About school birthday parties?

[UnexpectedStepmum]

DD1 has just started school, and got her first birthday party invitation where the whole class is invited. DH and I have discussed this and agreed we want to limit the amount of party invitations we accept, for a range of reasons. We don't want to spend nearly every weekend going to a party as it eats into family time and stops them being special; there is always lots of rubbish food involved as well all the tat that comes back in party bags; and we don't want to get into competitive party giving (I have already heard one playground conversation about hiring venues, entertainers etc).

DH now thinks we should decline all school party invitations, and say that we don't do parties as we go away a lot. We will have a party for our DDs' birthdays which are around the same time, and invite DD1's good friends from nursery etc., plus anyone from school she seems particularly friendly with by then. Her school is a little way away from home and she didn't know anyone when she started there. I am concerned about whether this means she will miss out socially at school, and wonder if we should accept at least this one invitation and add this child to those who come to DD's party. DH suggested asking Mumsnetters for views - do you think we ABU to cut out all school birthday parties at least for this year? (We will still go to ones for friends she has known longer and is close to). Will she be missing out?

Yabu. It's up to your daughter. Ask her if she wants to go or not.
Tbh I'd rather not go to parties, but dd loves them! I'd feel she was missing out if we never went. It's ok not to make every one, but not going to any is a bit shit.

Being cool and aloof may well be yours and dh's persona of choice OP, but it doesn't work the same way at primary school.

Also, parties at that age tend to be 2-3 hours max. With the best will in the world I cannot fathom how that equates to no family time at weekends

You and your DH are overthinking this, I think, OP.

You are seeing family that weekend? Then politely decline the invitation. Other parties may fall on weekends when your DD is free, and she can go to those.

Please bear in mind that her nursery friends will tend to drift away if she's not seeing them every day, anymore, and will be replaced by school friends.

Also, don't you think its a bit rude to tell people you just don't "do" parties? Is that what you tell people with respect to adult parties? Oh, we don't go to parties (weddings, christenings, etc.) as they interfere with "family time". If not, why should there be a different attitude towards your DD and her friends?

One of the boys in DS's class is a Jehovah's Witness. He never goes to parties, as they don't celebrate birthdays. I have had to reassure DS that I am sure this boy does actually get to do lovely things, and I'm sure he is given presents and so on, just not associated with birthdays or Christmas, etc.

Your DDs will be the ones everyone pities, if they are never allowed to go to parties. Is that what you want?

On the "rubbish food and tat" thing; that is the actual essence of kid's parties, you know?
Just a gentle heads up for your own dd's party - if it contains neither the kids will not be amused and will let you know quite vociferously.
This will mark her out as even stranger (like the legendary kid who had carrot sticks in his party bag - thread on here somewhere - bet no one ever came to another one of his...)

Your poor DD

Both my DDs lived for the parties in the first year or so of school. YABU to decline all invitations. If she wants to go let her go.

If some invitations come in when you genuinely have other plans then just say so nicely. Your DH is over thinking this and being a bit selfish IMO.

It's a very good way of socialising, both for children and parents

What happens when your ds really wants to go to her new best friends party?

What happens when you send out your invites?

Ime, it's only really for the first year

There is no rule that says you have to have a full class party yourself, just give your invitations to the parents, and explain that it's just a small party. Don't give then out in the class

There is a child in ds's class that never went to any parties last year, his birthday invite has just gone out and tbh I don't think many people are going because they don't know him, admittedly he is a very quiet shy child.

Obviously no-one says you have to go to every party, but in your position I would go to the first few, and then take every invite as it comes. You will figure out who is important to your dd

I don't know what you plan to be doing as a family while these parties are taking place but it will need to be something that will appeal more to your dd than a party. Otherwise she will be miserable because she knows she could be at a party with her friends. Don't forget either when the children are discussing the party and ask what dd was doing instead something like "We were sowing our organic carrots" is going to set her apart and not in a good way.

Thank you for all the responses, particularly the gentler ones! Even as an introvert myself I agree that a total no party stance would be detrimental for DD settling at school, and this morning I accepted the invitation and told DH afterwards

In his defence it's not selfishness or being snobby, I think he's a bit scarred by the experience with his older son, where parents got incredibly competitive about parties - hiring the local football stadium with coaches, etc. and then looking down their noses at DSS's parties which were more having a few friends round and carving pumpkins (October birthday). But having 100 or so Internet strangers agree with me is quite useful for backing up my side of an argument can't see him suggesting we ask Mumsnet for views again for a while

So yes to a few school parties, until it's clear who her good friends are going to be.

I understand where you are coming from, if there are 30 children in a class that's a lot of parties and weekend family time.

I do think YABU though. Parties are a real focus for children in the early school years and you risk your DD feeling out of the loop if you make a complete ban. Whole class parties are common, but not everyone does them. Nor does everyone attend each and every party. We only accept the ones which don't clash with our family plans.

I would just play it by ear and accept just the ones you feel able to go to. Also, DS had an all class party last year, but hasn't been invited to each and every party of people who attended. It's not a problem, if you don't make a big deal out of it they won't.

It does sound as if you are having difficulty accepting this new phase of her life. It might be worth thinking about why that might be. Why are school friends not going to be as (more) important as nursery friends. She doesn't have to go to every party - if you have plans, she really doesn't like them etc. Fair enough in yr 1 upwards to just go to parties for her friends but the big party phase will be over then.

Oh and also very reassuring to know that there may not be loads of parties anyway, and that it's not obligatory to invite everyone whose party DD has attended.

I have been called both weird and worthy on MN before now, but I'm not the carrot sticks in party bag mum, honest!

We found that the whole-class parties were only given by about five or six children per class, and they tailed off considerably after Y2.

Dd1's birthday is in early October and she was the first of her cohort to have a party - we invited all the girls in the class. It was a handy way to get to meet and know the other parents and was great for dd1's social confidence.

YANBU not to go to every party but I think YABU to deny your dd the chance to go to any. Seems like a recipe for resentment to me.

YABVU!!!

Basically you and your DH can't be bothered with parties so you have decided that she won't go to any (although you are asking advice).

Shocking. Its not about what you want, its about your DD. She will want to go to parties, its natural. FGS, so they serve party food. Big deal, get over it and allow her to indulge in some junk food once in a while, its not going to hurt her if she isn't eating fruit and veg all the bloody time. Sorry but this 'party food is so rubbish' stuff really pisses me off, its not going to do them any harm.

There is a child in DS's class that never ever gets to go to parties. There have only been about 3 class parties in the year but it is noticed by the parents that this child is never allowed to go. Its not for your reasons, more like they just don't bother. Its the child that misses out mixing with his peers. He has a tough enough time in class because he isn't well behaved a lot of the time and the other children know this and a lot of them steer clear. Its a shame that his parents don't make an effort for him outside of school.

I agree with another poster that you shouldn't assume she will be getting invited to loads of parties. DS's class has had 3 class ones with the others having smaller ones. Some he has been invited to, some he hasn't. He hasn't had many over the year but then 4 came at once and was every Sunday for a month, but do you know what, we took him because his friends wanted him there and he wanted to go so we done what was in his best interest, not pick choose what was convenient for us and lied about doing 'family stuff'. That can be done anytime.

I can see why that might put you off a bit - we've always done our own parties, never had people looking down on us, in fact they always say they wish they felt able to do their own parties. Pumpkin carving sounds great by the way. I think that he was unlucky. We live in leafyville and although some parties are more expensive than others the children don't seem to care at this age - I can believe that by 9/10 there might be more awareness. By that stage you can just take the stance of just going to friend's parties.

If you're wanting to plan a great party look on the parties and celebrations board - they have loads of great ideas.

I only remember one whole class party in three dc-and that was a joint between four children.

Dd1 got invited to nearly every party in year R-2. But not everyone has parties, some are joint, so we're talking about perhaps 15-20 2 hour slots in a year. That's say 40 hours. Not even two full days.

Dd2 got dropped off the party list in year R. There were a couple of reasons for this, but the main one was there was a child with similar name, who for some reason a lot of the children called both by the same name. I only discovered this when towards the end of year 1 I had 6, yes 6! Parents come up and apologise because the invitation had gone to the wrong one, and they hadn't realised until the other child turned up.
Because she'd got off the party list though, she did get forgotten, because the parents didn't see her at parties, so when they were making lists she wasn't at the last party to remind them. It did actually effect dd2 socially, although naturally she is much more sociable than dd1. It's only now in year 5 that she's coming through this really.

When my dts started school I did a whole class party. Actually it was both the classes because they were in separate classes

I only did a whole class party then because their birthday was at the start of term and no-one had had a chance to gel into friendships at that point.

Whole class parties are not something that continues throughout school. No way could I have kept that up every year!

It's nice for children to attend parties though. If one comes along that doesn't fit in round what you are doing then politely decline.

I CANNOT br the only one who's desperate to know what format family time will take while the party is going on?

Chaos I would like to know that too. What is soo important that can't wait!

Glad you've accepted this one. I hope she has a great time. :)

I'm pleased you have took all the advice given on board op. I hope your dd has a wonderful time at her friends party :)

I can't stand going to kiddie parties but my DC love them, so this is our stance:
-accept ones on days where we aren't busy with planned things, we don't decline for no reason
-don't feel bad for declining if genuinely busy that day
-always accept or decline RSVP as soon as possible, never mess the party-parent around
-£5 limit on present we take (unless it's family/family friends)
-our parties are based on what we want/can afford, NOT based on what others have done or might expect

Glad to hear that you have over-ruled your meanie party pooper DH, OP.

Parties matter to littlies and are your best opportunity to get to know some other parents. I say yes to any my DC are invited to unless we are actually away.

I agree with Lexie, surely it is better to take it in a party by party basis than have a blanket ban OP. My DS is invited to numerous parties, we accept some invitations and decline others due to prior engagements. It's not rocket science.