To expect family to fit around dd

[mumaa]

MIL likes to get the family together round the table for a meal, which I am all for, only thing is, it's always at a time close to DD's bedtime.

We have suggested that perhaps we could come round for lunch instead, so that we can all eat together and our time isn't limited but she seems uninterested in entertaining this idea.

Instead, she will arrange for dinner, and perhaps have it 2 hours before dd is due to go to bed, so we attend and then when we are heading off she says 'oh, are you leaving already?' Am I being unreasonable to think that moving get togethers to an earlier time of day would be more convenient for us but also allow her and other family members to spend more time with dd?

Could you try to shift bed time by 45 mins to hour? Would it really be that bad? I do think you are being a bit rigid given it's only once a month.

YANBU.

Can you let your DH handle the comments?

candy

we are talking about a very small child.
they can be rigid, yes.
what with needing stuff like food and sleep on time - so inconsiderate of them!

Zing
I am ruthless. I would do it. Just once.

Candy
Why should OP change her DD's routine to suit a once a month meeting? That seems a bit extreme?

I recall the weeks after the clocks go forward/backward as being miserable when my DC were babies. It takes ages to get them used to it.

Zing I meant the OP is being rigid, not the baby with not considering other options. Up thread, I suggested other options such as; going earlier or just letting the comments wash over her. Other suggestions have been made but ignored. I don't think the OP is BU at all but if the comments do really bother her, she might try thinking outside the box.

if your child must eat special food at special times it can be most troubling for many others

So your MIL hosts a big family dinner once a month which starts at 5pm. You are able to go from 4-6ish, but have to leave a bit early because you don't want to disrupt your dd's routine. I don't really get the problem?

You've obviously suggested alternatives but your MIL isn't keen. Fair enough - her dinner party, her decision. She presumably thinks you're being a bit pfb for being a slave to your dd's routine, hence the comments when you're leaving, but you're the parents and you know what is best for your own child, so just don't let it bother you!

Ooh mmelindor I completely forgot about the clocks changing! routine was still a bit hit and miss back in spring so we were still a bit all over the place anyway! perhaps clocks changing will solve everything haha

worrysigh I think you have probably hit the nail on the head! she sees this as 'her thing' and probably thinks I am some interfering DIL trying yo change it (even though DH makes these suggestions too). It seemed a reasonable idea to me, you want to see more of us so we'll come earlier so we don't have the grouch to deal with but perhaps she sees it as me trying to take over...

We could change her bedtime, I would just rather not and DH is firmly against it. We don't do it for any other occasion, other than when we were 'on holiday' went away for 2 nights, all seemed well but then we had he'll to pay on night 3. DD was going to bed later but still up at same time, I think being away and entertained perhaps helped her to be fine with it at first but then it hit home.

Think you are definitely on to something with this being 'her thing'

jinsei you are entirely right, the comments only bother me as they are accompanied by other comments about how we are bringing her up, what we feed her, etc! which comes with the territory.

I think the response to all should be just to smile, then I can't get in trouble!

I completely understand this. Ds is 2 and still can't just be sent up to bed and transferred later. We get tears, being grumpy and being up until midnight.

My mil got the hint after we started getting a babysitter for him and attending the family meal without him. We then offered (again) to go earlier with him or for them to come to us for family dinner.

They also don't tend to want to eat out with us as much anymore. Ds can sit for so long, but I refuse to have a long drawn out meal and let him run around. This was sorted after she emotionally blackmailed us into taking him to a meal and dh and I purposely sat at the wall side (couldn't get out) and placed him between his grandparents

So I think you are not being unreasonable at all.

curiosity that sounds very unpleasant! though you do have me thinking about future seating arrangements

I do understand what it's like, DS would't cope with changes in his routine, and it would mean 2-3 nights of hell for all of us at that age.

Anyway, my suggestion is to invite PIL and GPIL to you for lunch a couple of times, if they decline, fine, but then don't feel bad if you decline MIL's "event dinners". If it doesn't suit your family, you don't have to go. If she wants to see DD, she'll come to you when you invite her or she'll make it more family friendly times. It's her choice to put meals on at those times, it's your choice if you go or not - and her making comments will mean you won't enjoy it as you'll be waiting for the digs at your parenting at the end of the dinner - hardly relaxing knowing you're waiting for the comments and having to plan how you are going to answer the inevitable insult.

I spent a couple of years of accepting MIL's determination that a sunday lunch should be served at 3pm - which was far too late to be DS's lunch so I'd have to feed him before we went to stop a hungry melt down, meaning he was too full to eat anything, and then it was too early to count as his tea/dinner, it's a crap time for a meal for a toddler, dealing with trying to keep a toddler who isn't hungry still at the table for this 3 course fabulous meal and having a reputation of having a 'poor eater' with no table manners for a child.

Then my 'hard work' SIL had a baby, once DN was weaned, she just declined invites for a 3pm lunch. Suddenly, MIL was able to do a Sunday lunch on the table at 12:30. And was shocked that my DS could eat so much and sit so nicely and behave himself.

Basically, if you 'fit round them' people like your MIL will always stick to their routine. When it comes down to it, when they meet someone like my SIL who won't fit round them and will just not go, they have to make a choice - a meal at a time that suits their guests or no guests. I really wish I'd said something to MIL earlier or also refused invites for Sunday lunch.

Personally I think it's a sign of a bad host if they put their needs above that of their guests, from what you've said the only one of the people at the dinner who wants to have it at this time is your MIL, as the host it's her choice, but as a guest it's your choice if you go. Just don't bother if she's going to be making shitty comments. See what happens.

Please excuse my spelling

My mil is normally lovely, but dh and I want to be able to talk to the people we are meeting and enjoy the food (especially as it's always someplace nice).

oh yes, my MIL is lovely too, which is why I put up with stupidly timed meals for so long. No more, I've even got in first and invited them to us at Christmas. I shall wait until closer to the date to inform them I'll be serving it at 1pm at the latest.

Yes, of course, OP, lunch would be eminently more sensible with a baby in tow! Your MIL is not very helpful.

"depends in sil plans"
Does that mean she doesn't always go???

Hmm dontmind very interesting indeed and thistlelicker totally right SIL doesn't always go as it is, will be interesting if she has DC to see what happens here...

DH often says to me 'don't go!' As he is at work until he come to pick us up but I want to make the effort and minor irritations aside they are all nice people and sometimes I think MIL speak with good intentions but it comes over a bit brisk, or at least I hope.

Perhaps a couple of invites to lunch rather than suggesting that's what we all do is the way forward... Though I'll be sure not to pick a Sunday incase she feels I am trying to take over!!

Exactly right though, you know when suits your DC best and clearly having lunch at a reasonable time made it better for everyone... I know the world doesn't stop when you have a baby, there are just ways of making get togethers more pleasant and I think timing is a big one!

Thanks!!

YANBU

DS (now nearly two) has been exactly the same and on the odd occasion we have kept him up late for family/friend dos it has been a nightmare and I personally do not feel it is worth it for what will be a short space of time. We do however often get him bathed and in PJs then into the car for 7pm and into his bed when we get home or we put him in a travel cot for the evening if we are not too far away. He sleeps ok in the car, wakes when he gets home (does not transfer asleep - Never has!) but then settles himself ok when he's in bed.

It might be worth trying over the next few times if you do want to stay later. However, if you do not want to stay later then just don't let the comments bother you. Smile and nod and do what you want to do.

This would drive me crackers. Part of the problem would be people who do things at child unfriendly times being put out when those children are less than impeccably behaved.

I'm truly amazed that there are babies you can just pop into a stroller and they'll drift off. How wonderful. We spent up to forty minutes a night rocking our refluxy DS, either in the stroller or doing a mad aerobics dance with him in the carrier.

He is still a ball of fury if he misses his sleep deadline, and begs for "nap time" or "sleepy time" when he's had enough. A recent night flight demonstrated perfectly well that he STILL can't drift off to sleep when surrounded by a lot of stimulation (lights off! he yelled).

Me? I sleep in earplugs, with an eye mask, and blackout blinds. Our personalities are identical: sunbeams and fairies on sufficient sleep; Roy Keane and black clouds without.

Oh stopgap, ds would sleep in his buggy, but after 6months old, that was only if the buggy was moving. Fine for lunchtime nap for him and shopping for me, but in the evening it was rather antisocial that either dh or I would have to be pushing him round our hosts' garden if we wanted to stay late anywhere...

Ime people who don't have a baby who can sleep anywhere don't get that some dcs can't just drop off, it's not that the parents haven't tried it, it just doesnt work for some. Mind you, I've had people tell me I will sleep on a long haul flight because everyone does on a night flight, no I know I can't sleep if I'm not lying down (and can't afford first class), so I won't (and i didnt). Some people really struggle to accept that not everyone sleeps the same, be it children or adults.

YANBU but I also think 2 hours is enough for a family gathering anyway (curmudgeon that I am). I would ignore the plantative "going already" and just give a cheerful, "yep! Thanks for having us, lovely time, byeee!"

Could you host one month? You could do lunch. :)

So true, everyone is different, big people and small.

We know what works for DD, while I appreciate GPs have obviously all been there, every child is different and often things look better looking back at them than living it. Except for great grandmother in law who tells me "ooh, DD2 never slept, never, it's just as well she was the second cos if she was the first, she'd still have been the last one we had" hee hee

I've always been strict about bedtimes but will relax every so often if it involves other people. I'll put children to bed at someone else's house, enjoy the evening, then scoop children up, put them in car and drive home. They stir for a minute, then drop back to sleep again. Could you do something similar? Otherwise, there's little opportunity for flexibility.

ilovecolinfirth not really an option as MIL has 1 bed flat, so lots of noise would carry and nowhere for DD to snooze, buggy would fit but she won't sleep in that unless on the move