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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About school birthday parties?

174 replies

UnexpectedStepmum · 18/09/2013 21:23

DD1 has just started school, and got her first birthday party invitation where the whole class is invited. DH and I have discussed this and agreed we want to limit the amount of party invitations we accept, for a range of reasons. We don't want to spend nearly every weekend going to a party as it eats into family time and stops them being special; there is always lots of rubbish food involved as well all the tat that comes back in party bags; and we don't want to get into competitive party giving (I have already heard one playground conversation about hiring venues, entertainers etc).

DH now thinks we should decline all school party invitations, and say that we don't do parties as we go away a lot. We will have a party for our DDs' birthdays which are around the same time, and invite DD1's good friends from nursery etc., plus anyone from school she seems particularly friendly with by then. Her school is a little way away from home and she didn't know anyone when she started there. I am concerned about whether this means she will miss out socially at school, and wonder if we should accept at least this one invitation and add this child to those who come to DD's party. DH suggested asking Mumsnetters for views - do you think we ABU to cut out all school birthday parties at least for this year? (We will still go to ones for friends she has known longer and is close to). Will she be missing out?

OP posts:
BrokenSunglasses · 18/09/2013 21:47

You don't have to feel obliged to accept every invitation you get, but I think your dd would miss out if you never allowed her to go to any. If she's in reception, there will be talk of parties, and it will make her sad not to be included in that at all.

The flurry of invitations will not be as intense as you seem to think it will be. Parties only last two hours, they still leave plenty of time over a weekend to have family time.

It's nice to focus one morning or afternoon over a weekend around the thing your child would most like.

treadheavily · 18/09/2013 21:49

ningnong English adj. an idiot, a fool

AlannaPartridge · 18/09/2013 21:50

The "rubbish food & tat" is really quite an unpleasant remark about other parents efforts to entertain theirs & your child - not to mention snotty. You and your DH need to get over yourselves a bit Hmm

Your DD won't be invited to every party going, you know. Why would you think she would? A couple a term is more normal.

Mintyy · 18/09/2013 21:51

"DH now thinks we should decline all school party invitations, and say that we don't do parties as we go away a lot."

Well he sounds charming.

You don't honestly think your dd is going to stay friends with her nursery chums all through primary school do you? And that she would prefer to have them to her party when she is 8 or 9 over children from her class who she sees every day?

I think you sound like a proper misery guts, tbh.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 18/09/2013 21:51

YABU and a bit of a meanie.

Stravy · 18/09/2013 21:51

I think you are considerably over-estimating how many invites she will receive and tbh being a bit selfish.

^^
this

Imagine if we all behaved like this. "I'm not coming to your party because the food will be bad and you'll force tat on us but you must come to mine which will be superior, despite me not doing competitive parties "
The very fabric of society will will disintegrate.

fwiw, whole class parties beyond reception are like hens teeth in my experience.

Changebagsandgladrags · 18/09/2013 21:51

I think it's nice to go to some parties early on. It's a chance to meet some other parents outside of school.

Not everyone has a party, and by year one they really start to taper off.

Garcia10 · 18/09/2013 21:52

Your poor DD. I can't understand you would even contemplate this.

She is a young child. They love parties. Do you not want her to be happy and make friends? Have you forgotten what it is like to be a child? So she'll eat rubbish food and get plasticky nonsense in her party bag. It's hardly going to ruin her for life is it? Even if she goes to 15 (highly unlikely) such parties in a year.

All you will achieve by not letting her go is to ostracise her and she will end up being the lonely kid who nobody invites anywhere.

YABU and I can't understand your rationale at all.

DuelingFanjo · 18/09/2013 21:52

You should accept some but I do understand why you wouldn't want to accept them all.

BumbleChum · 18/09/2013 21:53

Do you and your DH decline all invitations for yourselves, so that you can have family time?

CaptainSweatPants · 18/09/2013 21:55

Yes reception had a lot of class parties
It's where I met mums who I can text if I'm running late to get to school or I'm ill or a younger child is ill
After reception you can drop & run & spend time doing other stuff
It's the only way if finding out if other parents live locally to you so you can share lifts

It's part of being a parent - sucking up the things you don't like

In a couple of years time you'll be spending Sunday afternoons supervising homework & you probably won't want to do that either

3birthdaybunnies · 18/09/2013 21:55

I think you should let her go whenever possible. Her nursery friends will soon be long forgotten - she is in a new stage of her life and she needs to fit in, besides these reception ones are a chance to meet other parents, by part way through reception parents will all be dropping off and going for coffee with the remaining sibling.

This phase really doesn't last long - by yr 1 it tends to be just a few large parties, and by yr2 (or sooner) just close friends. If you really can't sit through too many class parties then maybe try to accept as many as possible up to Christmas and after that just children she says she enjoys playing with.

I think it is a bit rude to snub everyone else's parties but expect them to come to you. You may also find that invites from existing friends start to dry up. In my circle of friends from before school many didn't tend to invite beyond their child's new class and when they did the birthday child wanted to just play with their best friends from school. We found the best way was for our group of friends to arrange a joint party/ get together just for our group of friends, then the children played with eac other.

Is there any particular reason why you don't want her socialising outside of school with her classmates other than she doesn't live near them? Personally that would make me more keen for her to join in as she won't bump into them on the walk to school perhaps if you have to drive, but maybe it isn't your first choice of school and you are hoping to move her. I still think she should be encouraged to go while she is there otherwise she will lose confidence and seen as even more of an outsider.

GladbagsGold · 18/09/2013 21:57

Is this some sort of reverse AIBU?

Your reasons for not wanting DD to go to parties are frankly nonsense. Have you thought that she might like parties and want to go and make friends?

She is a real person allowed to have likes and dislikes and opinions, not a lifestyle accessory or a science experiment.

escape · 18/09/2013 21:58

You are really over thinking this. Agree with posters above. Play it by ear on an invite by invite basis.

nancy75 · 18/09/2013 21:59

At dd's school about half the children in her reception class had whole class parties, after that first year it tends to calm down. I remember 1 weekend she went to 3 parties, sure it wasn't my ideal weekend taking her from 1 to another but part of having children is doing things that they want to do, even if it is not something you enjoy.
A bit of party food is not going to kill her and party bag tat can easily make it's way into the bin. I think you would be incredibly mean to not let her go to any parties.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 18/09/2013 21:59

Just bloody go to the ones you CAN make instead of banning them all! You will make your DD sad.

TurnOffTheTv · 18/09/2013 22:00

Good god you sound a misery. They are two hours tops! What will you be doing for your daughters birthday?

ExitPursuedByADragon · 18/09/2013 22:00
cherrytomato40 · 18/09/2013 22:00

Tbh if my child had a September birthday I would probably have an all class party- the kids haven't had the chance to make special friends yet and there is also the pressure of being the first to host a party and not wanting to upset people.

The other mum is probably bricking it that people won't come- just go and be friendly you might even enjoy it!

2468Motorway · 18/09/2013 22:01

This must be a joke. Why would anyone do this? Don't you want your child to have fun and make friends? Why would you host a party if you think they are so awful?

How would you feel if you DDs friends (or rather their parents) declined any of your DDs party invites on the same basis?

mysticminstrel · 18/09/2013 22:03

How you and DH feel about parties for kids at school is pretty much how nearly all other parents feel about them too.

The rest of us have the same issues as you, we just suck it up for our kid's sake.

Just take it on a case by case basis and make some time to go to a few.

teatimesthree · 18/09/2013 22:03

DD was in reception last year. There was not a single whole class party. I think she went to c. 4 parties in all. Don't sweat it.

Rebelrebel · 18/09/2013 22:03

Um. Just decide as you go along. There won't be that many. Plus soon she will be old enough to be left and you get 1.5 child free hours - brilliant. She might even have fun.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 18/09/2013 22:05

It's not about you, it's about her. She's just started school and does not know many children, it's a great opportunity for her to make friends. YABU and she will not thank you for putting your weekends above her early socialisation days.

EduCated · 18/09/2013 22:05

I think it is a bit rude to snub everyone else's parties but expect them to come to you.

This.

Children's birthday parties are a part of growing up. It seems incredibly mean to deny your DD the chance to join in because you don't want her to. Most parties are a couple of hours at most, hardly taking over the whole weekend. And you don't have to accept every single one, if you're busy or going away, that's that.

But to say you don't do parties? Utterly bizarre.