WIBU to move out and take everything

[FarOverTheRainbow]

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

Has he ever had your smartphone in his possession?

Really, don't worry about his sister's job and his Dad's money. They cannot change the facts, which were that he walked out on his family, and that he has been threatening you and neglecting his child. Call Women's Aid and the local centre, and the police, whenever you need to. The very best he can hope for from a court case with a child as young as this, is the kind of visitation he has been having anyway, but he will not be able to mess you around.

They twist everything it's untrue. The stuff they come out with i don't get where it comes from.

Yeh he's been left on his own with my phone many of times.

It's going to a long horrible week. So glad ice been with my friend today. Do I wait until I get a letter from his solicitor then go and see my own or do I go before I get anything?

It's time to be pro-active and not reactive.
Get a diary. Write out every single text (from and to) with the time under the appropriate day.
Write all the other incidents in another colour and exactly what you remember/feelings, together with a note of any witness.
Then record conversations with the HV, WA and the police etc. in separate colours. Use MN as an aide memoire.

Then you'll have spelt out in all the colours of the rainbow that this man is an utterly abusive fuckwit.
With this under your belt you instruct a solicitor:

No access or independently supervised access at your discretion
No further contact from Fuckwit or any other members of the Fuckwit family except via the solicitor
Maintenance NOW and backdated etc etc.

You need to start kicking Fuckwit's arse; he's kicked yours for long enough.

Do you think he actually believes the things he says to me or is just purposely playing these games?

I would go and get a free half hour from a family lawyer - I think Women's Aid may be able to advise you which ones in your area. Just get some general advice about what's going on, so give them a general outline of events - abuse, harrassment from whole family, house owned by ILs, what the Council have told you about rehousing you, contact problems and threats.

Oh yes. He believes them. He's a narcasist (sp) and nothing is ever his fault.
By the way; I'm just down the by pass. I get paid to kick arse and I'm really good at it; but I don't have any legal experience.

Op change your iTunes password that will stop him tracking you by 'find my phone' if that's what he's doing

Also, it's time you got a new sim. Use the new one for everyday stuff, normal stuff; do not tell him or give him the new number. Keep the old sim and put it in the phone the day before contact just to check he's not texted you to cancel. Use the old sim for him and his family only, and only look at it when you have to, when contact is due. Then, he won't be able to track you, if he's doing that and, more importantly, won't be able to harrass you and nor will his family.

If you turn GPS off on your phone then if he is using it for tracking that will prevent it. It should be somewhere under network and wireless settings.

I should think it's a twisted combination of half believing it, half playing games, men like this tend to have a totally twisted idea of how the world works and see everything as a battle, so yes he will be playing tactically, the rest is what he's convinced himself.

I've changed my iTunes password and just found in my settings somewhere something called "find my iphone" which was turned on? I don't even know what that is! Going to change my email accounts and stuff now too, bpnever thought to do it before

Tell the police you suspect he's tracking you, can they check your phone?

Get your own solicitor ASAP - better to be prepared rather thn on the back foot. Also, I think that if you have a free half hour with a solicitor, he can't use them. May want to check that out of course - I'm sure I've read it on here. If true, well, you might need to try a few to find the right one, surely?

My contract is almost up so I do need a new number. The one I have everyone has is number I.e bills, insurance, council, police, health visitor. It will be hell to change it but does need to be done

All I ever wanted was a quite life for the 3 of us. I'm not into arguments I Judy wanted to be a family and not have any grief and now look where I am. I must have done something bad in a past life

Look how much progress you're making, though. You might not have wanted this but you've surely got to be feeling really proud of yourself for making all these appointments and plans! He probably wouldn't recognise you now, either.

Erm I don't know if I'm proud of myself. I doubt everything and constantly second guess myself it's so hard making a life altering decision when I'm rubbish at making decisions IYSWIM? On the other hand when I do I stick to things because I'm stubborn so i waiting for that part of me to kick in.

Ok if he's been tracking you via 'find my phone' he may be getting your emails copied to his email too

You need to go into your account setting to find it, chNging your password won't stop that

You could get a payg for now though. Are the numbers stored on your current sim or on the phone? If they're in the phone then you don't have to do much, except move ex's contact details to the sim and then put the payg in.

If you've spent even one night in a refuge, you're entitled to legal aid on grounds of domestic abuse. You may also want to talk to your (new, I hope?) solicitor about whether a non-molestation order is appropriate - this will also trigger legal aid for DA reasons, so you don't have to worry about the costs of keeping yourself and DD safe from this family.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, and so glad you're getting such great support from MN.

It sounds to me that his family are geeing him up. So they're all getting into a frenzy and he's got caught up in it. You know what his family are like

Hold on Far. That kick-ass will kick in soon enough. You're probably still in shock that he went so suddenly and your entire life has tipped on its head. I'm so sorry, it's tough to face. You will get through this, you really will. It's intense now but it will calm down soon.

Can you go into a phone shop to get the tracking thing turned off? Also something to stop him getting your emails. I don't know if Womens Aid have a service where they can advise you about what he's put on your phone? I'm sure they will have some advice about where to go to get it sorted out.

I really would advice you to let all authorities know what is happening every step of the way. You need all this recorded with every possible authority - so you can stitch him right up. He's playing a nasty game but he's on a totally losing wicket. Try to bear in mind that everyone you have spoken to, every authority - HV, Womens Aid, police (and us!) - are backing you up. That's no small thing. The thing about this is that it's clear-cut, there are no shady corners to it, he and his family are abusing, intimidating and stalking you. And you have copious evidence of that!

I think the numbers on on both my sim and phone. Ill try and get to a phone shop today and ill
Mention it to the police.

I need to try and round up some help to help move the bigger things from te house.

I'm just so worried about the chance he will win and make me look like the bad crazy one

There is no chance of that! Really. You have copious evidence that he is abusing you. You have all authorities on your side, backing you up, believing you (because of the evidence).

Right, so you've got the police coming today - that's good. If you can't get to the breastfeeding group today, can you get a message to them giving a short summary of what's been going on, so it is logged?

Then phone shop.

Power your way through your list of things to do. Hes the one on the losing wicket, big time.

I've been following this since you first posted but haven't replied as I didn't really know what to say.

I still don't have any advice to offer.

However, what I did want to say is that, even though I don't know you I am so proud of the way you are handling everything. You are going through such a horrible time whilst trying to look after a baby and yourself and do all the 'normal' day to day things that need sorting on top of the extra hassle.

Don't, whatever you do, let this poor excuse for a man make you doubt yourself.

There is a lovely quote that I cam across when I was suffering with work related stress and depression that really helped me, and I think it would help you too....

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”
? Steven Winterburn

Stay strong - you are a credit to your DD

Thank you kyyria that's a really nice thing to say.

The police have been and couldn't help and said that it can't be taken as harassment because I haven't been clear cut and told him not to contact me in anyway only through a solicitor and they said it won't stand up as intimidation but still took all the details and told me what to send him tomorrow an said if he sends any messages then they'll come out again and take it from there. They gave me a ref number and said he could be tracking me from
Y phone so made sure it was all turned off, they said it sounds like I've been completely reasonable and tried to make things work but he can't grow up and they said it doesn't sound like he wants contact for DD for him but his mother and court sounds like the way to go

BF women was helpful to and recommend that I contact social services about him and how he's been towards DD but I don't want to phone them.

Just phoning the council next and see what they say about housing this week

I don't understand the police saying this. Round our way the police are very clued up on domestic abuse - not all forces are, unfortunately. It sounds to me that they haven't had the training to recognise this for what it is. I would get on to Womens Aid and see what they say about the approach the police are taking. It's all logged, anyway, so that's something. I'm sorry it was a disappointment (to say the least..)

What is your worry about social services, Far? You mentioned way up thread that there are things you are worried he could hang over you - can you say what they are? eg abusive partners/ex's can often use eg PND to threaten the mother; or general depression, MH issues somewhere along the line. Abusers are all hot air on this - they use these threats but they are empty threats a lot of the time.

Well done for beavering on with all this. It's not easy, you're doing so well.