Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect family to fit around dd

135 replies

mumaa · 25/09/2013 12:06

MIL likes to get the family together round the table for a meal, which I am all for, only thing is, it's always at a time close to DD's bedtime.

We have suggested that perhaps we could come round for lunch instead, so that we can all eat together and our time isn't limited but she seems uninterested in entertaining this idea.

Instead, she will arrange for dinner, and perhaps have it 2 hours before dd is due to go to bed, so we attend and then when we are heading off she says 'oh, are you leaving already?' Am I being unreasonable to think that moving get togethers to an earlier time of day would be more convenient for us but also allow her and other family members to spend more time with dd?

OP posts:
Original poster
mumaa · 25/09/2013 14:31

Thanks scrounger

OP posts:
IsabelleRinging · 25/09/2013 14:32

I think it's a real shame that you can't be flexible enough to share an evening with your family.

We used to just let dd sleep in her pushchair when she got tired.

Once a month is very little.

Original poster
mumaa · 25/09/2013 14:32

kinky have tried this one too, said she'd be busy cooking I said I would come and help her and she said "no! it's ok! just come at 4" so that was why I suggested lunch. An alternative obviously doesn't suit her, I'll just become slightly deaf when it's time to leave!

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 25/09/2013 14:33

Trust me, I get it.

I have a DC with ADHD and autism. On the rare occasion we have a family meal out, we really need to be done and dusted and out within the hour or it descends into utter chaos. So, after the hour, we leave! I wouldn't dare suggest that everyone else has to leave at the same time to accommodate our needs.
On the occasion that the times have conflicted with my DCs needs/abilities, we decline the invite.

DidoTheDodo · 25/09/2013 14:33

Also, I am a gran and sometimes I like to spend time with my offspring without their children. Shock, horror, I know, but it is likely that even her grandparents don't find your daughter as endlessly fascinating as you do.

fenix · 25/09/2013 14:40

YABU. Attending a family dinner once a month takes up 3 per cent of your evenings. Dinner at 5pm is also very early by most people's standards.

I find there is a lot of complaining about not having family or community support, and attitudes like yours, in my view, are a significant contributor to this phenomenon.

If it were important enough to you, this wouldn't even be an issue for you, or you'd find a way to make it work.

It's a bit rich to cast aspersions on their interest in your child, when you're making minimal effort to fit in with a nice family dinner only twelve times a year.

If the slight inconvenience to you is more pressing than a dinner that's fairly important for the rest of the family, then do whatever you want, and own that decision. Just don't be surprised if this attitude is reciprocated down the line in a way that you don't like.

Alternatively, use the suggestions here to find some middle ground where you both host dinners your own way, or find other ways of spending time together.

Original poster
mumaa · 25/09/2013 14:43

dido totally get it! and it's nice to spend an evening out getting cooked for and catching up is a treat, but when family gathering is only time they see dd I would think they'd want to see dd another time and then spend an adult evening together, like I have said, perhaps my expectations are wrong as this is based on what my own family does with dd.

kinky I would never suggest other people leave when we do, like I say, I have no problem with what we do, it's the comments that irk me, there is an undertone of 'oh, is that it? Do you not want to stay' so I have merely suggested a way we can spend longer there.

I thought what I had suggested sounded fair, you want to see more of us, let's do this at another time when we're not having to rush off.

OP posts:
everlong · 25/09/2013 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mumaa · 25/09/2013 14:48

fenix the family dinners have always been at 5pm and have not been adjusted to fit my dd. I have suggested countless alternatives, offers to come to our house, etc. none of which have been taken up.

I don't think I am making minimal effort, I am interested in my dd getting to know all of her family, I make the effort and suggest umpteen play dates and catch ups, generally I am told by mil that she is busy. I will go out of my way to pop into her place of work just to say hi so that she can see dd as she is so busy and I regularly, almost daily send her photos by email saying 'look gran I'm at the park' etc, I don't think it's fair to say I make minimal effort when I am only suggesting a change of time so that we dont get made to feel we are running out for leaving at bedtime.

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 25/09/2013 14:49

This is a short term problem. It will be over in six months. I would turn up a bit early, be nice, leave on time with a big smile saying, yes, I know, won't it be great when she's a bit older and we can stay later, lovely to see you all, bye then.

And be open to the signs that she is growing up and you can afford to be more flexible with her routine. I know it's unfair- achieving that routine can feel such a big milestone from out of the early chaos of parenting. But it is actually important for really quite a short time, and soon you have to move on. Again. And again.....

Original poster
mumaa · 25/09/2013 14:51

ever only explaining my point of view.

It's not about getting my own way, it's a discussion

OP posts:
Sundayinthemaghreb · 25/09/2013 14:53

We used to regularly take our LOs to their grandparents for dinner, then give them a bath and put them in PJs there and let them fall asleep on the way home. It worked really well - they loved "Granny baths" and "car bedtimes", and GPs liked seeing them splash and reading them a bedtime story.

minidipper · 25/09/2013 14:55

Some DC really need routine. Ours did. I remember my sis being incredibly Hmm about us sticking so rigidly to their routine, but if we didn't it was so miserable and there was no way anyone could relax and enjoy a meal when they were tired and fractious. They grow out of it, and when they do, DC can join in those family meals. Until then, stick to your guns and let the relatives Hmm.

ButterMyArse · 25/09/2013 14:56

Totally get you. And at the suggestions of 'just let her sleep in her pushchair/in MIL's bed'. That NEVER worked for us. Ever since she was little DD would not sleep in her pushchair or at a strange house. Unfortunately it's meant our routine has been pretty rigid but for the sake of getting a good night's sleep and maintaining sanity that's what we've had to do and most people are really understanding.

Sirzy · 25/09/2013 14:57

I don't think having a meal time of 5pm is unreasonable at all. If they had been wanting to eat at 7pm I could see the issue but not with 5pm. Just ignore the comments as you leave.

Personally I don't like eating a big meal at dinnertime as it throws my eating for the rest of the day so I can see why others weren't keen on moving it to then.

everlong · 25/09/2013 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindor · 25/09/2013 15:02

I don't think you are being unreasonable for wanting to change the arrangement, and I don't think you are foot stamping or being selfish.

We didn't do this when DD was little because when kept out that late, she'd fall asleep on the way home and then be awake till midnight.

And then be grumpy the next day.

At the same time, I don't think you will get MIL to change her mind, and once a month isn't too often.

Either suck it up and ignore the comments, or start skipping a month.

everlong · 25/09/2013 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mumaa · 25/09/2013 15:06

Will continue as we have done for a year and am sure in another year things will change, has been interesting however to get points of view on it.

Like I say, happy to go and leave when we do currently. It's the comments that have made me suggest alternatives

OP posts:
MmeLindor · 25/09/2013 15:13

Test them. Stay a while longer and see how it is.

Then if it is a nightmare to get your DD to bed, you have an excuse for the next time. And if she still says 'going already' when you leave at 8.30pm, then you will know to ignore.

Everlong
I hate the once-a-month family dinners thing. It would make me cranky. We are quite spontaneous - sometimes I will phone mum and ask them along for dinner that evening, but we don't have set dates and times.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 25/09/2013 15:20

I think you need to do what is best for your DC. My MIL came to visit recently and had a huge go at me about keeping my DD to a routine (even though it was DH and I, actually!). This was until the afternoon she looked after her, and was delighted that she'd got a 2 hour 'break' as DD was nicely asleep. Sometimes people just don't realise the impact this kind of thing can have on a child's sleep.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 25/09/2013 15:26

I can understand the frustration of this. Do you think that some of the issue is that your DMiL sees this meal as being her 'thing'? It's her routine, hosted by her, in her home. Any change to it then stops it from being her 'thing'.

If this is the case then you are unlikely to be able to change it. All you can do is ignore the comments and just dont go if it doesnt work for you.

SoonToBeSix · 25/09/2013 15:58

Could your Mil not buy a travel cot and you put your dd to bed in her house then lift her in car seat then into her own cot at home? You can even buy special baby sleeping bags that have holes for car seat straps. I think you are being a bit unreasonable but I have four children I think you learn to be more flexible the more dc you have.

ZingWantsCake · 25/09/2013 16:03

Lindor

I know what you mean!
a tired baby screaming through the whole dinner to show everyone once why exactly OP needs to leave at a reasonable time is such a tempting thing to do - but I think it is not fair on the child to be used as a "weapon" (of mass destructionGrin )!

I'd be itching to do it though.

Shamoy · 25/09/2013 16:14

Have an answer prepared for next time she says the 'leaving already?' Thing
Respond with something like 'yes, I wish we could stay longer too. How about lunch next time so we can?' With a big smile (and preferably in ear shot of the rest of the family too)
Then say it every time she says 'leaving already?'