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AIBU?

To think moving in with DP is at the detriment of my children?

269 replies

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:03

The £900 per month thread made me think about my situation.

My DP of 2 years wants to move in after Christmas. He earns £38k. I work part time as I have a 2, 3 and 6 year old and earn little. I receive some housing benefit, tax credits etc and without the tax credits to help towards childcare my job isn't worthwhile. I am studying for a degree and my job is experience for my career. At the moment I work 3 days in school hours so get to do all drop offs and collections and eldest ds gets to do extra curricular activities. When DP moves in I will be working for no money as will receive no tax credits towards childcare. I can either continue doing that or get a full-time job (which DP expects me to do immediately after my degree is finished in April) - in which case my outgoings will increase massively due to childcare and I will barely see my children, extra curricular activities will have to stop etc. They like him but I feel they will really resent the change in their lifestyle bought about by him moving in. My eldest hates the after school club and the youngest two would struggle with going to nursery more. I made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that I believe children should have a primary carer around the majority of the time until at least 7/8 - we discussed this in relationship to potentially having children of our own. However now he has different expectations and I feel him moving in will be at the detriment to my children. AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

EldritchCleavage · 18/09/2013 10:08

He massively underestimates how much I subsidise him

I'm afraid I rather doubt that.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 18/09/2013 10:14

He's been living in a hotel for a long time? I guess he's gotten used to maid service, then.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/09/2013 10:15

I know I'm making him sound horrible and you know that he isn't. I'm not saying he is a horrible person. What he is, is a case study of the fact that meanness with money is a massively unattractive characteristic, with massive, pervasive implications.

Hegsy · 18/09/2013 10:15

PLease do not let him move him, not when you have such differing views! As a comparison for you my mum has recently gotten married and her husband moved in with her and my brother, my mum was getting circa £800 a month tax credits because of her low income and some other factors. With her husband moving in she gets nothing now, its irrelevant, their finances are pooled and in fact she's reduced her hours more since they got married as she was working evenings and he was working days so they got such little time together it made more sense.

What your 'D'P is proposing is proposterous and will be to the detriment of your children. The only one benefitting is him and it seems the main benefit he's interested in is sex???? agree with others cocklodger

Thumbwitch · 18/09/2013 10:16

You're not wary ENOUGH, by the sound of it. You have a decent set up with your DC at the moment; yet he thinks as soon as he moves in he gets to dictate to you what YOU should do??
Nah.
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Let me ask a question that I haven't seen answered yet - do you own your own house? Are you paying the mortgage on it? Would you expect that he would contribute to that mortgage if so? Would he expect that you are going to get married very quickly so that he could benefit from your house should you then split up?

I would direct you to the threads in Relationships by Waves and Smiles except that the earlier threads weren't in there and have since vanished - she met a bloke who seemed great, moved into her house, got married (after a year of knowing her), was keen to start a family with her, blah blah - and then when she got pg, started changing his mind and showing his true colours. Researched 2nd trimester abortions for her, to start with; wouldn't help her out while she had HG, allowed his own 2 DC to run riot in the house so she wasn't able to rest etc.

I'm not saying that's exactly how things would pan out for you, but in reality, I would see his demands on you getting a job as a massive red flag to start with.

So YANBU to think that him moving in could be detrimental to your DC - almost certainly is the answer. Do what is right for your DC first, then you; worry about him last.

Beastofburden · 18/09/2013 10:21

thumb the OP referred to helping with the rent and getting HB so I am guessing, house not owned.

Thumbwitch · 18/09/2013 10:28

Ah yes, sorry. [dim]
I started reading the thread a while ago, then went and did dinner, then came back to it so I'd forgotten.

Retroformica · 18/09/2013 11:01

I would tell him that you are planning to continue as you are for x years and he can decide what to do in terms if moving in or not.

Dahlen · 18/09/2013 11:11

I'd never move in with anyone until you've had a major disagreement about something in which you both approach a problem with completely opposing viewpoints. Unless you can resolve that thorny issue to the satisfaction of both parties, you should split up.

Some people end up living together before that happens and it weakens their position because it's a lot harder to stick to your principles and walk away once you have shared living space, a mortgage, DC, etc. Once you've established a precedent for dealing with difficult issues and your draw your own line in the sand, however, it tends to influence how other disagreements are resolved in the future. Hence that first one being so, so important.

What you do now will influence the rest of your relationship.

DairyleaFlunker · 18/09/2013 11:35

Thanks for your responses. I guess the root of all this is that I don't feel that it's me subsidising him properly - because I get some housing benefit towards our house etc I don't feel as though its 'my' money if that makes any sense. I don't do his laundry but do cook for him and pay for food for us all. I spoke to him yesterday about how much evening and weekend work I'd have if I was working full time and how much I'd hate the youngest dc being in nursery full time. He's suggested childminding, which I've thought about before and am going to look into more. Whatever happens I won't be compromising the dcs happiness or our relationship though. If he won't wait for me then so be it.

OP posts:

MissDD1971 · 18/09/2013 11:42

I know this sounds silly and got my legal hat on (I work for a solicitors).

It can be bloody hard to get someone out of a property where they share with you. There's another thread here where a poster can't get her boyfriend to move out even though he has another house and their relationship is over.

I'd have it on more equal footing IIWY.

Lweji · 18/09/2013 11:45

He's still suggesting you make up for the shortfall he's going to create...

See the red there?

DairyleaFlunker · 18/09/2013 11:49

I do but don't think it's that simple; he is very career minded and always has been. He loves his job and has never had to compromise because of children. I think he sees that I have potential (I.e am intelligent) and sees me being at home with the kids as a bit of a waste/shame for me.

OP posts:

Lweji · 18/09/2013 11:53

That's fine.

The problem is that he is imposing conditions on his moving in.

You should be imposing those conditions.

StanleyLambchop · 18/09/2013 11:55

I think he sees that I have potential (I.e am intelligent) and sees me being at home with the kids as a bit of a waste/shame for me.

It is ok for him to think that. It is not ok for him to try and pressurise you into changing your lifestyle to suit his ideas. You should be making it clear to him that bringing up children is not a waste/shame.

DairyleaFlunker · 18/09/2013 11:57

Unfortunately though, a lot of people feel that it's a waste. But I'm only 26 so I feel I have plenty of time to build my career.

OP posts:

echt · 18/09/2013 12:00

Read the thread.

Read the flags.

Red flags.

You subsidise him? He's never had to compromise? How shit is that?

EldritchCleavage · 18/09/2013 12:01

has never had to compromise because of children

That's a red flag too. A parent who has never compromised because of children? Very much reason to be careful. Doesn't sound as though he gives his own children very much of himself. Would he be any different with yours, or with a child you had together?

lottiegarbanzo · 18/09/2013 12:02

Exactly and, by pushing you into 'any job' he could set your career back.

He has values and priorities, you have values and priorities. He does not get to steamroller yours for his benefit. That he wants to is a massive concern.

It sounds as though he's never had to compromise a single man's lifestyle for anyone and hasn't even thought about why he should or what on promise might look like.

Slow down, assert your values, priorities and boundaries. Let him work out how he can fit himself into your life, one step at a time.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/09/2013 12:03

'What compromise might look like'.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/09/2013 12:05

Also he may say he thinks you're intelligent but I bet he thinks he is more so, because he thinks you and your values are wrong and you should be more like him.

WaspInTheHouse · 18/09/2013 12:06

26? Oh don't saddle yourself with this and waste years! You've a mature head on you, listen to it.

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Damnautocorrect · 18/09/2013 12:06

You have to do what's right for your kids and your family. You know them best, if being at home more is whats best. Then its non negotiable, he should not be dictating otherwise. There's plenty of time, I'd ensure when you finish your degree you keep a toe in so you will hopefully be able to walk into a job when you feel it's right. But it's when YOU feel it's right
Btw my little one has started school, so far we have 10 + mins of reading a night and have had 2 weekend projects taking upto 3/4 hrs.
Now its not alot as such but between that there's sleep (needs alot and early nights) cooking (can't be left to do homework on his own obviously) clearing up from cooking, bath etc etc. if your out long hours you need to bare that in mind too.

Beastofburden · 18/09/2013 12:07

I think he sees that I have potential (I.e am intelligent) and sees me being at home with the kids as a bit of a waste/shame for me.

Long term I think that you would feel that too. I think you are absolutely right to build your own career and reduce the family's need for benefits. But I also think that your timing is perfectly fair and reasonable, and waiting a while before going FT makes perfect sense.

Just dont take any old crap job just because it is FT. Choose a job that builds your career and is right for you. It may turn out to have slightly more hours than you might choose, and if so you might need to rethink your preference for PT. But you need a better reason than a general preference for FT over PT.

LaurieFairyCake · 18/09/2013 12:08

He's moving in to get more sex according to you

Gosh, what a keeper.

Big fat NO.

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