Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its extremely rude, and I'm sick and tired of people telling me I'm lucky I had a "healthy" baby?

134 replies

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry · 14/09/2013 13:10

Hi everyone I am new here and really need to vent I'm afraid.

I am an autistic parent to a beautiful 7 week old son. His dad, my DH, has a congenital heart disease and is registered disabled as he has other disabilities too.

Throughout my pregnancy all I heard was "what if your baby inherits DHs condition" and/or "what if baby has autism?" Hmm

Some of these people are my close family and friends and I have no idea what the hell gives them the right to say these awful horrible things to me.

My son was absolutely perfect when he was born. No "abnormalities", no "defects". Obviously we can't rule out autism until he's a bit older. And even then im not going to be watching his every move to see if its "normal or not" Confused Even if he did have any of these so called "problems" he would still be perfect to me and DH! So why oh why do people feel the need to tell us that we are "lucky he was born healthy."? Seriously, it makes me so angry! It's offensive to me and DH and to parents of disabled children and also to disabled parents.

SIL was one of the charming people who said this to use and before my husband could get a word in I snapped at her and told her to stop being so fucking horrible and to fuck off out of our house! She is now not talking to me. I am not really bothered tbh just want to be left in peace to enjoy our gorgeous new son.

Can't for the life of me understand why people would say such vile things. All children are beautiful no matter their circumstances.

OP posts:
SPBisResisting · 14/09/2013 13:11

Congratulations on your baby. The people around you sound like they're being very insensitive and thick. Do you have people on your side, people to make a fuss of him and of you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 13:12

YABU... How about shutting everyone out of your life just in case they pass another compliment that touches a nerve? If they said your baby was beautiful would you infer that meant you were ugly? I think you're over-sensitive and over-reacting and you are very, very lucky - the same as every other parent - that you have a healthy baby

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 14/09/2013 13:13

I'm sure people have not said it out of nastiness but only concern.

Congratulations on your new arrival :)

Pigsmummy · 14/09/2013 13:14

YABU but blame the hormones? I am happy that you have a healthy baby and i don't even know you!! you should be too!!!

DjangoTheDisSilent · 14/09/2013 13:15

To be honest I think it's the exact same when someone asked if they'd like a boy and a girl and most people say I don't mind as long as it's healthy.

Everyone wants their child to be healthy. However even if they are born with any kind of condition it doesn't mean you love them any less or any differently.

I don't have autism or a heart condition but I'm bloody sure it's no walk in the park and it must be nice to know that you won't have to watch your son grow up with the same difficulties either of you have faced.

I think telling your SIL to fuck off and get out of your home was rather extreme to be honest.

shouldistayorshouldagonooooooo · 14/09/2013 13:17

Congratulations !!! Grin

You will all ways encounter ignorant people Sad
Total fuckwitts, tell them to fuck off and enjoy your son. Flowers

MrsWolowitz · 14/09/2013 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 14/09/2013 13:17

I think you need to chill out to be honest.

"what if your baby inherits DHs condition" and/or "what if baby has autism?"

How are those perfectly sensible questions, 'awful' and 'nasty'?

Do you not feel as though you are lucky that your child was born healthy?

Because I'm quite sure millions of parents of unhealthy babies, would disagree.

Original poster
MoveYourArmsLikeHenry · 14/09/2013 13:18

Thanks for your replies. Maybe it was a bit over the top, but I just got so fed up in my pregnancy of people asking me what we would do if baby was born with a disability. What do they mean what would we do? It's our baby we would love him like any other baby.

OP posts:
TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 14/09/2013 13:19

Our eldest was a FT SB, so when the next child was born, people were cooming out with this sort of thing. I mostly sat on the annoyance I felt, though, as you say, we'd have been delighted with our child, whatever health issues it had. I tried to believe that people were trying to be kind and say something positive .... Is there no friend you could express your frustrations to, so your opinions would filter out and people would stop saying it, at least to your face?

SPBisResisting · 14/09/2013 13:19

in fairness, if someone asked me when I was already pregnant what would I do if my baby had X, I'd reply "cope" - what else is there? And that sort of question is loaded with the implication that the OP was irresponsible for getting pregnant to some extent.

RedHelenB · 14/09/2013 13:21

I certainly felt & feel licky that my 3 were born healthy. I think YABU by reading more into it than was meant. Blame it on your hormones, apologise to SIL for telling her toi f off & enjoy your new baby with all of your family.

WorraLiberty · 14/09/2013 13:21

OP, they're not asking you of you'd love it any less.

They're asking if you've thought about it and showing concern about how you might cope.

If they care about you, this is natural.

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 14/09/2013 13:22

I agree, I've said on here before that it really upsets me when people say 'as long as it's healthy'. So your child is born disabled or ill so you don't love or want him all of a sudden?
But, as I have been told many times, they're just platitudes; just people's way of saying congratulations really. At least if it's family you can tell them to do one so they know they've upset you and won't do it again.

Original poster
MoveYourArmsLikeHenry · 14/09/2013 13:22

Thanks two and two you seem to understand what I am feeling. Maybe I am being over sensitive but I just felt like people where implying that we would be "unlucky" if he was born with DHS disability, that's all.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2013 13:22

For people with no direct experience of disability, giving birth to a disabled child is a pretty scary prospect. I defy anyone to say they didn't feel relief when the midwife did the first cursory checks and declared the baby to be fit and well. So when they say 'what will you do?' they're really saying 'I don't know what I'd do'.... and when they say 'you're so lucky he's healthy' they are expressing their own fears rather than being malicious. Telling people to fuck off just makes you look ignorant rather than them

marriedinwhiteisback · 14/09/2013 13:23

Congratulations on your baby. You and DH may have taken a bit of a risk but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a child and love it for him or helself "warts an' all". I had a little boy at 27 weeks who died due to a serious congenital heart defect and one or two people including my mother said it was a stroke of luck because it meant I wouldn't have to look after a seriously ill child who probably wouldn't live too long.

I can understand how you feel but people generally lack empathy and don't understand without actually meaning to be unkind.

Also, it may be that your autism heightens your literal interpretation of what people say to you. Do you have coping techniques for these situations?

Best of luck, love and happiness to the three of you x

BlackeyedSusan · 14/09/2013 13:23

while it maay be worth watching ds with a view to starting diagnoisis early, it isn't going to change things, and ds is ds whether nt or asd. and obviously aabsolutely gorgeous and the most beautiful baby in the world! ( my ds is no longer a baby, he is now the most gorgeous boy in the world ho happens to have asd)

DoJo · 14/09/2013 13:23

I'm not sure I understand why you find it offensive - do you think that people are marginalising your husband by assuming you wouldn't want a child with the same health problems he has? Because I can understand it, but I still think you are being unreasonable to be so offended.
On a much smaller scale, I have asthma and I really hope that my son doesn't, just because I want his life to be as easy as possible and not be limited by a health condition which has made things occasionally difficult for me and no doubt worried my parents silly when I was hospitalised etc. It's not a question of not loving him if he is affected or of being ashamed or uncomfortable with the fact that I have asthma, just that I would prefer it if he didn't. I'm sure all parents have traits and quirks that they hope their kids don't inherit, but it doesn't mean that they are intolerant or insensitive of them or that they will shun their kids if they do.

exoticfruits · 14/09/2013 13:24

Congratulations, but I think you need to chill out. What your baby needs is a loving extended family-not one where everyone is falling out because they over analyse words.

phantomnamechanger · 14/09/2013 13:24

But you ARE lucky - as is everyone else who has a brand new healthy baby - that does not mean you would have loved your child any less if he had a medical problem, or develops one in later life. You would have been accepting and coped, but it is probably still a relief that he is , so far, fit and well?

Birth is a miraculous thing, full of uncertainly and potential problems. I had a stillborn daughter, my friends baby was 8 weeks prem and needed major abdominal surgery within hours of her birth. she was in hosptila for 3 months. Another friend lost her baby at 39 weeks pg to downs syndrome, and yet another has had 6 miscarriages before 12 weeks. Many people cannot even conceive.

So, congratulations on your wonderful new miraculous baby - enjoy!

LovesBeingOnHoliday · 14/09/2013 13:24

Are you luckily? Statistically should you be agreeing with them? If not then tell them. It's ignorance and lets be honest no one would want tgeir child born with any of those things. Maybe Tgey were concerned for you?

shouldistayorshouldagonooooooo · 14/09/2013 13:25

Also when Dd 2 was born she was tongue tied, had huge skin tag so they thought she had kidney problem and hip dysplatia.
I couldn't bare the thought of any one else knowing I know it's stupid but I was hormonal because I knew my dd was perfect and I didn't want any one else thinking she wants.

The mid wife slipped up in front of my dgm and dgm starting talking about dd2 will need callipers! Fucking callipers!

It was the only time I have told her to shut up, she 81 so she didn't, and I was in tears the mid wife told her off

I think i sort of understand how sensitive your feeling op

hettienne · 14/09/2013 13:25

I think it's rude. Basically people are saying "aren't you lucky the baby isn't like you/DH". Very insensitive and not something I would say to someone!

wannabedomesticgoddess · 14/09/2013 13:26

I think you were extremely rude to tell anyone to fuck off.

I also cannot understand your annoyance at people expressing happiness that your son will not have to grow up with the issues your DH faces. They are not suggesting you would not love him otherwise. They probably assume that you are happy he is healthy.