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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect family to fit around dd

135 replies

mumaa · 25/09/2013 12:06

MIL likes to get the family together round the table for a meal, which I am all for, only thing is, it's always at a time close to DD's bedtime.

We have suggested that perhaps we could come round for lunch instead, so that we can all eat together and our time isn't limited but she seems uninterested in entertaining this idea.

Instead, she will arrange for dinner, and perhaps have it 2 hours before dd is due to go to bed, so we attend and then when we are heading off she says 'oh, are you leaving already?' Am I being unreasonable to think that moving get togethers to an earlier time of day would be more convenient for us but also allow her and other family members to spend more time with dd?

OP posts:
MrsDibble · 25/09/2013 13:05

I think that once a month sounds quite often to expect the whole family to get together. I can't imagine if my parents or in-laws expected such a frequent commitment.

Definitely don't feel you have to go as often as that - just go when it is an occasion or when you want to. They can't force you to go.

5pm itself seems ridiculously early for a dinner, so I think you are sensible to suggest a lunch if you don't want daughter to stay up late. Or you could just arrange to see them separately during the daytime?

While your daughter is little you have to do what works for your family for the most part. It's not going to last for ever and soon she will be able to have dinner in the evening once in a while with no ill effects.

I think it's quite good to encourage children to be a bit flexible about their timings unless you find that really doesn't work for you.

I think it's the level of commitment to family dinners that they want from you that seems baffling.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 25/09/2013 13:08

"I always found that babies were far more adaptable than slightly older children. "

I've always found the precise opposite.

IME 1 year olds are the very least adaptable when it comes to bedtimes.

ZingWantsCake · 25/09/2013 13:10

YANBU.

your child your choice.

I'd not go or do as what you've been doing and leave early.

and as for comments, just point at your DD and say: "sorry, she is up early as she has an early meeting with a client!" and smile.

humour is a great weapon, use it.Wink

Beastofburden · 25/09/2013 13:13

join- what I was trying to say is that there are lots of people to take into account, so letting the baby dominate is U. If lots of people would rather have lunch, that's different. If seven people want dinner rather than lunch for good reasons, and the baby says no- then it would be U to have lunch.

Cuddlydragon · 25/09/2013 13:18

My MIL does this a lot. My DS is about the same age and his routine is set in stone but its led by him, he doesn't enjoy himself much if he's tired. We just say no now if it doesn't suit DS.

Original poster
mumaa · 25/09/2013 13:18

Thanks all, I don't really have the option to put her down for a snooze as my mil has 1 bed flat and nowhere for her to sleep, travel cot wouldn't fit and is too little to leave in the bed just now... Actually I very much doubt she would sleep with people chatting just along the hall.

I appreciate all the feedback, I am not inflexible but I must say, as she refuses to move on this I am digging my heels in. Would it be so bad to compromise, we could do lunch one month and then dinner the next. The last few times we have been invited to dinner we have been asked to get a babysitter, which I find odd coming from a grandparent.

All children are different, I am the one who has to deal with the little one, not her, like I've said, once in a while I don't mind but I don't adjust her routine for anyone else so don't feel why I should do it here. I am completely flexible on daytime routine, happy to go out and she can sleep in buggy/car but for us bedtime is a different thing. It's just what works for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumaa · 25/09/2013 13:25

Thanks, good to know also am not the only one who experiences is.

Looks like I need some good one liners to be armed with!!

The thing that irritates my OH is that he knows his grandparents (who also attend) like to be home early, if we ever arrange to see them, they always suggest lunch. But they just go with what MIL suggests as she is hosting, so naturally, her house, her choice on timing, etc.

We recently went out to dinner for my OHs grandfathers bday. MIL sent us details and asked if we could get a babysitter. OH text back to say wouldn't grandad prefer lunch and we could bring DD. She responded saying "he is fine for family dinner"

OP posts:
boschy · 25/09/2013 13:29

we had a useful phrase with DD1 "this baby has reached her sell-by date"! so if it was time, we upped and went. could you try that?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 25/09/2013 13:31

beast - in that case I'm going to complain about having to have lunch at 2.30 (half bloody two! Shock) because of my Granny's Mass habits :o

I thought being really old or young gave you a right to make everyone do your bidding.

stowsettler · 25/09/2013 13:35

stopgap hits the nail on the head.
DD, 7mo, would never cope with being up later than usual. As an example we were at a family party recently and I thought, "well, she can stay up half an hour later so everyone can meet her" (it was the first time she'd met some people). 10 minutes after her usual bedtime we had meltdown. Luckily we were staying there but it was a stark reminder that her bedtime really can't be easily rearranged yet.

Beastofburden · 25/09/2013 13:35

join oh no!! I was hoping that it was when you were really old! I have been so looking forward to being highmaintenance

justmyview · 25/09/2013 13:36

I think YABitU to expect other people to vary their schedule for the day to accommodate your DD, but you should leave when you have to leave

Original poster
mumaa · 25/09/2013 13:36

We could try saying something like that but she already knows what time dd goes to bed and we usually just say "right, come on, bath time for you miss" she knows what time we leave but still seems surprised.

Haha join - the old and the young are def in charge

OP posts:
wispawoman · 25/09/2013 13:37

'This woman...'

MrsDibble · 25/09/2013 13:39

I think everyone is different about meal times.

My Dad, for instance, likes to have his Sunday lunch at about 3.30 at the earliest, which is just completely mad with kids. He also moans if you try to have dinner on other days earlier than about 7/7.30 when staying with them, but luckily my Mum does see that this is far too late for a child, and we have had to compromise at 6.30 (I normally give my dd dinner at 6).

On the other hand, I would find it really hard to be ready for a roast lunch at 1 pm which I know a lot of people favour on a Sunday - I think about 2 - 2.30 is right for this although I would have lunch at 1 every other day.

So what I am saying is everyone has her own ideas and Granny's 2.30 lunch might be normal for some, all wrong for others.

I think OP's MIL needs to understand that too.

oscarwilde · 25/09/2013 13:40

Why don't you host a lunch? A nice early one, with lots of lazy afternoon socialising or a walk after DS's nap? The grandparents will be pleased and with any luck MIL will take the hint.
If OH can't go, I'd refuse.

BrokenSunglasses · 25/09/2013 13:40

I don't see the problem. Just continue to leave early like you already do, or decline the invitation in the first place.

Original poster
mumaa · 25/09/2013 13:41

stowsettler and stopgap exactly!

We went to a wedding reception where there was a baby there and she was up until about midnight think baby was around 10 months, this is just the type of person the little one is, quite happy and flexible.

Our DD isn't like that, until she was 10 months old she wouldn't nap for longer than 30 mins at a time, would still be exhausted but would just refuse and cry. Once we established a bedtime routine we wanted to stick to it, now and again is alright but it's generally not worth messing with. Am sure this will change with age.

OP posts:
stowsettler · 25/09/2013 13:43

Yes yes yes mumaa, DD is just the same, never naps in the day and therefore bedtime is pretty much set in stone at the moment.

TBH I like it like that - means I know that my evenings are my own!

fishandmonkey · 25/09/2013 13:44

she sounds like she's used to calling the shots and her "are you leaving already" comments are very passive aggressive. ignore them - her problem.
yanbu to expect people to fit around your baby's sleeping. how would mil like it if you invited her for breakfast at 6am on a sunday?

Original poster
mumaa · 25/09/2013 13:48

stowsettler so true!! Is good to know you can have your evening! Well, most of the time :) Sure it will change so making the most of it.

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 25/09/2013 13:49

Don't go or leave when you have to leave and ignore all comments. DD1 doesn't care what time she goes to bed, never has. But DD2 (20m) needs to be in bed by 7 or she's inconsolable. Doesn't matter how rare the occasion, she needs to be down by then. Children are different.

Original poster
mumaa · 25/09/2013 13:51

fishandmonkey that is a fantastic idea! 6am Sunday breakfast invite may be getting put together haha love that!

I'm not expected her to change her WHOLE life, just join us for a meal that doesn't interfere with bedtime so that she can spend more time with DD thought she'd be keen, you have hit the nail on the head, VERY used to calling the shots!

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 25/09/2013 13:53

I'd just not go to be honest.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 25/09/2013 13:54

Can she not sleep in her pram in MIL's bedroom, or is it too small? Maybe you can be slightly flexible and make bedtime half an hour or so later and I agree with the PP who said go earlier so DD can see her family. Also, don't let MIL guilt trip you, if you're leaving, you're leaving.