To think its extremely rude, and I'm sick and tired of people telling me I'm lucky I had a "healthy" baby?

[MoveYourArmsLikeHenry]

Hi everyone I am new here and really need to vent I'm afraid.

I am an autistic parent to a beautiful 7 week old son. His dad, my DH, has a congenital heart disease and is registered disabled as he has other disabilities too.

Throughout my pregnancy all I heard was "what if your baby inherits DHs condition" and/or "what if baby has autism?"

Some of these people are my close family and friends and I have no idea what the hell gives them the right to say these awful horrible things to me.

My son was absolutely perfect when he was born. No "abnormalities", no "defects". Obviously we can't rule out autism until he's a bit older. And even then im not going to be watching his every move to see if its "normal or not" Even if he did have any of these so called "problems" he would still be perfect to me and DH! So why oh why do people feel the need to tell us that we are "lucky he was born healthy."? Seriously, it makes me so angry! It's offensive to me and DH and to parents of disabled children and also to disabled parents.

SIL was one of the charming people who said this to use and before my husband could get a word in I snapped at her and told her to stop being so fucking horrible and to fuck off out of our house! She is now not talking to me. I am not really bothered tbh just want to be left in peace to enjoy our gorgeous new son.

Can't for the life of me understand why people would say such vile things. All children are beautiful no matter their circumstances.

and maybe they should be. Why should the recipient bear all the hurt caused by the comment?

OP that's just what people say when you have a new baby if you have health problems or not.

I honestly didn't have people ask "What will you ddo if it has disabilities?" while I was pregnant. I just didn't

When I was a widow people made insensitive comments- you have to let it go. If people haven't been in that position they don't realise.
The last thing you want are people tiptoeing around you on egg shells, scared to open their mouth.

YABU. As someone who didn't have a healthy baby - stop being so defensive!

yes very good point

OP, glad you and SiL have made up. And I forgot to say in my first post - congratulations on your baby son!

We found out my DH had a heart problem when DS was a new born and initially it was thought to be hereditary. I feel bloody lucky that DS is fine and DH is treatable, precisely because I love them. When DS was in SCBU and the Dr s were talking about brain damage, did I think, 'oh well, me he mind, I'll love him anyway?' Of course I bloody didn't. I hoped he would be healthy, because that is a standard thing to want for people you love.

As a mum whose son passed away during child birth i find it insensitive of people complaining about trivial thing about the baby who is healthy i wish i could even be able to moan about the sleepless nights i suffered.

I think you're doing the right thing apologising and you did overreact a bit.

However, I can see where you are coming from.

To be fair, many parents won't relax 100% until the baby is born, but most people don't keep insisting that there could be something wrong with a child.
Perhaps those people around you are half empty cup people or are afraid of expecting the best to then be disappointed. They were probably just concerned for the baby.

On the other hand I see how it can grate, as it can feel as a rejection of your DH and of you because of your conditions.

However, I think you'd be better off sitting down with those people that upset you and explain why you find it upsetting.
Or just tell them you find it upsetting even if you were not clear on why, and ask them to refrain from commenting like that.

I understand totally though I think your response was a bit harsh. I have chronic health problems and the one comment that cuts me to the core is when people ask if my children will get what I have. Hold on, let me get my crystal ball out... or equally as nasty 'would you still have had children if you had known you could pass it on?'. Considering I got ill after number 5 was born I think its a vicious thing to ask whether they realise it or not!

If I were you OP I would explain my feelings. She probably doesnt understand! Also, family worry as well as experience the joy a new baby brings. She is probably relieved baby is healthy but didnt have the discretion to keep it to herself.

And congratulations :D

Congratulations on your gorgeous baby. IMO, all parents who have healthy children are very lucky. At the same time, there is no such thing as 'perfect health' and everybody will experience varying degrees of illness at some point in their lives, so saying 'lucky you have a healthy child' is a tad bit ignorant.

However, in your situation people who are constantly mentioning this to you are being a insensitive as they don't think through how such a comment would be make you and your husband feel. They probably mean well but comments like that can also be a passive aggressive way to express criticism of you and your dh in some way.

You need to grow a nice thick skin because people say all sorts of things shit all the time. I also think that it could help if you admitted to yourself that you are indeed grateful for having such a 'healthy' and perfect baby. Disabilities and sickness don't make people less 'lovely' or loveable but bring a greater degree of hardship and suffering, so you are 'lucky' and can be grateful that all is well.

Couldn't you just reply brightly "yes we are very lucky having such a perfect baby, anyone would be lucky" and then move to a different subject.?

With experience in the family of a stillborn baby, we'd give anything for a healthy baby. I'm probably over sensitive, but your post sounds over the top to me.

Congratulations on your baby!

OP, I think some people on this thread are exploiting the fact you have autism in order to convince you to put up with insensitive comments which, tbh, would have most people fuming. YANBU.

YANBU, married.

My DS1, 15, has Aspergers. There's a huge age gap between him and DS2, 7 months. My parents wondered if I waited so long because I was worried I'd have another child with a disability.

I was offended by this notion as it had never even occurred to me. DS1 is as he is, as will DS2 be and the child I'm carrying.

I can kinda see where they're coming from, but it didn't lessen my shock and upset.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. Enjoy!

Congratulations. You are entitled to your feelings.

However YABU to think it's rude. People care and make these comments in a well meaning way. They do not make them to hurt you for their own entertainment or because they are malicious.

I think you were bang out of order to talk to your SIL that way. No wonder she's not speaking to you.

The first question people ask when they hear of a birth is " are they both OK? Is the Baby OK?". It's traditional to wish people good health for themselves and their family. It is not insensitive.

Congratulations OP. enjoy your lovely baby.

YANBU. In your case it does sound as if people were saying ''lucky you have a healthy baby considering his parents. and in all truth I have never heard anyone congratulating new parents by making a point of saying how lucky it is they are healthy.

Sometimes people make a clumsy fist of communication even when they are actually well intentioned, and it does sound as if you over reacted to your SIL.

Maybe there will be a moment to apologise to her for swearing but explain directly how easy it is to hear 'how lucky the baby is not like you' in what she said.

No better people to show a baby off to than family so I hope they do learn some perspective and tact.

PS my DS has a 'congenital a normality' (horrible term) that was visible. I lost count of the number of kind, well meaning strangers, parents themselves, whose opening words in a playground were 'oh, what's wrong with him?' A small child hearing that from every other new person we met? I used to reply pointedly 'there's nothing wrong with him, he's fabulous' and then go into more detail if I felt like it.

Prepare yourself with some ready responses. Next time someone says it. laugh and say 'I guess most children grow up thinking they will be lucky if they are nothing like mum and dad. Especially yours, ha ha! ' or 'you mean not like DH or I? At the moment I'm relieved he has 't inherited your family's nose!'

Good luck, OP.

"I'm sure people have not said it out of nastiness but only concern."

"You are lucky to have a healthy baby. Everyone who has a healthy baby is."

^^ These two comments strike a chord with me. OH and I don't have any health issues but DD had some serious medical issues when she was tiny. So I would have certainly thought you were lucky to have a healthy baby out of envy. I might not have said so though.

I have just read your op again and want to add that you were being very very unreasonable for talking to your sil like that.

She was probably completely shocked and I can't blame her for not talking to you. It is not her fault that you feel sensitive about this subject and you totally lost the moral high ground by swearing.

If someone talked to me the way you did to your sil, I'd be done with them and could never trust them again and would loose all respect for that person . She may have been insensitive but it was probably an innocent and well meant comment!

Everyone has 'their lot to carry' and you are not alone in having to deal with difficult life situations (your and your dh's health issues) and other people's insensitive comments. Others on this forum can never have children, or experience multiple miscarriages or indeed have children with life limiting illnesses and disabilities. Your op comes across as self-centred.

I think you need to kick that chip on your shoulder.

Mandala. .she herself has autism which causes difficulties with social interaction and not always knowing correct way to react..hence she is asking for advice.

It's not being self centred or having chip.on shoulder

And as for it being insensitive as some posters have children with disabilities. .I have a child with a disability and understand why she is miffed (although she reacted a bit heavy handedly to SIL)