To think its extremely rude, and I'm sick and tired of people telling me I'm lucky I had a "healthy" baby?

[MoveYourArmsLikeHenry]

Hi everyone I am new here and really need to vent I'm afraid.

I am an autistic parent to a beautiful 7 week old son. His dad, my DH, has a congenital heart disease and is registered disabled as he has other disabilities too.

Throughout my pregnancy all I heard was "what if your baby inherits DHs condition" and/or "what if baby has autism?"

Some of these people are my close family and friends and I have no idea what the hell gives them the right to say these awful horrible things to me.

My son was absolutely perfect when he was born. No "abnormalities", no "defects". Obviously we can't rule out autism until he's a bit older. And even then im not going to be watching his every move to see if its "normal or not" Even if he did have any of these so called "problems" he would still be perfect to me and DH! So why oh why do people feel the need to tell us that we are "lucky he was born healthy."? Seriously, it makes me so angry! It's offensive to me and DH and to parents of disabled children and also to disabled parents.

SIL was one of the charming people who said this to use and before my husband could get a word in I snapped at her and told her to stop being so fucking horrible and to fuck off out of our house! She is now not talking to me. I am not really bothered tbh just want to be left in peace to enjoy our gorgeous new son.

Can't for the life of me understand why people would say such vile things. All children are beautiful no matter their circumstances.

It's all relative..DD's struggle is thst she can't speak so I would wish she was NT..but I'd not be impressed if I had another child and someone said I bet your glad it's not autistic like DD

Have you ever thought too that SIL (I assume she is DH's sister) has issues surrounding the fact that her brother had this and has grown up with it.

My DS1 (5.5) had glue ear and only started properly talking a year ago. He is very behind developmentally. Due to his tests, operations, speech therapy, tantrums, lack of understanding/awareness I have had to treat him a little differently, do more things with him, worry more about him.

My DD is 4 years older than him and does has some issues with him. She is jealous of him as he used to get away with more things as he didn't understand and she is sometimes embarrassed and upset at school as some of her peers say things about him. She loves him to bits but she wishes he was not this way.

DS2 (17 months) has just been tested and found to have glue ear too and she was devastated as "he might be like DS1". Of course she will love him but she hopes he is different to his older brother.

So will I tbh. DS1 has been so much in his tiny life and its set to get harder as he catches up with his peers. He is funny and lightens up our life but I wish he didn't have to go through any of it.

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry I think YANBU. Your family probably meant it in the best possible way but to hear them saying things over and over again must have been difficult. SIL should butt out as it isn't her place to say.
ALL children are beautiful and that should be enough.

Summerblaze makes a good point. Your SIL may have frightening memories of growing up with a brother who was unwell a lot of the time and is perhaps frightened for you both. It's good that you've made it up, keeping communication open between you can only be a good thing.

All the best for you and your new family!

Mandala why don't you go back and read some of the comments from posters who are disabled themselves and talk about the fact they are expected to put up with "well meaning" comments that are actually deeply hurtful and disrespectful? Would you consider yourself to have a "chip on your shoulder" if you had spent your whole pregnancy having to deal with insensitive and rude comments about yourself and your partner? OP has said she will try to mend things with SIL but give her a break, as I said before you probably wouldn't be impressed if you spent a pregnancy with people fixating about your baby being disabled, would you?

And OP, congratulations on your beautiful baby and I wish you all the best.

said to us "scans can't pick up abnormalities all the time you know" and this saddened me. After all, would you say that to a non-disabled expecting couple? Not usually, no.

I think your SIL is making passive aggressive remarks with some serious judgment behind them for what ever reason.

Of course your lucky your DC are healthy - everyone who has a health DC is lucky to a certain extent.

There is a surprising amount of judgment for disabled parents.

I grew up with a girl whose parents were both blind - people felt free to say how irresponsible they were - she had a great childhood and is a successful parent and adult.

I also remember an interview with a very successful American female anchor who had visible hand disabilities. A reporter she considered a friend did a piece without her consent asking the public whether she should be allowed to have DC while the anchor was pg.

The condition was genetic but the couple had gone through genetic counseling and made a private decision and everyone thought it was appropriate to comment on this.

I got fed up with comments with 3 pg about how I'd cope as DC were close together and unasked for opinions on how we should have spaced our DC, ignore fact we had considered this, when I was clearly pg with 3rd. These comments were not helpful in any way to us.

You need to find a way to stop these comments. Or call her out politely. I don't know something like - honestly with all these comments sounds like your actually disappointed we had DC and that they are fine.

OP i think you need to explain to your SIL why it upset you so much. She may not have thought, the same with others who commented throughout your pregnancy, just why her words upset you. From her POV, seeing her brother ill and struggling, seeing how hard it probably was for all of them and how distressing when he was ill has probably coloured her judgement a lot.

I don't think saying 'congrats on a healthy baby' is at all offensive, seems pretty standard but given the back history with comments from people and your own worries, i can understand why you had had enough.

You were very rude but once you snap-that's it. I think you need to explain to her why you reacted that way, how you had had enough and you need to give her the opportunity to explain from her perspective too. That's the best way to ensure a happy family relationship. Just sounds like bad communication not real ill-intentions or shittiness.