To expect family to fit around dd

[mumaa]

MIL likes to get the family together round the table for a meal, which I am all for, only thing is, it's always at a time close to DD's bedtime.

We have suggested that perhaps we could come round for lunch instead, so that we can all eat together and our time isn't limited but she seems uninterested in entertaining this idea.

Instead, she will arrange for dinner, and perhaps have it 2 hours before dd is due to go to bed, so we attend and then when we are heading off she says 'oh, are you leaving already?' Am I being unreasonable to think that moving get togethers to an earlier time of day would be more convenient for us but also allow her and other family members to spend more time with dd?

gwendoline completely right! they are all so different... However my MIL also claims that bedtime problems are rubbish and that both of her children slept through the night from the moment they arrived

I think you should stick to what is best for your family. All children adjust differently.
For eg. my DS who is nearly 4 isn't tired until at least 8pm and is very flexible with bedtime. If visiting family late, I take his bedtime stuff with us, change him there and he will fall asleep on the settee or sleep in the car, sometimes that's at 10pm and he's fine with that.
Sometimes we don't eat until 7pm, especially after nursery when he gets picked up at 6pm twice a week. That also works. But this is because he's had to adjust since me and his dad split up when he was 13m old and he goes everywhere at anytime.
When he starts school next year we will obviously have to do more of a routine but then will have to see how it goes.

On the other side... My friends DD had a strict bedtime routine and when we went to a mutual friends wedding reception, she was having a proper tantrum around 8pm as that's usually her bedtime and couldn't adjust to it asking for her bedtime milk, whereas my DS was wide awake dancing.
They have since tried to be more relaxed with things.
Life doesn't always revolve around your children.

'not understanding worshipping at the altar of routine' and your suggesting she can just be put in a bedroom when you socialise indicates you must have had a pretty reasonable sleeper.

I don't know the OP's baby but I know with mine (13mo) that would just not be feasible. Apart from a lack of cot, bedtimes are not just a case of giving the baby a quiet place to zonk out. In a strange place he could be up and screaming for 5+ hours. It is far, far better for everyone if the one year old gets their usual bed at the usual bedtime. Different babies have differet needs.

OP, if your DH was a good sleeper as a baby MIL may simply not have a clue what it can be like trying to get a one year old to sleep and how important it is (for SOME babies) to have familiarity and routine. My PIL didn't get it until we did have to keep him up when they stayed with us - they witnessed the screaming meltdowns for themselves and we just kept repeating the message that late bedtimes are no good for their DGS.

I would just keep saying bye at your usual time. As an earlier poster says, she does not get to dictate how late you stay. No host ever does, child or no child. If the pattern of an early departure keeps happening and it bothers her, she can move the dinner to slightly earlier. Keep explaining your reasoning (especially adding in that you love these dinner and enjoy spending time with the family and really like that DD is involved etc) but that at her young age she needs to be in bed by a certain time. You wish DD were more flexible, like some babies are, but sadly she isn't.

Thanks candy when she was smaller we used to put her for a little nap in the bedroom in her buggy as that fits in there, but now she is bigger there is just no way she would be out of the action, she would be too interested in what was going on in the next room :)

I think the person who cooks and hosts gets to decide the time of the meal. Sorry.

I also think you are on very shaky ground if you start deciding what another person should do to demonstrate their affection for your dd. Maybe your MiL thinks that hosting a dinner for 5-7 people once a month is showing affection (I know I would) and it's not like she's making it 8.30pm so you can't attend at all.

Posted before it was supposed to
However, at the moment if going home early and getting your child into bed is what works for you then stick to your guns on this matter. What works for one family doesn't work for another.

She's hosting dinner at 5 - not 10! She wants you there for 4 so arrive at 4, then leave right after dinner.

Don't start dictating what they can do when they invite you somewhere, and claiming that if they don't abide by your rules, they don't care for your daughter.

Definitely a case of PFB here, it sounds!

Thanks sparkle and learn
My friends baby is just a few days older than our dd and she is lots more flexible as she has nursery some days, is looked after a grandparent in other days and is with them on other days so timings are different etc.

At present it just doesn't work for our dd and we don't mind that, we know where we are and we know what works. It's just frustrating being ignored... Perhaps you are right she is unaware as didn't have these issues. Our dd had colic for first 4 months which both DH and I found very distressing (as I imagine most parents would). MIL told me that DH had colic and would cry from 6pm to 10pm she told me she just put him in his pram in the hall and left him to it as there's nothing you can do

There was not much we managed to do that made our DD's colic any better but we each held her and tried to assure her we were there and trying to make it better. I think at times she feels we fuss over our DD but the way we see it is we chose to have her and at the moment we will fit around her and what is best for her. Things will change as she gets older or would be more flexible if she didn't need routine but having this routine work so why change it?

When she says "are you leaving already?" I would say calmly "yes it's dd's bedtime, that's why we always suggest lunch" and leave it at that.

just dont go if it doesnt suit or get you dd ready for bed before you go out and then she can go to sleep in the car home it is only once a month and is it really so far away from her bedtime, does she have a pushchair she can nap in while you eat,

barbarian and kinky to be clear, i am dictating but suggesting an alternative! I have also suggested we go out so no one has to cook/clean or that they come to our house where dd could go for a snooze if she needed or has toys, etc to entertain her.

The dinners are something that took place before our dd arrived so time, etc has never been an issue, it's only that we now have a small person who's bedtime is a big deal that it is an issue, it's not something she has started doing since dd arrived. Hosting dinner is a very kind thing to do and not something we expect or do not appreciate, like I say, many alternatives have been suggested. It seems more that there is no interest in compromise to find something that might fit all involved.

Should have said I am not dictating

Would MIL agree to "high tea"? My oldest has always been super adaptable and he'd sleep anywhere (blanket on the floor, buggy in the bathroom...). My younger one, and his cousin (DB's son) not so much. So we go to my Mum's at 4. The kids play. Then we have sarnies, cake, biscuits, which will do for the kids supper. Leave by 6.30 for bath and bed at home.

How would you handle this if it were your mum instead of your MIL?

The "oh you're leaving already" thing is bloody irritating, we get it too sometimes. Try to ignore. The baby will grow and later visits will become viable. My grandmother always says "why don't you visit me ever?" As soon as we walk in the door! For various reasons our previously regular visits have become far less frequent, these comments don't help".

But why do they have to be the ones who 'compromise'? What's wrong with the way things work now, with you leaving when you need to leave?

Thanks mrsjay she won't sleep in her buggy when there are lots of people she is keen to see around, who can blame her! no one wants to miss out :)

bonzo thanks the 4pm arrival is the earliest I have managed to get and then we leave 6/6.30 but she wants to do the while dinner thing, again, I'm fine with this if it weren't for the comments, just annoying. Will just have to try to ignore like you say...

To answer your question about what I'd do if it was my mum, it's difficult because this wouldn't happen with my mum, maybe this is why I have a different expectation... My mum would ask what time is best for the little one and fit in around her, my mum is obsessed with dd and is always really keen to spend lots of time with her when she can, so perhaps I am expecting this from the other side and maybe I shouldn't. If my mum did suggested a time for dinner and I said well, how about lunch, that way we won't be rushing off, she would probably say 'oh, that's a good idea' so not really a comparable is suppose...

What about putting her down to sleep at your MIL's house? We used to do that on the rare occasion we were late and then transfer them over to the car when we were leaving.

I think YABU by your attitude. There is no problem here. YOu get invited , you go, you leave? Just because she says 'oh you going' every time you go doesn't mean you have to get upset by it. its just a phrase.You said sil isn't always there, mil doesn't mind that?
I think that if your dd can't be flexible (noting wrong with that btw) then you do what you need. She isn't ignoring your request for lunch, she doesn't want to do it!!
Comparing her dcs and your dcs sounds really childish and as for thinking shes weird leaving DH in his pram with colic that may have been the way of the time not cruelty!!!
Lighten up -either go and enjoy someone cooking a lovely meal for you all to spend time together or stamp your feet and don't - as for getting a babysitter how dare someone suggest you abandon you pfb so they can enjoy your company longer!!! You forget that mil has been parent and as us oldies realise there is more to life than babies even if you decided to have her, they are trying to be helpful.
I'd say stop making a problem where their isn't onexx

kinky we have been doing what we've been doing for a year now, I don't mind, I honestly don't. What I DO mind are the 'oh, you're leaving already' comments. If she wants to see more of us, then why can't we have it at an earlier time? We've done it this way for a year, would it be a massive compromise if it was changed for one time or another?

ever I don't feel that leaving to get my baby to her bed on time is being awkward and I don't feel merely suggesting an alternative is being awkward. I don't adjust DD's bedtime for my family either!

Kinky it is either one or the other, if her MIL keeps making comments about them leaving early without offering to change the time I can see it would be really annoying. If her MIL doesn't want to change the time, that is OK but then she should stop making the comments.

I have had a similar issue, we had twins and my MIL wanted everyone, including the children, to sit down and have a lovely meal together. Which is nice, but then the meal would get later and later and DH and I would both have to manage upset babies so we didn't have a good time. We would have been happy to have either an earlier meal with the children or a later meal without the children (upstairs in bed) but time just got stretched out so it was neither one nor the other. It is fine now as the children are older but we don't keep them up too late as they get too tired.

I wouldn't say I want and get my own way, suggesting an alternative I don't think is the crime of the century. Or a foot stamping exercise!!

It's once a month!

Apart from anything else, she'll be a different person in a months time- they change and develop very quickly at this age. So for all you know, she'll be a night owl by next month!

So suggest to her that you'll come by earlier, so you'll get more time before eating, but still be leaving after the meal.