To wonder why some peoples response is always LTB

[anon2013]

I've noticed over many threads that people say "if it was my DH" all the time and LTB go hand in hand. I've seen people ask for advice today on here and they just get torn to pieces and it's worse if the OP is male.

AIBU to wonder why this is always the case?. If everyone took the advice they got on here sometimes nobody would ever salvage a relationship

I know it's all been discussed at this late point in the thread. But I am one of those people who (years ago) started a thread called should I stay or go. I got my answers! about 800 of them. I ended up defending my x I think and there was little to defend in truth.

So, I didn't leave because I was told to. But it did prompt the start of a new way of thinking for me. It was my own thoughts that lead me to take the decision to end it. I certainly didn't do it to please strangers on the internet. NObody is that biddable. But, the perspective of others helped me identify things I'd long-buried. Such as the fact that it wasn't selfish to be able to identify and occasionally prioritise your own needs.

Also, by the time somebody posts something like 'should I leave him?' on a forum, you can bet they've probably already been feeling unhappy for at least a year to two years.

I remember your thread, zoe.

it was about 6 and a half years ago anyfucker! I have name changed a lot and you have not. But I feel like I know YOU. I love ya! your advice is great, it's always great. I see it clearly now. It's about how highly you value yourself. Value yourself, consider yourself equal to your partner. That's not unreasonable.

YABU... Personally, I get annoyed with the type of thread that claims 'everyone says LTB' or accuses MN-ers of being man-haters, vipers, telling people to leave their husbands etc because to do that they can't have done much reading. No-one is going to end a marriage on the say-so of a bunch of strangers & MN responses are highly varied and often very constructive. However, women in abusive relationships often don't realise just how bad it is. If they turn up on MN and get a unanimously horrified 'LTB' type response, it can change and save lives.

Cogito

I agree. MN has opened my eyes. There's stuff I don't allow to pass in my own relationship now. There are friends I see in terrible relationships. I've recommended a couple of the to come on here because they will never get objective advice elsewhere - even from me!

In my observation most people use LTB sparingly and in context of the OPs post, but there are a few who are completely predictable, almost having a "LTB - now, what's the problem" approach.

That long, zoe ? Bloody hell. Time flies...

ok IABU and apologise for the offense I've caused

I guess we never hear again from those who say LTB responses aren't helpful, continue to say so then leave the thread.

It may have helped them think,differently about their situation or it could have been another experience of them not being listened to.

Unless every single poster comes back to update, we can't assume one,way or another.

And saying 'it helped me so it will help everyone else is am interesting pov.

Although I've never been in an abusive relationship, so I,may have a different perspective to a lot of posters.

Gawd. Stop apologising!!!!!

Anon, I don't think you've got anything to apologise for.

I don't think I can identify any poster whose response is alwasy LTB (in response to the thread title). Can you?

Even if some MNers do possibly go overboard, that doesn't even begin to counterbalance the misogynist, minimalising nature of relationship forums on other sites. Those sites reflect society's offline attitudes, in my eyes. By the time anyone posts on here, the "give him a chance" view will have been amply voiced to her.

TheBigJessie

Exactly.

In all honesty it's the suggestions that you 'sit down and talk' that always drive me barking. Or work on things.

Or fight for your marriage.

Actually all posts that suggest that the Relationship is somehow an entity in itself to be placated and nurtured, like a tethered panther in the corner of the room, leave me gibbering with rage.

anon you don't have to apologise, it is clear now that you did not mean to goad

that isn't always the case though, there are some MN users who like nothing better than getting people at each other's throats

they tend to not post anything useful to anybody, but like to take a pop just for giggles

if you become a regular poster, and have strong opinions, you may even come under fire yourself

I do see it on here. Sometimes it seems justified, sometimes perhaps a bit extreme.

I have been very lucky in my relationships (married my first boyfriend and celebrated out 20th anniversary this summer), so am not in any position to advise others regarding their various problems. I have never been through what some of them are experiencing.

So, I only make occasional comments on relationship threads, perhaps along the lines of offering moral support rather than anything. I just don't have the experience to help much. I also think that it is very difficult to make proper judgments about another person's situation via a post on the internet, no matter how detailed or otherwise they have made it. In most cases we won't know them personally, and there will almost always be much more to it.

There are frequently as many sides to a story as there are people involved in it.

That said though, I think you can sometimes hazard a guess from what has been written about whether two people do or don't seem compatible.

I love AF too! I've name changed a few times so they wont know who i am but AF you have given me some excellent advice in the past.

Oh yus, fight for your marriage. Against whom? Your husband? If you're holding it together single-handedly, that's not a marriage!

Also "is he depressed" when the answer is "whether or not he is depressed he clearly has Long Form for behaving like a total arsehole".

"is he in the spectrum?"

yes, because people with Asperger's Syndrome are known for treating people like shit....

on not "in"