To wonder why some peoples response is always LTB

[anon2013]

I've noticed over many threads that people say "if it was my DH" all the time and LTB go hand in hand. I've seen people ask for advice today on here and they just get torn to pieces and it's worse if the OP is male.

AIBU to wonder why this is always the case?. If everyone took the advice they got on here sometimes nobody would ever salvage a relationship

Yes, quite. But notice I am not telling OP she can't post. Only expressing a view about motive and likely effect.

Everlong

Nobody says LTB in those occasions, so they are not fair examples.

And if anyone does pop in and says it (just LTB) and leaves the thread it is in jest. It actually means the exact opposite.

Instead of LTB I'd be hoping for some clever strategies to effectively communicate with the DP. I mean, yes to not taking any bs, but also yes to being open to the possibility of the op to want to salvage their relationship.
I think putting problems to mumsnetters is really helpful when trying to get some perspective and also when in need of support/handholding!

My theory is they have husbands or partners who do what they want, so cant for the life of them think that maybe all men are not like that.

Are you shitting me? Do you really think that the only women who are not treated like shit are the ones who can order their partners around as that is what it sounds like you're saying.

If you are with someone who doesn't respect you, doesn't do their fair share of housework and child care, criticises you, maybe is controlling or bad tempered - that doesn’t mean it’s because you’re not with someone who you can get to do what you want, it means you’re with a bit of a twat, actually.

Maybe the people who say LTB are the ones in healthy relationships who can see when things are bad rather than folk who are so used to accepting that things aren’t fair or equal in a relationship so are prepared to ignore more bad behaviour than others.

I usually agree with calls to LTB but I think that if Relationships has a reputation for giving that advice (however prudently and kindly) then it does risk putting off posters who think "yes but it isn't that bad so I don't want to be told to ltb, I want to be told how to stay and that isn't going to happen". In some cases she will be right, and hers might be the one-in-a-lot of husbands who do change... but if someone in a genuinely abusive relationship is put off posting because of it, that's got to be bad? Or if she is told she should ltb but thinks "yes but they always say that" and doesn't take the advice seriously.

There have been several posters who are being terribly abused who start with an apparently minor thing and don't want to LTB.

The first people to say LTB are usually dismissed and criticised. It is often these people who pick up on the signs of an abuser.

They are very valuable IMO.

I'd suggest you stick along and see how threads and posters progress.

"I am being abused by my husband"

"LTB"

"I don't want to"

"No, seriously, if he is abusing you, you need to get away, call WA etc etc"

"OP - Sorry to hear you're being abused. Here's some top tips on how to put up with being treated like shite so you can manage being in an abusive relationship better."

One good thing about the LTB advice is potentially jolting the op into action, increasing independence and empowering her/him - which is good even if the relationship is saved.

I'm mainly talking about threads where a DH has cheated. I'll be screaming LTB in cases of abuse etc

whatever whatever you mean by "hardcore" users, I think you will find that they are equally scathing and uncompromising to both genders that cheat and deceive their partners

you are not looking/RTFT properly

Some people say 'LTB' as a joke. Like Hully, usually

You know, like when she just turns up on a thread to say 'kill him' and wanders off again.

OTOH if this is about the more considered responses to similar effect, then as has been explained, a lot of the time it is warranted as the situations described tend to follow a script if you like - there are certain known probabilities in this area, such as an alcoholic is unlikely to stop being one unless they want to, a man who hits you is unlikely to stop but instead will probably get worse, etc etc.

So it makes sense a lot of the time.

Each now thread from an abused person is a new person, a new relationship, and perhaps someone who has never found out these things, and imagines they can make it better somehow while staying in the marriage.

So of course there will be repetition. It is very sad.

I noticed that on a thread posted by a DH this morning. Someone said they wondered if the DH had changed it round to appear as a DW whether they'd have got as much abuse

I think it's two different things:

Posters who say LTB over abuse/affairs which seem fair enough. Often the OP is in a vulnerable state and needs instant, carefully considered advice.

Then posters who say LTB because he doesn't Hoover, wants sex more than once a month, gets pissed twice a year and rolls in at ooh about 4.15 ish -these topics always get the same people posting LTB. That seems a but tedious to me.

I can guarantee you that no-one has ever "LTB" because a stranger on the internet told them to. Not unless she was already thinking about it.

Personally I think it makes a refreshing change to the more commonplace minimising/misogynistic "give more blow jobs, make more home cooked meals and don't nag" type advice you see elsewhere.

As brightnearly said, if LTB is on the table, the relationship is more likely to be savageable.
I worry about people who want to stay in the relationship regardless and will bend over backwards to keep the relationship.

We all have different perspectives. But I am often taken aback that people read the many relationship threads and get as a prevailing impression that women are casually and irresponsibly being told LTB.

The impression I come away with is that there seems to be endless low and medium level hostility from many many men to women being treated with everyday kindness and respect, and for those women how to manage life and child-rearing against that background is a daunting and dispiriting struggle.

And I still very rarely say LTB. I don't post that often, since a lot of what is happening is outside my experience.

Are we going o get one of these threads every week or so now?

Can we just have a 'I want to talk about whether or not LTB is overused' section and they could all go in there. Next to the 'I'd like to have a pop at some regular posters without naming them' section.

I go on relationships occasionally. I have been very happily married for 24 years. I think that the advice in there is generally very good and encompasses a board range of views.

If an OP starts her (this also applies to men too, but I refuse to keep typing his/her, he/she etc, this a female dominated site, deal with it) thread with the premise "I am never going to leave him" then I don't even bother to comment

what is the point ?

Totally agree with that

Yes, Pag we could have a "LTB...WTF" section alongside the "all the swearing on this site is discusting section"

whatever6, I thought you said you had been banned? Or was that just whatever5 and whatever4 etc?

I don't think I've actually seen LTB put forth as an option in situations where I wouldn't LTB if my husband did it. It may have happened, obviously, because I'm not here 24/7 and I don't have a perfect memory, even when I am here.

And this isn't a poly relationship- I'm just got the one husband, who is actually, y'know, nice.