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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister's affair

155 replies

madasa · 18/09/2013 08:35

Hi am hoping for some advice so that I don't start a massive fallout with my sister.
Background which I will try to keep brief:
My sister has been with her DP for 20 years. Two children age 12 and 15.

They have always seemed to have a solid and happy relationship.
About a year ago things started to change. They were arguing a lot and she told me he was not wanting her to go out etc. etc. and she wasn't going to live like that.

A man's name was dropped into the conversation several times and suspicions began to form in my mind.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. She has bought a new house with inheritance from my dear dad who died two years ago.

Flowers from this man (a work colleague) turned up at the house even though he was living with his partner.

Suffice to say she told me a couple of weeks ago that she had met someone. To her surprise I told her I already knew, told her his name and told her that in my opinion it had been going on for a lot longer ie. whilst she was still with her DP.

I know that it is none of my business and have agreed not to discuss the situation but that I am not a fool and that none of what she is saying adds up.

Now I have the situation re Xmas. We are staying at home and I have told her she and the children are more than welcome.

She has just asked if this man can come too. AIBU to not want to share my Xmas with this man that was cheating on his own partner whilst my sister was cheating on hers? I just cannot sit there playing happy families.

My sister has lied to me and also to her DP.
It's not the fact that she has someone else....relationships break up, life goes on. It's all the lies and deceit that have been going on.

Any ideas on how to reply to the text asking if he can come? (without using the words cheating and bastard!)
I don't want to fall out with her and I love her dearly but I just don't recognise her at the moment.

Thanks for any help

OP posts:
Waferthinmint · 18/09/2013 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 18:00

This has been going on for about 18 months waferthinmint, she moved into her new house about 3 months ago.

My sister is a fantastic auntie devonlodger

I wanted to talk with her just to discuss the texts this morning and to talk about maybe meeting with him in the New Year and also to check if she is ok believe it or not.

I know she doesn't have to divulge every part of her life to me. Equally I don't have to share my dinner table with a pair of lying schemers and feeling uncomfortable in my own home is not an option.

I am aware I am virtually a lone voice and I would not have posted in aibu if I did not want opinions.

I haven't said I won't meet him just that I do not want to play happy families with him at Xmas .

OP posts:
geekgal · 18/09/2013 18:10

I'm thinking it's kind of all done now, the text asking him not to come has been sent, so it's a done deal really. Even though your sister may have had an affair I really do feel badly for her, it's harsh when your family chooseyour ex instead of you, I'm guessing it'll really hurt her.

And the whole thing about new underwear and passwords and times she got home - since its clearly your now ex bro in law who told you that I stand by what I said about you two being little too close for your sister's comfort! He's obviously been slagging her off to you, which is entirely inappropriate yunder the circumstances and makes his story all the more suspect. I'm thinking her leaving him because "she wants to go out" is more that he's controlling her and using you to do it. Even after they've split! Scary...

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 18:13

You make assumptions geekgal she told me about the passwords herself...ditto the times she got home

I also haven't 'chosen' anybody over my sister

OP posts:
geekgal · 18/09/2013 18:37

But not the underwear, which is quite frankly the creepiest part. Ok then...

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 18:40

It was along with hundreds of pounds of clothes, underwear, make up...

You don't have to agree with me but please don't make assumptions

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 18/09/2013 18:56

If you don't want him in your home during this special occasion, then don't have him. His presence will ruin things for you and your family

geekgal · 18/09/2013 19:04

I could say right back at ya, but I'm a bigger person than that.

Actually no, I'm not...

Sorry, look, not having a total go at you, I just think you're being very inflexible about your sister and imposing your personal values onto her situation, which you don't really know well enough to make that judgement about. It's up to you in the end, and I actually do hope you guys can come to some kind of truce in the future, whether she stays with this guy or not, because she's your sister and its important to you. I'm just saying you may need to see it from her perspective for that to happen, not her exes'.

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 19:13

I'm trying to be flexible geekgal which is why I have suggested we meet him in the New Year.

I am aware that I am in danger of imposing my own moral values on her situation which is one of the reasons I came on here to ask advice.

I am wrestling with all of it however unreasonable that might sound.

I do wonder what the reaction would have been had I posted:

" I have been having an affair with a married man for the last 18 months whilst living with my DP and two children. I have lied to everybody including my sister. AIBU to be upset that she doesn't want me to bring my new man to her home for Christmas?"

I am equally not having a go...I genuinely appreciate all the opinions.

OP posts:
jacks365 · 18/09/2013 19:20

You are right you have the choice who you share Christmas with but please accept that so does your sister, how will you feel if she now decides to have Christmas at home wirh her children and nm. You unfortunately have backed yourself into a corner with your text and its quite clear that your sister is upset with you hence being non commital to a meeting. You seem to assume that your sister will still want to celebrate Christmas with you but why would she choose you over her nm, a man she walked away from her marriage for?

mynewpassion · 18/09/2013 19:23

I think the OP would be fine if they didnt come. Problem solved.

TalkativeJim · 18/09/2013 19:27

angelinajelly

I don't remember reading at any point that the sister is stopping her children from seeing their dad at Christmas. Projecting a little, maybe?

Um, no, I don't think so. I've never been part of a situation like this as far as I can remember. I don't think you'd need to have been close to a situation like this to think that OP's sis is indeed being an arse. I may have missed some bits of the thread I guess, as your comment doesn't really make sense. I didn't think she was stopping the kids seeing their dad. I thought the problem was that pretty soon after the breakup, she was expecting to bring her new man along in their dad's place to spend Christmas with their cousins. Which I would say would be an absolute headfuck for the poor kids. Which I would say is being a shit mum when what they need is a supportive mum who prioritises them and not her new relationship.

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 19:58

jacks365 hand on heart if she chooses to spend Christmas with nm I don't have a problem with it.

No reason at all why she should choose me over her nm. She has every right to spend Christmas with who she pleases.

Not backed into a corner at all as mynewpassion is quite right ...I am fine if they don't come.

OP posts:
jacks365 · 18/09/2013 20:06

Madasa if you are as happy as you say for your sister to step back from you why are you making so much effort to see her to talk it over?

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 20:28

jacks365 nowhere have I said I am happy for my sister to step back from me. Her and the children are a huge part of our lives. What I did say was that I am happy for her to spend Christmas where and with whom she wants to.

The reason I am making an effort to talk things over is that I genuinely need to know if she is ok (she has left her old house and all of the things that I know are dear to her like mementos from our mum and our dad who passed away two years ago)

Also, I don't want a cloud hanging over us. I need to know how she feels about my bil still being part of my daughter's (if not our) life and how the best way to go about it is.

OP posts:
jacks365 · 18/09/2013 20:44

Thats what I meant about backing yourself into a corner. It's entirely possible that your sister will see your text as a rejection of her relationship and since she probably very much identifies herself as part of that relationship sees it as a rejection of herself and disapproval. If your sister feels she doesn't have your support because you disapprove then the natural thing is to pull away and create a distance.

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 21:05

She may well see it like that although I would hardly want to meet with her if I was rejecting her. If I was rejecting her I wouldn't care less whether we met or not.

OP posts:
Solopower1 · 18/09/2013 21:06

Madasa I have been lurking - your story is, word for word, mine, except that my sister's children were older. Everyone has been through so much suffering - but the good news is that after about 3 years her kids are learning to live with it - especially as her husband has remarried and they can see how happy he is, and she is too.

But the damage that she did to her relationship with me is permanent, because I will never trust her again. She doesn't know this because I am not brave enough to tell her how I feel. She put us all through one of the worst christmases we've ever had, as we had to welcome her obnoxious boyfriend into our family - while trying to comfort her boys - and smiling my rictus grin throughout.

So hold out for a sister-free Christmas, but think about how things are going to pan out long term, and give everyone oodles of time. It takes far longer than you expect, ime.

As you and others have said, it's not about you/me. But my kids have lost a lovely uncle, and my BIL was like a brother to me, too - so I hope you manage to keep in contact with yours. It upsets my sister if we see her ex, so we don't. And, I'm afraid, selfishly, I'm still angry. But everyone else has moved on, thank goodness!

So what I wanted to say is that I really hope things turn out OK for you and your family, and that you manage to come to terms with the person your sister has turned into. Sad

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 21:11

Thank you Solopower! for sharing your story. I'm sorry you don't see your bil...that's very sad. You are kind enough though to put your sister's wishes before your own....I hope I can be.

OP posts:
Solopower1 · 18/09/2013 21:19

It might not be the right thing to do in your case, as it could mean your daughter loses her uncle. I hope you will manage things better than I could.

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 21:27

Oh Solopower! I'm sure you managed it the best way that you could given the circumstances.

My bil is also my DP's friend. They have worked together and are very close. I guess we will muddle through Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 21:28

Not sure where the ! came from....

OP posts:
Solopower1 · 18/09/2013 21:32

Hope so. Smile

guiltyconscience · 18/09/2013 21:40

We went through this 20 rs ago. Ds had an affair with married man, her dh was devastated we took his part, it split the family , we had a bad relationship with them (she married him), in the meanwhile her ex married again and moved 35 miles away, we never see him now, we are friends with ds and her dh now but if I could do it all again I think I would have been more supportive to her, after all the saying goes blood is thicker than water very true in my book . We are lucky to have a second chance I think. Thing is if she stays with him and marries him it's not a good start to refuse him to come. It took us years to get back to anything resembling our past very strong relationship. Think about it , my ex bil was very nice but 20 years later I can see they were totally unsuited, married too young and he was very boring and had a low sex drive she would have to instigate sex all the time and then it was about 6 months apart . It was very frustrating for her not to mention knocked her confidence greatly no wonder she had an affair he wasn't blameless either!

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 21:45

Thank you for your advice guiltyconscience I know it isn't hardly ever one sided. I just can't help thinking that if it was that bad then why didn't she finish her relationship first? Why cheat and lie and scheme? Why palm her children off on his family members while she did whatever?
I know it's not that black and white though....

OP posts: