Sister's affair

[madasa]

Hi am hoping for some advice so that I don't start a massive fallout with my sister.
Background which I will try to keep brief:
My sister has been with her DP for 20 years. Two children age 12 and 15.

They have always seemed to have a solid and happy relationship.
About a year ago things started to change. They were arguing a lot and she told me he was not wanting her to go out etc. etc. and she wasn't going to live like that.

A man's name was dropped into the conversation several times and suspicions began to form in my mind.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago. She has bought a new house with inheritance from my dear dad who died two years ago.

Flowers from this man (a work colleague) turned up at the house even though he was living with his partner.

Suffice to say she told me a couple of weeks ago that she had met someone. To her surprise I told her I already knew, told her his name and told her that in my opinion it had been going on for a lot longer ie. whilst she was still with her DP.

I know that it is none of my business and have agreed not to discuss the situation but that I am not a fool and that none of what she is saying adds up.

Now I have the situation re Xmas. We are staying at home and I have told her she and the children are more than welcome.

She has just asked if this man can come too. AIBU to not want to share my Xmas with this man that was cheating on his own partner whilst my sister was cheating on hers? I just cannot sit there playing happy families.

My sister has lied to me and also to her DP.
It's not the fact that she has someone else....relationships break up, life goes on. It's all the lies and deceit that have been going on.

Any ideas on how to reply to the text asking if he can come? (without using the words cheating and bastard!)
I don't want to fall out with her and I love her dearly but I just don't recognise her at the moment.

Thanks for any help

Mostly, the people who think you are being unreasonable are those who have been in similar situations to your sister and are drawing a parallel which may or may not exist

Not me, but I have seen relationships begin and end in many ways throughout my life, and I have learned not to make assumptions.

It is important to remember that it principally concerns the people directly involved, and friends and family members come second.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Have less an issue with her lying perhaps rather than just the dealing with a new man. I too think it would be perhaps too weird and uncomfortable to suddenly have another man sitting at your table on Christmas Day with everyone pretending thats the way it's always been. What when your kids start calling him by the ex's name by mistake etc. it would annoy me that he is sitting at my table playing happy families on Christmas Day while the ex (whom I know and love) is having Christmas dinner away from his kids.

If you think you can all honestly have a fun day then go ahead.

I think as an adult you should focus on the children. If she's moved new boyfriend in, then spending Christmas Day with him perhaps isn't such a big deal. When will they see their dad?

He has been part of our family for over 20 years....I am not going to not speak to him ...I won't take sides but I am not going to ignore him.

His whole family won't speak to her at the moment....I'm not going down that route.

I don't expect her to come with him for afternoon tea but he is my daughter's uncle and I'm dammed if she is going to lose him.

I don't know when they will see their dad tbh...and I know that is for them to sort out.

I'm not saying never....I'm just saying it's all too much too soon ...for me...and my family.

She says she understands. Of course she may just be saying that. I will have an honest chat with her later

I think you are being a bit U, sorry. If your sister hadn't lied to you, she would have put you in the position of having to choose between being complicit in her lies, or betraying her. I'm sure you wouldn't have enjoyed that or thanked her for it, so understand that from her point of view she was trying to protect you rather than deceive you. At least she has now done the decent thing and left rather than prolonging the affair (if there was one) indefinitely. Where your sister is concerned, I think you need to move on- tell her you think she made bad choices, if you need to, but then leave it alone. Her relationships with other people shouldn't affect your relationship as sisters.

Where the new man is concerned you should really try and give him a chance. At the very least he loves someone you love, and is making her happy. If he is still ostensibly with his wife, you're entitled to say you don't want to be involved in deceiving her over Christmas, but if he has left I think you should include him.

And where your former BiL is concerned, unfortunately I think you need to consider that by remaining loyal to him and in touch with him, you might be stopping him from moving on. It's really sad when couples break up and other long-standing friendships are affected, but for him it might be the best thing.

Who else will be having Christmas dinner at your house? Do they have any opinions on the matter?

My partner and my daughter. Yes they do have opinions on the matter

angelinajelly I hear what you say about it maybe not being a good idea to stay in touch and loyalty etc. but what about my daughter, his niece?

He has been the most fantastic uncle to her and they adore each other. How can it be right that that relationship just has to end just like that?

I bent over backwards when my daughter was little to ensure that she had the opportunity to have a relationship with my exes family. She was 3 when we split and I put up with a fair amount of shite from his family in order to preserve their relationship. She now has a fantastic relationship with the whole side of his family.

If my niece and nephew were to go and live with their dad I would not expect to be cut out of their lives.

I think you're protesting a bit too much, I never said you shouldn't speak to him, just that hour long in depth convos may be inappropriate right now as they have just split up. For example, I am still good friends with my sister's ex husband, but although we used to hang out a lot when they were together we simply don't as much now, and just after the initial split we didn't at all because she is my sister and took priority in my support - he has his own family for that. Unfortunately you need to show her that she comes first for you, this may involve cutting back on your ex time.

But again, with the whole "I'll be damned if she is going to lose him" makes me think you really are closer to him than her and you're more concerned at the moment with the splits impact on YOUR life, not hers...

I would be surprised if a 12 & 15 year old are very happy about sharing Christmas with their Mum's new fella! I think your text was reasonable & it will be far easier & less emotional to get to know him after Christmas.

alanscat- v true. None of us know what goes on in other people's relationships behind closed doors.

It does sound as if the OP is v close to her sister's exP and that she is known him and seen on a regular basis for many, many years, not the odd meeting at a few weddings/ family occasions, which would be v different.

As you are close to your sister, I'm sure you can both resolve things. It will just take a bit of time to get used to the different circumstances.

RedHelenB and dojonoodle that is exactly what I have said to my sister, that rightly or wrongly for me it is too soon and Christmas not the most appropriate time but could we take it slowly in the New Year.

I know at the end of the day that my feelings don't matter a jot in all of this and that I have no right to judge or feel hurt or betrayed because as a poster said it's not about me.

There's two whole families hurting here and I'm just trying my best to pick a way through it.

Your opinions, as well as your partner's and daughter's, are really important. But avoiding any personal damage to your relationship with your sister (and her children) is important to you too. But you're angry about the deceit (nothing wrong with being angry at deception imo). A bit of a tightrope situation for you to manage.

I would focus on this: You, and your family, are losing a 'family member' through no fault of your own - so are grieving a little.

I would suggest saying to your sister - that you feel really sad that her marriage to BiL has ended and you'll miss him as a BiL. But it is important for your family that Christmas is to be a happy occasion, and you'd love to have her and her children there as usual, but if her new boyfriend was to come, it would be a very obvious reminder of the changes that you, your family and her children are having to adjust to.

Therefore, I'd soften the blow by offering to meet him early in the new year. New year, new start, but this year you'd like time to come to terms with its changes.

This would ensure you get the time you need to adjust, but without appearing to 'ban' new man for life. It also side steps any issues you have with her deceit, which will make her defensive and angry.

Your feelings do matter when it comes to having the new partner into your home when you and your family don't feel ready. Why would your feelings not matter? Doesn't mean you have to reject your sister and her new man - just take it slower.

Thank you Terrortree I have suggested we meet in the New Year.

I spoke to her very briefly this morning after the texts and things were fine between us so hopefully we can sort this out.

I think you have done the right thing, on several levels.

You don't have to have someone in your home who you don't want there.

You definitely don't have to have them there at Christmas.

For you and your DD (and your DH?) it is too soon to have your BIL/Uncle replaced at your Christmas table & to play happy families with him.

You don't want to celebrate a family time with someone who has been a part of hurting your BIL & you don't want to have to see them cosying up.

You are annoyed with your sister for treating you like an idiot. It's one thing not to tell each other everything & to retain your privacy, it's quite another to be dishing out bare faced lies like you are a fool.

You are thinking of the children - hers & your DD.

Does he have children with his wife?

BlingBang slower is the conclusion I have come to as well

Hi Chipping I don't think he has children with his wife. Not sure though because we haven't discussed him much....we kind of agreed to disagree.

You've hit the nail on the head ...I do not want to play sodding happy families!

If that makes me unreasonable then so be it...

Hopefully the reasonable part is suggesting meeting in the New Year

The thing that struck me here is that she was cheating as well. Why can't he come as he was cheating on his partner, but she can and she was cheating on hers at the same time?!

"I'm just struggling to get past the lies she has been telling everyone for months, treating everyone like fools"

You suspect she had an affair, but you don't know for sure, and even if she did, she's not cheated on you! her relationships, her business.

i agree with wannaBe. you don't really know what the score is here, but you standing in judgement of your sister can only have a detrimental effect on your relationship with her.

you may not agree with it, but its a sad fact of life that people do have affairs. you don't know her reasons, or if something drove her to it, and its not really anyone elses business.

If she's with this guy now, you probably just have to accept it, or lose her.

if i was in this situation, i would look to my family for support, not expect them to be bitching behind my back. whats done is done. family love should be unconditional. you sound like you don't really like your sister much.

don't judge until you've walked a mile in someones else's shoes.

Because she's my family and I love her.....he's not and I don't.

And once again it is not to do with the fact that she's been cheating....I'm not her parent. It's to do with all the lies and deceit fed me and the fact that I cannot adjust that quickly.

op think about this, at the moment you don't know all the in's and outs of why your sisters relationship with your bil ended.

Perhaps, before judging, you need to have a frank conversation about that, because, as I said, there are usually two sides to every story. How will you feel, for instance, if you find out he was controlling/abusive and this contributed towards your sister having an affair and subsequently ending the relationship?

it's interesting that you say you know your dsis had an affair because of the signs, but you make no reference to your bil knowing about it, what reasons does he give for the breakdown of the relationship? because i'd imagine that if it was the affair he would be being fairly vocal about that, and it seems he isn't being....?

Your bil has been a member of your family for nearly twenty years, your dsis has been for a lot longer than that, think about that.

I can understand the feeling about being lied to. Someone I knew lied to me about his affair. It was a stupid cheap little lie because he didnt want to tell the truth at that moment. I am worth more than being lied to.

wannabe my bil has been fairly vocal about the affair.

I know there are two sides to every story and I know that no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors and that it isn't any of my business anyway.

Fwiw over the last 12-18 months she has started going out a lot (nothing wrong in that I know)

Guarding her phone complete with password. Nothing wrong in that except that for the last 20 years each of their phones has always been left lying about. Now she never lets it out of her sight.

Arriving home three hours after she finished work (she works 20 mins from home) not just once but repeatedly. Again, if that's the norm (it is for me) ok but it isn't for her.

Hundreds of pounds spent on new clothes/underwear.

I have just text her to ask if I can drive down to hers and could we spend an hour in a nearby pub to talk away from ears. She has just text to say she can't make it as has other plans....fair enough short notice but she didn't suggest another time.