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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be hovering somewhere between livid & terrified (DH gone AWOL!)

163 replies

BleedinEck · 30/09/2013 20:26

I called DH this afternoon to remind him I'm out on a course tonight & ask him to put DC's dinner in the oven as he was due home first. Mid conversation his phone cuts out but as I'd said everything I needed to I just assumed he was with a customer & didn't call back. I arrived home at 7pm with starving & tired DC to find the house in darkness & raw chicken sat in the fridge Confused

He's still not answering his phone or replying to texts, my course started an hour ago & kids had to have beans on toast.

DH does have form for disappearing (50% of the time to the pub the other 50% work related) so my initial reaction is to be fucking furious but as time goes on I'm starting to get worried that something awful has happened. Should I start ringing his mates/work colleagues or sit it out a bit longer!?

OP posts:
manticlimactic · 30/09/2013 23:10

X posts. Well in my defence mine doesn't Grin

Ezio · 30/09/2013 23:10

Bollocks. The phone will not charge unless he left the engine running

Bingo Mantic.

Ezio · 30/09/2013 23:12

X post, Although, still sounds like a load of donkey shit.

ballstoit · 30/09/2013 23:46

He goes to the pub 2-3 nights a week, but can't feed and care for his own children so you can do a course? And the benefit of remaining married to this man is??

GangstersLoveToDance · 30/09/2013 23:48

Bollocks. The phone will not charge unless he left the engine running

Er...not bollocks. I've left my iPhone on charge in the car a few times when I've arrived to work and realised I haven't got enough battery for the day Hmm . It works just fine.

Faux · 01/10/2013 01:10

What a selfish thoughtless git.

Bombjack · 01/10/2013 01:13

My first thought was OW to be honest. I would do some serious snooping, OP.

Second was that it reminds me very much of my Dad (alcoholic). I remember he had forgotten to get me a birthday card once, and said he was going to the corner shop to get me one. Said he'd be back in 10 mins. I found him in the local boozer 4 hours later. Nice birthday, that one...

Regarding the phone charging, it all depends on the model of car. My car has to have the keys turned in the ignition for the socket to be live. My wife's doesn't.

Either way - the behaviour is a huge red flag. I might make a mistake, and forget to put the DC's dinner on, but I would NEVER make the conscious decision to forget the kids, and head off down the pub!

PicardyThird · 01/10/2013 07:58

This is beyond bad, OP. It really is.

Dh and I lead busy lives and depend on each other to be absolutely reliable and keep to arrangements. I can't imagine either of us ever getting it into our heads that it was acceptable to mess up the other's plans like that and not do our agreed bit in looking after our children. The niceties of where the phone was etc. serve to distract from that essential point, really.

My dh can be forgetful, but he would never, ever forget something like this. I'm not qualified to comment on the alcoholism issue etc. but if this had happened to me, esp with previous form, I think I would be extremely close to throwing him out.

whois · 01/10/2013 08:20

Sorry OP, that's really shit. So unbelievably selfish not to let you know where he was. Far worse than the act of going off itself.

Llareggub · 01/10/2013 08:29

Just a note about alcoholism. It isn't necessarily about how much a person drinks, or how often. A huge flag here is that his drinking is causing problems with his relationships. He has put alcohol before his children. I'm not saying he is an alcoholic, but he is putting before his relationship with you and this suggests a problem drinker.

He does sound like he is a man on the edge. Being self-employed can be hugely stressful around VAT time. Can you encourage him to get some help?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 01/10/2013 08:45

Yes, maybe something positive to take from this is if your DH could get some support for the admin side of his business or put some better systems in place for dealing with the paperwork ?

But enough about him! I'm so sorry he left you worried with hungry DC and you had to miss your course - I dropped out of a course once because not enough support from DH (though mainly that was because he unfortunately had to be away with work at short notice when course just beginning) but I can understand/imagine the frustration and upset caused. Also my DH doesn't always behave well - evaluating the whole relationship, particularly when you have DC is a hard thing to do. I hope you can find the best way forward for you all, including for yourself x

fluffyraggies · 01/10/2013 09:05

One piece of advice: Get him to get an accountant OP.

He should be able to get a good one recommended for his particular business, especially if he has pub cronies. Some accountants specialise in certain business types and know the ins and outs. Someone always knows someone.

Ours charges us apx £300. Once a year obviously. We send him a massive wedge of papers in March and he sorts it out, sends the necessaries to the tax office, our tax rebate gets sent to him, he takes his fee out of that and sends us the rest by cheque. All above board and WELL worth it.

so.much.easier.than.trying.to.do.it.yourself

... and you don't have to pay upfront.

Good luck OP.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 01/10/2013 09:11

Alcoholics don't have to be drinking whiskey every morning. If his drinking causes problems in his life and the life of his family, and he prioritises it over his responsibilities, then he has a problem. You don't have to call it alcoholism but it's not normal.

melika · 01/10/2013 09:16

My car charges my phone while the engine is off. (Kuga n Blackberry)

I don't think he has a drink problem. He is probably a little down about work and thought 'Fuck it'! That don't make him a bad bloke. Sounds like just a blip.

Talk it through and it will be ok.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 01/10/2013 09:22

I can't believe people live like this. I honestly can't.

It doesn't have to be like this, OP. There are men out there - lots of men, truth be told - who aren't knuckle-dragging halfwits.

Find yourself one. I highly recommend it.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 01/10/2013 09:23

It's not a blip. He has form.

He was asked to do something for his own DC; he didn't do it and he went AWOL. He's a halfwit.

Boosterseat · 01/10/2013 09:28

Im not usually one for tit for tat but if this was me, i would be "popping to see a friend for half an hour" then proceeding to roll in shit faced at 1am.

Whats good for goose they say......

Disrespectful twat.

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 01/10/2013 09:31

Second thread in as many days about the same thing. I am Shock that anyone is 'allowed' to get away with this. He has no respect for you or your DCs. Sorry you have gone through this but unfortunately you will go through it again and again!

Rooners · 01/10/2013 09:43

I am a bit concerned from your post describing the argument, that he may genuinely be struggling massively.

It is the sort of thing people say when they are close to breaking down.

Are you sure he isn't telling the truth as actually I would expect a selfish prick to say it was his right to go down the pub, and tell you to shut up, rather than start crying and admit he is not coping with work.

I am rather uncomfortable that he is perhaps being totally honest with you there and being punished for it.?

Rooners · 01/10/2013 09:44

Especially if this behaviour is, as you say, out of character.

Has he got anyone he can talk to about this stuff apart from you? Don't cut off his only support if not. When someone especially a bloke admits he can't cope that is something to listen to ime and imo.

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 01/10/2013 09:53

He does have form though.

Rooners is right though, the fact he has told you what's wrong may be a step to sorting the issues out but he needs to know it is NEVER ok to just disappear. The fact that he has done it before means that he thinks its acceptable to do it but it really isn't!

HopeClearwater · 01/10/2013 10:00

You said he has a pint, or a half sometimes? He certainly made that pint last, didn't he?

FutTheShuckUp · 01/10/2013 10:00

Yet again I'm astonished to read someone excusing and enabling their husband to be a complete and utter useless shit without consequence.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 01/10/2013 10:37

Chess clubs are very social. Maybe he could change his social club as it is not about the drinking, just about the preventing his wife having a life.

OP, I do hope you can re-arrange your course.

melika · 01/10/2013 11:02

We can't all be perfect all of the time!