WIBU to move out and take everything

[FarOverTheRainbow]

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

I haven't told him yet no. I was just going to text him on the morning I'm not looking forward to sending that message

Make the wording offical eg you have received medical advice to stop contact because he is not meeting her basic needs. Make it short. I would consider letting the police know you are sending the text so they are prepared (and it is recorded).

As you start to realise you have the weight of the law and the medical profession behind you, his influence over you will begin to decrease. Don't forget that he is just one pathetic man who thinks he can throw his weight around to force you to do what he wants.

My ex was a very powerful man but even he had to conform to institutions more powerful than him - which were in place to protect me and my kids. You are stopping contact to protect your daughter.

Hang on, I'm wondering if an official bod could draft a letter instead? A solicitor? The HV?

His next contact is Monday so I won't be ableyo get anything done and posted to him by then, but tbh I don't know of DD will be well by then anyway

Sorry, I was beng glib when I said you could relax. I think I meant that when you know you have the force of the medical profession, the law and the support of WA behind you, you would be able to start trusting yourself a bit more.

Send him the text. Honestly, the sooner it's done, the sooner it's over. Your HV advised you to stop contact, so this is not your decision alone. You have official people behind you now.

Sorry dd's still ill. I wouldn't be surprised if her condition had been exacerbated by his lack of care. Hope the doc's helpful.

You can text him cancelling contact following health official advice and that you will be back in contact with him when that advice changes.

Remind him that he is NOT to hassle, intimidate or harass you and that as he's been warned about this before, that he won't need reminding that any further harassment could be viewed as a criminal offence. Remind him that your rights as a tenant also stipulate your right to quiet enjoyment over everything and that his parents/family are not entitled to intimidate or harass you by any means either.

stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it silly-solicitor-sis!

How long will it take to go through the courts?

AFAIK, months.

So not before Christmas then?

I see how you feel nervous about having to do this, particularly as he is so unpleasant at the moment. I can't help thinking that you need some official bod to draw the line on your and dd's behalf? Perhaps go back to your HV to talk through your options. Have you contacted Womens Aid yet? I'm wondering if SS could be the agent who delivers the news he doesnt want to hear, as he thinks he can do what he likes, riding roughshod all over you and dd, taking your possessions etc.

For now, perhaps make it clear that you have received medical advice that she is not to leave your side while she is ill - which would cover tomorrow. Then see what your options are. Talk to Womens Aid about getting a court order quickly?

Really do call Women's Aid! That has been recommended all the way through this thread.

Even if you called them early on, call again. Your issues are more clear-cut now - You have a verbally and emotionally abusive ex who threatens you and puts your one year old daughter in the care of grandparents who like to make her cry, she comes home soaked and without a nappy on. He doesn't care if she's ill and wants you, he cares about his 'rights' more than her needs. He has had a police warning already. You've seen a solicitor but didn't find him helpful. You are worried that your daughter is neglected when she is with him, and you are intimidated by how aggressive he is with you. Your HV recommended you stop contact, but you are scared to because of how he may react. What should you do?

Good post shiney

far, you are going to have to take a deep breath and trust those that care about you.

Your HV wouldn't say stop contact for a trivial thing. She believes you. We believe you.

Be just that little bit brave, see what it's like for a young Mummy Bear to stand up and growl a little. As she learns to roar for her cub.

Roar Far roar! :)

How are you far did you let him know? And how is your DD?

I am so sorry for this very difficult and scary situation you are in. But at least you are now starting to get support from the professionals, and I'm sure things will soon improve.

I haven't let him know yet I know I should have but I'm scared to. I've tried to phone WA a few times and there always busy but will keep calling once DD is in bed. He's texted me a couple of times tonight to arrange for my faulty fire alarm to be replaced and asking if he should collect D D from my house and then again to say my fire alarm isn't getting fitting so he will pick DD up from normal place. I don't know what to say back but need to do it soon

I am a serious wuss I know

Tried calling WA a few more times an left my number and they called me back, was talking to them for 30min and they were great! Gave me a number for a local domestic violence/abuse help centre and said they can who over the phone or you can go in and see someone and they will also write a letter to the courts when things end up going there. She said that it is abuse and now were not together and e can't control me he's doing it through DD and that everything i told her it wouldn't be a bad thing to stop contact but he isn't sticking to the agreement so it wouldn't e wrong of me not to stick to it anyway because of that alone. She said it sounds like it would be best for this to go to court.

She also said that she thinks I should move out of this house ASAP and the council were wrong to advice me stay and that because of my situation the day I move out they should have temporary accommodation fr me but they don't want to give me that so recommend I stay but the local centre will help with that of I want. She said that the house is a massive way for them to
Control me and she can put me in touch with a refuge if I wanted as soon as I want to make sure me and DD are safe. She was really helpful and explained that it isn't normal because I said its hard to see it as abuse excuse its just the way things are

So glad to hear you've finally contacted Womens Aid! Now you can see why so many of us rave on about it

Sounds like you got some solid advice and support - great. What did she say about tomorrow ie how to approach it? I think it would be a good idea to say that dd is ill and you have had medical advice that she is to stay with you and that contact can't go ahead tomorrow.

Tick the one day off, then go for it to get more solid things in place..

Genuine question: what are you afraid of re him? I'm asking as, if you can explore the fear, you may see that a lot of it is unfounded OR you can get protection if eg you are afraid he will be violent.

It looks like things could really move on now and you won't be left hanging, a sitting duck for their control and abuse.

yes it is abuse. it takes a while to get used to the idea. Womens Aid will probably recommend you attend the Freedom Programme - click the 'Search' button in the middle of the top row to find a group near you. You will meet women in a similar situation - that alone is a help. Its a brilliant course which really helps you to get your head around what has been going on and to recognise that it is abuse.

How are you doing tonight? How is dd?

That's brilliant Far! And getting in touch with a local centre sounds like a great idea. I hope this is where everything starts getting much brighter for you both!

That's good news far. I'm really glad you are getting somewhere. There are people out there that want to help. As I said a couple of weeks ago keep all your evidence. Get a nice file, notepaper and record everything. Copies of receipts, photos of text messages, detailed notes. You may need this, it will protect your daughter.

Hope your daughter is feeling better.

You are not a wuss I am sure many of us would have hung back in the same situation. Confrontation is difficult. I would have been a lot wussier than you!

But you are a great mum, and you are getting outside support now.

I'm afraid of what will happen by not doing what he wants. I use to know the person he was 110% but he's not that person. He's raised his hand to me, he's told me he wants to hit me life then he's ever wanted to hit anyone. He's threatened to smash my car and I believe he would get someone else to do that and I wouldn't be surprised to come home one day and the windows have been smashed or things stolen. His family like to get tere own way and I know they'll be consequences and not knowing what's goin to happen scares me. And the lies tey tell are shocking that worries me alot.

Well I texted and he's saying we'll have to go to court because I'm
Stopping him wee'ing his child and when he saw her the other day he was pretty much back to normal and I'm withholding her from him
Now and it's ovbiously
My breast milk that is making her poorly all the time so I should stop feeding her and I need to use my head and I'm not being fair

Did Womens Aid offer you a refuge? I really think that you should take them up on the offer if they did. Not only will it get you away from him and his family, they will give you support in lots of other ways.

I am sorry you are going through this. I do think it is right that you stop contact with your DD. Heaven only knows how they treat her :(

Right, I get it, that is frightening . Have you told the police all this? They need to know it all.

Ha! Let him take you to court then. He doesn't stand a chance. The tirade you wrote about (your last post), did he text it or say it? Let's hope he texted it = evidence.

What do you think about going to a refuge? It could mean you'd have to leave everything behind. What do Womens Aid say about that?

Hold on, you have a lot of rl support. Something needs to be done as soon as, you and dd need to be safe.

(btw I hope you can see that the details of your last post show abuse, no question, not even borderline)

I haven't told the police no. I'm going to phone the local support place today and the lady said they can talk over the phone r go and see them so I might go and see them.

He sent it all through text. I think he'll realise how stupid he's made himself look by saying its breastfeeding making her ill. But ill phone the breast feeding support women today and mention it to her and she can reassure me and write it down.

My faulty alarm isn't getting replaced today now.

They did offer me a safe house but I'm going to speak to that place about it all today because se said they can speak to the council too

Yeh he texted everything and I'm quite proud of myself for my replies. Kept calm and factual and tbh I think I made him look an idiot and I know he'll be so frustrated today

Glad you are going to get help. My Ex was abusive in many ways and I know it is really hard to extricate yourself from that kind of relationship because you constantly doubt yourself.

Good luck.

I phoned them
And they were very helpful and have made an appointment for me to go and speak to them next week and said they had solicitors on hand for advice too. They said if I have any concerns regarding DDs safe keeping then don't let her go and let him take me to court