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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister's affair

155 replies

madasa · 18/09/2013 08:35

Hi am hoping for some advice so that I don't start a massive fallout with my sister.
Background which I will try to keep brief:
My sister has been with her DP for 20 years. Two children age 12 and 15.

They have always seemed to have a solid and happy relationship.
About a year ago things started to change. They were arguing a lot and she told me he was not wanting her to go out etc. etc. and she wasn't going to live like that.

A man's name was dropped into the conversation several times and suspicions began to form in my mind.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. She has bought a new house with inheritance from my dear dad who died two years ago.

Flowers from this man (a work colleague) turned up at the house even though he was living with his partner.

Suffice to say she told me a couple of weeks ago that she had met someone. To her surprise I told her I already knew, told her his name and told her that in my opinion it had been going on for a lot longer ie. whilst she was still with her DP.

I know that it is none of my business and have agreed not to discuss the situation but that I am not a fool and that none of what she is saying adds up.

Now I have the situation re Xmas. We are staying at home and I have told her she and the children are more than welcome.

She has just asked if this man can come too. AIBU to not want to share my Xmas with this man that was cheating on his own partner whilst my sister was cheating on hers? I just cannot sit there playing happy families.

My sister has lied to me and also to her DP.
It's not the fact that she has someone else....relationships break up, life goes on. It's all the lies and deceit that have been going on.

Any ideas on how to reply to the text asking if he can come? (without using the words cheating and bastard!)
I don't want to fall out with her and I love her dearly but I just don't recognise her at the moment.

Thanks for any help

OP posts:
vj32 · 18/09/2013 08:40

Wow. I think you need to tell her its too early to be playing happy families with her new bloke. How will her children feel if he is with them on Christmas Day??

BrokenSunglasses · 18/09/2013 08:42

I'd just say that you aren't comfortable with having him there on Christmas Day.

Has he properly split with his partner now and are they together as a couple?

I think if they are, you will need to accept him at some point because your sister has made a choice to be with him. Don't judge too much in a situation you only know the basics of. These things are never that simple.

CocacolaMum · 18/09/2013 08:43

take a step back and ask yourself 1 question; is this worth losing a relationship with your sister over or can you recognise that adults fuck right up occasionally and you just need to move on?

I am not saying she was right to do what she did, but things aren't always black and white

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 08:44

Thank you for your response, I need to know if I'm just up on some moral high horse at the moment.

If she had met him since she split with her DP then of course he would be welcome. I'm not saying it would be easy but there would not be this background of lies and deceit.

I'm not sure she's even thought about the children tbh.

I spoke to her ex DP last night. He phoned about some tiles he had for us and we ended up talking for an hour. He has been part of our family for 20 years and to see what she has done to him breaks my heart.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 18/09/2013 08:45

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Personally, I would put my own relationship with my sister first but try to get to know him a little before Christmas.

FastWindow · 18/09/2013 08:45

Much too early. Your sister should be introducing him to you in an adult setting a few times first. Do you support her, situation wise? Rather than judging (not meant in an accusatory way!)

Wishfulmakeupping · 18/09/2013 08:46

Agree with vj

HangingGardenofBabbysBum · 18/09/2013 08:48

I think you need to talk to your sister about what will be best for her DC at Christmas. I think they should be the priority.

If they are already ok with this new guy, whatever your feelings, I think you should welcome him in.

If not, then you have the right to veto.

They are old enough for you and your sister to talk to them about what they would be comfortable with.

Try and look past the lying. We all do terrible things in the pursuit of happiness.

HooverFairy · 18/09/2013 08:51

Difficult one - do you have a good relationship with her ex DP? Is Xmas dinner something you would have done with her and her ex DP and children? If so then I think it's fine to tell her it's a bit soon, but as BrokenSunglasses has said, if they choose to be together then you're probably going to have to accept it sooner rather than later.

I'd probably say that Xmas is too soon but that you would like to get to know him (even if you don't, the relationship with your sister isn't worth ruining over him) so could you maybe have a get together after New Year? That way you are showing willing but not having him as part of the furniture after five minutes.

FWIW I think your sister and this man have been despicable, there are other ways of going about leaving a partner without cheating. I hope her children are ok.

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 08:53

FastWindow I support her in that she's my sister and I love her and will always be there for her.

I'm trying not to judge as like other posters have said, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I just can't get past all the lies at the moment.

She has sat and bare faced lied to my face.

I was thinking if I maybe text something along the lines of " sorry but given all that's gone on over the last few months I am not quite ready for that. Hope you understand"

Does that sound okay?

OP posts:
elcranko · 18/09/2013 08:53

Is the OM no longer with his partner either? If he's still with her then I definitely wouldn't be happy about having him in my house. But if they have both left their partners and are properly together now as a couple then I think that you should think about letting him come for Christmas, as he is now your sister's partner. I understand that it will take some time to get used to the new situation, as a pp suggested- maybe try to get to know him a bit before Christmas?

wannaBe · 18/09/2013 08:56

if they are together now then yabu.

You have no idea what goes on in someone else's relationship, and while judgement of any affair is understandable, fact is they are no longer with their respective partners and are together. If you would be happy to host someone your sister had met after her split then this is no different - because you actually have no idea of the circumstances of her previous relationship or even what caused the split.

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 08:57

Hooverfairy I have an amazing relationship with her ex DP. He is like a brother to me and is a fantastic uncle to my daughter. We have always spent Xmas day all together.

I take on board what lots of posters have said that if she has decided to be with him then I will at some point have to accept it. I just can't at the moment.....I can't get my head round it all.

OP posts:
gnittinggnome · 18/09/2013 08:58

My sister has done something similar - had an affair and refused to give up the boyfriend even when her husband was threatening to divorce her, but now he's serious about leaving she's decided she wants him back, all the while racketing between the one and the other - it's all very grim and messy.

In response to you OP, I would not be able to pretend that she hadn't lied to everyone about it, persistently, and then when found out decided that she was the victim and we all had to accept her new boyfriend as if she'd never been married and isn't, in fact, still married to a man we all accepted into our family. I would talk to her and suggest that you don't want him there for Christmas day, how would her kids feel, etc etc. If you're not outwardly pissed off you might be able to save your friendship with her, just be reasonable and warm. Good luck - after the latest round of hysterical bs from my own sister I wish we'd said something to her sooner.

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 09:02

Sorry you have experienced something similar gnittinggnome

I am sitting on my hands at the moment until I can text back something reasonable....hence posting on here :)

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 18/09/2013 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe · 18/09/2013 09:14

do you actually know why your sister and her dp split up though?

And while I understand that you have previously welcomed your sister's dp into your home, this is actually her relationship, not yours, iyswim.

No-one is preventing you from having a relationship with your ex bil, but fact is that things have changed. You used to spend Christmases together but this is no longer the case because he and your dsis are no longer together. You wouldn't be having him over for Christmas this year, because even if your dsis wasn't with someone else that would be crass and wrong.

Relationship break-ups are never nice, but people have to move on from them and that includes all family.

By casting your judgements in the form of telling your sister her new dp is not welcome for Christmas you will do your relationship with her no favours.

How your sister and dp got together is now irrelevant - they are together and at some point you need to accept this, especially if the dc are accepting of it.

I have been there where family have taken more of my xh's side than mine (different circumstances) and all it did was to drive me further away from them, because actually, they had no idea of my relationship, and neither should I have had to justify it to them because they are family.

As I said different circumstances, but I was still judged, and IMO while you don't have to agree with someone's decisions if you love them then you do have to look past that sometimes.

AlfalfaMum · 18/09/2013 09:19

I'd feel the same.
Text back something honest but non-accusatory.. something along the lines of "I don't feel comfortable sharing such an intimate family time with your fancyman new beau just yet. I hope you will still come though xxx"
She may insist that she wants to spend Christmas day with him, in which case I would suggest she spends some of it with him and some of it at your place.

Fozziebearmum2be · 18/09/2013 09:28

Completely agree with Wannabe, have also been in a circumstance whereby I split from a long term partner (8yrs). He was abusive, but lovely to parents faces that everyone thought I was mad to leave him (doubt they really believed he was so awful to me....).

When I brought new partner on the scene (granted v quickly after separation-awful rebound & big mistake) I'm sure they assumed I'd had an affair (I hadn't) and felt sorry for exp.

They took sides and didn't welcome the new partner and it affected my relationship with my family for a number of years.

Don't take sides, or assume you know what happens behind closed doors. Not suggesting your sisters partner was abusive, but your sister may have been deeply unhappy and not started a relationship with this man (other than a friendship) until afterwards.

Agree with pp that if kids are fine with it and are comfortable with it, then you should go with it too.

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 09:28

Preciousbane it is the lying that upsets me.

wannabe I know that I am going to have to look past how they got together at some point. I know really that it's none of my business.

I'm just struggling to get past the lies she has been telling everyone for months, treating everyone like fools.

I'm quite prepared to hear that IABU but I do need to find a way forward that I can cope with and that doesn't ruin my relationship with my sister.

OP posts:
Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 09:30

Fozziebearmum2be I have already made the decision not to take sides....tbh I don't really want to be involved.

The relationship with this man was started before she split up with her DP.

OP posts:
Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 09:32

Alfafamum honest but non-accusatory is the way I want to go

OP posts:
SmallBee · 18/09/2013 09:42

I can't really offer any advice or opinions on this having never been in a similar situation, but it sounds to me as though your feelings on this are much to complicated to be put into a text message.
Is your sister close enough to you so that you can meet for a chat & honestly explain how you feel? She might be able to explain things to you that help you make more sense of things & it gives you a better chance to be able to explain how you feel clearly without any room for misunderstanding.
If she's too far away to meet up then perhaps a phone call or email?

MrsMelons · 18/09/2013 09:44

IMO YABU as she is your sister and he is her partner. I split up with XH and got together with my now DH straight away, I had fallen in love with DH whilst I was still married but we didn't actually have a physical affair as such till after but essentially it is the same.

My family were of course upset but they knew we were together and had to accept it. We went out for a drink together first so they could get to know him, I am sure they felt uncomfortable at first but they love me and I was more important to them than their feelings over how I got together with DH.

He is the love of my life and we now have 2 DCs. I think if my family had said to me what you want to say to your sister we may not be quite so close anymore.

I am really close to my brothers wife and I would be devastated if they split up however I would have to accept it in teh same way they did for me, my brother was friends with XH so it must have been hard for him, he suffers from a stress related illness and it flared up pretty badly at the time.

PrimalLass · 18/09/2013 10:04

It's the Christmas play, so what has it
to do with God and all that shit?

This should be one of the songs in the play itself.