Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About school birthday parties?

174 replies

UnexpectedStepmum · 18/09/2013 21:23

DD1 has just started school, and got her first birthday party invitation where the whole class is invited. DH and I have discussed this and agreed we want to limit the amount of party invitations we accept, for a range of reasons. We don't want to spend nearly every weekend going to a party as it eats into family time and stops them being special; there is always lots of rubbish food involved as well all the tat that comes back in party bags; and we don't want to get into competitive party giving (I have already heard one playground conversation about hiring venues, entertainers etc).

DH now thinks we should decline all school party invitations, and say that we don't do parties as we go away a lot. We will have a party for our DDs' birthdays which are around the same time, and invite DD1's good friends from nursery etc., plus anyone from school she seems particularly friendly with by then. Her school is a little way away from home and she didn't know anyone when she started there. I am concerned about whether this means she will miss out socially at school, and wonder if we should accept at least this one invitation and add this child to those who come to DD's party. DH suggested asking Mumsnetters for views - do you think we ABU to cut out all school birthday parties at least for this year? (We will still go to ones for friends she has known longer and is close to). Will she be missing out?

OP posts:
BoundandRebound · 18/09/2013 22:38

That is one of the worst plans I've ever heard

And I've heard a few ridiculous things in my timr

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 18/09/2013 22:39

Oh, and there is one boy in DC1's class who gets excited by parties but has never, ever gone to one (and no one knows why) and, DCs1+2 both have Autumn birthdays and it has only been one whole class "do" for DC1 then girls only last year (by her request) and, only one week after they start full days and two after meeting the full class, I am about to throw a full-class party but on taditional lines, just a larger scale. Tbh, dreading it a bit, but it will be a good chance to see the new children, meet parents, etc. etc..

Moxiegirl · 18/09/2013 22:39

Miserable sods!

SetFiretotheRain · 18/09/2013 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mimitwo · 18/09/2013 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuckwittery · 18/09/2013 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeadfirstForHalos · 18/09/2013 22:50

Yes she will be missing out. You may not want to go but your dd will, she will love the food, seeing her friends and getting plasticky tat. It's about her, not you, and seeing as this is AIBU and uou wanted opinions, I think you both sound really selfish and a bit miserable.

The reception year party fest doesn't last. Let her enjoy it and cement friendships while she can.

HeadfirstForHalos · 18/09/2013 22:51

It certainly wont be 30 parties either. About one per half term on average, though you sometimes get a cluster of several close together and then none for months!

Wuldric · 18/09/2013 22:52

Were you born miserable?

Or have you got that way by practising hard in front of a mirror?

wingardiumoffthesofa · 18/09/2013 22:53

It can be hard when you leave the lovely environment of nursery and enter into the sometimes scary and wider-ranging environment of school but to be honest, forget what's gone before. Scary or not, school is now what it's about, and school is what it's going to be about for the next 7-8 years and it's important you embrace that, understand that and get it right for you and your kids.

Starting out your DD1's school journey with a blanket ban on parties seems negative and unfair in the extreme. It seems to show a complete misunderstanding of school - particularly the early years - finding friends, interacting with both kids and parents and learning to socialise is all about. Please don't do it. If you and your DH have socialising issues as I assume you do from your decision, it's even more important not to pass them on to your children.

whois · 18/09/2013 22:55

Wow OP I really home your social skills in real life are are a lot better than your 'we don't do parties' idea!

Sounds a fantastic way to isolate your DD and have her miss out.

I don't understand why you don't want your DD to have fun? Very strange. And one meal of crap isn't going to kill her.

Some kids have strange parents.

HeadfirstForHalos · 18/09/2013 22:59

"Scary or not, school is now what it's about, and school is what it's going to be about for the next 7-8 years and it's important you embrace that, understand that and get it right for you and your kids."

Yeah this, pus totally agree about the start to reception being really negative with the ban.

Before you know it weekends are eaten up with homework.

Although my weekend is entirely taken up with my dd1's 11th birthday sleepover. 8 10/11 yr old girls! You've got all of this to come yet OP!

Balaboosta · 18/09/2013 23:02

You're wierd. Don't you want to get to know other parents just a tiny bit? Does the word 'community' mean nothing to you? Talk about living the Thatcherite dream - there is no such thing as society....

pigletmania · 18/09/2013 23:06

Yabvu just sck it up and let her go tothe parties, they Peter out once kids get older

DevonLodger · 18/09/2013 23:19

My daughter just started in reception and brought home her first party invitation today. I think I'm more excited about it than her. I rspv'd straightaway. I'm so worried about her not making friends (I was bullied at school). I think parties are a great way of building on friendships, showing other children that they are important and their birthday matters and meeting other parents. Why would you want to stop your child going? What's not to like about a party?

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 18/09/2013 23:30

yabu

i loved the 1st all class parties as it was a great way to meet other parents (i was new to area / pfb)

it was also really lovely to see how my child interacted with the other children. i have such fond memories of watching him try to play football with the other children and joining in with all the cheering when the sausages and chips arrived :)

I still feel it is a privilege for my children to be invited to another child's party and where we can't make a party because of other commitments i always send along a small gift with out apologies.

Sixtiesqueen · 18/09/2013 23:37

Our school tends towards whole class parties and they get bigger all the time. It begins with the local soft play but escalates to us driving all round the county dropping off at venues.

Sometimes it's such a lovely day and we would prefer to go out as a family.

I would decline some and accept others. We've had six invitations in the last two weeks, we can't possibly afford the money or time for these but I wouldn't have a blanket 'no party' rule either.

I tell you what does get my goat though.....money saving 'three way' parties with three children where the parents have saved 2/3 of the cost of the party but I have to spend three times the amount of money on presents, usually for two children my kids don't play with. Now that really pisses me off! Invite the parents to buy one present and share them out.

fuzzpig · 18/09/2013 23:38

We don't accept all invites, but DD does go to them when it is easy to do so.

Some are automatically ruled out due to venue if it's somewhere we can't get to by public transport.

I have also had to decline a few due to my health if DH is not around to take her, but sometimes one of DD's friends will give her a lift which is great.

We've never really discussed it explicitly but I think our rule is if it's easily managed without too much stress, she goes. I'd say she goes to around two thirds and she is perfectly happy with that.

Have to say I'm glad lots of other people here have said it's not compulsory to accept all invites.

But yeah, YWBVU to refuse all invites, and I say that as a sufferer of social anxiety (ie parties are hell on earth for me, as is the school run stuff etc)

BrandyAlexander · 18/09/2013 23:38

Wow. I can't believe your dh actually thought this was a good idea and that you would go along with it.Shock Dd brought home her first invite. She is soooo excited. As am I because I want her to fit in and be happy.

fuzzpig · 18/09/2013 23:40

And obviously junk food and parry bag shite is all part of the fun! Totally harmless in the grand scheme of things.

Lilacroses · 18/09/2013 23:49

Honestly, if you say you "don't do parties" people will think it's odd and will wonder why. They might also think it's a bit rude of you. Also your dd may get invited to loads but may only get invited to a few. No need to break your neck to attend every party but it's anti social and strange for your dd to say no to all.

Still18atheart · 18/09/2013 23:54

YABU

Firstly because you are being very presumptuous of the amount of parties she will be invited to.

Secondly, friendships aren't just made in the playground but are also strengthened at things like parties, and play an important part in a child's social development.

ll31 · 19/09/2013 00:05

You sound v selfish to me op,you should,I think,be encouraging your daughter to make friends,have fun,not trying to ensure your precious life isn't affected by your children. You say u want family time, so a two hr party is going to destroy that?? Be honest at least about your reasons.

DisAstrophe · 19/09/2013 08:03

As someone about to hand out invitations to my dd's reception class I think you Abu. I wouldn't normally invite so many but I didn't want anyone to feel left out in their first weeks of school.

If you aren't going to let your dd go then please promptly let the inviting mum know with a gentle white lie about other plans.. And if you decline early enough the mum can quickly invite another child if she wants to make up the numbers

Lovecat · 19/09/2013 08:28

Please don't do this. Your dd will miss out and be 'marked' by the others as the child that doesn't go to parties. There was a girl in DD's class (who has gone to another school as ours wasn't sufficiently 'rigourous' for her) who never came to parties, never rsvped either - I bumped into her mother once when the invites had gone out and said 'oh, I'm glad I've seen you, is xxx going to be able to come to DD's party?'

She gave me a deathstare and said 'My daughter doesn't have time for that sort of nonsense!' I was ShockShockShock

According to DD, her daughter was always really upset that she wasn't allowed to go to parties.