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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why some peoples response is always LTB

294 replies

anon2013 · 23/09/2013 12:06

I've noticed over many threads that people say "if it was my DH" all the time and LTB go hand in hand. I've seen people ask for advice today on here and they just get torn to pieces and it's worse if the OP is male.

AIBU to wonder why this is always the case?. If everyone took the advice they got on here sometimes nobody would ever salvage a relationship Confused

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 23/09/2013 18:12

Read the second half of motherinferior's post again.

motherinferior · 23/09/2013 18:12

I'm not sure if it is. It's trotted out every time some bloke is recorded as doing something appalling. It is the kneejerk response.

AnyFucker · 23/09/2013 18:12

It's only a reasonable question if you consider depression to be a Get Out clause for treating somebody badly.

TheBigJessie · 23/09/2013 18:13

Yes, Asperger's over the internet as an excuse...

Now, I'm going to declare a bias here. My marriage does have a man with an actual statement of AS in it. And we both find the way people use AS as an possible explanation on here simultaneously offensive and baffling.

And as for the way some people excuse neurotypical men's inability to look after themselves or their children, yet hold down a full-time job?

The issue isn't AS- it's that you have a bloke who thinks women clear up after men. Mine, on the other hand, is a feminist.

motherinferior · 23/09/2013 18:13

Also people who are depressed are also capable of being utter pains in the arse to those around them. I know. I've had depression. I am not in truth sure it excused me being a pain in the arse.

motherinferior · 23/09/2013 18:14

And don't get me started on the multiplicity of excuses made for blokes who are clearly utterly refusing to engage in any kind of housework whatsoever...

MadBusLady · 23/09/2013 18:17

Actually, this is a good example of why it's not helpful to discuss these things in the abstract. I'm sure if we had some contrasting threads in front of us you, Everlong, would easily pick up the difference between "bloke who has recently started behaving in a very out of character way and who hasn't done anything irreparably awful" and "bloke who has always been a total arsehole", even though both might exhibit moodiness and grumpiness.

FavoriteThings · 23/09/2013 18:20

bump

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 23/09/2013 18:20

Ah. I've been known to post about depression. Because depression is treatable and it's worth considering. Of course, if someone is behaving in an irritable and angry way because of depression and isn't willing to seek help for that, that's a big problem

MadBusLady · 23/09/2013 18:26

It gets worse than "fight for your marriage" too. I remember quite recently a poster reported her mother saying (of her husband who'd had an affair) "Sometimes you have to fight for your man." Sad This is what people in shit marriages are up against.

FavoriteThings · 23/09/2013 18:30

bump

AnyFucker · 23/09/2013 18:33

FT are you quite well ? Why are you repeatedly bumping a fast moving thread ?

AnyFucker · 23/09/2013 18:34

Yep, pitting women against each other in the "fight" for a man is dead useful, innit

TheOrcHeadKeeper · 23/09/2013 18:39

Having been a severely depressed adult myself and knowing how it affects my family I would actually completely understand if someone wanted to leave me on the grounds of 'living with a depressed person is hard work/just too much'. Not everyone can handle it & it can make you unbearable to be around.

If someone wasn't seeking help for it then I'd definitely say LTB though. There is no excuse for it if you're taking it all out on your partner but denying you're doing so/that there's a problem. If they're in denial then they may never sort it out which means they'll always be difficult and hard to be around. It's also very possible to be depressed and not a very nice person anyway, which just becomes magnified when they're depressed.

everlong · 23/09/2013 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBigJessie · 23/09/2013 19:47

MadBusLady I think it's a toss-up. "Fight for your man" is atrocious, but at least I can see where it comes from. Centuries and centuries of women being financially dependent on men, who found it mentally much more tolerable to share a home with their husbands, despite repeated betrayal, if they blamed the "temptress in the bar" and pretended their husbands couldn't help it.

However inadvisedly, you can fight with the mistress. But how do you fight for a marriage? Do you march up and down in the street with placards? "I don't want a divorce! What do we say? I don't want a divorce!"

Zoe678 · 23/09/2013 20:43

t#his isn't another pop at the OP, just general chat, but I am another that hates the "just sit down and talk" suggestions. Obviously people wouldn't be posting if their partners would listen to them, see their points of view, compromise, sacrifice.................. an entitled man doesn't want to relinquish his privileged position in a relationship. A lot of posters must be married to very reasonable men because it's like they don't get that

FavoriteThings · 23/09/2013 20:53

You fight for a marriage as in trying to work it out and work through the hard times if you can. Which is what most people do.

But it shouldnt mean that if you post about your relationship on MN, that there are some almost immediate responses of ltb, no matter how well meaning.

motherinferior · 23/09/2013 20:58

I think if you've somehow made 'the marriage' into a separate entity to fight for you've rather lost track of the essential point, which is can you face continuing to put up with this person....

TheBigJessie · 23/09/2013 21:06

When we discuss problems in order to work through them chez Jessie, we focus on our feelings as people. Not this strange edifice of The Marriage.

Fighting for the marriage sounds like sending irate ambassadors to the Vatican to ask for Papal recognition of a technical unlawful union, circa the 14-15 hundreds.

motherinferior · 23/09/2013 21:06

You don't have to continue with a relationship that is making you unhappy. Or bored. It is usually a good idea to have a bit of a think about the boredom, if you are active co-parents, but personally I would stop short of attempting to 'rediscover the spark' and similar suggestions which make me feel slightly ill....

Pagwatch · 23/09/2013 21:08

I think the 'just sit down and talk' thing sometimes is sensible advice.
People take position really quickly or allow the same issue to become a battleground again and again with neither party ever trying to discuss it outside the point of tension.

But I do read some threads on relationships and read women who are so used to being imposed upon that they can't even see that their partner is treating them badly.
When every attempt to reach a compromise results in nothing then the op sometimes can't see she is flogging a dead horse

TheBigJessie · 23/09/2013 21:10

And also, if reconciliation, etc is a "fight", the problems are probably more serious than you're consciously admitting.

everlong · 23/09/2013 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadBusLady · 23/09/2013 21:30

Everlong, you say that as if it's going to be some great revelation to us all. Let me be clear - we who are in relationships with reasonable men all do that. And as a result we don't, on the whole, need to post on the internet to ask advice about the problem. The people who do get to that stage have often tried and failed the talking things over approach.