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AIBU?

To think moving in with DP is at the detriment of my children?

269 replies

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:03

The £900 per month thread made me think about my situation.

My DP of 2 years wants to move in after Christmas. He earns £38k. I work part time as I have a 2, 3 and 6 year old and earn little. I receive some housing benefit, tax credits etc and without the tax credits to help towards childcare my job isn't worthwhile. I am studying for a degree and my job is experience for my career. At the moment I work 3 days in school hours so get to do all drop offs and collections and eldest ds gets to do extra curricular activities. When DP moves in I will be working for no money as will receive no tax credits towards childcare. I can either continue doing that or get a full-time job (which DP expects me to do immediately after my degree is finished in April) - in which case my outgoings will increase massively due to childcare and I will barely see my children, extra curricular activities will have to stop etc. They like him but I feel they will really resent the change in their lifestyle bought about by him moving in. My eldest hates the after school club and the youngest two would struggle with going to nursery more. I made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that I believe children should have a primary carer around the majority of the time until at least 7/8 - we discussed this in relationship to potentially having children of our own. However now he has different expectations and I feel him moving in will be at the detriment to my children. AIBU?

OP posts:

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Bonsoir · 17/09/2013 12:36

I think you must say no to him moving in. Tell him it is far too soon - you want to get your degree etc before committing to a shared life with all the constraints that implies.

teatimesthree · 17/09/2013 12:36

I'd also point out to him that as he will be working away in the week, you will be effectively be a single parent to three working full time. No fun at all for anybody.

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:37

Debts will be paid off before he moves in.

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teatimesthree · 17/09/2013 12:37

I have to go, but it sounds like your gut is saying "no way". Listen to it - there are so many warning signals here. Good luck.

MimiSunshine · 17/09/2013 12:37

Have you discussed the practicalities of him moving in? You've got kids so he's joining an existing household and a family so have you discussed what parental duties you're both happy with him taking on?

I'm not saying he becomes their dad but there will be times when he has to care for them, discipline etc. it would be a good idea to cover that before he moves in (your methods for dealing with thingd) so he doesn't just sit back and leave it all to you or make you feel he is treading on your toes.

In that conversation should be "here are the household expenses, here is the money I have (including benefits) to cover them and here is the difference ill lose by you moving in". IMO by moving in he should be making up the difference. If he's not prepared to then you can't afford for him to move in.

Surely by moving in, you are both commuting to a long term future so you need to find a way to managing your household expenses, it maybe that not every bill is split 50/50 but that he pays more on utilities so you can cover the short fall in child care.

But I don't think you should go full time if you can afford to be part time and in doing so your costs will go up. It's not his call

KatyTheCleaningLady · 17/09/2013 12:37

I don't understand the idea of moving in together automatically makes you a family, but I am foreign and it's not quite the same in America.

I really, really think that you should postpone this. If he won't wait, then I think he's just looking for a home.

WaspInTheHouse · 17/09/2013 12:39

My DP of 2 years wants to move in after Christmas.

What do you think about that? Is he pushing it?

But it seems the only alternative I have is to say: you can only move it if you support us financially. Which doesn't seem fair either.

The state sees that two adults in a relationship, sharing the same dwelling, both contribute to the costs incurred, which is why they take away your benefits with the assumption the second person will step in if they're earning enough. Logically, it makes sense to say you can only move in if you cover the shortfall as we will no longer be separate but a whole unit.

If he does not want to commit to the unit as is, then why does he want to move in rather than continue the current set up?

In my opinion YANBU at all. As you said yourself "I don't feel the benefit of him living here would outweigh the financial/lifestyle impact on my children."

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 17/09/2013 12:39

I'll be the first to say it then. Cocklodger. Sadly you seem to have found yourself one of those :(

How old is this manchild exactly?

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:40

He thinks me being a single parent to three while working is easier than not working as they'd mostly be in childcare...! I would rather see them and enjoy them. My degree will be in place for when they're older but right now they are young and my priority. When he talks of moving in he says how it'll be settled for them etc but realistically they're more than happy as we are. The only one moving in will improve things for is him.

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KatyTheCleaningLady · 17/09/2013 12:41

OP, I am mostly hearing you talk about what he wants! As another poster said, your gut seems to be telling you something.

What's the benefit to him moving in? You can enjoy sex and companionship with the way things are now.

IvanaCake · 17/09/2013 12:41

My gut instinct is screaming don't do it. He "expects" you to get a full time job and earn at least £1000 a month? He's not considering you or your children in this, sorry.

WaspInTheHouse · 17/09/2013 12:42

Many x-posts

You know the answer yourself don't you.

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:43

Wasp - he wants to move in, get married, have babies etc. I think the current set up works, personally and don't see the point in changing it for now.

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LadyInDisguise · 17/09/2013 12:43

He expects you to earn £1000 a month???

And to get A job when you've finished your degree ASAP.

And to put the dcs in childcare for long periods even though you said you don't want that for them.

But he is happy to contribute the rent and good bill and ... Anything else ?

Sorry but I wouldn't accept that arrangement. Moving in with you means he will have to support you too and he will have to accept that you will parent your dcs your way, not his. Otherwise, you will end up living a life completely opposite to what you want.
If you do make some efforts for him to move in, he needs to appreciate he needs to make some too.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 17/09/2013 12:44

Lots of red flags!

Tell him that you will revisit the idea after graduating in April. Not that he will move in then. But that you will discuss it.

His reaction to this should be very telling.

Dahlen · 17/09/2013 12:44

Never move in with anyone unless you are completely on the same page about all the important things. Children are especially important. If you're not happy about things, delay moving in. If for no other reason than it sets a precedent that you will not allow him to override plans you have already agreed on.

sleepyhead · 17/09/2013 12:44

You don't want him to move in and it's perfectly ok for you to tell him this.

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:44

But he sees it as me not showing commitment I guess if he doesn't move in.

The children would like him to live here but not if they realised it'd mean missing out on me.

OP posts:

MissDD1971 · 17/09/2013 12:45

You mean have more babies as well as the ones he doesn't see being 80 miles away (am presuming he doesn't see them much)?!

no way Jose.

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:46

I do sleepy, but not if it means my kids are worse off.

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sleepyhead · 17/09/2013 12:46

But you're right not to show commitment at the moment.

You're not on the same page about lots of important things. It would be crazy to commit before your attitudes to things like finances and childcare are reconciled.

LadyInDisguise · 17/09/2013 12:49

How and when does he see his dcs?

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Dahlen · 17/09/2013 12:50

Well maybe he's right about you not showing commitment, but it's actually very healthy to not be ready for that level of commitment in a relationship where so much is not resolved.

Please stick to your guns with this. Many step-parents are fabulous beings who truly understand the enormity of the role they have voluntarily taken on. They understand that DC come first not because of a hierarchy of love, but because of a hierarchy of needs. The other step-parents who don't get this are the ones who manage too fracture the relationship between children and biological parent, sometimes to an extent where it can't be fixed.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 17/09/2013 12:51

Are you afraid of losing him over this?

tiggytape · 17/09/2013 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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