To have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party

[MumtoJacob]

I think I have done the right thing, but I feel truly awful. I have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party because of discraceful behaviour both at home and at school. I have had his teacher talk to me four times already this term, twice this week, about his attitude. When he is corrected for misbehaving, he is rude and disrespectful to his teachers. He has told them he doesn't care if he is in trouble and he is so defiant.

He is really out of control at the moment and has been warned many times that he will not have his party if it continues. We have never had a party for him before as they are so expensive, and had said both children could have one on their 6th birthdays. He has looked forward to it for a long time, but the threat of cancelling hasn't made a difference to his behaviour. Nor have the rewards and praise for his good behaviour on good days and his treats for earning house points or other positive achievements.

He doesn't know yet. I am waiting for his Dad to get home so we can sit him down and talk through why we have had to cancel it. AIBU to cancel the party?

We still don't have anymore details about the situation but I'm also in the camp that thinks this is a harsh punishment for a 5yr old who seems to be finding things difficult at the moment.
I'm not a perfect parent either but I never punish my kids. I've back tracked on threats in the past too. My 8 and 5 yr old kids are very well behaved and do not walk all over me or run riot because of it.
You really need to reach out to him now and help him to be happy and secure or get help for him if he requires it.

Good on you. I think maybe you could tell him that he could have a late celebration in 3 months if his behaviour improves. Then write out a list if expected behaviour and create a daily reward chart.

H's 6 OP. His behaviour is your responsibility to manage. I can't believe you would punish him in such a horrible way. You'll break his heart and do feck all to help him believe the world is for him not against him. I have a 6 yr old. She can be pretty defiant too. Bright, confident children often are. If trusted and encouraged and praised they will grow out of it.
The only thing this will do is upset him. It's really shocking parenting to threaten something cruel and then think you have to go through with it.

I'm disgusted with you tbh.

I wouldn't back track and let him have the party now. He needs consistent boundaries.

Are you spending much 1 to 1 time with him having fun?

Cancelling the party will not do anything to address WHY he is behaving like this, and will leave you with an angry and resentful little boy and probably with even worse behaviour - and what else will you threaten him with then? It's just not an avenue I'd want to go down. As Gluezilla says, you need to get to the root of the behaviour if you want to turn it around properly. When did it start? What's changed? He might not be able to articulate why he behaves like this, but I can't see how making him even more unhappy will help.

I can highly recommend 'How to talk so kids will listen....' - fantastic book.

Consider this all you 'serves him right' brigade.

This child is too young in developmental terms to remember reliably how to cross a road. He is too young to remember to look and listen for wacking great cars and to wait until none are there. He physically and mentally cannot do that.

Now tell me how he's supposed to be old enough to associate his behaviour at school, borne out of anger and frustration, with an abstract and horrible threat to remove something he is desperately keen on. IT WILL NOT WORK AND IT'S ACTUALLY CRUEL.

What northern said

I don't think we should be so harsh, NL.

She's obviously doubting her decision, that's why she's asking for advice.

If she's surrounded by people who insist that threats must be followed through on (and there are more people who still think this than I thought) then she might not realise there is a viable alternative.

You did the right thing! Too many parents throw out empty threats willy nilly so its nice to see somebody actually following them through!

Harsh. Very. His first ever party cancelled is something you'll both remember for the rest of your lives. Is this really what you want to do? Can you reverse the cancellation? Does he know all of the details? Have people been invited already? This battle was not a wise one, choose something smaller and easier and not so bloody mean and vindictive next time.

But I totally agree with your second post, NL.

The crossing the road analogy is excellent.

I just seen he is only 6, I YB little bit unreasonable, my DS is 9 and should know better

I agree with northern it's cruel and when I read the number of people saying YANBU I'm quite shocked - as I said don't be surprised if he ends up hating you if this is how you decide to parent. Taking his party away will not improve his behaviour, so you're going to spend the next 10 years doing stuff like this to curb and control him? You'll have an angry young man on your hands. Reminds me of the poem "they fuck you up, your mum and dad..." You have to find another way to manage this and as others have said there is nothing lost in sitting down quietly with him and saying I didn't mean it, I was angry and upset but we have to find a way so you're not getting into trouble, talk to me and tell me what's going on to make you do this.

He may be a sad and angry child who needs love and attention, not punishments.

Then again, he's just as likely to be a belligerent little git who thinks he can get away with murder because he's never had to face the consequences for his behaviour.

I think the OP is best placed to decide which TBH.

I'm staggered at the harshness of much of the parenting on this thread. If I had got to a stage where I was cancelling a birthday party - let alone a party for a six year old - it would be me that had failed, not my child.

It seems that being seen to be tough and consistent is valued more than helping a child who is struggling. Horrid.

No. Cancelling his birthday is too harsh, and too far away from the behaviour. Please reinstate it.

You need to work out what is going on here. Your son is only 6.

Have you tried, for a start, books like "How to talk so children will listen" or "Calmer Happier Easier Parenting"?

"don't be surprised if he ends up hating you if this is how you decide to parent."

and

"If I had got to a stage where I was cancelling a birthday party - let alone a party for a six year old - it would be me that had failed, not my child."

I agree wholeheartely.

"Nothing worse than when parents threaten consequences and don't carry them out!!" Oh, yes there is something worse. Parents who threaten consequences which are way out of proportion for a small child, and carry them through because it is not in their parenting ethos to admit that they have made a mistake.

^^ This.

I really think you need to investigate further. Something is making him unhappy. It's unusual for a child of that age to be so defiant and un-cooperative at school.

He won't associate the behaviour with the party and I think it was way too big a threat. And now, he's got nowhere to go. What possible sanction can you use next?

Please don't do it.

I am by no means a soft touch (ask my DCs!) and I worked in schools for 20 years, so I met one or two 'treasures', but Then again, he's just as likely to be a belligerent little git is one of the most horrible things I've read, said about a young child on here.

Disclaimer: I don't have a 6 year old (yet) so know fuck-all abut the reality.

However, it strikes me that a pretty fundamental part of effective parenting is having your kids on side. And it seems to me that this will do quite a lot of harm to your relationship with him.

If you do relent and go ahead with the party, he'll probably have forgotten it ever WAS a threat within a few weeks. If you cancel he'll remember though, quite possibly all his life, and not necessarily in a good way.

Is there a chance you said that would be the consequence, as it upset him so now he's pushing you to see if it's true?

I'd back down. I'd apologise for threatening not to have the party, and discuss some ground rules together to find out what he would see as fair and related as a consequence of misbwhaviour and good behaviour.

Eg jumping on the furniture may have a consequence of tidying the cushions back up afterwards. Hitting might have a consequence of drawing a no hitting poster for the room. Sorry, brain not functioning well enough for good examples right now! You get the idea though - proportionate response, clearly linked with the good/bad behaviour.

If you want to back down graciously, why not say at the moment the birthday party is just your family and one friend, with a birthday cake for pudding? Then, for each 5 stars earned, he can choose an extra guest, party game, decoration, party food etc...make the stars easy to earn, make sure 5 are earned the first day so he goes to bed understanding the rules and looking forward to earning a bigger/better party.

And remember, stars cannot be taken away...he's earning the party, but any bad behaviour should be dealt with separately with proportional, related consequences, not to turn the rewards system into a punishment system.

wingard - I don't think that saying the OP needs to follow through on a consequence = agreeing that it was a smart consequence to have put in place.
Or that people would ever use it themselves.
Or that following through means not also addressing the very obvious issues.

Its a bit of a sweeping assumption to think that is the case.

Likin refocas idea. He had lost the party but good behaviour can earn it back. And if there are little bits each day it links to the immediate consequences thing too.

Not U at all. He's only been back 5 mins and his teacher has spoken to you 4 times?

if he doesn't learn now? When then?

Its one party, hopefully he'll learn. Why would you blow a wad full of cash on a child that is hell bent on playing up. YANBU at all.

Do people really think a 5/6 year old child does 'bad' things for the hell of it? with nothing being wrong/going on?

I expect people that think like that are in the 'some people are born evil' camp too.

This thread is soo depressing.

As he always been defiant?

My son has ODD. Threatening things never bothered him, or changed his behaviours. Same with rewards and praise, no change.

But in my parenting courses we were always told to never threaten what you aren't willing to carry out. Make your threat clear with a measurable target. If they don't meet the target then carry out the threat. Don't give second chances, don't make the threat less than it was originally put.

Good luck x

I have only got to p3 of responses so apologies if I am missing some of your responses in my reply at this point.

He has always been strong willed, but we have managed it at home. But since starting in reception last Sept, it is as though he has discovered adults have no real power and at the same time as deteriorating behaviour in school, we have lost control at home.

We have tried smaller punishments- Time out/ 5 mins in bedroom (this works at the time to calm him but does not improve overall behaviour). Taken a favoured toy away for the day/week- he tells us that is fine as he will just wait until tomorrow/next week to have it back. We have cancelled day trips or returned home early. He doesn't care.

Hard to cover all angles without writing a novel. Todays example - defiant behaviour all day at school and at the end of the day, left the classroom without permission, took his scooter from me and scooted off, before his teacher managed to tell me she needed a word. When I had finished with his teacher, I calmly took his scooter, told him I was disappointed and because he had misbehaved at school and scooted off, he could walk home and we would talk abiut his behaviour at school. He started screaming that I was an idiot and he wanted to kill me. The whole journey home was much the same. He threw his bags at me, he threw rubbish at me, bottles off the floor, whilst shouting all the way. When we arrived home, he was sent straight to his room. Once there for a while he was totally calm and repentant. This is all very typical these days.

TBH, we have wondered if he is on the spectrum. We have a younger daughter who is so easy in comparison, and has none of the issues he has. It is s