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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party

318 replies

MumtoJacob · 26/09/2013 16:49

I think I have done the right thing, but I feel truly awful. I have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party because of discraceful behaviour both at home and at school. I have had his teacher talk to me four times already this term, twice this week, about his attitude. When he is corrected for misbehaving, he is rude and disrespectful to his teachers. He has told them he doesn't care if he is in trouble and he is so defiant.

He is really out of control at the moment and has been warned many times that he will not have his party if it continues. We have never had a party for him before as they are so expensive, and had said both children could have one on their 6th birthdays. He has looked forward to it for a long time, but the threat of cancelling hasn't made a difference to his behaviour. Nor have the rewards and praise for his good behaviour on good days and his treats for earning house points or other positive achievements.

He doesn't know yet. I am waiting for his Dad to get home so we can sit him down and talk through why we have had to cancel it. AIBU to cancel the party? Sad

OP posts:
poopadoop · 26/09/2013 21:01

i know it probably sounds over simplistic but are you absolutely sure he is getting enough fresh air, exercise, good food and sleep? Of course I feel for you in this, but I think YABU in being fixed on punishments if he isn't that invested in what is being taken away. It sounds like you're going to have to really work with him on why he is behaving as he is, and on helping him develop self-management. I'd check out his blood sugar levels too - good luck

MarshaBrady · 26/09/2013 21:02

Whoops.. Kindness and support, I think you'll start to see changes if he feels happier.

I feel for him too, so sad that he said he didn't mind.

School involvement too.

It does sound tough. And I can see why things feel very hard atm.

fortyplus · 26/09/2013 21:06

Why do parents use threats of punishment to try to encourage a child to behave better?
Why not use rewards? So instead of cancelling a longed-for party, we should be saying 'If you behave well at school and don't get into trouble then we will celebrate with a party'.
In my experience the worst -behaved kids were the ones who were grounded for a month, had their computer taken away for a year, their x-box for a decade etc.

AmberLeaf · 26/09/2013 21:08

Can you ask to have an appointment with the school SENCO [special needs co ordinator]?

I think you all could benefit from some extra help with strategies for dealing with his outbursts and help with identifying triggers for this sort of behavior.

maddening · 26/09/2013 21:15

the thing I always hear about discipline is the need for consistency - so if this has only kicked in this month your discipline routine may not have impacted overall behaviour yet - decide on how you will apply discipline and stick to it. And do it alongside a reward system.

he is settling in to school - his whole routine and boundaries have changed - adjustment can make a dc uneasy and the reassurance of a consistent discipline routine will help in the long run.

merrymouse · 26/09/2013 21:15

I think I would cancel/postpone the party, but because it sounds as though he wouldn't be able to handle it, not as a punishment.

It sounds as though more is going on here than just bad behaviour - 6 is still little and he sounds overwhelmed. I think 'lovebombing' is definitely worth a try. Spend a couple of days where you set him up for success. No rushing in the morning, really listen to him, be 'ho hum' seen it all before about tantrums, ignore bad behaviour in school. Set firm boundaries where ig ix important but give yourself the time to enforce them firmly, calmly and with a sense of humour.

This won't be a cure all, but from what you say, either he is caught in a 'don't care' rut or he is having real difficulties. I think punishment and rewards have their place, but they won't change things here - you'll just get caught in a cycle of escalating promises/threats.

Original poster
MumtoJacob · 26/09/2013 21:17

We don't focus only on punishment, although it seems I have implied this. We spend a lot of one to one time with him. We talk with him in bed at the end of every day about how he is feeling. We praise him for all the good things he has done and tell him how proud we are. We have the Love Bombing book and we do this. I have spent a weekend away from home doing whatever he wants to do and had a wonderful weekend.

He is not struggling educationally at school. His teacher has said he does really well and participates and behaves well during structured parts of the day.

He has good friends who we see outside of school, but I worry this circle could get smaller as I have seen him start to.misbehave for others when he gets familiar.

I don't want to punish him, I am devastated about cancelling his party and I am struggling not to back track. DP and grandparents feel he cannot have a party as it is too big a reward when we have aeen no improvement in his behaviour. They feel more sure than I do.

The party was booked for 4 weeks time at a soft play. No invites have gone out. His birthday has not been cancelled and he has been told that we will do something special on the day, but it will not be the big party.

Thanks for all your replies.

OP posts:
maddening · 26/09/2013 21:18

I would offer him the chance to earn a party back with good behaviour - so if he earns x amount he could take a couple of friends out for pizza, if more he gets something better etc give him a chance to turn it around.

merrymouse · 26/09/2013 21:18

Also, I think that if your DS were mature enough to control his behaviour in anticipation of a party you wouldn't have this problem in the first place.

sittinginthesun · 26/09/2013 21:19

That is so sad, for you all. Hmm

Have you been into school and talked this through properly? Did they have any suggestions?

merrymouse · 26/09/2013 21:20

Also look up a book called "simplicity parenting" by Kim something or other.

ExcuseTypos · 26/09/2013 21:21

I wouldn't let him 'earn' the party back.

That's too much to put on his shoulders. It would probably lead to more meltdowns.

Tabliope · 26/09/2013 21:24

I hope the grandparents aren't telling him off too - it won't help if he's getting it from all angles. I really feel for you MumtoJacob, it must be horrible. I think rootypig's idea of the love bombing is good (sorry she went through that with her parents) and the book Mme Lindor has suggested. I hope you find a solution as you obviously love him very much.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 26/09/2013 21:24

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time :(

You have told him about the party now, I'd just leave it. He can have a 7th Birthday party instead and you can rethink what you will do about his birthday this year. Frankly, having a party with rowdy kids and your own DS being unpredictable sounds like a recipe for a disaster anyway.

I think you need to rule out (or in) any special needs he might have and take it from there.

I would be looking to see a few different specialists in behaviour/psychology and wracking my brain as to what might be causing this behaviour.

I assume it's quite bad as the school have spoken to you about it. Do they have any suggestions of who to speak to or what they think might be causing it?

How was he in Reception?

buss · 26/09/2013 21:26

Rule grandparents out of the equation - not their choice to make.
I agree with other posters who suggest that you should allow him to have the party.

I see that the excellent 'How to talk' has been recommended - another great book is 'The Explosive Child.' It's very good.
It explains how you can't teach an inflexible child to change their behaviour by being inflexible yourself!

merrymouse · 26/09/2013 21:27

I also think that parents have to support teachers re: discipline and should agree on standards of behaviour, but the teacher is responsible for his behaviour when he is in her care. If she feels she can't do this you need to talk to her, but a 'wait till I tell your parents' approach won't work, and you can't control your son's behaviour remotely.

merrymouse · 26/09/2013 21:30

Also like 'explosive child'.

Hulababy · 26/09/2013 21:31

behaves well during structured parts of the day

This statement tells me that you really need to investigate further - both at home and with school.

School can start to help too - he behaves when his time is structured - so they need to make sure he is engaged and involved in structured activities as much s possible whilst he is in the classroom. Does the class have a TA? This is one of the roles the TAs at my school have.

Hulababy · 26/09/2013 21:32

And I agree with the poster who says that he probably really does mind about all this punishments. But he is trying to protect himself by telling you - and more importantly himself - that he doesn't.

pigletmania · 26/09/2013 21:35

Yanbu at all, he is old enough to understand, nor would I feel sorry for him, he had enough warnings. As others have sad parties are a treat not an entitlement! Does not mean yu are nt going to celebrate his birthday. Jst have cake and presents at home, extremely low key.

Apileofballyhoo · 26/09/2013 21:37

What age is your younger child? How was your DS's behaviour before the sibling arrival?

Swanhilda · 26/09/2013 21:37

I haven't read past page 5, but I've been thinking that the mistake is to build up the party in the first place. In fact I think children of that age get very confused by the mixed messages of the threats, the BIG TREAT and the impossibility of being good until the treat has finally arrived. I wouldn't cancel the party but I would change the whole theme of the party make it much smaller, at home or just a few friends to the cinema.

I think you shouldn't engage children in long term reward systems, especially when such an indefinable thing as "behaviour" is involved. Is he actually thinking of his party and how it might be cancelled when he makes a retort to the teacher?

As others have said, why is he feeling so tense in the classroom that he acts up? However it does sound as if in the state he is in, a large riotous party is not a suitable arena for him to be his better self anyway. I would change it all in a very upbeat way, not saying it is any way a punishment just downplay the way the party is going to go. After all a party is a party , it doesn't have to be big and expensive. Speaking as someone who gave several parties of just 7-8 children for ds2 at home and they were always a success, more so than my daughter's parties with 25 children leaping around Soft Play [shudder]

Afiach · 26/09/2013 21:37

You poor thing. Not much advice to give, just to let you know that it's clear you're doing the best for your boy, and you seem like a very patient and loving mother.

YouHaveAGoodPoint · 26/09/2013 21:41

I think you are doing the right thing. Sometimes a shock can help. Your kids have to believe you will carry out punishments.

Have you considered allowing him to earn back the privilege of having a late party by being well behaved for the month or so.

I sometimes let my kids earn things back. It seemed to work well although it was usually for smaller things over a shorter time scale.

MoominMammasHandbag · 26/09/2013 21:41

What's his teacher like OP? My 7 year old has been a bit of a favourite with all his teachers except for one part time lady who he is unfortunately having for two afternoons again this year. She seems to see him as a naughty child when no one else ever has and from what he says, he is naughtier now inn her class because he feels he will be told off anyway, he cannot please her.
To be honest this lady comes across as pleasant enough, but she really clashes with my lad. Maybe your son has a similar problem.