About school birthday parties?

[UnexpectedStepmum]

DD1 has just started school, and got her first birthday party invitation where the whole class is invited. DH and I have discussed this and agreed we want to limit the amount of party invitations we accept, for a range of reasons. We don't want to spend nearly every weekend going to a party as it eats into family time and stops them being special; there is always lots of rubbish food involved as well all the tat that comes back in party bags; and we don't want to get into competitive party giving (I have already heard one playground conversation about hiring venues, entertainers etc).

DH now thinks we should decline all school party invitations, and say that we don't do parties as we go away a lot. We will have a party for our DDs' birthdays which are around the same time, and invite DD1's good friends from nursery etc., plus anyone from school she seems particularly friendly with by then. Her school is a little way away from home and she didn't know anyone when she started there. I am concerned about whether this means she will miss out socially at school, and wonder if we should accept at least this one invitation and add this child to those who come to DD's party. DH suggested asking Mumsnetters for views - do you think we ABU to cut out all school birthday parties at least for this year? (We will still go to ones for friends she has known longer and is close to). Will she be missing out?

I am an introvert too and was worried that every weekend would be taken up with children's parties in reception. The truth is that DD probably went to about 7 or 8 parties last year (many of which were joint between 2 or 3 children) and she does absolutely love them. I did refuse a couple of invitations (including, unfortunately, her best friend who's birthday was while we were on holiday) but I generally accepted them. I also found by the time she was 5 she was reasonably happy to go the the parties on her own so no need for me or DH to hang around feeling awkward.

DD had a joint party for her birthday and we all had a blast :)

Ds1 has been invited to the same group of children's parties from Reception onwards, with the odd extra one thrown in. In 3 years we have only been to 2 whole class parties from his class. Ds2 was invited to 2 parties during his whole reception year, one was because it was a joint party with the older brother, who is friends with ds1 and one whole class party. I would do as you have done now, go to the ones you can make and refuse the ones you are busy for.
I have only ever done parties for small numbers.

I'm so glad I read the whole thread, I was about to post that you are quite mad.

It's one party invitation. Please tell your DH, and yourself to relax.
If you have plans, you just say, "sorry we are busy but thanks for the invite"
If you have no specific plans, you accept and take your dd.

She will have fun. Yes, she will eat cake and crisps. She will bring home a party bag. That's what 5 year olds like

You don't have to like it. You just have to do it.

As she gets older, there will be things she wants to do. Clubs, activities, playing with friends.
You cannot stop her doing this because it will use up your family time, because honestly, it's not about you.

Going to a couple of whole class parties will also give you the chance to get to know other parents away from the school gate.
Which in turn will make it easier when your DD starts wanting to go and play with her friends (without you) after school.

IME reception year is a a year of fluid friendships for children and parents - after that it all settles down a bit. It's like when you first start a new job and you have to make the effort to go on a couple of team lunches and evenings out because it is a good way of becoming part of the team.

I can see why your DH feels that way, if that's his past experience. But his solution is not the right one and hopefully he will see that now. It would be punishing your DD for something that's nothing to do with her.

What is the solution, if it does get like that? Grow a thick skin. Be inventive with your parties. Don't get into big discussions with other parents about them. Invite selected friends.

I think children's parties fall under the category of "things we don't like doing but put up with for the sake of our child's happiness".

Thankfully they're only little for a few years and then they'll be all grown up and won't want to go to kid's parties any more.

Glad you've revised your stance. I think you're doing the right thing.

Maybe my DC's are antisocial but DS1 and DS2 got invited to 2 parties each during their reception year, then DS1 got 1 party invite in year 1 and 1 in year 2. Unless your DD is really popular then she won't be invited to a party every weekend.

Well done OP, hope she really enjoys it :)

It's likely this parent is doing whole class because it's so early on on term- it's either that or ignore the school completely and invite historic friends only.

Thetefore i think your dh is worrying unnecessarily. If people are really going to stand around judging kids parties then they are dicks and not worthy of further attention. The kids don't care so long as there's cake and balloons IME.

If you let it be known you don't 'do parties' people will probably assume you are JWs and avoid you like the plague.

We definitely found that last year (reception) there were a few whole class parties in the autumn and first half of spring term. By Easter the parties became more select. DD1's party in January we invited about 12 of her friends, no way a whole class party, we're not rich enough!

Having said all that, she's got three parties on weekends in a row at the moment. Party 2 is this weekend...

Yes, I think you are really unreasonable. If your DD doesn't want to go to parties that's one thing. If you don't want to hold a large party, fine - nobody expects a reciprocal invitation. But you are pretty U to deny your DD all the parties and fun times bc YOU don't like it.
By the way, don't get hung up on "good friends from nursery". She is 4, right? not really an age to make lifelong friendships. Most will be long forgotten once your DD gets into the swing of school.

I've only ever encountered one whole class party. But that's maybe because we have two form entry.

DD never got invited to loads of parties - probably 5 or 6 a year - usually from the dc she played with at the time. She'd be really angry with me if I didn't let her go. She'd accept it if we were going away or something though.

Certainly by year 1 mine had fairly strong preferences for who she wanted to come. She's year 3 now and we probably avoid booking things if we know it's her good friend's birthday. Your dd is young now, but it won't be long before she wants to do things with her friends - you can't really deny it because of the odd sugary biscuit. It's their social life.

Another one worth remembering OP is the DCs who have birthdays a the start of the year are more likely to have whole class parties, because their parents probably had to think about what they were going to do for this birthday a couple of weeks ago, when their DC had just started school and they didn't know yet who would be their DC's friends (particularly if their DC didn't go to a pre-school or nursery with a lot of their school class). You might find the DCs who's birthdays are after Christmas are less likely to have whole class parties, as their parents have a better idea about who their DC plays with and just invite them.

As others have said, it's good for her to go along at this time of year when she's first settling in.

OP you could just let your daughter go to most of the parties. She's a child, you cant apply adult logic to her in this kind of scenario.

When my 2 were very young there were Saturday morningss Id be lying in bed, in an irritated cant be asked mood..the whole thing of getting them ready for party, actually getting there, or have I remembered to get the present & card etc..but, I still got up and did it. Never mind my cant be bothered mood, its all part of childrens' social life (just as important for them to have one, as it is for us) and thats what I thought about.

It doesnt matter about other competitive parents and their party styles. No obligation to follow is there, just stick to what you prefer. & If your DD doesnt go to other's parties then nobody will come to hers and she will be upset anyway. Children are just as sensitive to that kind of thing as adults can be. The whole parties thing dies down after a while anyway as children grow older & more selective. But right now its about your daughter going to fun events. Youll have enough family time in between all that.

Glad you have rethought this Op. There is really no need to have a Standard Operating Procedure for parties. Ad-hoc is definitely the way to go.

Yes she will go to parties or any which are not in the leisure centre or involve pampering anyway

But if she doesn't go to someone's party they won't go to hers, really? There are parents this petty? and you all think I'm the weird one

No idea why that came up three times!

Glad you have reconsidered.
Some schools have whole class parties a lot - mine certainly do in R and Y1 and others pair up with a friend and still have the whole class even later than that.

I don't get the "if you don't go to their party they won't come to yours" argument at all. My DC have whole class parties because I am mad and like doing them. Lots of their friends don't have parties at all, or have small parties/treats which may or may not include my DC.

It doesn't seem to stop them all coming to ours apart from the one rude parent who never even bothers replying to the bloody invitation in the first place - in fact, I wish it would, as we tend to have a 90+% attendance and this year that would be slightly more DC than I can deal with, but I don't want to exclude a few, so I am just crossing everything that some can't make it.

hurrah! mini-unexpected can go to the party! hope she has lots of fun!

i am quite introverted, but i love seeing how much the DC enjoy parties, every aspect of it is pure pleasure for them. And they are so excited that they usually go to sleep early that evening which is a bonus. It's generally only a couple of hours out of the weekend. One parent takes child to party while other parent gets any errands/jobs done or has a bit of time to themself. Fits in to a family weekend easily .

Yes Bumble and I can predict who will get to take DCs to the party and who will find urgent DIY to do. Oh well, enough parties and the spare room might finally be re-decorated

good point, unexpected. actually going to the parties isn't so bad, you usually get some coffee and snacks :)

At least you're sounding positive about it now

Ignore any competetive party parents, it's not really worth getting into all that. Have what party you/your dd want and can afford/can be bothered to do. If it's not good enough for some then, well, sod them!

They won't decline invites if you just can't make it to little izzie's party, but if you 'say that we don't do parties as we go away a lot', but then expect them to all come to dd's party they might feel that if you can't make the effort for their child then they might not rearrange their plans. I would change plans if it didn't make an overall difference to our lives so going to see FIL on Sun instead of Sat so that my child could go to a good friend's party, but I would be less inclined to if a parent had told everyone that they weren't going to send their child to any parties, but then expected everyone to come to theirs.

I wouldn't sit there with a list to make sure it was fair, only accepting if they had been to our party- but if you had given that as your reason for not coming it would probably lodge in my mind and so I would be less likely to make the effort. And sometimes it is an effort - with 3 dc one might have a class to go to, another one at a different party on the other side of town, or on a Friday night dd go to their dance class, I have let them miss it for parties occasionally, but I would be less likely to if you never bothered with anyone else's parties. It's not the not coming, rather your reason for not coming that would make me less likely to put myself out if it made my life more complicated.

Just let her go to her friend' parties and invite who you want to yours. There is no need to reciprocate- leave it to DD to decide.