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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party

318 replies

MumtoJacob · 26/09/2013 16:49

I think I have done the right thing, but I feel truly awful. I have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party because of discraceful behaviour both at home and at school. I have had his teacher talk to me four times already this term, twice this week, about his attitude. When he is corrected for misbehaving, he is rude and disrespectful to his teachers. He has told them he doesn't care if he is in trouble and he is so defiant.

He is really out of control at the moment and has been warned many times that he will not have his party if it continues. We have never had a party for him before as they are so expensive, and had said both children could have one on their 6th birthdays. He has looked forward to it for a long time, but the threat of cancelling hasn't made a difference to his behaviour. Nor have the rewards and praise for his good behaviour on good days and his treats for earning house points or other positive achievements.

He doesn't know yet. I am waiting for his Dad to get home so we can sit him down and talk through why we have had to cancel it. AIBU to cancel the party?

OP posts:

ThisWayForCrazy · 26/09/2013 20:32

And actually I wouldn't threaten a birthday party or Christmas or anything he had "earned"

Original poster

MumtoJacob · 26/09/2013 20:34

Oops posted too soon.

He is always extremes. He is such a lovely sensitive boy a lot of the time.

We have told him now about the party. After an initial explosion he has calmed down now and said although he would have liked a party he doesn't mind not having one.

He breaks my heart. I don't know what to do to help him.

OP posts:

starkadder · 26/09/2013 20:36

Haven't read the whole thread but maybe you could let him earn it back (has someone else said this?) - so, every time he does something good (even small things, if he's really trying ) he earns a sticker/Marble in a jar or something which signifies one guest, something like that? You could manipulate it a but so if it really works he has the right amount of stickers.

randomAXEofkindness · 26/09/2013 20:38

YABU. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that punishments and rewards are ineffective, destructive, and counterproductive to the behavior I would assume you would want to see from your dc. Why would the person he trusted and loved most - you! - using his own hopes and happiness as a weapon to hurt him and manipulate his behavior teach him to be caring and respectful of others feelings? Alfie Kohn has written some brilliant books about the harm of punishments and rewards, reading them completely changed the way I approach my dc's.

CandidaDoyle · 26/09/2013 20:38

I've only got to page 3, but I agree with previous posters saying it might be worth investigating if there is anything causing this bad behaviour.

My DD (also 6) has had a seemingly appalling attitude for the first couple of weeks of term. Screaming and shouting at adults, and completely ignoring us back.

I was getting to my wits end with her cheeky behaviour. Then It dawned on me the other morning that she couldn't actually hear us. I arranged a hearing test for her, which confirmed glue ear - her ear drums completely failed to vibrate on being tested. She's now on the waiting list for grommets.

Since the moment I realised what the issue was, I started making sure she's facing me when speaking and having conversations away from back ground noise etc. The difference in her behaviour has been instantaneous. She's much happier and smilier and I only have to ask her once to get dressed (instead of 150 times), so everything is much more relaxed

Not saying this is the problem with your DS, he could of course just be naughty. But it's worth trying to figure out if there is something bothering him, causing this problem.

KaFayOLay · 26/09/2013 20:39

Poor kid, he sounds like a rather troubled little boy

StillSlightlyCrumpled · 26/09/2013 20:40

Hi mumto, that sounds so difficult and very upsetting for all of you. I would be asking for him to see the school senco with a view to him being seen by the educational psychologist. If nothing else they will be able to put your mind at rest.

His behaviour is extreme & very concerning as you obviously realise. It sounds as though he does too, but struggles to control himself.

CatAmongThePigeons · 26/09/2013 20:41

Is he struggling with school?

BeerTricksPotter · 26/09/2013 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExcuseTypos · 26/09/2013 20:43

I agree that you should arrange a meeting with the school, with a view to them organising an assessment.

StillSlightlyCrumpled · 26/09/2013 20:45

Does he have an IEP for school?
The school nurse should also be able to give you some advice about how to manage him at home.

Liara · 26/09/2013 20:45

It sounds like school is not working out for him. I home ed, and have met several children who exhibited this kind of pattern of behaviour when introduced to school, and it stopped when they went to home ed.

Not saying you should home ed, of course, but maybe you should investigate why school is not working out? Maybe consider the possibility of moving him to a different school?

randomAXEofkindness · 26/09/2013 20:46

That sounded really cold. I've only realized since posting on mn that I come across so bloody mean . I hope I make up for it in real life with my tone of voice etc - but I probably don't. I'll have to do something about that!

Anyway, I'm not saying you're cruel or spiteful or anything, you sound like a lovely mum at the end of her tether and obviously feel terrible about it. I just wanted you to know that there is an alternative to the norm. We're usually told that when punishments and rewards aren't working, we're just not doing it properly, need to be more consistent, or need to find stronger punishments and rewards, when actually it seems clear that we should just drop them altogether and look at it from a different angle: working WITH kids, rather then doing things TO them.

Hope everything goes well for you

saulaboutme · 26/09/2013 20:47

What Hissy said. Good luck OP.....and yanbu.

Blu · 26/09/2013 20:47

MumToJacob - in truth, I wouldn't know how to handle that. I agree the behaviour is quite extreme and the apparant shrugging off of consequences (not minding not having a party etc) sort of puts him beyond reach.

And maybe this is what he is doing - not valuing anything, so that he won't be disappointed, or something. Or creates self fulfilling prophesies so that he never expects anything. I don't know.

Does he think he will never be able to be as 'well behaved' as the younger dd, so he may as well not try?

It all sounds very upsetting.

IamGluezilla · 26/09/2013 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tabliope · 26/09/2013 20:50

I'm sorry you sound at the end of your tether, it's not easy what you're going through. It sounds to me he's protecting his feelings somewhat by saying he will wait to get his toy back and that he's ok about the party, especially as he initially exploded. I think however you don't have a naughty kid on your hands - if any child is truly naughty - it's deeper than that. He does not sound a happy kid and you need to get to the bottom of that. If he is on the spectrum as you suspect is punishing him by taking his party away the appropriate response?

saulaboutme · 26/09/2013 20:50

Sorry you had a tough day, and really hope you get some result if there is a reason for his behavior.

Tabliope · 26/09/2013 20:54

Blu and IamGlue have picked up on something I was thinking but I can't quite formulate the idea in my head - almost like give a dog a bad name and hang him. Blu said "self fulfilling prophesies" and IamGlue said "sentence upon conviction". I think he minds all these things very much but he's protecting himself by pretending he doesn't. He's very young to have learned that behaviour. He sounds very mixed up. Also with the teacher today, was he punished by her? If he was he was then punished by you as well when you took his scooter away. I don't know what the answer is but whatever you're doing now I don't think it's working.

rootypig · 26/09/2013 20:56

I was a kid whose parents thought I was bad - when I was older than this. But what the relentless days of criticism and punishment brought was a sense that there was no point in trying, nothing good in our relationship, and I carry the sense of hurt with me to this day.

He sounds desperately hurt and is lashing out.

I think YABU to use such harsh sanctions without getting to the bottom of what he is feeling and why. Have you tried talking to him? or trying to respond to his behaviour with increased affection and attention? some people call this love bombing....I think the idea is sound.

ToffeeWhirl · 26/09/2013 20:56

It might be worth asking for a referral to CAMHS, op. They could help you manage your son's behaviour, as well as looking into whether anything else is going on to make him behave like this. My DS1 used to have appalling tantrums (he does have SNs, but we didn't know that at the time) and it was a clinical nurse specialist at CAMHS who helped us to manage them. I had done courses in positive behaviour management and tried using behaviour charts, but it was our contact at CAMHS who really helped in the end.

If you are concerned about whether your son is on the spectrum, have a look at the National Autistic Society website. In particular, have a look here. It could be that your son's behaviour is a response to anxiety.

NB: I am not trying to diagnose over the internet because obviously diagnosis is a complex matter. But I do think these things are worth looking at, particularly if you are beginning to ask questions about SNs yourself.

rootypig · 26/09/2013 20:58

cross post Tabliope, I agree. Especially with I think he minds all these things very much but he's protecting himself by pretending he doesn't.

And yy to him being mixed up. You think you're giving him a clear message with the endless discipline. What he is learning is that you say you love him but he feels that you don't.

MmeLindor · 26/09/2013 20:58

MumtoJacob
Please buy 'How to talk so kids will listen'

If he does have some kind of behavioral issues, it will help you, I'm sure.

I found it interesting - to take the pressure of warnings and punishments out and just really connect to the DC

ToffeeWhirl · 26/09/2013 20:59

Also, I think the party might have proved to be another stressful experience for him which he couldn't cope with. Does he have a particular friend at school that you could invite round for a birthday tea, MumtoJacob? I suspect he would enjoy that even more than a big party.

MarshaBrady · 26/09/2013 20:59

Yes agree with all those saying help him at this point rather than punish further.

Show him some k

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