To think moving in with DP is at the detriment of my children?

[DairyleaFlunker]

The £900 per month thread made me think about my situation.

My DP of 2 years wants to move in after Christmas. He earns £38k. I work part time as I have a 2, 3 and 6 year old and earn little. I receive some housing benefit, tax credits etc and without the tax credits to help towards childcare my job isn't worthwhile. I am studying for a degree and my job is experience for my career. At the moment I work 3 days in school hours so get to do all drop offs and collections and eldest ds gets to do extra curricular activities. When DP moves in I will be working for no money as will receive no tax credits towards childcare. I can either continue doing that or get a full-time job (which DP expects me to do immediately after my degree is finished in April) - in which case my outgoings will increase massively due to childcare and I will barely see my children, extra curricular activities will have to stop etc. They like him but I feel they will really resent the change in their lifestyle bought about by him moving in. My eldest hates the after school club and the youngest two would struggle with going to nursery more. I made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that I believe children should have a primary carer around the majority of the time until at least 7/8 - we discussed this in relationship to potentially having children of our own. However now he has different expectations and I feel him moving in will be at the detriment to my children. AIBU?

'Yes he appreciates that I'm doing and paying for everything alone and that if we have dc i will mostly be doing it alone so he sees working and providing as his role.'

Just the same way he fucked off on his other 2 kids. Do you realise how this reads? He's a glorified sperm donor with a wallet. A wallet whose bills will become increasingly thin once there are 6+ mouths to feed.

So you go and do all this training and then set yourself for long-term unemployment by popping out a few more babies to a man like this so you can wind up a single mum of 5 or more with no job after it finally gets through to you just how selfish this person is or he farts off on you the way he did on this other family. And, if you are not married, you are fucked.

He tells you what you want to hear to get his feet under your table. Don't be stupid enough to fall for it.

Right, so in order to move in with him, you would have to get a less good house than the one you have atm?

Er, shouldn't you be getting a better house than the one you have atm if you're moving in with another adult?

Really OP, he is sounding worse and worse. You sound desperate to try and persuade yourself that all the truths you know about him - which is that he is Bad News for you and your children - are not really there. It's like you're putting your fingers in your ears and singing lalalalala to drown out the sound of the clamouring alarm bells.

FGS don't do this, if not for your own sake, for the sake of your children. I think if you do, you will look back at this decision in five years time and rue the day you took it.

You are only 26. There is really no rush. You have an ideal set up for your situation and you are seriously considering throwing it all away for a man who hasn't earned your respect and trust. He needs to prove himself a hell of a lot longer and better, before you throw in your lot and that of your children, with him.

"I don't do his laundry but do cook for him and pay for food for us all."

OP - has he ever put his hand in his pocket at all? For anything? I am shocked that you are feeding this manchild.

"He isn't as bad as this all sounds"
I beg to differ. When you describe a situation in writing, you tend to strip out all the extraneous detail and confine yourself to the facts, just for the sake of brevity. We tend to console mislead ourselves with those details; they disguise the underlying facts. Look at the facts you've covered OP. Because that's what they are. Facts. This man currently lives the life of a single man, dropping in on you for food and sex (all free!) and you yourself have said that "[if he moved in] Though he would get more sex, which seems to be the main reason he wants to move in sometimes." Don't listen to what he says, look at what he does, because that is who he is.

Yeah basically he wants to be a single man with a regular supply of sex and domestic service in your (smaller, less comfortable for your family) house.

Seriously, it's not just that it's a shit deal for you and therefore a no-brainer; the very fact that he can suggest it, shows what sort of a man he is: a self-centred, selfish one who thinks he's got lucky with you because you present an opportunity for him to billet himself on your family without being required to contribute anything worthwhile in return.

God I hope you can't drown out the alarm bells.

Hes already being a tightwad OP If he moves in with you he WILL be financially abusive.

Hmmm. It sounds as though the current arrangement suits you quite well so you should pause for a while (at least another year) before making any changes. The people who have to live with your decisions are you and your kids. If this doesn't significantly improve your lives, your kids will resent the usurper. No man is worth that.

It may sound terrible but please don't be so keen to please him. He needs to prove that he will be able to make things easier and not harder for you, rather than you prove that you are "committed". Frankly you are committed - you already have a commitment to the children you have.

Almost all of the women posting here, have been victims of financial abuse and abuse which escalated from there.

I have myself. He started with verbal abuse, moved onto financial abuse and then to emotional abuse.

I could script him, the way I could script this guy or I wouldn't be posting.

There is nothing in someone like this, and now I have a daughter myself I cannot express that enough.

Please listen to these women. They have been there, and so have I.

There is nothing wrong with waiting.

Why does he need to move in after Xmas? Why can he not do what so many other adults do - rent a flat? If he's away all week and with you for much of the weekend, then it's only going to cost him the rent and not much more.

He is bad with money. You need him to have learnt a lesson as you and your children need stability.

Why can't he spend the few years while you're getting yourself established and your children are growing, proving himself worthy of your trust? You will be putting your life and happiness, and your children's lives and happiness, in his hands. Why can't he spend those few years showing that he won't be pissing it all away?

Wait. Just wait. Please.

Sorry OP, but this thread is making my blood run cold. This guy - weather he realises it or not - is showing every sign of being financially abusive. It's not just to your childrens detriment, but yours too. FInancial abuse means you will always be scared, and if your confidence and self esteem end up at zero, you will have done well when (if) you manage to escape - mine ended up in the minus figures. And even after he left he tried to pull a fast one on the family home, but luckily a mixture of tiger mum and a glimmer of my old self came back and blocked him, and became my first step to my recovery.
Please, please listen to the advice in this thread.

He may be being conciliatory now, after you sat down with figures and the full support of us little sprites on the internet, but that doesn't wipe the slate clean.

I think one of the most revealing things about him that you've seen first-hand, is that if he hasn't experienced something, he will nevertheless value his opinion on it more than he does the opinion of someone who does.

He's been refusing to listen to you about the reality of household costs for how long? And that at a time when people are still on their best behaviour, and don't dare take each other for granted.

That's a nasty underlying personality flaw. It's one thing to be clueless about living costs, but to be arrogant about one's cluelessness and refuse to respect more knowledgeable people is even more alarming. It's not good, Dairylea and I wouldn't dare risk being financially dependent on such a person if I was already secure.

OP please listen to all the advice here. There are so many red flags. You are managing very well at the moment and enjoying your children. Fast forward 5 years, if it all goes wrong, possibly two more little children, a smaller house, more debts and you have unsettled your family.

You have nothing to gain and everything to lose, he has nothing to loose, take this very slowly.

Out of interest does he pay maintenance? If he pays through the CSA when he moves in with you I believe the CSA will disregard the first 25% of his income because you have 3 children living with you both and then his x will receive 20% of the remainder of his salary. You will of course loose your WFTC, he seems quite money obsessed I do hope he hasn't worked this one out.

Don't do it. You gain nothing- he won't physically be there any more than now. He gains a lot- home, domestic support etc.

You get told what to do, you lose money and independence and you have concerns it won't suit the kids. Just don't do it

Don't forget your own words:

I feel him moving in will be at the detriment to my children. AIBU?

All posters are doing is telling you what you know, what you knew when you started the thread, that you are not being unreasonable in not having him move in.

I've a feeling once you've had a baby with him he'll be pressurising you to get back to work as soon as possible to be bringing home that all-important £1000 a month...

He is making lots of demands!

He wants you to do this
He wants you to do that

When will it end? What if you don't get a job?

I really don't like the sound of him & would not be living with someone who didn't think my opinion on how my children are raised was important!

He is telling you something about himself, listen.

He has it all planned out, does he not....

Please show some sense and dont go squeeze out another baby just because a man is holding a gun to your head about providing for you and your three current kids on the basis of you making one more.

You have three kids already! He is already a dad (at least on paper). How many kids are you going to support between you?

risking a flaming here but... if you read DairyLea's post it does sound as if the guy has taken on board about prioritising the kids for now, him supporting the family financially and waiting until the right time for them both ot be earning. It's a perfectly sensible family decision to move to a smaller house and not spend so much to make it work.

Lets not forget that Dairlylea is not in that great a situation. Its not as if she is letting him move into a house she owns, for instance. She relies on benefits for now to see her through till she is ready to earn for herself- those benefits wont keep coming forever, as the kids grow up. It is a good idea to have a plan for him to support the family rather than the state doing it, and for her to take over earning herself as well, once the kids are old enough.

There's a lot of mistrust of the guy here, justified perhaps by the OP but less so by dairly's subsequent posts. It's as if we dont want to listenb to her when she says she has taken the original advice, talked to him, and he has responded. That ought to a good thing, surely? unless we dont believe a word he says- which is a bit harsh as we dont know him.

Many of you here have clearly suffered from abusive relationships and in your case, this advice would have been completely justified. But we dont know the guy, and he may in fact be the right person for dairy and prepared to build a family and make it work.

Of course there are risks- but I think the OP knows that now.

He may be BoB but if he is, then there is no harm in waiting, is there?

True. But some other posters are being a bit less restrained in their advice and comments

BoB - good post but lots of men talk the talk but fail to follow up with their promises.

Thats true as well, always.

I do think cocklodgers exist, for sure. Just trying to put another POV which is that good relationships also are possible sometimes, these guys may work it out.

I would be suspicious of any man that promises to "provide" for a woman.

You will be extremely vulnerable if you fall into the trap of "not affording" childcare, and end up a sahm to 4 kids, with no career to fall back on, and tied to this man with another baby.

somehow I think dairylea is going to go for it, whatever we say...

but if you do, just dont have another baby. you have 3, he has 2, do you really need another one at this stage of your life? sounds like you are getting everything together for your future career - do that for a bit, you can have a baby in 5 or 10 years if everything is good.

BoB, that's why I suggested that the OP should ask for some contribution right now and see what his response is.
It should be telling.
(although it is a red flag that he's been partially living off her without offering to contribute...)

You already have an independent life of your own whereby you are in total control of your living space, your finances and your children. You are working towards IMPROVING your future lifestyle on your own from what you already have.

Here is a man who has no home of his own, makes no meaningful emotional contribution to the upbringing of his own children, is saddled with debt but has these fantastic ideas of how you should live your well managed, solvent, planned out life.

Whatever your feelings for him you are in a far stronger position than he is and he knows it. If he can manipulate you now to his way of thinking, which subtley removes a lot of your independence, then he can do it forever.

The whole happy family forever may sound appealing and you may feel this man can help make that happen but if you pick somebody who begins their life with you by reducing you in many ways then it will only be a matter of time before you are sitting in front of a solicitor trying to get him out of your house.

I allowed somebody to do that to me and the damage they did to myself and my children within a very short period of time financially and emotionally was shocking. One of my children still bears the emotional scar ten years on and I blame myself for that every day.

I should have listened to my friends when they said to me "He has nothing Sparkle, no home, an ex with kids which he rarely sees and a load of debt."

Good luck.