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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister's affair

155 replies

madasa · 18/09/2013 08:35

Hi am hoping for some advice so that I don't start a massive fallout with my sister.
Background which I will try to keep brief:
My sister has been with her DP for 20 years. Two children age 12 and 15.

They have always seemed to have a solid and happy relationship.
About a year ago things started to change. They were arguing a lot and she told me he was not wanting her to go out etc. etc. and she wasn't going to live like that.

A man's name was dropped into the conversation several times and suspicions began to form in my mind.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. She has bought a new house with inheritance from my dear dad who died two years ago.

Flowers from this man (a work colleague) turned up at the house even though he was living with his partner.

Suffice to say she told me a couple of weeks ago that she had met someone. To her surprise I told her I already knew, told her his name and told her that in my opinion it had been going on for a lot longer ie. whilst she was still with her DP.

I know that it is none of my business and have agreed not to discuss the situation but that I am not a fool and that none of what she is saying adds up.

Now I have the situation re Xmas. We are staying at home and I have told her she and the children are more than welcome.

She has just asked if this man can come too. AIBU to not want to share my Xmas with this man that was cheating on his own partner whilst my sister was cheating on hers? I just cannot sit there playing happy families.

My sister has lied to me and also to her DP.
It's not the fact that she has someone else....relationships break up, life goes on. It's all the lies and deceit that have been going on.

Any ideas on how to reply to the text asking if he can come? (without using the words cheating and bastard!)
I don't want to fall out with her and I love her dearly but I just don't recognise her at the moment.

Thanks for any help

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 18/09/2013 11:38

If you feel you must answer her text with a text (I really wouldn't) why don't you text back and say 'oh, assumed kids would be with XP for Christmas day. Do you still want to come to us?'

But then I'm a bitch.

RedHelenB · 18/09/2013 11:39

The basic fact is newly loved up couples seem to have no conception that other people arround them may not view things the same as them. Is the new partner lving with your sister & her children now? If so, then I would say new partner comes. If not, I would broach it with your sister that maybe Christmas is not the greatest of times for her kids to have to play happy families with her new partner BUT i doubt she will listen so I think it would be best if he came & you can help your nephews/nieces have the best Christmas they can in those circumstances. BUT you are definitely nbot being unreasonable to feel as you do!

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 11:46

Right...I have text to say that I am not saying we never want to meet him but that for me it is too soon and that I don't think Christmas is an appropriate time.

I have again said that I feel she hasn't been entirely honest about the whole thing ( I know I need to get past the fact that she's lied to me and I am being judgmental) If someone called me a liar I would have to have it out with them....but maybe that's just me.

I have said that I totally understand if she wants to spend Christmas with him (I did call him by name) and asked her if perhaps we could get to know him gradually in the New Year.

OP posts:
Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 11:47

Hi RedHelenB no nm not living with her.

OP posts:
AlansCatalanCat · 18/09/2013 11:48

YABU. You don't know all the background to this and you don't know for sure that your sister has actually told you any lies. You are not in a position to judge her.

If I was your sister I'd prefer to spend Christmas at home with my new love and my children, than go without him to disapproving family members. So I doubt it's an issue for her.

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 11:51

I do know for sure that my sister has told me at least one lie.

I don't think it will be an issue for her....and that's a good thing.

OP posts:
ukatlast · 18/09/2013 11:52

I think if er ex-partner is like a brother to you, you should be offering to host him at Christmas maybe? Let sister (who has unnecessarily lied to you) and new beau gel as a new family unit.

geekgal · 18/09/2013 11:55

Oh well, if I were your sister I'd give your place a miss this year, but she may go along with your unreasonable request if you've made sure to make her feel bad or unloved enough, so here's hoping!

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 11:56

Do you know what ukatlast that is exactly what I would like to do.

I know though that it would not be reasonable to do so and I don't want to cause any more ructions than there already are.

OP posts:
Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 11:58

geekgal I don't think it's that unreasonable to expect not to be lied to and treated like an idiot

OP posts:
Tasmania · 18/09/2013 11:58

Text back:

Christmas is very special for us, and we would prefer to have only people over we know and love. I'm sorry, but it we would prefer it if it was only you and the kids. Thanks.

Mollydoggerson · 18/09/2013 12:00

I think you are being a little unreasonable for your feelings of resentment regarding her life changes.

Sister has done the right thng by finishing the relationship that was not working. She is now entitled to happiness.

If you feel things are moving a littletoo fast, I think it is acceptable to say to sister that you feel uncomfortable with this new man as a guest as you need time to digest all the changes yourself, and also you think it would be good for all the kids involved, yours and hers if there was time to digest the changes.

Kewcumber · 18/09/2013 12:00

I would lie to my sister about something I didn't want to share with her if necessary. She isn't entitled to any special insight into certain aspects of my private life.

Wasn't your sister just avoiding telling she she was having an affair rather than actively lying to you about it? Don't most people lie about having affairs (if she was) - its hardly something you shout from the rooftops is it? Confused

Anyway all the huffing and puffing about whether tis too soon and whether she's lied to you aren't relevant - you don't need to invite anyone into your home if you don't want to.

Just say you don;t want to invite someone you barely know to spend Xmas with you until it becomes obvious that the relationship is more established.

Thats your choice - she can choose what she wants to do at that Xmas on that basis.

Please don;t say "its not for me to judge" - that translates as "I judge you" which of course you do, just don't try to pretend you don't.

Tasmania · 18/09/2013 12:01

PS: Similar thing happened with DS. Most of the family sided w/ her DH. Blood is definitely not thicker in our case...

Tasmania · 18/09/2013 12:01

I meand DSis, obviously.

Kewcumber · 18/09/2013 12:04

I've only ever promised never to lie to a partner! Sorry Sis - but I didn't take any vows to tell you 100% of the truth 100% of the time (I'm sure my sister would not be surprised to hear this).

Mind you I don;t make the habit of lying to her and as I'm not married I can;t have an affair but have frequently over the past 30 years had sex with someone that I perhaps shouldn't have and haven't shared that with my sister.

AlansCatalanCat · 18/09/2013 12:07

I doubt if there's anyone alive who hasn't occasionally withheld the truth for good reason.

geekgal · 18/09/2013 12:08

You don't really know you've been lied to though. And I would put it to you that EVERYONE has lied to a family member at some point, usually to spare that person's feelings, so I think you're blowing it out of proportion and no one is trying to make you look like an idiot. Surprisingly her relationships may actually not be about you at all.

I think you're upset because you're closer to her ex partner than her. There's nothing wrong with that, sometimes you are going to be closer to people who aren't family members, that's life. But I think it's then fair for her to be annoyed that you've effectively chosen him over her, and I think you should be honest with yourself and not invite her at all for Christmas. Invite him if you want. Just don't expect that a sisterly relationship can survive that. I speak from experience, it probably won't.

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 12:12

Well maybe I am just too judgmental....I will work on that.

Being lied to I have more of a problem with.

I have just rung my sister following our text messages, she is at work but we will talk tonight.

We have a very strong relationship which is why I asked for advice as I don't want anything to come between us but at the same time I need to do what is right for my family too.

I hope I have met her halfway although I know many think I am totally unreasonable.

OP posts:
AlansCatalanCat · 18/09/2013 12:13

Well said, geekgal.

dojonoodle · 18/09/2013 12:14

I would feel v uncomfortable with the deceit too and can understand your feelings of loyalty to her ExP, who you have been close to for 20 years. Christmas is a special, family time for many people and I can see why you prefer not to invite her new P in this circumstance. She has chosen to start the relationship in this way and to be deceitful. She has to take the consequences. I think it's unrealistic and unfair on others, even family, to expect them to 'just get over it' immediately, even if they feel upset by the way the new couple have behaved.

It is such early days for her new relationship that it is impossible for anyone to say whether it will last at present. Having an affair is very different to living with someone and going through day to day ups and downs. Just because the subsequent relationships of a couple of posters have worked out for the best, it doesn't follow that this one will too.

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 12:15

geekgal I have not chosen anyone over my sister.

I am very fond of my dbil but not over her.....it isn't a contest

OP posts:
dojonoodle · 18/09/2013 12:16

OP- I don't think you are too judgemental. Mostly, the people who think you are being unreasonable are those who have been in similar situations to your sister and are drawing a parallel which may or may not exist.

Original poster
madasa · 18/09/2013 12:19

Thank you dojonoodle I am quite prepared to be told IABU

This whole thread has helped me to look at things from different perspectives.

I started it because I wanted to give a thought out response to my sister and not just shoot from the hip and jeopardise our relationship.

We have been through a lot together over the last few years

OP posts:
geekgal · 18/09/2013 12:25

Then bear in mind if she didn't tell you she was seeing someone else there are probably a lot of things she hasn't told you about her ex. He could be abusive, he could be a bad parent, he could secretly be into wearingher stockings to PTA - you don't know. He could be perfectly nice but she got bored with him. You don't know. But in speaking to him for an hour at a time over the phone and leaving out her new partner you're siding with him, whether you believe you are or not. She's bound to notice that, and it will hurt her a lot, I just think you should think about long term consequences rather than just jumping in because you're angry now.