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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party

318 replies

MumtoJacob · 26/09/2013 16:49

I think I have done the right thing, but I feel truly awful. I have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party because of discraceful behaviour both at home and at school. I have had his teacher talk to me four times already this term, twice this week, about his attitude. When he is corrected for misbehaving, he is rude and disrespectful to his teachers. He has told them he doesn't care if he is in trouble and he is so defiant.

He is really out of control at the moment and has been warned many times that he will not have his party if it continues. We have never had a party for him before as they are so expensive, and had said both children could have one on their 6th birthdays. He has looked forward to it for a long time, but the threat of cancelling hasn't made a difference to his behaviour. Nor have the rewards and praise for his good behaviour on good days and his treats for earning house points or other positive achievements.

He doesn't know yet. I am waiting for his Dad to get home so we can sit him down and talk through why we have had to cancel it. AIBU to cancel the party? Sad

OP posts:
LCHammer · 26/09/2013 23:19

I've cancelled DS's party on two occasions. He was 9-10, maybe even

LCHammer · 26/09/2013 23:20

... even older. I wish I could say its made any difference long term.

It's an awful feeling and I know nobody would rand this measure lightly.

Lweji · 26/09/2013 23:24

It's not about cruelty but about immediacy.

Delayed punishments have little effect at this age, particularly if he is a bit immature.

This party is a few weeks away.
A toy is now.

I also like the idea of earning back, rather than simply punishing.

TigOldBitties · 26/09/2013 23:32

I really agree with Pigglesworth in that the 'I don't care' is all part of the power struggle.

As I said my DD is really strong willed. Her behaviour is now generally under control but I remember when she was 3 or 4, I came home to find that after apparently throwing them around the room and at her brother and being completely destructive after not winning a game, DH had told DD he would take all her toys away until the weekend and that her response had been "I don't care, I don't want them, I don't like them", and she had started to try to put her toys in the bin. Next day she did obviously care but still was so stubborn and wouldn't admit it. It was only once she had them back would she say she missed her toys and was sad without them.

Even at 6 he knows caring is you winning and so won't admit it. I'd strongly doubt though that he actually doesn't care at all. A lot of it sound like he's probably very bright and strong willed, so just bored and determined to get his own way. You need to reign him in a bit and get control back.

mydoorisalwaysopen · 26/09/2013 23:33

My son's behavior always deteriorates before his birthday party - he gets really stressed about it. Could this be the case got your son?

CreatureRetorts · 27/09/2013 06:58

I wish people would stop talking about a 6 year old engaged in power struggles etc etc. he's 6 ffs!!!

Approaching this as some sort of battle is the road to madness. I am willing to bet that if you carry on down this road of trying to find big punishments to make him tow the line will end up with a child with low self esteem who's parents only love him when he's perfect.

randomAXEofkindness · 27/09/2013 07:36

I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of a dc having to 'earn' a birthday celebration with good behavior. If you treated your partner like this it wouldn't be so difficult for people to see that it was emotionally abusive. If you want to enjoy a day with friends and family celebrating his existence - have the party! If you don't want to celebrate his existence because he isn't good enough for you - even at 6, this won't be lost on him - then don't have the party. But don't expect his feelings and behavior to change for the better. And if you already know that cancelling it isn't going to make him feel better, isn't it just spiteful?

ll31 · 27/09/2013 08:07

Agree with prev poster. party is 4 wks away, seeme like töö far to mean a lot.

If u genuinely have concerns his issues are autism related then why haven't you sought help?

Disliked intensely ur comment re do and ggrandparents all feel party should be cancelled. Beside your 'easy' daughter, and extended family criticising him your ds must feel very loved....

pigletmania · 27/09/2013 08:12

Random totally different, you are not comparing like with like! Ds is a child he has to learn, op gave enough warnings so his party is cancelled not his birthday fgs! Emotionally abusive my big hairy arse get a grip! So in your reasoning children should not have sanctions because it's emotionally abusive! Now I've heard it all!

pigletmania · 27/09/2013 08:16

A party is a treat not a right, so children who don't have parties are in some way abused? Op is going to celebrate his birthday, and I bet he will have a fantastic time, just having a more low key, with family, presents and cake. Emotionally abused I don't think so!

ll31 · 27/09/2013 08:18

The op says she's wondered if he's on the spectrum,her words. She hasn't as far as we know sought help on this. So she's constantly punishing him while thinking actually he might have sone issues. That's unfair definitely. Feel sorry for him tb

randomAXEofkindness · 27/09/2013 08:28

'Sanctions' Pig. Urrgh.

Children do need to learn about the world and how things work. They'll learn from what you do, not what what you tell them to do. I can think of plenty of things applying 'sanctions' teaches them, and none of them are about respect for others feelings and unconditional love.

And of course a child simply not having a birthday party is not emotionally abusive. But planning one, telling him about it, and then telling him "well actually, I'm not going to let you enjoy that now because you just don't meet my standards", is.

pigletmania · 27/09/2013 08:30

Give the op a break she sounds like a fantastic mum, as a parent whose dd is on the spectrum it is bloody hard sometimes to admit there might be a problem, give her a break. So your all perfect parents than, who never put a foot wrong Hmm yes if she thinks he might be she needs to go to the GP and ask for a referral to the paed, and also see the senco at school

pigletmania · 27/09/2013 08:32

No it's not random, children have to learn consequences and actions. If their behaviour is not good there has to be a consequence, that's life! Good on op for following it through, he was warned many times, it did not just happen like that!

pigletmania · 27/09/2013 08:34

Just because the op applies sanctions does not mean she is a cold uncaring mother. She sounds wonderful and I don't think her ds is short of love and hugs at home!

randomAXEofkindness · 27/09/2013 08:42

I didn't say that the op is not a wonderful person. I was making the point that the punishment and reward system is shite.

I obviously have a more optimistic view of human nature than you do pig. I think that children are hardwired to be sociable and it's our job to help them to understand their own feelings and the way what they do impacts others. I think that with this knowledge, they'll choose to do the right thing because they are intrinsically motivated to do so. Threats, punishments and pats on the head are manipulative, unnecessary and usually counter productive.

ll31 · 27/09/2013 08:44

Well all we know is his behaviour is poor, his parents and extended family think he needs to be punished, he has an easy sister,his first party ever has been cancelled, punishments his parents use dont work, and he might be on spectrum app.
I would think his parents need to determine what is root cause of behaviour- and then seek some prof help in strategies to deal with it. As things are now what they are doing is not working.

randomAXEofkindness · 27/09/2013 08:45

And I don't get the sense from the op's posts that she is as 'sold' on punitive measures as you are. I don't think her instinct is to hurt him, but it is difficult when you're out of answers and there are people like you shouting 'hang the bastard, that'll show 'im!', to follow your own instincts and go against the norm.

randomAXEofkindness · 27/09/2013 08:47

cross posts. Directed at Pig, obv Grin

pigletmania · 27/09/2013 08:53

No random I don't agree with that, children don't automatically know what to do, it's your job as a parent to show them what's right or wrong and guide them, sometimes that involves sanctions if they don't behave well, which children will at times. They will push and test te boundaries, to do nothing will be detrimental. My autistic dd was not aware socially, we had to teach teach her how to interact socially and the right language she needed to communicate. Dd is an extreme but not all Chidren are the same. They are new to the world and it's norms and values

pigletmania · 27/09/2013 08:56

Random I hardly punish dd, thevlastvtime I had to use my egg timer and sad face was last year. Dd is fab I love her dearly and I am always showing her and ds how much I love them, in fact I tell them several times a day. Ds rubs away from my hugs Sad. Ll31 I totally agree she does need to seek professional help that is right

pigletmania · 27/09/2013 08:56

Runs doh

randomAXEofkindness · 27/09/2013 09:03

I didn't say that children don't know what to do. I said that they are innately sociable. I don't think they need an extrinsic motivation from us (in the form of punishments and rewards) to teach them not harm others, they don't want to harm others! To start with anyway. They need us to work with them to understand what effect what we do has on others, they'll choose to do the right thing themselves. What happens when you're not around to inflict your 'sanctions'?

Fragglewump · 27/09/2013 09:07

I haven't read the full thread but how sad to have never had a birthday party! My kids get a party every year some a lot more low key and cheap than others. If we're busted we do party games, balloons and sandwiches at home. I would have to be really livid to withdraw a party - especially if I'd made him wait 6 bloody years!!!! But now you've said you have to follow through. What a shame.

randomAXEofkindness · 27/09/2013 09:08

cross posts again! Takes me so bloody long to write with the dc's Smile

It looks like your dd is thriving without punishments Pig.

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