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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect family to fit around dd

135 replies

mumaa · 25/09/2013 12:06

MIL likes to get the family together round the table for a meal, which I am all for, only thing is, it's always at a time close to DD's bedtime.

We have suggested that perhaps we could come round for lunch instead, so that we can all eat together and our time isn't limited but she seems uninterested in entertaining this idea.

Instead, she will arrange for dinner, and perhaps have it 2 hours before dd is due to go to bed, so we attend and then when we are heading off she says 'oh, are you leaving already?' Am I being unreasonable to think that moving get togethers to an earlier time of day would be more convenient for us but also allow her and other family members to spend more time with dd?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 25/09/2013 12:07

Cant you arrive earlier then go after the meal?

BurberryQ · 25/09/2013 12:08

is her bedtime set in stone then? you do not mention how old she is, i know you probably like to stick to a routine but once in a while for a family dinner....?

TheFuzz · 25/09/2013 12:08

We got our family to move 'dinners' earlier when they were younger. They 'forget' and need reminding !

Finola1step · 25/09/2013 12:10

Arrive earlier, eat when MIL serves and leave at a time that suits you dd bedtime. Even if that means leaving fairly swiftly after finishing your meal.

whatshallwedo · 25/09/2013 12:13

We have a similar problem as dd tends to fall asleep on the way home as pil live 30 mins away, she then doesn't want to go to bed.

We tend to go round after lunch so we can still spemd time with them and then leave soon after the meal.

SkinnybitchWannabe · 25/09/2013 12:13

How old is your DD?

SaucyJack · 25/09/2013 12:13

How old is your DD?

There comes a point when friends and family will get sick of having to plan their socialising around your PFB's personal routine I'm afraid.

(Yes X...... I mean you)

JoinYourPlayfellows · 25/09/2013 12:14

For me it would depend on how old your daughter is, and how late the meals are.

e.g. my 1 year old needs to be in bed by 7.

Under no circumstances other than an emergency will I keep her up later than that. It's just too miserable - she's unhappy and moaning and crying and whichever of us was dealing with her would not be able to enjoy a meal. And neither would anyone else at the table.

The older girls (3,5) I would keep up later than their usual bedtime (7.30) but really much beyond 8 and they start to act up and go a bit loopy.

I don't see the point of bringing children to social occasions they won't enjoy and their parents won't enjoy because of how miserable they are.

cees · 25/09/2013 12:15

I don't see the problem with leaving after dinner if that's what suits you. You have said it to your mil about lunch and she has ignored your suggestion, nothing more you can do.

TwerkingNineToFive · 25/09/2013 12:19

I think it depends on the child.
I have friends who are happy for their young kids to stay up till 11pm or later. My lo would be a total nightmare for days if I did that but they dont get it and think im ridiculous and a control freak.
Just explain that although a lot of kids can stay up later that's not you LOs nature and she needs routine. YANBU but don't expect them to get it.

Unexpected · 25/09/2013 12:19

How many other people are attending these meals? Are you expecting 2 or 20 people to rearrange their days for your daughter? How often are these meals and what are the consequences of your dd (age?) not going to bed on time once in a while - kids react different to late bedtimes, my ds1 was a nightmare, ds2 really laid-back.

stopgap · 25/09/2013 12:19

I'm with you, JointheFellows.

My two-year-old DS is in bed and asleep by 7.15/7.30pm. We have become more flexible about this, now that he's older, but as a baby it was less about upsetting a routine than respecting the needs of a child who didn't just "doze off in his stroller", as was helpfully suggested, but got more and more irate with the level of stimulation in a restaurant, and then couldn't sleep before midnight.

It bothered me, it bothered other diners, and things weren't much better with family occasions in a home environment.

Original poster
mumaa · 25/09/2013 12:22

DD has just turned 1, I don't mind keeping her up once in a while but for every family meal? Would it be so difficult for them to make it earlier, just while she is little... Totally agree that as she gets older it's not so much a big deal.

I have tried asking what time and she will say as an example 4 so that is when we arrive, then she will serve dinner at 5 and we shoot off at 6 which I don't mind but she then complains about it so why can't we come earlier? My OH also works at weekends when this happens so I have to 'do this' by myself and then he arrives to say hi and take us home.

My OH and I work for ourselves so I have suggested that I work on a Sunday so he can go round and they see him but the outcome isn't any different.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 25/09/2013 12:24

You don't owe this woman your attendance at any of her dinners and she doesn't get to tell you when you can leave.

Accept invitations to the meals you fancy and that are happening at at time that suits you.

Leave when you want.

Ignore any ridiculous moaning.

Unexpected · 25/09/2013 12:24

But how often does this happen? If it's every weekend surely two hours is enough anyway? If it's once a month, compromise and you go with their timings one month, they go with yours another month, in a year's time your daughter will be two and at a completely different developmental stage anyway.

Original poster
mumaa · 25/09/2013 12:31

Dinners are probably on average once a month and there is either 5 or 7 people at dinner (total, including us) depending on SIL's plans.

I've tried to explain that dd needs routine, she would be fine staying up late but the next day she still gets up at the same time and we have a grouch on our hands. Don't mind for special occasions, but it don't want to do it regularly.

I'm also reluctant to bend the rules here as MIL is the type who would say "oh, you did it last time" and therefore everytime would be expected to be the same. The dinners are usually on a Sunday, a day none of the other guests work.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 25/09/2013 12:33

Just stop worrying about her "leaving already?" comments.

The answer is "yes, time to get DD off to bed. BYEEEE" :)

DidoTheDodo · 25/09/2013 12:36

I'd just not go!

I'm not a terrifically child-friendly person myself and I would be a bit irritated if I was expected to eat my dinner at 4pm to accommodate a small child. Sorry, but there it is!

Original poster
mumaa · 25/09/2013 12:43

I'm not suggesting an early dinner, I had thought lunch instead of dinner might suit.

I get that not everyone is that interested in kids but when it's DD's grandmother, great grandparents, auntie and uncle, I hope they would be interested.

That said it is MIL who decides all timings, when we've asked for a lunch instead she just sends you a text later seeing, see you at 4 or something similar, she tends not to actually respond to the request.

I just find it a bit weird... Will just have to develop better selective hearing myself I think.

OP posts:
PeppiNephrine · 25/09/2013 12:54

Don't go if it doesn't suit. But once a month is hardly onerous, and I think definitely yabu to think the entire family should fit in around your child.

SunshineMMum · 25/09/2013 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsnotrocketscience · 25/09/2013 12:59

We go to family dinners usually once a week. Our 2.9 yr old stays up for starters then says goodnight and goes to bed upstars, when it's time to go home we just lift him and put him in buggy or car, he briefly rouses then goes back to sleep. I was anxious about keeping him up a bit late when we first started doing it, but it's great, he gets to see everyone, we get to relax after he's asleep without dashing home.

Also if you're worried about falling asleep in the car right before bedtime, just do milk, teeth, pjs before you go home, then if she falls asleep in the car just transfer straight to bed.

Obviouly it's personal preference,some people are happier being less flexible about their routines, this way works for us.

Beastofburden · 25/09/2013 13:00

In your shoes I would either go earlier and do your socialising before dinner; or if all the other family members arrive too late for this, I would flex bedtime by half an hour once a month, because the grouching will be trivial from that. In fact I suspect you could do an hour and it would be OK. Make the point that in six months she will probably be old enough to stay longer, and smile.

I think YABU to ask for it to be switched to lunch as other people have routines and plans that this could be a problem for.

SanityClause · 25/09/2013 13:01

I always found that babies were far more adaptable than slightly older children. Can she not be put to sleep in a bedroom, while you socialise? I really don't understand this worshipping at the altar of "routine". If it's a Sunday night, then I appreciate you might want to get back early-ish for work the next day. But if it's Saturday, will it reeeeeaally hurt her to have a latish night once a month?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 25/09/2013 13:04

"I think YABU to ask for it to be switched to lunch as other people have routines and plans that this could be a problem for."

So only babies' routines are impossible to accommodate?

I don't get this.

Our family dinners change timing all the time because family members (usually babies or the very elderly) needs have to be taken into consideration.

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