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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think moving in with DP is at the detriment of my children?

269 replies

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:03

The £900 per month thread made me think about my situation.

My DP of 2 years wants to move in after Christmas. He earns £38k. I work part time as I have a 2, 3 and 6 year old and earn little. I receive some housing benefit, tax credits etc and without the tax credits to help towards childcare my job isn't worthwhile. I am studying for a degree and my job is experience for my career. At the moment I work 3 days in school hours so get to do all drop offs and collections and eldest ds gets to do extra curricular activities. When DP moves in I will be working for no money as will receive no tax credits towards childcare. I can either continue doing that or get a full-time job (which DP expects me to do immediately after my degree is finished in April) - in which case my outgoings will increase massively due to childcare and I will barely see my children, extra curricular activities will have to stop etc. They like him but I feel they will really resent the change in their lifestyle bought about by him moving in. My eldest hates the after school club and the youngest two would struggle with going to nursery more. I made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that I believe children should have a primary carer around the majority of the time until at least 7/8 - we discussed this in relationship to potentially having children of our own. However now he has different expectations and I feel him moving in will be at the detriment to my children. AIBU?

OP posts:
ageofgrandillusion · 17/09/2013 22:26

He sounds like a bellend to me - money obsessed. I'd dump him, focus on your children.

Original poster
DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 22:43

He isn't as bad as this all sounds; I wouldn't have let my children meet him otherwise. I just think he's deluded; at the moment I buy nice food, we have weekends away, takeaways etc. If I worked full time we would have to be more frugal because of childcare expenses and I'd actually have much less time for him as well as the children. He massively underestimates how much I subsidise him and how much children cost, not to mention overestimating the likelihood of me finding a local well paid job. I am debt free and much better with money than him so he's said he's happy for me to be in charge of the finances. However, my exH said the very same yet used to query any spend over £3!! So naturally I'm wary.

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 17/09/2013 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoonilWazlibWuvsHermyown · 17/09/2013 22:55

It makes me sad that so many women are happy to settle for men like this even with so many people practically screaming NO DON'T DO IT.

OP the more you write, the even MORE obvious (if that was possible) answer is don't move in with him.

ItIsKnown · 17/09/2013 23:01

Run! Run like the wind!

See these?

He is on his best behaviour and will only get worse. Please!

TakingThePea · 17/09/2013 23:07

ItIsKnown

I clicked your link thinking there was a joke or something, I was looking at the screen patiently thinking it was loading as there were only red flags. ........ oh I get it! Red flags!

Duh

Jux · 17/09/2013 23:31

No, don't do it. You have little to gain and everything to lose by him moving in. Your children gain nothing and lose everything. You have your life nicely set up now to do the best by your children. Stick with it.

I would be very wary indeed of this man.

ItIsKnown · 17/09/2013 23:34

Grin This is MN and flags are déclassé so I thought naice bunting would be more appropriate.

Hope the message gets through whatever. This man is bad news.

Redlocks30 · 18/09/2013 07:51

I would him down and say you don't want to move in with him. Tell him you've thought about it and you will be much worse off financially and do not want the pressure of working full time (you haven't retrained to be a teacher, have you?) as you intend to be there for them.

Nothing in this package seems to be for you?

Redlocks30 · 18/09/2013 07:52

Sit him down!

mummytime · 18/09/2013 07:57

"He massively underestimates how much I subsidise him and how much children cost."

This is why he shouldn't move in.

You and your children would gain nothing. He would get more sex on tap, and you to do his washing.

What would he give to move in?

SilverApples · 18/09/2013 08:00

So how many people giving you an objective opinion as disinterested outsiders will it take?
There is nothing in this change of relationship of benefit for your children or you, and he is building his fantasies without foundations about how much you will earn and what your future life will be like.
If you allow him to move in with you, you are gambling an enormous amount for no discernable reason, and I'd be less worried if you were childless.
But you are risking your children's stability as well as your own.
Please, if you must have him, keep him as a non-resident shag.

Lweji · 18/09/2013 08:20

Yes, red flags all over.

Does he even contribute anything for the food he eats at yours or to compensate the extra gas and electricity for his stay at yours? Who does the cooking and the laundry?

Personally, I'd be LTB, but in any case don't let him move in.

Wait, where does his mail go to? Work or yours?
Where is hi registered address?

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/09/2013 08:25

You will massively regret it if you do and he does not sound worth the risk

GrandstandingBlueTit · 18/09/2013 08:29

Come on, OP.

You know what to do here.

Don't sacrifice your children's best interests for some cocklodging bellend.

YoniBottsBumgina · 18/09/2013 08:36

2 years is not a long time when you have DC. Moving in is basically the same level of commitment as marriage. If he does not consider the financial needs of the family to be as much his responsibility as yours (ie, he considers it more your responsibility) then he is not ready to make that step. Your relationship is not ready for it. You say he underestimates money too - there's no way you should move in before you have discussed this and he is in full understanding of the situation and you have come to an agreement you are both happy with.

I also agree with others there are some red flags too - the sex thing is ringing klaxons for me!

Please do not sacrifice your plans for him. If he is right for you then his plans will fit around yours - you shouldn't have to significantly change for no benefit/good reason.

expatinscotland · 18/09/2013 08:41

I'll never understand people who come to believe the best they can do is a cocklodging taunt like this, and especially subject their kids to it.

Beastofburden · 18/09/2013 09:05

There is more than one way to have a relationship. The OP says that she loves the guy, we shouldn't lose sight of this.

He wants a traditional set up with full personal services, a free house and most of not all of her money. It is not hard to see it from his point of view.

Assuming the OP does love the guy and doesn't want to lose him, a straight refusal is going to be hard to do. I would hang it strongly on the going back to work issue. Explain that you cannot and will not compromise on this, and he has always known this. If he is not happy to support you for the next five years, you will carry on as, with the state supporting you instead and him living elsewhere. In that case you will try to make some special times free for you two as a couple.

If he says he is happy, but you dont really believe him, make it clear that the move in is on a trial basis, and save up enough cash to cover the gap if you have to chuck him out after a bit and go back to your original set-up.

YoniBottsBumgina · 18/09/2013 09:24

He wants a traditional set up with full personal services, a free house and most of not all of her money. It is not hard to see it from his point of view.

Well, perhaps not, but I would not want a relationship with somebody who wanted this. This is not a description of a partnership. OP should be cautious about making sure that they both have the same expectations and desires about the relationship, rather than both wanting to move in together but for totally different reasons.

Redlocks30 · 18/09/2013 09:26

God, just don't do it! If you want to work p/t and be with your children and can afford to, do it. If you work full time because he tells you to, you will hate it and your kids will hate you being miserable. He is behaving like an arse and you need to tell him.

Beastofburden · 18/09/2013 09:35

yoni I agree- I was being sarcastic there!

MissDD1971 · 18/09/2013 09:51

Wow - he sees his kids monthly!

what's to stop him moving hundreds of miles away if you break up and have kids? would you be happy your kids got a monthly visit?? or 2/3 etc? I wouldn't.

WaspInTheHouse · 18/09/2013 09:53

So his barometer of being a good dad is seeing children monthly, which is why he sees no issue of you being a good parent by putting your children into full time childcare.

He no doubt spends time with you to the detriment of his children. Children come second. He's telling you this in actions and words. But these are not your values. He is unlikely to change his view. You are unlikely to change yours. How do you move forward from this?

His barometer of being a good boyfriend is to only come to your place and sleep in only your bed and eat food you have provided and probably cooked if not a takeaway? Nothing reciprocal because he has no home. Is his view of being a live-in partner the same? Do you want someone to clean up after, pay for, concede values to?

I'm not surprised his only argument is if you loved me you'd let me do all this! The argument of a person you'd want in your life would be what he could bring to it not how you could change to accommodate him!

Redlocks30 · 18/09/2013 10:00

He wants to move in. It's your house, you can say no!

lottiegarbanzo · 18/09/2013 10:05

You have a good set up already. Why would you drop that? He needs to fit in with your family and make a positive contribution, if he wants to share in your family life.

It sounds as though his motivation is money and sex and that he will badger and bully you to get his way about both, to the detriment of your family life and career.

You say, quite rightly, that you have been subsidising him significantly by having him stay with you at weekends so he doesn't need his own accommodation, and this has allowed him to pay off his debts. Does he describe it in this way, unprompted and to others? Does he openly acknowledge your massive contribution to his financial good health?

If not, he won't acknowledge your subsidising him or putting yourself and your DCs out for him in any way, ever. He will deceive himself, bully you and lie to others.

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