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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why some peoples response is always LTB

294 replies

anon2013 · 23/09/2013 12:06

I've noticed over many threads that people say "if it was my DH" all the time and LTB go hand in hand. I've seen people ask for advice today on here and they just get torn to pieces and it's worse if the OP is male.

AIBU to wonder why this is always the case?. If everyone took the advice they got on here sometimes nobody would ever salvage a relationship Confused

OP posts:
whatever6 · 23/09/2013 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TheBigJessie · 23/09/2013 15:18

Er, right...

Yes, anyfucker's opinion that human beings are entitled to respect, and that women are human beings, means she has childhood issoos.

Nice!

Thank god there are women like anyfucker around, willing to give up their time to support others, despite the abuse they receive.

TheOrcHeadKeeper · 23/09/2013 15:20

Has it every occurred to some of you that the posters who hover around the R board are the ones who've been affected by bad relationships and aren't bitter man haters projecting themselves onto every problem posted there, but are helpful, experienced people who just want to point out if they can see a pattern or give some useful advice or just be supportive?

I've found that when I have needed to post anything about a relationship it's the straight talking ones that really cut the crap out & make me see sense...

jinglejanglescarecrow · 23/09/2013 15:21

whatever me too! I got hammered on a thread a few months ago and have been hiding since! was only sticking up for the OP! Have name changed and been lurking since Grin

Op I understand your post.

Lweji · 23/09/2013 15:21

TBF, it's different to have a pp who has had an affair and regrets it, or is in the middle of one and is very confused, and a person who got caught while in the affair.
I'd forgive more easily a partner who confessed than one I had caught out, denied it and admitted to the minimum, making little effort to reassure me (as per the usual cheaters script - according to people here).
Most women who cheat are told they are best leaving their partners because they have no respect for them.

Personally I find it interesting that people who patently spend very little time on Relationships (by own admission and by the lack of knowledge they show about it) find the need to criticise the advice given in there.

Threads in AIBU are more likely to get bad and inconsistent advice than Relationships.

MurderOfGoths · 23/09/2013 15:22

I wish I'd been on the relationships board with some of my exes, could have done with people telling me to LTB instead of the minimising I mostly got. Had one ex who messed me around so much that there is a 6 month gap in my memory where my mental health took a nosedive, and (aside from my immediate family and one friend) everyone else told me I was the cruel one for ending it. If I'd have been surrounded by women like AF maybe I'd have got out before I was too damaged.

Lweji · 23/09/2013 15:24

I definitely don't hate men. Not even exH. :)

not presuming to be hard core, but not sure of who I follow

2rebecca · 23/09/2013 15:25

I think when several people are saying LTB it's usually because the woman has painted her husband as an abusive bastard with few if any redeeming features.
If you can also include the good things in your relationship and list the ways in which your husband enhances your life (and husbands should enhance your life) then you'll get fewer LTBs.
If you portray him as a workshy alcoholic who verbally abuses you and his kids and treats you as a skivvy then people are going to wonder why you are wanting to share your very short life with this man.

Lweji · 23/09/2013 15:31

Most people do mention their partner's good points and, in fact, hardly any faults.

It's just that the bad points are usually so bad that they drown the good points.

My usual stance is, if you can live with the bad points, then fine. If not, then there are no good points that can redeem the relationship.

Lovecat · 23/09/2013 15:38

I think those making thinly-veiled and sarcastic attacks on the women who are actually doing something to help other women (and sometimes men) should be ashamed of themselves. Not that they will be, because their agendas are clear if you read their history and it seems to be they who have ishoos with women helping women with shitty situations in their lives.

I've never seen LTB used as a knee-jerk unless in a joking manner. It tends to come only after a lot of detail has been revealed. Why should someone stay in a dreadful relationship that is giving them nothing but anxiety and mental/physical distress? Why would anyone advise that?

What people who see the Relationships board as being a terrible place seem to fail to realise is that those of us having a lovely time with our partners and husbands are not going to go post there and say how wonderful our lovely lives are. Not unless we want to look like knobbers, anyway.

It is used as a source of support and help when you are having problems, so of course we are more than likely only going to read about the bad side of a relationship.

Infidelity tends not to come as a solo problem - there are generally other issues such as trust, lying, broken vows, utter disregard for their partner/DC's feelings/finances/sexual health - a whole load of things that are hard to ignore and are dealbreakers for many women. It isn't just the act of bumping genitals with another person and I think it's quite callous towards the cheated-on partner's feelings to characterise it as such. I know if DH cheated on me I could never, ever trust him again and a marriage without trust isn't worth having, so I would LTB. And I would be grateful of the support I could find on the Relationships board.

SunshineSuperNova · 23/09/2013 15:39

I don't agree with the OP.

I've been told to LTB recently. I haven't done yet, and may not do, because DH is modifying his behaviour. But it's not definitely off the cards. It was a huge relief to realise that I wasn't overreacting to his actions, and that my feelings were reasonable.

Since then, I've spoken with people close to me and they said that they have held back from telling me to LTB, as they like DH. But once I mentioned it...

Thanks to all the people on the Relationships board who speak the truth. Cake

FavoriteThings · 23/09/2013 15:46

AnyFucker On other subjects you come across as a very reasonable poster.

Perhaps it is just time for a bit of a relook at the ltb subject?

Pagwatch · 23/09/2013 15:51

Hahahahaha

Oh yes. I am well known for being unwelcoming and a twat.

"pag. What an unwelcoming arse" people cry. All the time.

MadBusLady · 23/09/2013 15:52

Lol give it up, Favorite, she probably outstares six better goaders than you before breakfast.

jinglejanglescarecrow · 23/09/2013 15:56

I've seen some fantastic threads where the support was second to none, but I've also seen threads where the issue was easily rectified, and yet the response was very heavy handed.

On the relationship threads I hardly ever commented as I didn't feel I knew the right answer and some one would be along that would. And some of the advice that was given was stella, but I have seen some of the same posters giving blanket advice on other threads when their men where men childs.

Its all to easy to say LTB but I honestly don't think some one would if they genuinely didn't think they needed to and was just looking for advice.

TheBigJessie · 23/09/2013 15:56

I think she comes across as a very reasonable poster in all subjects, including this one. Why are you so sure that she's wrong here?

I have no ishoos with adult relationships, and I never witnessed my parents split up, and I have an extremely happy marriage. So don't try that one.

Do you think maybe you're over invested in the Happy Ever After idea and projecting ishoos onto everyone who disagrees with you?

TheOrcHeadKeeper · 23/09/2013 15:58

Without meaning to kissarse, AnyFucker should not change her style. It's partly thanks to that style that i didn't hang around my last relationship, waiting for it to get better when it was making me ill. Give it up.

FavoriteThings · 23/09/2013 16:02

MadBusLady, doesnt mean that she is right though does it?

I think AF is big enough and bright enough to be able to stand back and at least have a second think about things.

Dahlen · 23/09/2013 16:03

Relationships follow patterns. Once you've been round the block a little, you get very good at spotting those patterns early on. What to some posters seems very premature, is blindingly obvious to those who have some experience at seeing those patterns.

All too often, LTB is absolutely the correct response. Believe me OP when I say that makes me just as Sad as it does you. Just for different reasons.

Lweji · 23/09/2013 16:05

I think AF is big enough and bright enough to be able to stand back and at least have a second think about things.

I'm sure she does. :)

Are you standing behind her (or anyone else) to see how twitchy her fingers are on the L T B keys?

Original poster
anon2013 · 23/09/2013 16:06

I guess I'm lucky that I haven't been treated badly for a very long time. I think a couple of threads today upset me a little and made me post this.

OP posts:
christinarossetti · 23/09/2013 16:06

The LTB stuff doesn't sit well with me when the OP is explicitly saying that it's not helpful but posters keep insisting that they somehow know more about the OPs,life than the OP herself on the back of a couple of paragraphs.

I can understand when it is brought up quickly whenn someone repeatedly posts, but not when someone posts for the first time for a bit of perspective. The OP,may indeed decide to LTB somewhere along the line but it's a journey for a person not something for others to rail road them into.

Pagwatch · 23/09/2013 16:08

"I think she comes across as a very reasonable poster in all subjects, including this one. Why are you so sure that she's wrong here?"

I agree with that TheBigJessie

If I find a poster to be in general very reasonable then I always dismiss their view with caution.
It's just common sense isn't it - to consider that your own view may, in this instance, need reviewing?

StickEmUp · 23/09/2013 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

garlicbaguette · 23/09/2013 16:14

Hmm. Late to this thread.
So: poster goes "Argh, DH has left the rubbish indoors AGAIN!"
Replies: "LTB Grin" or "Take it outside, then?" or "Tell him!"
End of story, we hope.
BUT: poster goes "I wouldn't mind but I'm disabled and can't take it out. He forgets."
Replies: "What, he forgets the rubbish, or he forgets you're disabled?"
Poster: "That I'm disabled! He told me to walk to the shops yesterday, as he needed the car."
Replies: "Okaaay ... we may have a problem ..."
... More questions asked; poster's insistence that "he means well" acknowledged ... Long thread ensues.

Personally, I think anybody living with a partner who ignores their evident needs should LTB. But we don't find out about this unless we ask the questions. On Mumsnet, posters do ask the questions, instead of making glib assumptions. That's its strength :)