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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About school birthday parties?

174 replies

UnexpectedStepmum · 18/09/2013 21:23

DD1 has just started school, and got her first birthday party invitation where the whole class is invited. DH and I have discussed this and agreed we want to limit the amount of party invitations we accept, for a range of reasons. We don't want to spend nearly every weekend going to a party as it eats into family time and stops them being special; there is always lots of rubbish food involved as well all the tat that comes back in party bags; and we don't want to get into competitive party giving (I have already heard one playground conversation about hiring venues, entertainers etc).

DH now thinks we should decline all school party invitations, and say that we don't do parties as we go away a lot. We will have a party for our DDs' birthdays which are around the same time, and invite DD1's good friends from nursery etc., plus anyone from school she seems particularly friendly with by then. Her school is a little way away from home and she didn't know anyone when she started there. I am concerned about whether this means she will miss out socially at school, and wonder if we should accept at least this one invitation and add this child to those who come to DD's party. DH suggested asking Mumsnetters for views - do you think we ABU to cut out all school birthday parties at least for this year? (We will still go to ones for friends she has known longer and is close to). Will she be missing out?

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 19/09/2013 16:56

Seriously? Hmm

Hoik down your judgey pants before they cut the circulation off and let your daughter make friends and have fun. There's no law that says you have to go to every single one, just the ones for children she likes and that are on days convenient to you.

Bit rich to turn down everyone else's invite but expect them to come to yours.

Bet it's a right barrel of laughs in your house!

Boobybeau · 19/09/2013 17:02

She will totally be missing out. She will eventually stop being invited to anything and the other parents won't take their kids to your children's parties. Why not just do the ones you can make and if it's inconvenient the don't do it. There's no hard and fast set rule. Just don't get sucked into the whole competitiveness and remember who the party is actually for

StuntGirl · 19/09/2013 17:04

I somehow missed 4 extra pages...glad you have relented. Your daughter will have a great time!

HorryIsUpduffed · 19/09/2013 17:09

I don't think it's "she didn't come to mine so I won't go to hers" but more that she risks being The Child Nobody Knows so parents won't put themselves out to attend. They will assume their child and yours aren't really friends.

I found Reception Mums' Coffees or Nights Out were excruciating at first but really useful for networking and now I have a group of mum-friends who do emergency pick-ups, welly swaps when feet grow, etc.

elinorbellowed · 19/09/2013 17:17

My own social life improved immensely by taking DS to every party he was invited to in reception. I didn't know anyone as we had just moved to a new area. I got to know the other mums and now have a clique group of mums I get on really well with.
Including, the landowners and someone who passes all her Boden clothes down to DD. I have really laid the foundations for DS and his future, he may even grow up middle class. Grin
Seriously, DP and I take it in turns to take him. It is only a couple of hours, it isn't every weekend and now he can be left, I often get that time to myself to read the paper and drink coffee. Last time DS went to a pizza party and the rest of us had a meal out. That's family time, with the child that doesn't often get us to herself, so it just fits in nicely.
There are some kids that never come to parties, and DS always comments on how sad that is for them. I also think the invitations drop off for those kids as well.

exoticfruits · 19/09/2013 17:47

It really doesn't matter- reception parents are largely in control of friendships, but from then on they lose it- children form their own friendships. Not all parents can afford , or want to have, whole class parties- there is no way that I would have more than 10 children and in reception I would keep it small and at home.
Encourage real friendships - you really don't need the pressure of 'she invited me, I must invite her'. If a parent wants to have a huge party, that is up to them. Invitations drop off for all children as they get older- it is quite common to take a couple of friends out for the day.

oakmouse · 19/09/2013 18:17

Relax, let your daughter enjoy the parties that don't interfere with family life and then do birthdays your way. As others have said whole class parties are not common even in reception. My son is in year 2 and I am doing one because he has SN and never gets invited to parties and has no special friends Sad but thinks of the whole class as his friends. I heard from another mum that her boy hasn't been invited to any others so I definitely think whole class parties have a place.

I won't be doing one for my daughter though as I will have a nervous breakdown if I have to do this all again in a few months! So hers will be on a much more basic level as she is happy just to play and have cake and balloons with a few friends.

I don't expect people to spend money on presents or do anything lavish in return or feel obliged to come (thank heavens enough are that we can actually have the party). Competition doesn't come onto it, having a kid with SN knocks competitive parenting on the head pretty swiftly.It is purely and simply about wanting my little boy to have a happy day and help him make friends and be more confident, and hoping to give the other children a fun time as well, especially those that don't usually get to go to parties.

Oblomov · 19/09/2013 18:19

Agreed. By Year 2, ds1 was taking 3 friends to the cinema, on a saturday morning, which costs £1.50 each. Plus a pizza after. Cheapest birthday party EVER !! Smile

sparrowfart23 · 19/09/2013 18:25

I felt a bit sad reading the original post, as a reception mum who has just done invitations for a whole class party. My reasoning is that DD only knows a few children, and I thought it would be nice to get to meet some of the other parents. I hope that the parents at DD's school don't look on the invitation as some kind of hideous obligation / imposition Sad .

I am glad you decided to let your DD go to the party OP. If it's my DD's party I promise some healthy food as well as the obligatory sweeties! Smile

I wouldn't expect to receive invitations to everyone's parties for DD (though I would be feel sad on her behalf if she didn't get invited to any). I fully intend to do smaller parties in the years to come.

Can I second tanfastic 's comments re RSVP-ing? I have been shocked at the number of people who do not bother to RSVP - in my experience as many as a third of invitees.

Original poster
UnexpectedStepmum · 19/09/2013 18:42

Oh dear god, Reception mums' coffees and nights out? Please tell me that's a joke.

OP posts:
alpinemeadow · 19/09/2013 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HorryIsUpduffed · 19/09/2013 18:47

No joke. Valuable networking dontchaknow.

Very good for swapping cake recipes too.

HorryIsUpduffed · 19/09/2013 18:51

Oh and that kind of socialising makes parties more bearable too - because Reception parties are rarely drop-and-run but you're bound to know a handful of people to chat with. Mindless small talk generally ("Ooh how did you get on with your MIL this weekend? You said you weren't sure how it would go").

Lexiesinclair · 19/09/2013 18:51

Don't knock it till you've tried it. :)

I've met some very good friends through school - we actually have things in common apart from our DC and it makes life so much easier having people to help out with pick ups, lifts etc.

Lexiesinclair · 19/09/2013 18:52

Sorry I don't know why all my posts are appearing twice.

PigStack · 19/09/2013 18:55

IME parties that include the whole class don't last beyond age 6 - I only ever had one each. Before 6 it was just family and neighbours and after just 4 good friends. I wouldn't ban all but I wouldn't cancel plans to accomodate a b'day party

Original poster
UnexpectedStepmum · 19/09/2013 18:57

No that last post actually was a joke - I have been for a mums' coffee already!

OP posts:
Lexiesinclair · 19/09/2013 19:00

Mums' wine/beers are much more fun :)

Lexiesinclair · 19/09/2013 19:00

Mums' wine/beers are much more fun :)

Bakingtins · 19/09/2013 19:03

The stage of whole class parties and parents having to stay is v short in the scheme of things. DS now in Y2 and parties seem to be down to about 10 people and parents drop and run. Make your DH do half if you don't enjoy them, decline politely (always RSVPing) if you are genuinely busy, and make the effort to be pleasant when it's your turn. Some of those other parents you are looking down your nose out might turn out to be decent people, even friends.

teenagetantrums · 19/09/2013 19:04

if she wants to go why would you say no? yes kids parties are a pain but they are over by the time they go to secondary school, then you wont have to worry.I think you are over thinking the whole thing.

LunaticFringe · 19/09/2013 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 19/09/2013 19:20

At school age I want parents to drop and leave- there is no room for them. If they are real friends they are quite happy to stay. I don't mind one parent if they won't be left,but certainly not more than two.

Original poster
UnexpectedStepmum · 19/09/2013 19:20

Lexie you can say that again! Grin

OP posts:
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