To wonder why some peoples response is always LTB

[anon2013]

I've noticed over many threads that people say "if it was my DH" all the time and LTB go hand in hand. I've seen people ask for advice today on here and they just get torn to pieces and it's worse if the OP is male.

AIBU to wonder why this is always the case?. If everyone took the advice they got on here sometimes nobody would ever salvage a relationship

So on that thread, from your description, the OP had a moan, and most people (everybody except one, in fact) simply agreed that she was right and should pull him up on it. Assuming that she was not BU re the actual circumstances, which I don't know because I didn't read it, what is wrong with that? You seem to be implying that if someone is generally a good dad it means they should never be pulled up on anything.

And why are you looking in AIBU and using it to judge the Relationships board anyway? Somebody said about three pages ago that the AIBU advice can be a bit glib which is why people often suggest serious problems get moved to Relationships.

I feel like I'm repeating myself because I only said this in the last few days on a similar thread, but, mostly if people post in Relationships it''b becasue things are really, really bad.
Dh does things that irk me, of course he does, but I wouldn't bother posting in Relationships about it. And I think most people are intelligent enough to sort out minor niggles. Dh is bad at remembering birthdays, including mine and those of his own family. He now puts them on a calender on his phone after I sulked like a child.
Problem solved.
If, however, he was being abusive, name-calling, insisting on sex when I didn't want it, then I might post on Relationships.
I think if a poster starts a thread in Relationships, very often she's at the end of her tether. IME, it's rare for someone to post when she's living with a reasonable bloke.

Well, no indeed I didn't suggest that you had. I'm just saying that if this thread was mostly people saying "YANBU, how selfish, I would pull him up on that", then it sounds like there wasn't actually a huge problem with it. Because, as you and others keep pointing out, talking through problems and expressing any concerns is how most relationships are negotiated.

And you were right.

Women who come in for a moan about maybe their DH having a shower at his dc's bedtime. Immediately there are cries of ' selfish, I wouldn't put up with, don't stand for it ' etc but then it turns out that infact he's a really good hands on dad who normally helps out but on that occasion was a bit selfish. I'm quite surprised that nobody shouted LTB!

Erm, doh!

Of course nobody said LTB.
Even though you expected them to. why?

Because you are actually wrong in your view that people say LTB for things like the husband took a shower at DC's bed time.
(and if they did, it would have been jokingly)

The comments were of the sort it out before it becomes a habit.

I have.

Even if there was one person who said they wouldn't be in a relationship with such a selfish person (he may well be), the fact is that you went ahead and used that thread as an example, even though as far as you knew at the time nobody had said LTB.

And on that thread the OP said "Just getting annoyed with him doing this most nights, its not like he doesn't know what time the kids go to bed. "
Which would warrant the selfish comments.

Your example was not one of your "usual suspects".
And she quite rightly pointed out:
"Nor am I quite sure what the value is of a relationship where you feel more able to moan to complete strangers on mumsnet about this kind of annoying behaviour rather than addressing the issue with him. It's not like it's emotional or physical abuse, it's just unthoughtfulness and if he's a grownup it should go: "I'm having a shower"/"Please hold off for 10 minutes while I do the kids teeth"/"OK" or alternately "I'll need the bathroom for the kids bedtime in half an hour - can you make sure you're done with the shower by then". If these conversations can't happen, there is something much more seriously wrong than the timing of the kids bedtime."

Which is the usual stance in relationships.

I've also noticed that AF refrained from saying LTB on that thread.

What's up with you AF?????

I think it very much depends on your view of divorce/relationship breakdown. If you think that it's always a disaster and a failure leading to "broken families" then you'll probably have a different viewpoint than if you are of the opinion that some relationships are not worth saving.

That's not to say that divorce isn't always hard and challenging, and not to be entered into lightly, but in many relationships which have gone seriously wrong, getting out is the healthiest option IMHO. And that's what the LTB posters are pointing out - that women are not honour bound to stay and "fix things" if they are beyond fixing.

And I've just found the
"I wouldn't leave the bastard. Just point out what he's doing and get him more involved in bedtime."

Interesting that it's a pp who's only read the OP, missed all the updates including that the OP's dad had gone to hospital.
Still not an usual suspect.
And, obviously, a post that would be disregarded.

Why does it matter?

Internet advice to LTB is unlikely to cause relationship breakdown.

I was once given the advice when asking for advice when going through a rocky patch - it really helped. It made me realise that was where things were going. I felt empowered and we sorted things out.

I don't see why it is any more of a problem than advice to quit work that is making someone miserable or to move house if that is the problem.

Why should anyone tolerate infidelity, selfish or even small constant petty unpleasantness?

Not all of us we lucky enough to marry a good egg the first time. I believe I have, but people can change. If my husband ever started taking me for granted, putting me down, having intrigues with other women, or whatever, I'd leave him. Our daughter shouldn't grow up believing it's OK to put up with shit from a man. That is the last lesson I'd want her to learn, in fact.

The Relationships boards here have helped numerous women get away from cruel, vindictive men, and that is an excellent thing.

We're not ducks, we don't have to mate for life.

I mean disregard in the sense that the OP should't take is seriously, because it's obviously someone who hasn't given it much thought.

In any case, that OP didn't say LTB, but the opposite.
I think she means it literally, in the sense that she expected someone to have said LTB. Not that she thought leaving the bastard was an option.

Everlong, I think you are taking the sentences out of context.
As I pointed out.

The OP did say he kept doing the same thing every night, to which the pp said he was selfish, then the OP said he was a hands on dad.

And I didn't say you ignored the father in hospital, the pp you mentioned did.

And, going back to the OP about some people always saying LTB, none of those was AF, or any regular pp from Relationships that I recognise.

I am nitpicking?

Yes, you are trying to say, just not being very convincing about it.
Because you are cherry picking, and taking out of context too.

I nitpick for a living (scientist) and prefer to be exact than broadly accusatory based on sentences taken out of context.

AF came on the thread, as others did (including me), and she was at one point told to stand back and have a second thought about posting LTB.
Totally unfair, as shown in the thread that you used as example.

Actually I for one really don't know what you're trying to say at all, Everlong. I can accept that you think some people always say LTB even where it isn't appropriate, that is your opinion.

But the one example thread you've actually provided to support your opinion (a) comes from AIBU which Lewji said ages ago does not tend to give good advice, unlike Relationships (b) nonetheless has only ONE person on it actually saying LTB who isn't any kind of "usual suspect" and (c) mostly consists of people encouraging the OP to speak up to her H about the problem, which is precisely the course of action you claim to favour to maintain healthy relationships.

So it doesn't seem to support your opinion in any way. And why you're also irate about someone on that thread saying "I wouldn't LTB over this" is anybody's guess.