just making some one feel like shit.

If someone tried giving me ^tough love' when I was in a hideously violent relationship , I would have just told them to fuck off - and I did.

It's negative reinforcement and it dosnt help.

I agree with humphry that people should use more judgement before saying LTB or close to it ....

Maybe if the DH here sorted out his stress at work such as taking up the helpful suggestion to get an accountant, and the OP makes it clear that she is upset and disappointed with his behaviour and that he needs to

1)support her
and
2)to communicate
perhaps they could move forward from this experience.

Splitting up is not an easy option, though obviously the best course of action in some relationships.

I think in this case (as in most ?) the OP is best placed to evaluate her own relationship and where she wants to go from here.

LTB has it's place on some threads, but not that helpful here I feel.

So did he drive home from the pub then?

He needs to work out his priorities and get an accountant to sort out his paperwork.

My exh had his own business (luckily not in my name at all) but he never bothered with paperwork and then it all went tits up and he went bankrupt. Pretty much all because he couldn't be bothered to sort out all the tax and vat. He also used to use the worry about it as an excuse to ignore his family and spend non-existent money in the pub.

He knows what he needs to do and he needs to man up and get on with it.

I'm normally the first to shout LTB on a thread where a man is behaving really badly.

This strikes me as different.

I might be right, I might be wrong but from what the OP is saying there is more to it and the last thing we want is some bloke who is frankly a suicide risk being ignored because loads of MNers have said 'he is out of order' and ignored the fact he has stated he is unable to cope.

I am sure the OP will make that judgment for herself because we all could be way off, but anyway, I thought it was worth saying that that was my take on this particular situation.

I agree that talking about another woman or being an alcoholic is uncalled for as there is nothing to suggest either of those things.

I disagree with some of the comments though humprey, I don't believe the OP should be walked over again as she deserves better than that, at the end of the day she has asked for advice and people have given their opinions, which is kind of the point. Whether you or I agree with other posters is neither here nor there.

Clover I don't want the op to get walked over, far from it. I would have been spitting mad too. Her having to cancel her course was bad news.

The op asked for advice on contact / ringing round and the advice support she got was fab. When it transpired that he was just taking the piss in the pub the tides turned and rightly so but some of the comments were beyond helpful or supportive.
Arseholey comments trying to combat arseholey behaviour it doesn't work.

I agree, there was no need but I was concerned as I did not want to come across like that IYSWIM

Yes . Sod it I'm of for a brew !

Different posters see and think different things.... So what if it's different to your own thoughts humphrey. You can't police threads saying what is and isn't allowed to be said

Leaving aside the bad behaviour itself for a minute, your husband has his head well and truly in the sand, and needs to get hold of a cheap and reliable, local, self employed bookeeper. Someone that can keep a running eye on his admin, nudge him for his paperwork on a monthly or fortnightly basisand make sure he is heading in the right direction. A couple of hours a week will cost little, but the peace of mind is worth every penny.

Alternatively, an accountant as others have suggested - a few hundred quid once a year is a very small price for keeping the financial show on the road! His behaviour may well improve when his paperwork worries and fears are sorted. He's dealing with everything completely the wrong way currently, but it isn't a dificult problem to solve (workwise).