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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not understand why you'd boast about a natural childbirth?

265 replies

HolaGuapo · 27/09/2013 12:34

A colleague of mine had a baby girl this morning.
Long backstory with the colleague but to cut it short - she's very strange, everything is always about her (constantly) and how much money etc she has and a couple of people at work have said things along the lines of she's a bit of a narcissist. Her life seems to be one constant, long drama (she's bragged about the fact that she tricked her ex into getting her pregnant and then at 30 weeks was engaged to a guy she'd known 2 weeks and he is apparently taking the baby on as his own) and she lies about a lot of things.

So I went on Facebook, saw she'd posted 'DD born this morning, weighs x' etc. at the end of the status she put 'no pain relief used except a tiny bit of gas and air. So proud of myself'. I commented congratulations, and she replied saying 'thanks, I'm so amazed, I can't believe i did it with only a small amount of gas and air, so proud of myself for not needing anything else'. Scrolling up I saw everyone who had congratulated had also had this kind of reply.
I'm 22 weeks pregnant with my first and I have a low pain threshold so know I will need some sort of pain relief. However, even if I didn't, I wouldn't be boasting about how much (or how little) pain relief I'd used!
AIBU to just not understand why you'd boast about this?

OP posts:
kungfupannda · 27/09/2013 18:25

As I said, I was proud of the way I, inside my own head, had managed my feelings and fears.

I didn't say I was proud of having a fast labour or a labour where the pain was manageable. I said I was proud of the way I managed it.

If someone else could have seen inside my head, they might have been thinking I was a panicky, hysterical wuss who needed to get a huge grip. I'm prone to over-thinking and getting wound up, so for me to stay relatively calm and logical in my head was a big deal for me.

Retropear · 27/09/2013 18:25

You have pride in your baby because of the love you feel.

SourSweets · 27/09/2013 18:26

What's with this constant undermining of people though?

Why is it more acceptable for you to say "bollocks, it was pure luck" about my drug free labour than it is for me to say "oh you were just a wuss" about your 'pain relieved' labour?

Neither are accurate and neither are positive, helpful things to say about another woman who has also brought a child into the world.

EugenesAxe · 27/09/2013 18:27

It's a bizarre thing to be proud of in my opinion... speaking as someone that had both my children with very little pain relief.

I think you can feel pride when you put in effort and produce something decent as a result. I agree with the early poster that said a natural birth is more about luck. It's like saying you are proud of your baby for being correctly positioned Hmm

MistressDeeCee · 27/09/2013 18:29

We're all proud of our babies in our way but I think crowing about having had a natural birth just comes across as showing off - thats not about the baby, its about the mother telling other women 'I did better than you'. Not nice.

Iloverusks · 27/09/2013 18:34

Good for her.

I think it only seems like a boast if you are worried about that person being judgemental if you don't do the same.

A midwife told me you don't get a medal for trying to deal with unbearable pain. I vowed to only use g&a but when that pain hit me I was shouting for an epidural!

SunshineMMum · 27/09/2013 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/09/2013 18:35

YABVU OP.

You don't like this woman, so give her a swerve. I find it disgusting very bad form to slag her off the day she gave birth, regardless of how she did it and what she said about it in the following hours.Angry

flowersinavase · 27/09/2013 18:35

I'm proud of having had a natural birth (and OP - she didn't have a natural childbirth if she used G&A, surely?). It was very hard work. Incredibly hard work.

If I'd run a marathon I'd be proud - why not of this?

It's not the same as boasting about having a tooth remove without pain relief: there's no effort in having a tooth removed. You just lie there. Giving birth is very very hard.

However being proud of having a natural childbirth isn't disparaging a 'non' natural one: it's not a competition! DC#1's birth involved all the medical skills and drugs known to the western world, DC#2 was totally unmedicated: this was luck (he was in the right position etc), my choice (I could have taken the drugs but chose not to) and my hard work. Another woman could have had the same opportunity to go without drugs, but chosen not to: up to her. Same end result.

I wanted a natural childbirth, I was given the opportunity and I worked for it. So I'm very proud (and couldn't really care less how other people give birth: it's irrelevant).

MistressDeeCee · 27/09/2013 18:37

Im wondering about the FB replies. Were there friends reading the thread with all these women also boasting about having natural births..feeling downhearted, unable to reply as theyd had epidural etc..

Ledkr · 27/09/2013 18:41

i didn't say I was proud of having a fast labour or a labour where the pain was manageable. I said I was proud of the way I managed it
kungfu can you see that might be percueved as suggesting that someone who did need pain management just didn't manage her pain as well.
As I keep saying, I needed serious pain relief with ds1 but not ds3 but it was nothing to do with my ability to manage it was quite simply a lot more painful Grin

MoominsYonisAreScary · 27/09/2013 18:41

I was pleased I had nothing with ds2 because I hate spinals, although it was a relatively quick birth and he was small, if it had been 3 days again and an 11lb 2 baby like ds1 was id have probably taken anything they threw at me.

Retropear · 27/09/2013 18:47

No childbirth is easier for some some of the time.

MistressDeeCee · 27/09/2013 18:48

My sis in law suffered a bad back for years after epidural, so I was determined not to have one. So, I didnt. But Id never ever boast about a natural birth, especially not to a woman who'd have an epidural or drug intervention. Thats mean. In fact I wouldnt boast about it at all its no big deal if Id been crucified with pain & epidural was the only option to take that pain away then, Id have taken it. Childbirth is something almost all women go through, its hardly unique in that respect. Bragging about how you do it, particularly in these social media days when nothing appears to be private anymore and the boasting is very public, makes me roll my eyes

Ledkr · 27/09/2013 18:49

11lbs 2 ?

ShowOfHands · 27/09/2013 18:49

Two of my FB friends have just had babies. Both naturally, both without any painkillers. One posted how pleased she was with the labour and delivery, how lucky she felt, how proud of her body she was and how amazed she is at how well it went and how in love she is. It's a lovely, lovely status. The other has actually used the phrase "I'm so pleased to have been able to give my baby the birth that every baby deserves. It wasn't easy but it wasn't about me".

Clearly, there's a line. "Friend" number two can't see the line as she's blinded by smuggery and judgeiness.

Once upon a time I'd have been floored by her comments. I'm all better now though and instead know that she's being a tosspot.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 27/09/2013 18:51

It was awful, they put him on me and I said what is it! Luckily they thought I was asking if it was a boy or girl

kungfupannda · 27/09/2013 18:53

Ledkr - in my long post I address that. I said I don't know how I'd have managed in anyone else's labour. I only know that I was finding it hard to stay calm in my labour, which someone else might well have found a walk in the park, and I had to get a pretty solid grip on myself to keep calm. I don't think I would have managed it if it had gone on any longer, so I was very, very lucky that it was fast.

Like I said, I'm inclined to get stressed easily. The aspect of my first labour that I found most difficult was self-control. I know how hard I worked to keep calm and I am proud of that. That may not be a big deal to someone else, but it was a big deal for me. The baby dropping out in one push was luck - what was going on inside my head was down to me.

My point is that no-one knows what anyone else goes through in labour. No-one is able to compare pain levels or the intensity of the labour or the way an individual woman can cope with stress. All anyone can ever know is how they felt during their own labour.

Retropear · 27/09/2013 18:54

Hence there being no place for bragging.

BrokenSunglasses · 27/09/2013 18:55

its about the mother telling other women 'I did better than you'. Not nice.

No it isn't! It's a mother telling someone, maybe another woman, how they feel about themselves. It is nothing to do with anyone else at all. Why do people have to make it about anything other than what it actually is?

You have pride in your baby because of the love you feel.

And you can feel pride in yourself because of the pain you feel, but neither are an achievement.

Giving birth is a huge experience for most women, and to belittle women who feel a particular way after having that huge experience is just mean.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 27/09/2013 18:57

Actually I was proud of myself after ds5 was born by elcs as the spinal started to wear off before they even got him out so I managed it with gas and air while the anesthnatist (sp) frantically tried to make it work again

Retropear · 27/09/2013 18:58

Sorry plenty of people have big experiences and re something like childbirth which has a masssseeeeeve amount of factors involved the recipient has no control over eg nature,facilities,money- feeling and sharing pride is utterly misplaced and not very nice.

Viviennemary · 27/09/2013 18:59

I agree that surviving labour is an achievement for anybody. I had one easy birth and one not so easy. No reflection on my 'birth giving skills' . If she annoys you so much don't bother with her. It's a lot easier!

daimbardiva · 27/09/2013 19:00

I gave birth w just gas and air and was incredibly proud of myself as I'd fully ecpected to need every bit of pain relief going as I am normally a wimp w pain!! But i also realise i was lucky to have an uncomplicated relatively quick labour. I felt like a superhero. But I didn't boast about it on FB.

I think it's fine to feel like that but not to rub it in the faces of those who didn't have the birth they wanted or had more difficult labours with complications.

Retropear · 27/09/2013 19:00

I'm guessing those of us just lying there during a c/s akin to having a tooth out have nothing to feel proud of. Hmm