To wonder why some peoples response is always LTB

[anon2013]

I've noticed over many threads that people say "if it was my DH" all the time and LTB go hand in hand. I've seen people ask for advice today on here and they just get torn to pieces and it's worse if the OP is male.

AIBU to wonder why this is always the case?. If everyone took the advice they got on here sometimes nobody would ever salvage a relationship

I have a friend who should definitely LTB.
She has been told that, she knows it, but she's afraid of him and of the consequences.
Some friends don't want to get involved, are not aware of what an abusive relationship is, or have been disappointed before at her lack of response.
He is part of our friendship circle, so it's difficult to show sides.
And it's hard to feel responsible for breaking up a marriage.

Internet strangers don't have these problems and tell us like it is.

Exactly BOF

It's not shouted here.

I was saying what most people feel like.

They don't want to be put in the middle, as there is still a belief that outsiders should not meddle in couples' issues.

Personally, I'm beyond that.

Maybe she wouln't have been put in this position if people had said to her LTB from the first bastard behaviour.

Posters on mumsnet who give you an unbiased reality check are to be prized as rubies

True re rubies, but the LTB chorus are very far from unbiased, They may not all be swilling Lambrusco in bedsits as someone above said, but I do think many are projecting their own ishoos, not solving the OPs.

I've not actually seen any posts which just say LTB with no justification.

Its an MN myth.

So far nobody has linked to a post where the OP has been told to LTB an otherwise nice enough partner for a momentary lapse.

The shower thread, nobody said LTB, there were suggestions to prevent it from happening in future, but once OP explained the normal routine everyone was being supportive.

This is when it's best to LTB and why some pps quickly say it, rather than suggest tokeep talking, when the OP has already done that.
Very well put, IMO

I've told people to LTB in real life. They tend to stop talking to you, or at least forevermore avoid the subject of their DP/DH. Sometimes they come back and ask for advice, but not always.

I did have to reevaluate my filter! I wouldn't give advice in RL any more unless expressly asked for it whereas I might on here. I think it's just a totally different dynamic. In RL people tend to get defensive straight away and then avoid the topic - online people can either go away if they are initially shocked by responses and think about it, or think before they respond even if that is a defensive response. In RL it's more instinctive and split second. Often if someone is unhappy in their relationship, the slightly longer time taken to put a defence into words on the screen is enough time to stop and question it, think, well, hang on, maybe they do have a point/maybe this defence is a bit weak.

I've noticed it when talking to friends e.g. on facebook chat vs talking in person as well. There is one friend in particular who should have LTB years ago but is still hanging on. When we talk in person it's clear she (usually) doesn't want to talk about her partner but if we talk on facebook she often initiates it and asks straight up for advice.

It's really awkward, isn't it?

I saw them yesterday and it was really odd to see her behaving as if they were a happy couple, after all the complaining.

I can understand other friends who have given up and think she is overreacting, because she may later deny it. Cognitive dissonance?

I almost wanted to shake her, as I'm so uncomfortable being around him, particularly after the reports (and the bruise I saw) of physical violence.

And breathe...

If early LTBs here can help people not getting deeper into such bad relationships, then they are definitely rubies.

Maybe she wouln't have been put in this position if people had said to her LTB from the first bastard behaviour.

This is 100% true for me. Like BOF, and myriad others, I heard afterwards what other people really thought of him or the way he treated me. Had someone spelled it out for me, as clearly & patiently as Mumsnet does, I believe I'd have listened more to my instincts. It would have been hard to LTB, I'm not denying that, because I was so enmeshed. But my instincts were screaming "LTB!" Everyone else, though, was making excuses for me/him. So I listened to everyone else.

As a general point, I think it's very easy to be simplistic when you are viewing someone else's situation from the outside.

LTB might be the best solution in an ideal world, but may not be preferable to the actual alternatives in RL.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 25-Sep-13 09:53:37
"I've not actually seen any posts which just say LTB with no justification.

Its an MN myth.

So far nobody has linked to a post where the OP has been told to LTB an otherwise nice enough partner for a momentary lapse."

This.

I have been on MN for many a year now (eyes up zimmer frame) and ime LTB posts are usually occasioned by: physical violence, extreme (and prolonged) verbal abuse, controlling behaviour and/or emotional abuse of children.

Speaking as somebody brought up by a decent man, married to another and (hopefully) bringing up a third, I don't see why anyone should put up with that. It's just plain wrong, behaviour like that shouldn't happen, noone should enable it, children shouldn't be allowed to grow up thinking it is normal.

If ds turns out like that, I jolly well hope his partner will leave him. If dd ends up with a man like that, I certainly wouldn't want her to stay with him.

Can anyone link to a thread where LTB was suggested and not justified?

There are quite a number that are pointed out at the time by various posters on various threads about relationships.

For me personally, I think it is time to put a line under the sand and see what transpires over the next few months.

I do remember threads when early LTB were challenged, yes, but the husband did turn out to be an abuser.

Others have a mix, as it is normal when there are differences of opinion. As here there is a range of people, from the ones who take no shit to those who still believe in talking about it, even when there is evidence that it has been talked about before, including with ultimatums.

I doubt there will be threads in the next few months where the husband is a good guy and someone says LTB.

I really haven't seen it.

All I know is that with a particular type of bloke, it's like he's been handed a script. They all get the same script. And if you've heard the script over and over again, you hear one line of it and you could recite it.
The poster starts off with him name-calling her because the kitchen isn't tidy and the dinner's not ready.
It will transpire that she barely gets enough money from him to cover the bills
He is jealous. He doesn't like her family. He monitors her computer use and checks her phone.
He gets sulky when he doesn't get sex and makes the OP feel obliged to have sex whether she wants it or not and to do things she doesn't want to do.
He has maybe hit her once. She is afraid he'll hit her again.
She is constantly walking on eggshells and hates the sound of the key in the door.
His ex is "crazy" and he doesn't see his kids from previous relationships.

You rarely get one of the above in isolation. You hear one line of the script and 99 times out of 100, the rest will follow.

YY Seven. Because the little-bastard behaviours don't tend to show up unless someone has an underlying bastard mentality. And someone who has an underlying bastard mentality tends to display this as big-bastard behaviours too, every once in a while, just when they need to, you understand, just to make her see.

Lweji I remember a really nasty thread, where about a hundred people took one line out of context and told the OP she was unreasonable to be upset about being "playfully" tripped over, and it was her fault for not telling him he'd hurt her (apparently as well as not being able to see dirt, men also can't see tears streaming down someone's face) and they attacked people saying she should LTB.

It turned out that she'd already been a guest at a women's refuge once or something, and he was going to "how not to be an abusive bastard" classes. He was already on his second chance, and he wasn't changing.

But I doubt the "god, everyone says LTB these days" posters kept up with the thread's developments.

God, it was clear from the OP what kind of man that was.

And I also remember threads where pps initially came up with That's ok, my DH does that all the time. Only to eventually realise that they were also being abused (eg. sex when asleep).