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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think moving in with DP is at the detriment of my children?

269 replies

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:03

The £900 per month thread made me think about my situation.

My DP of 2 years wants to move in after Christmas. He earns £38k. I work part time as I have a 2, 3 and 6 year old and earn little. I receive some housing benefit, tax credits etc and without the tax credits to help towards childcare my job isn't worthwhile. I am studying for a degree and my job is experience for my career. At the moment I work 3 days in school hours so get to do all drop offs and collections and eldest ds gets to do extra curricular activities. When DP moves in I will be working for no money as will receive no tax credits towards childcare. I can either continue doing that or get a full-time job (which DP expects me to do immediately after my degree is finished in April) - in which case my outgoings will increase massively due to childcare and I will barely see my children, extra curricular activities will have to stop etc. They like him but I feel they will really resent the change in their lifestyle bought about by him moving in. My eldest hates the after school club and the youngest two would struggle with going to nursery more. I made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that I believe children should have a primary carer around the majority of the time until at least 7/8 - we discussed this in relationship to potentially having children of our own. However now he has different expectations and I feel him moving in will be at the detriment to my children. AIBU?

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 17/09/2013 12:52

How old is he and why has he nowhere to live?

The debts are worrying as well.

I really don't think this is a man you should let move in with you.

LadyInDisguise · 17/09/2013 12:53

What is he doing to show his commitment?

Nanny0gg · 17/09/2013 12:55

There are too many red flags here to count.

I really wouldn't do it.

And the fact that you're even questioning it is answer enough imo.

TheSmallClanger · 17/09/2013 12:56

Your spidey senses are tingling. Never ever ignore them.

You have your children as the perfect reasonable excuse not to enter into this agreement. Don't be afraid to use it.

Beastofburden · 17/09/2013 13:00

There's at least five more years in which you are going to differ (until the baby is 7) and thats if you dont have kids together. Five years is long enough for the relationship to crash if he doesnt move in, and too long for you to hold out and/or argue about this.

I think he needs to understand that he has had free accommodation for a long time, but if he moves in, it will increase his costs because your entitlement to benefits reduces. He may think that the way to get past this is for you to work full-time, but that's not on offer and never has been. Actually, he has to pay for it, just as he would pay for rent in other circumstances.

In the medium term, getting back to work, using your degree and reducing your family's dependance on benefits all makes excellent sense. He just needs to accept that it's a ten-year plan, not a short-term one. There may be a middle way, as you may find you can get a better paid part-time job once your degree finishes.

I do echo other posters' concerns that he has had rather an odd few years- hotel existence, debts, no base of his own. This may be self-indulgence or it may be the fallout from his previous relationship- we dont know, though I hope you do.

AmberLeaf · 17/09/2013 13:01

I'd run a mile from this.

Its all about him and his wants, none of you and your childrens needs.

You both have very different ideals.

When does he see his children?

MissDD1971 · 17/09/2013 13:01

FannyFifer his debts would be paid.

would you maybe worry if he ran up more debts? I think I would be slightly worried re more debts.

Dahlen · 17/09/2013 13:04

I hope I don't cause offence to anyone reading this because it is just my opinion, but I think moving in with someone becomes very different when there are children involved.

When it's just adults, you can maintain your independence. Split bills rigidly down the middle. You are two individuals sharing living space. Hopefully with a lot of love and good sex, but essentially autonomous. You can try it out as not forever but a trial run. Avoid crossover in each other's lives, etc.

When you have children, that just can't be the same. Deciding to move in with a DP once you have children should be taken as seriously as getting married. And the DP should, IMO, accept that by moving in he is not only taking on the role of partner, but also of parent (that doesn't mean usurping the non-resident parent, but acting in addition to). That means, providing financial support and emotional support in the same was as if that child was his/her own. It doesn't necessarily mean loving that child the same as a biological child (though in most happy households, that grows with time anyway), but the behaviour shown should be as if the child matters as much as any biological child and with the same degree of commitment towards it no matter how challenging or inconvenient that may become.

If there are any doubts before moving in, they will become yawning chasms afterwards.

WaspInTheHouse · 17/09/2013 13:07

You are showing commitment to your children which is very important. He is secondary to that. That's just the way life works when your partner already has children. This should be a plus point in your favour, a personality trait that is attractive. If that's a problem then maybe he should move on rather than trying to shape you into what he wants to the detriment of your children.

It also wouldn't be a good idea to have children with someone with fundamentally differing opinions to child rearing. How much does he see his children? How does he actually parent? I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks you're too soft on your own children.

You are not unreasonable to be sensible about all this. He is unreasonable to have time limited ultimatums and make this about emotions (you're not committed enough - accusations of don't love him enough?) rather than the fact you are blending families and so need to have more planned and thought out logistically.

MissDD1971 · 17/09/2013 13:08

Dahlen - of course it is different when children are involved. I think this is what we're trying to point out to OP, eg pros/cons etc.

I, personally would be spitting mad as well at the expectation of getting a job earning x amount per month. what happens if OP were to lose (redundancy etc) that job? her DP doesn't sound overly supportive to me. jmo.

Beastofburden · 17/09/2013 13:08

On the "showing commitment" thing, this is a fairly standard bit of emotional blackmail used by men to get what they want.

You could, and should, argue that he is showing poor emotional commitment to you, by demanding somethng which he knows is not on offer rather than pay his fair share.

bear in mind that before he gets your agreement to move in, he is on his best behaviour. Once he is in, he will not improve.

friday16 · 17/09/2013 13:09

I think the current set up works, personally and don't see the point in changing it for now.

So don't change it. Simples.

ExcuseTypos · 17/09/2013 13:10

I wouldn't let him move in. You and your dc would be giving up too much.

And if he's away 4 nights a week anyway and staying with you at weekends, that won't change much if he 'moves in'. So I'd definitely leave things as they are. If he doesn't like it, then I'd say bye bye.

WilsonFrickett · 17/09/2013 13:14

Cocklodger. For sure.

And if you make more babies with this man, I expect they'll all be going into full time childcare too? As that's his parenting norm?

When does he see his own children? I suppose your house is to become a base for contact too? (not that I think that's a bad thing for the other children, it sounds like you'd be a welcome piece of stability in their lives, but is that what you want?).

You've been with this man for 2 yrs and you have a 2yo child. Have you dated in this time with him? Do you go out, have fun, see films? Or is it a case that he is free to do what he wants through the week (which won't change) then he comes home to mum (who does his washing) then to you for a couple of nights (for home cooking and sex).

Cock. Lodger. Run.

YourHandInMyHand · 17/09/2013 13:15

Don't do it.

You are right it would be to the detriment of your children. It sounds like you want very different things from family life, you placing more emphasis on time with your dcs and him on earning and putting kids in childcare.

Does he realise how much childcare costs by the way!?!

When he is staying with you or his mother is he contributing to food, bills, etc?? Does he pay csa for his children? Does he regularly and reliably see his children?

frogwatcher42 · 17/09/2013 13:16

I know somebody in a similar situation. I think she now realises that she really should have sat down and sorted this out clearly before moving in together.

Surely if you move together then your income becomes pooled like any family (not necessary if you are absolutely both loaded but in normal circumstances it takes two incomes to cover bills etc in the UK at the moment). Once the pooled money is there then surely it goes on anything that needs it, including your children. It would not be you supporting your children while he contributes to shopping, electric but not new football boots or childcare (as in friends case!). Any money left at end of month would be for treats etc.

To support the lifestyle you jointly aspire to, you decide jointly what income is required. If you do not want to work full time (and fully understand where you are coming from) then don't, and make it clear from word go that you are part time at home and therefore he will be contributing the bulk of the families income to be spent on the family as required, before you commit.

He has to face facts that things may change and you may not want to work at all at some point, and again that would be a joint decision but he would have to open to it.

IMO moving in together means committing to supporting the whole family including any step children, absent children etc. Both adults have to commit fully but with an understanding of what limits there are such at the beginning such as your wish to be at home outside of school hours.

FunnyRunner · 17/09/2013 13:17

Spidey senses tingling all over this board. Don't do it OP. You have nothing to gain from this if you're happy with the way things are - and lots to lose. Give it some more time.

If he reacts badly to needing more time - there's your answer.

mummytime · 17/09/2013 13:19

The fact he doesn't have a place of his own is a huge flashing red light.

He is a taker. At present he has work paying for his accommodation 4/5 nights a week, and then scrounges off others for the rest of the week.
HE wants to change this to dossing at your house every weekend and storing his stuff there - for free. Even though this will cost you a lot of money.

I would present him with a spread sheet showing how much money you will lose by him moving in, and ask him how he is going to make it up. Him moving in is a huge financial sacrifice for you. How much will he sacrifice?

EachAndEveryHighway · 17/09/2013 13:20

Agree with everything Dahlen says.

Also think that HE's the one not showing the commitment (basically for the reasons given by Dahlen)

His perception that your loss of benefits can be made up for by working full time, not by him contributing a greater amount to the household - i.e a very significant portion of his income is outrageous.

Also, if he works away 5 nights a week, and often spends the other nights / days with you, then you have been subsidising him big time - by saving him from having to get his own place.

He sounds very self-entitled.

ProphetOfDoom · 17/09/2013 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmberLeaf · 17/09/2013 13:44

Agree with Daglen also.

OP you have the ideals you have because you have I assume thought long and hard about what is important to you and your family.

He is trying to ride rough shod over all of that.

WilsonFrickett · 17/09/2013 13:45

His perception that your loss of benefits can be made up for by working full time, not by him contributing a greater amount to the household - i.e a very significant portion of his income is outrageous.

I'd kind of missed this point, which is excellent and bears repeating. You'll lose money when he moves in. So you have to make up the shortfall, not him? Bonkers.

can I say cocklodger again? OK, fine. Manchild

TalkativeJim · 17/09/2013 13:51

You've had great advice on this thread.

Short answer: him moving in has everything going for him and less than nothing going for you. Especially since he won't even BE there most evenings!

Don't let him move in, not only because of this, but because from what you've said about him I hope you continue to view him with suspicion for a long time to come. He doesn't sound a keeper.

Xales · 17/09/2013 13:54

He wants you to stuff your kids into care. He wants you to work full time and expects you to earn X. He wants you to have children together.

So...

When you have had these children what happens? You go back to work full time earning X and paying even more childcare? Does he contribute? What happens while you are on maternity leave and not earning? Do your DC go with out does he contribute more then?

Will he be getting up 50% of nights because you are both working full time or will you be doing them all because you only earn X and he earns 3 x X?

Would I be right in guessing you are pretty much debt free because you manage your money? How much does he contribute when he stays over now?

He is paying off his debts, hopefully paying a decent sum for his other children while living rent free in hotels or at yours...

I think him moving in would be a big mistake.

boschy · 17/09/2013 14:00

PLEASE dont do this...