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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister's affair

155 replies

madasa · 18/09/2013 08:35

Hi am hoping for some advice so that I don't start a massive fallout with my sister.
Background which I will try to keep brief:
My sister has been with her DP for 20 years. Two children age 12 and 15.

They have always seemed to have a solid and happy relationship.
About a year ago things started to change. They were arguing a lot and she told me he was not wanting her to go out etc. etc. and she wasn't going to live like that.

A man's name was dropped into the conversation several times and suspicions began to form in my mind.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. She has bought a new house with inheritance from my dear dad who died two years ago.

Flowers from this man (a work colleague) turned up at the house even though he was living with his partner.

Suffice to say she told me a couple of weeks ago that she had met someone. To her surprise I told her I already knew, told her his name and told her that in my opinion it had been going on for a lot longer ie. whilst she was still with her DP.

I know that it is none of my business and have agreed not to discuss the situation but that I am not a fool and that none of what she is saying adds up.

Now I have the situation re Xmas. We are staying at home and I have told her she and the children are more than welcome.

She has just asked if this man can come too. AIBU to not want to share my Xmas with this man that was cheating on his own partner whilst my sister was cheating on hers? I just cannot sit there playing happy families.

My sister has lied to me and also to her DP.
It's not the fact that she has someone else....relationships break up, life goes on. It's all the lies and deceit that have been going on.

Any ideas on how to reply to the text asking if he can come? (without using the words cheating and bastard!)
I don't want to fall out with her and I love her dearly but I just don't recognise her at the moment.

Thanks for any help

OP posts:

TalkativeJim · 18/09/2013 13:48

Thing is - she can do what she wants, but she can't expect it to be a case of her moving the people in her life around as if they're pieces on a chessboard.

It's ludicrous that she would ask if her new 'DP' can join you for Xmas - the kind of totally blinkered, utterly selfish request that people make when they're blinded by luuurve, alas. So, she thinks it's a good idea that her niece, your DD, instead of seeing her Uncle at Christmas, sees her Aunt turn up with another man, a complete stranger, to share her family Christmas, and that all a-ok. Well no. It's not. Nothing to do with you judging your sis, it's simply not something you do. And that's before you even touch on the fact that her poor children, after seeing their parents split, will be facing that difficult first Christmas as a separated family. They're supposed to just have this guy slot into their dad's place in the family/at the Christmas table? Way to go to totally freak them out.

Your sister is being amazingly self-centred. I would think that most parents with even an ounce of regard for their children would at least try and keep Christmas as a safe family time with people they know and love. Maybe even make the supreme effort and attend the family gathering with their ex-partner, and show the children that separation doesn't mean the end of family times.

Your sister is being an absolute arse and a pretty shit mum at the moment it seems.

angelinajelly · 18/09/2013 13:55

Your sister is being an absolute arse and a pretty shit mum at the moment it seems.

I don't remember reading at any point that the sister is stopping her children from seeing their dad at Christmas. Projecting a little, maybe?

Original poster

madasa · 18/09/2013 14:01

I have text her to ask if we can meet any time between today and Sunday (am off work this week)

OP posts:

Original poster

madasa · 18/09/2013 14:02

She's just text to say she'll let me know...I guess I have my answer

OP posts:

Catwoman12 · 18/09/2013 14:07

Invite your ex-dbil for dinner if your sister makes arrangements with her new partner, I would, he's your family too...

beepoff · 18/09/2013 14:09

My sister had an affair, then left her H for a different man eventually. I'm pretty sure there was an overlap there too although she denies it categorically. The new man - now her DH - spent Xmas with us within a few months of them getting together officially (we hadn't met him before).

The fact is she wasn't happy in her marriage and yes maybe she should have ended things first but people aren't perfect, so we welcomed him with open arms.

The main difference is there were no children involved.

Original poster

madasa · 18/09/2013 14:12

My dbil sister even asked her outright if she was having affair because all of a sudden my sister was asking her to have the children all the time.

If any man had been doing all the things my sister has been doing I am almost sure that there would not have been much room for doubt that he was up to something.

If I started guarding my phone everywhere I went my DP would rightly be very suspicious.

I should invite him for dinner if she makes other plans.....he used to be a chef

OP posts:

OrmirianResurgam · 18/09/2013 14:16

"You don't have to have someone in your home who you don't want there."

That is all there is to say really. if christmas is a special time that is usually restricted to family members it would feel awkward to invite someone unknown to join you all regardless of how they got together with your sister. The BIL/new man element just adds to the awkwardness. I think your sister is being unreasonable to ask for this.

Hullygully · 18/09/2013 14:20

The thing is that she is in the wrong and doesn't want to be, so she has to make the reason the biggest most important love ever.

Also, she is blinded by lust and sex.

In her addled brain, she thinks you are her sister and you should support her choices no matter what...

But if you stay calm, reasonable, kind and fair she will be forced to acknowledge you are right

Original poster

madasa · 18/09/2013 14:25

I really appreciate all the input in this thread.

Ormirian you are right the upshot is I don't want him here.

Hullygully calm is usually my middle name but I am fed up of trying to be reasonable!

I don't even want to be 'right' about anything....I just want her to stop treating me (and everybody else) as if we are all fools and that our heads zip up at the back!

Just be bloody honest.

OP posts:

Hullygully · 18/09/2013 14:27

She can't be honest at the mo, she is in the throes of self-justifying self-delusion.

One day the scales will fall.

angelinajelly · 18/09/2013 14:28

Tell her that, then. Tell her that's she's your sister and you love her and you want to support her and be happy for her, but she's making it really hard by behaving like this and you feel you have to say something because you can see the way other people are responding and you don't want her to burn bridges.

Original poster

madasa · 18/09/2013 14:33

angelinajelly that is a good point.

I do need to talk with her and not over the phone or by text.

That is why I have asked for an hour of her time any time between today and Sunday. In all of her life my sister has been the most easy going person imaginable and would usually text back with something along the lines of " yes great...busy such and such but any other time good..just tell me when"

The "I'll let you know" speaks volumes....it is just not a text my sister would send without her addled brain on

OP posts:

NicknameIncomplete · 18/09/2013 14:51

I think your sister was cheeky to ask you in the first place.

It is your home and if you dont want him there that is up to you.

You havent said that you dont want to meet him, just that you dont want to spend christmas with him this year.

Original poster

madasa · 18/09/2013 14:54

That's true Nickname

My own brain is addled now...am off for a walk.

Thanks again for all the advice and input...it does help to get different viewpoints

OP posts:

DevonLodger · 18/09/2013 15:03

Maybe her brain isn't addled and instead she's upset by your text and doesn't want to meet up with you. She's your family. It doesn't matter what she's done (affair, lies) you love her and always will. She's left her husband not her children or you. It's her choice, her life. She is entitled to be happy. My husband's mother has 6 children of whom half have had more than one spouse. She was deeply attached to the former spouses but embraces her children's choices of new partner each time. She never asks questions. She never judges. Not because she is taken as a fool but because they are her children and she loves them unreservedly and without qualification and to her that is all that matters. She is a wonderful woman.
You have plenty of time between now and Christmas to get to know this man. If your sister sees him as her future then the sooner you get to know him the better. What is the point of waiting?

Original poster

madasa · 18/09/2013 15:10

Because Devonlodger I am not ready .

I love her unreservedly but I am not ready.

You're right she probably doesn't want to meet me although I don't believe she's upset by my text.

OP posts:

DevonLodger · 18/09/2013 15:19

That's not the sense that I get from you OP "cheating bastard", "lies, deceit", "don't recognise her at the moment". Sounds like your not ready because you haven't forgiven her yet for her perceived failings. Forgive, accept and move on. Be the stronger person and help her through a time of turmoil in her life.

Original poster

madasa · 18/09/2013 15:37

Devonlodger there may be some truth in what you are saying.

I can't help her because she is still lying...how can I have an honest relationship with her?

I can't even talk to her because I have no idea whether what comes out of her mouth is a lie or not.

I know she has lied to other people about this because she told me. Why lie if everything is so honest?

We have never ever (as far as I know) lied about anything. We have always agreed to disagree if we didn't see eye to eye.

Maybe I just need to nod and um and ah in the right places....I really don't know...

OP posts:

cingolimama · 18/09/2013 16:19

Madasa, all this grief about the lies your sister told you. She is entitled to her own private feelings, and is under no obligation to share everything that's going on with her, particularly if it is possibly embarassing, upsetting, painful, confusing and liable to be life-changing. You are not entitled, even as her loving sister, to know everything. I really feel you should re-think this position about "lies". Sometimes people lie, or keep things to themselves for very good reasons. So what?

Things are now out in the open. You were not "taken for fools". Your sister simply chose not to be as open as you would like. You resent not being told everything going on in your sister's life, and for that, I'm afraid, YABU.

However, you do sound (reading between the lines) like a loving sister. This is likely to be a time of great upheaval for the whole family (DC's especially). Try to reign in the judgement, and be more open and understanding.

Sallystyle · 18/09/2013 16:22

Is it worth potentially ruining your relationship over a few lies? yes she lied, no that isn't nice. She has had an affair, people who have affairs lie to cover it up so they don't get caught before they come out (if they ever do), it's all part of the parcel. It sucks but she is blinded by love/lust and going through turmoil so personally, I could forgive that.

The affair and new relationship is her business. Sure, you have lost your BIL and that is really tough BTDT but like it or not, her new DP is a part of her life and I think you are overreacting a bit to not want him round.

This isn't about you. You keep saying you aren't ready to meet him but I don't understand why. He is making your sister happy I assume right now, you can still grieve the loss of your bil while getting to know her new DP. Neither of them have acted wonderfully by the sounds of it but people fuck up.

Looks like you have two choices

Let him come round and feel uncomfortable

Cause a rift between you and your sister

I know which I would prefer.

Sallystyle · 18/09/2013 16:23

Excellent post Cing.

DevonLodger · 18/09/2013 16:55

But you have "agreed not to discuss the situation". How do you know she is still lying and why do you want to talk to her about it if you have agreed not to? I just can't really understand why you are so angry. Just leave her to it. Of course she hasn't been totally truthful with you. She was having an affair, probably. Who wants to own up to that? Let her find her own way with this relationship. Hopefully it will be a good one that will make her and her children happy. Your BIL's issue are not your concern. He has his own family to support him. Of course be his friend. He's a good uncle. I'm sure that your sister is a good auntie too.

MovingForward0719 · 18/09/2013 17:04

I think just move with the times. It's happened now. My sister 'met' a new man shortly after her marriage broke down. We all knew it had been going on for years. We also knew her marriage was miserable. I've never really asked her about it. Just accepted the 'official' version of events and moved on. Both her and her ex are remarried now anyway,

Waferthinmint · 18/09/2013 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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