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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About school birthday parties?

174 replies

UnexpectedStepmum · 18/09/2013 21:23

DD1 has just started school, and got her first birthday party invitation where the whole class is invited. DH and I have discussed this and agreed we want to limit the amount of party invitations we accept, for a range of reasons. We don't want to spend nearly every weekend going to a party as it eats into family time and stops them being special; there is always lots of rubbish food involved as well all the tat that comes back in party bags; and we don't want to get into competitive party giving (I have already heard one playground conversation about hiring venues, entertainers etc).

DH now thinks we should decline all school party invitations, and say that we don't do parties as we go away a lot. We will have a party for our DDs' birthdays which are around the same time, and invite DD1's good friends from nursery etc., plus anyone from school she seems particularly friendly with by then. Her school is a little way away from home and she didn't know anyone when she started there. I am concerned about whether this means she will miss out socially at school, and wonder if we should accept at least this one invitation and add this child to those who come to DD's party. DH suggested asking Mumsnetters for views - do you think we ABU to cut out all school birthday parties at least for this year? (We will still go to ones for friends she has known longer and is close to). Will she be missing out?

OP posts:
UniS · 18/09/2013 22:05

Take DD to parties that are on days that suit, don't take her to parties on days that don't suit. Its not hard. It's what every one does. Invite who you want to invite to your own party. There is no Rule that says you must invite everyone who's party you have been to.

Hulababy · 18/09/2013 22:11

What does your dd think about it all?
Will she be fine hearing about parties and being invited to parties but never being allowed to go?

Your reasons seem very self centred and somewhat dismissive other parents feel are appropriate for their children.

Even if your dd went to all 29 parents (assuming class of 30) - well that is 30 days out of the year where she might eat party food - and actually not all of it is rubbish and even children are allowed a bit of 'junk' every so often you know! As for the plastic tat - IME children love that plastic tat!!!

And it won't be every weekend - not all will have whole class parties and even if smaller parties there's not much chance your dd will be invited I every single one.

I would reconsider. Parties are really important to you when you are 4 or 5. And is one year of lots of parties really so bad? Especially for the benefit of your child?

MidniteScribbler · 18/09/2013 22:12

Just because some people choose to have whole class parties, does not mean you need to. Nor are you under any obligation to make her party bigger and better than anyone elses. And there is no need to reciprocate invitations. I have no intention of having any whole class parties (I deal with 30 kids all day at work, not interested in doing it on the weekend as well!), DS will be allowed to invite a few friends to somewhere. But invitations to parties are quite a big deal for most children, and not allowing your child to ever go to any parties is actually pretty unfair. Weekends are not always going to be just family time. Your daughter will get older, and start having an opinion on what she wants to do on weekends, whether it be a sport or playing with friends, and her choices are equally as valid. You can make time for family time, sport time, friend time and even alone time. It's not an all or nothing issue.

I think you're overthinking it a bit. It's just a kids birthday party, not an invitation to see the Queen. If you have plans, send a polite decline. If you're free, let the kid go play with her friends.

BrianTheMole · 18/09/2013 22:13

We did a september party for a whole class of children that we didn't really know yet. I was bricking it in case no one turned up. But they all did and it was brilliant. It was great to meet the parents and it was lovely for the kids.

MerylStrop · 18/09/2013 22:15

Yes, she will be missing out.

Social suicide, tbh.

Just go to the ones 1. she wants to go to and 2. are convenient.

wimblehorse · 18/09/2013 22:15

will she be missing out?
Well, yes if you are doing nothing else.
Surely the invitations only come out a couple of weeks before, so if you already have plans, it doesn't fit in with the rest of your weekend, you feel like you need some family time or if dd won't enjoy the activity you politely decline. If you can make it & she wants to go, you accept. Sounds like a lot of overthrowing here...

alpinemeadow · 18/09/2013 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wimblehorse · 18/09/2013 22:16

Overthrowing = overthinking
Wtf is overthrowing?

reddaisy · 18/09/2013 22:17

Don't be mean and selfish. Your daughter will love parties and she only gets one childhood.

CockBollocks · 18/09/2013 22:17

Yabu, did you ask your daughter if she wants to go?

Acinonyx · 18/09/2013 22:17

You, and especially your dh, are lacking in social intelligence. If you don't want the same for your dd - let her go. Some people do class parties - it's not obligotary to do the same.

3birthdaybunnies · 18/09/2013 22:20

Also you don't always know how close your dd is to a child - one child we invited to dd2's birthday party I had hardly heard of because I was asking about the names I had heard of or I already knew - actually they were becoming best friends and we heard no other names for the next 6 months.

Ds is having a party - his 4th, one of his closer friends can't come (closer I think in his mind than hers) for entirely reasonable reasons - doesn't mean that he isn't sad that she isn't coming - you are assuming that your dd is part of the invited masses whereas she could be seen as a potential good friend by the party boy/girl and one who would have been invited even if there were only 6 guests.

123Jump · 18/09/2013 22:20

Were you never 4 OP? Did you never go to a party? And look forward to it with such excitement? And adore the tat? And revel in eating mounds of goo, which never made you sick? And just enjoy playing with your friends and celebrating their birthday?
I think you sound very selfish. It is all about you, and your weekend. It sounds as though you and DH can't be bothered/don't like (have forgotten about) parties. Unclench a bit fgs.

Kids are meant to be kids, she'll be grown up soon enough.
(You also sound a bit superior in how you feel about other parents)!

Karoleann · 18/09/2013 22:23

We probably go to about half (usually people ds' have mentioned) as long as we don't already have plans. I think most parents hope that not all the children will come anyway.
They sometimes fill a hole in a wet rainy weekend day!

tanfastic · 18/09/2013 22:24

If you do decide not to go, please let the parents know, it's so annoying when they don't. Hmm

I would let her go. My ds has gone to every single one he's been invited to in reception which was about six out of a class of thirty, in one year. Really is that too much? Kids love parties, she really will be missing out.

For what it's worth my ds loves the food at parties and the tat in the party bags. It's not about you, it's about them.

This year he won't get as many invites because the girls start having girly build-a-bear parties and the like (no boys allowed).

Oblomov · 18/09/2013 22:25

Please don't do this.
Just let her go to all the parties that she is invited to.

  1. I bet you, the number of invites she gets, will be alot less than you imagine.
  2. You are under no obligation to return the favour of inviting them to her party. Just give a present, and that is end. 3)She will miss out socially. On the enjoyment at the time, the chatting about it afterwards, the inclusion, and she might just meet a girl, that she might not have mixed with very much before, who turn out to be her best friend, for al you know.
  3. they diminish to far less invites in year 1 5)Old nursery friends diminish in importance. She is going to spend 5 days a week, for the next 7 years with these people.

Shall I go on?

alpinemeadow · 18/09/2013 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

treas · 18/09/2013 22:29

To be honest if you reject all the party invites you are sent others will soon cotton on and they won't bother to invite your dd at all.

It is only competitive party giving if you buy into it. I've always held "old fashioned" parties at my home and the kids have enjoyed them equally as much or even more than the all singing and dancing ones other children have had.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 18/09/2013 22:30

In my experience, Reception is the maddest year for them and then it tails off, as friendship groups are formed and only girl/boy parties start happening. I don't especially enjoy them, but I think they are good occasions for the children to mix socially with each other and, also, to get-to-know the parents. YAB a little U, both of you will benefit.

Scarletbanner · 18/09/2013 22:30

So maybe 29 out of the 30 children in her class will have been to this party and your dd won't, because of your and dh's issues? How to make it hard for her!

Primrose123 · 18/09/2013 22:31

This is an awful idea. Let her go if she wants to go, unless you really can't make it. She will make new friends, and you will get to know the other parents.

I think if you go along with this idea, you will be known as 'those' parents, which will not help your DD at all.

LingDiLong · 18/09/2013 22:33

Chill out! You've had ONE party invitation and you're already flapping about junk food, party bag tat and family time being eroded. Just take it invitation by invitation. If you're planning something that weekend then decline the invitation, if you've nothing much on and the weather's crap you might be grateful for a few hours spent at a party on a weekend. It's a massive over reaction to decide some sort of 'strategy' for managing parties at this early stage. You might not even get that many invitations!

Squitten · 18/09/2013 22:33

Crikey - are they inviting your DD or you?! The "rubbish food" and the "tat" are the point of kid parties - a fun couple of hours where all the usual rules don't apply! She'll love it.

Fair enough if you have other plans but I think you are woefully naive if you think your DD won't quickly realise that she's missing out. No need for such draconian measures after the first invitation!!

Charlottehere · 18/09/2013 22:34

You sound a bundle of laughsHmm it ain't about you.

clippityclop · 18/09/2013 22:37

I agree with WipsGlitter. It's nice to be invited, so go, be pleasant, you might make new friends yourself.