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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think moving in with DP is at the detriment of my children?

269 replies

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:03

The £900 per month thread made me think about my situation.

My DP of 2 years wants to move in after Christmas. He earns £38k. I work part time as I have a 2, 3 and 6 year old and earn little. I receive some housing benefit, tax credits etc and without the tax credits to help towards childcare my job isn't worthwhile. I am studying for a degree and my job is experience for my career. At the moment I work 3 days in school hours so get to do all drop offs and collections and eldest ds gets to do extra curricular activities. When DP moves in I will be working for no money as will receive no tax credits towards childcare. I can either continue doing that or get a full-time job (which DP expects me to do immediately after my degree is finished in April) - in which case my outgoings will increase massively due to childcare and I will barely see my children, extra curricular activities will have to stop etc. They like him but I feel they will really resent the change in their lifestyle bought about by him moving in. My eldest hates the after school club and the youngest two would struggle with going to nursery more. I made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that I believe children should have a primary carer around the majority of the time until at least 7/8 - we discussed this in relationship to potentially having children of our own. However now he has different expectations and I feel him moving in will be at the detriment to my children. AIBU?

OP posts:
Parmarella · 17/09/2013 14:06

Only move in, if you feel you love him so much you would marry him (even if you are not the marrying type)

Not saying you ought to get married! Living together is fine, but if you feel you love him and want to share everything with him (would look after him if he were sick, for better for worse etc. ) ....then, and ONLY THEN is it a good idea to move in together.

There is too much at stake here, with the kids involved.

Hullygully · 17/09/2013 14:09

YOU WOULD BE INSANE TO LET HIM MOVE IN

fluffyhat · 17/09/2013 14:09

I agree that moving in together gets so much more complicated when you have children already, and the rules around tax credits/benefits makes things much harder as you're forced to pool resources. It took me five years and a wedding before I finally moved in with DH, because I needed to feel secure enough for both me and DD. Two years is fine for two single people moving in together and contributing halves towards bills, but I don't think it's long enough when there are so many other children involved. He does seem to be pushing this for his own benefit, and you should definitely put your own children first, even if that means bringing this relationship to an end.

DH has no expectations for me to work as I'm studying, has taken on full financial responsibility for my DD (as her own dad doesn't contribute) and we no longer get any help from govt as he is over the CB threshold. But we discussed all of this before we got married and moved in (to a house he paid for but put me on the deeds as well). I'm unlikely to work immediately after I graduate as there are some voluntary projects I'd like to be involved in, DH is absolutely behind this. There are men out there who are generous and open and you don't have to settle for ones who simply put their own interests first. It's good for your children to see you in a settled relationship and to have a male figure around, but you shouldn't feel that you need to rush into cohabiting and having more children with this man unless it's best for you and your dc.

RoonilWazlibWuvsHermyown · 17/09/2013 14:16

I feel him moving in will be at the detriment to my children

There's your answer. Don't do it. Children should come before men.

Inertia · 17/09/2013 14:23

YANBU. Don't let him move in. It'll make you all thoroughly miserable.

I came back on here to post but can only refer you to Hullygully's 14.09 post. There is nothing more to add.

Pachacuti · 17/09/2013 14:25

Don't let him move in. The financial situation is reason enough, but TBH there are red flags all over this guy. Great big red flags that could be used to signal in semaphore to a hilltop half a mile away. Nothing to be lost by waiting for a year or so without his moving in and see where things go.

DontmindifIdo · 17/09/2013 14:48

OP - If DP can move in with you in a way that isn't reducing the quality of life for your DCs, then do that, but be quite clear, you working fulltime rather than part time in order to make up the short fall in your benefits being reduced means that financially your DCs lives will be exactly the same, but have less time with their mum, this is reducing the quality of their life overall.

If you working full time meant that you would have more money so they could have more material things/better family security, then that might off-set the downside of them getting less 'mum time', but this isn't the case, financially there will be no change for them, the only upside to you working full time will be that you get your boyfriend to move in, that's an upside to you and him, not to your DCs. They will just see the quality of their life reduce in order to improve your boyfriend's.

You have to decide, who's quality of life is the priority, you DCs or your DPs?

Now, if he can find a way to move in that doesn't reduce your DC's quality of life (as in, he makes up the shortfall in the benefits you receive and pays the difference in the costs), then that might work out, but he doesn't seem to want too.

Oh, and my mum's best friend 'dated' her 'boyfriend' for over 10 years before he moved in with her, they both had DCs who were different ages with different needs and it wasn't possible to blend the two families without massive compromises, they took the very grown up decision to just date and not live together until they were at a stage when his DCs had grown up and left home and her DCs had reached teenage years. Not ideal for my mum's friend or her DP, but best for their DCs. They are still together another 20 years later, so waiting didn't stop them being long term commitment. If your DP loves you, he'll accept that living together isn't practical until your youngest has got to 7, or unless he hands over the bulk of his income.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 17/09/2013 15:18

Another one saying PLEASE DON'T MOVE IN WITH HIM *OP!

KellyElly · 17/09/2013 15:25

There's your answer. Don't do it. Children should come before men.

sillymeagain · 17/09/2013 15:41

Op...Please re read your initial post and your replies afterwards....you already know the right answer and in varying degrees virtually everone is of a similar opinion. Your gut instinct isn't wrong. ..as supported here. Good luck.

EldritchCleavage · 17/09/2013 16:02

I think he sees your children as in the way, or rather, in his way. His attitude is just-'Oh, put them in full-time childcare'. That's worrying. I fear if he did move in you might find him less pleasant to them and less popular with them fairly quickly.

But yes, like everyone else he seems to me to be offering very little (not just financially) and asking a lot (not just financially).

cestlavielife · 17/09/2013 16:17

actually you will find that as the chidlren reach seven eight upnto say fourteen they really want you around a lot more so part time or 80 per cent contract is ideal.

the younger they are the easier it is to ahve them in full time childcare - as they get older they really want and need you around more after school. or at least on couple days after school if feasible so shiift type work or flexible working is ideal

ps dont have him move in. dont sign him onto your mortgage. keep your life and dc life going with stability

StuntGirl · 17/09/2013 16:34

Why would you even countenance this?

ClaireMammaBear · 17/09/2013 16:42

How has he got debt if he doesn't have his own place and earns 38k? Are they large debts?

I agree with the others, don't let him move in

YouTheCat · 17/09/2013 16:54

Don't do it! He sounds horribly tight fisted for a start.

When my dp moved in he was unemployed for 6 months so I supported him. Now he has a decent job and he does most of the supporting (financially) as I only work part time at the moment. He has taken on my kids as part of the package.

Anyone piling that kind of pressure on you is not a good thing in your life.

ThePlEWhoLovedMe · 17/09/2013 17:01

You have a fundamental differences of opinion on work/homelife/money and the best way to raise children ... and you want to marry and have children with this man ??

Really ?

Owllady · 17/09/2013 17:02

yanbu
I think I would have got 'rid' of someone who told me what to do with my own life and children tbh
you are an independent woman with hopes and aspirations, there is nothing wrong with that. i really wouldn't let him move in

he 'expects'
god that's never a good start

K8Middleton · 17/09/2013 17:13

You obviously don't want him to move in so I'm not sure what the point of the discussion is? I can't see why you would do this at all.

AmyFlower · 17/09/2013 17:20

Don't let him move in. I think he sounds very controlling - and he'll only have more control over you once you share a house. Go and find someone more suited to you - you seem intelligent and hardworking - you can find a much better man than him!

elfycat · 17/09/2013 17:44

An AIBU thread where everyone agrees?

Even DH has shaken his head when I read out the OP. Your 'D'P doesn't sound very partner-ish. He should enhance your family not be detrimental, and it does sound like you have it right in the question.

You don't need him to move in. You have a great plan for you and your DC. I've always felt that anyone giving ultimatums or dictating your behaviour should be told to sod off.

Owllady · 17/09/2013 17:49

tell him to sod off :o
how north of watford (love it )

ChasedByBees · 17/09/2013 18:06

Oh god no. Avoid this at all costs. Since he works away so much, you can still have essentially the same relationship with him not living with you.

juneau · 17/09/2013 18:08

Why would you want him to move in - really? It sounds like you already HAVE the situation you want and are happy with. Him moving in will improve your life and your DC's lives not one iota - in fact it will mean massive changes that neither you and nor they want. And all for what? If he works away during the week you'll see him exactly the same amount as you do now. I see massive resentment building up between the two of you if you do this and your DC may like him now, but they won't if they never get to see their mum and get stuck in nursery FT on his say-so.

Put your DC first (and yourself, for that matter).

whois · 17/09/2013 18:22

Do not move him in!!!

You won't see him during the week anyway so I don't see the benefit? Not in terms if quality time and not financially.

He can continue visiting you at the weekends.

If you move him in you WILL be prioritising the wants of an unrelated adult man over the happiness of your DCs.

Original poster
DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 22:18

He does pay for his children and sees them monthly.

He keeps talking about how in a couple of years we will earn £65k between us but even if I were working full time most of my salary would be spent on childcare. He stays in hotels as they are paid for by his company. He could have more flexibility to come home if we lived together but this wouldn't be until at least 7/8pm so he'd still be no help with the kids, he'd wake them by cooking and I'd have to do work at home so wouldn't get to spend any more time with him. Though he would get more sex, which seems to be the main reason he wants to move in sometimes.

OP posts: