To think its extremely rude, and I'm sick and tired of people telling me I'm lucky I had a "healthy" baby?

[MoveYourArmsLikeHenry]

Hi everyone I am new here and really need to vent I'm afraid.

I am an autistic parent to a beautiful 7 week old son. His dad, my DH, has a congenital heart disease and is registered disabled as he has other disabilities too.

Throughout my pregnancy all I heard was "what if your baby inherits DHs condition" and/or "what if baby has autism?"

Some of these people are my close family and friends and I have no idea what the hell gives them the right to say these awful horrible things to me.

My son was absolutely perfect when he was born. No "abnormalities", no "defects". Obviously we can't rule out autism until he's a bit older. And even then im not going to be watching his every move to see if its "normal or not" Even if he did have any of these so called "problems" he would still be perfect to me and DH! So why oh why do people feel the need to tell us that we are "lucky he was born healthy."? Seriously, it makes me so angry! It's offensive to me and DH and to parents of disabled children and also to disabled parents.

SIL was one of the charming people who said this to use and before my husband could get a word in I snapped at her and told her to stop being so fucking horrible and to fuck off out of our house! She is now not talking to me. I am not really bothered tbh just want to be left in peace to enjoy our gorgeous new son.

Can't for the life of me understand why people would say such vile things. All children are beautiful no matter their circumstances.

SIL is your DH's sister yes? So would have grown up seeing her brother suffer due to the heart defect?

So she was expressing relief the baby wouldn't suffer in the same way?

I can completely see why that's unreasonable of her

don't you think that she meant thank god your baby doesn't have the congenital heart condition that my brother has had to deal with all his life and which has meant that he has a lifelong disability?

That's not a bad thing to be happy about, you know.

alis and imtoo you both make very good points, it was just the way she said it. I don't know, maybe I just took it the wrong way (wouldn't be like me ), as I said I just got so annoyed at people reacting in horror during my pregnancy by the thought that our child might inherit DHs condition.

By the way I have texted SIL an apology and asked if she would like to come round for Sunday lunch tomorrow and to see her new nephew

I think it really depends on the context and the tome of voice it is said.

Oh 'Thank god, he doesn't have the same illness than DH' said in a tome of relief because the child will be well is one thing.
Same word said in a tone of relief because the disability is seen as something 'bad' is different.

My DH has Asperger. Yes I could wish for him not have AS but he is the way he is and I would not wish him to be different. The SN has shaped who he is just as much as his temperament and his life experience iyswim. He wouldn't be who he is wo AS.

dc2 has AS too. Do I wish for him to be different/ Actually no because, even though he will find some stuff harder than for NT people, he is also who he is, a great child just the way he is.
Very different story than when you ave a child who will never have an independent life, which is NOT the case of the either the OP or her DH.

I would resent people who would be implying I shouldn't have had dcs because they could have had Autism because of DH (FIL is also probably on the spectrum so likely to have a strong genetic side to it) and who would then say they are relived that my dcs aren't 'like him' ie not good enough.

Well done move but I think an apology either face to face or over the phone is needed, as a text, to me, isn't enough. But then I am an old Luddite gimmer

I must be being unreasonable because hardly anyone else seems to get why it upsets me.
When I hear people say 'I don't mind if it's a boy or girl as long as it's healthy' I hear them saying 'I won't love it if it's ill or disabled'. To me it's not the same thing as 'I hope it's healthy' it's more like 'it better be healthy or else I won't want it'
Just platitudes though; probably me just being irrational, though the OP does seem to have a similar reaction to her family's comments.

party you're last paragraphs sums up nicely how I feel. But as some posters on here said, maybe I am just being over sensitive and UR. But can't help how I feel.

toomuch I am going to apologise to her face to face tomorrow as I am making a nice Sunday lunch for us :)

Hi moveyourarmslikehenry
I understand what you mean about these comments (especially from people who should know better close family). But I think they are just comments "oh your baby had brown eyes". I don't think anything horrible is meant by them it's just something people say.

If they are crossing over into "at least baby hasn't got DH condition" or "well you can tell baby isn't autistic isn't that good" then that is the point to get cross.

My dcs have autism and/or genetic conditions, so don't like the "at least they are healthy" comments. Because even if they have autism etc they are "healthy".

I do think that unless a person has spent their pregnancy worrying about whether their DC will have a genetic condition or autism, and felt the guilt that goes with it, they don't truly understand how these comments can feel like a dig at you.
I generally have a programmed response ready for these comments so I can distance myself from them.

I'm not having a go op not least because what's done is done but trying to offer an alternate to how you, in your understandably hormonal and sleep deprived state took it.

I'm more than capable of taking offence at perfectly innocuous comments if I suspect I hear a tone too so I can understand how it happens.

wheredo yes we do seem to be on the same page.

frusso thanks so much for your post you seem to understand where I am coming from. Although it was UR to tell SIL to FO I still don't think it was called for for her to say "thank god DS isn't like DH" I genuinely did find this upsetting.

I know what you mean. My dh has a disability and I was questioned throughout my pregnancies with the what if. It gets very wearing and rather offensive really. We had considered the what if and felt that if dc inherited this then there was no reason why they shouldn't still have a good life, as dh does. Obviously everyone hopes for a healthy child, but the comments about being lucky feel more loaded, as if it was a stupid decision to make in the first place. I'd make the peace with your sil op though, theres no point falling out with her over it. But you should tell her how you feel too.

Congratulations on tge birth of your ds :)

I think yanbu objecting to people saying what if your baby has autism, it implies that it would be better if a person doesn't have autism and as it is something you have that must be hurtful. I know it's very different but I am dyslexic and my dp has lots of dyslexic people in his family so when people say goodness hopefully your baby isn't dyslexic I feel like they are implying that my dyslexia is a fault. I reply by saying that I would like ds to be dyslexic as I feel dyslexia can help you see tge world from a unique angle, make the person more creative than average and most dyslexic people I know are warm and not very egotistical.

Dp had a nephew who had a life limiting condition ( he died when he was 9) when people say we are lucky that ds doesn't have that condition I completly agree with them. I wouldn't love ds any less but it would be terrible for everyone if ds was that ill.

Maybe you sil was expressing her own relief that your ds won't have to struggle with the same issues as her db, it has possibly been hard for her seeing her db have a hard time.

You are amazing considering to make a roast dinner with a tiny baby, my ds is 8 months old and I still havnt made a roast dinner after his birth ;)

YANBU. I have dyspraxia and DH has aspergers syndrome. We have 4 DS's. DS1 is showing some symptoms of AS, DS2 is physically disabled, DS3 had severe reflux and mild development delay as a baby but just mild hypermobility now and DS4 has a cleft lip and palate and a few other issues.

We've had a lot of comments during my pregnancies about how terrible it would be to have a baby like dh/me/ds2 which really annoyed me. And don't get me started on the friends and family members who went on about how they were so worried that they would have a baby like me/dh/ds2 but then got jealous that DS2 has a mobility car and they don't or that DS4 is so exhausted from his feeding problems that he sleeps more than their babies do.

Not sure if I've got this completely straight in my head...

SIL shows relief that your baby wasn't born with a heart condition and you tell her to fuck off and throw her out of the house?

I wouldn't be talking to you either. For your sake I hope she's more understanding than I might have been.

jolleigh yes and no. Yes it was an over reaction, but if the OP possibly misunderstands certain social situations having not come across them before, or how one is supposed to respond so doesn't know that "well at least the baby is healthy" is a common comment about newborn babies. She couldn't have known that it wasn't a personal dig. Plus when ds was 7wks old I was so knackered from 3 dcs lack of sleep I couldn't think straight.
Although, sil, I also presume is aware that OP has autism, so perhaps hasn't thought through her comment or how it would be received, or that OP perhaps wouldn't have thought that sil would show relief.

Congrats on your bundle of perfectness Move!

I can sympathise with you, it's incredibly draining and hurtful at such a delicate time to have had such a big part of your pregnancy and now your new time with your lovely new one brought down by other people's projections, feelings, and obviously ignoring yours feelings on this.

My partner and I both have disabilities. There is very much the message that even our desire to have kids was irresponsible, particularly my first pregnancy was filled with people making very unsubtle comments that we were being selfish and that we didn't (or couldn't) love our child as much because of our additional needs, that we were ruining them before they were born and anything that could go wrong would be our fault rather than the normal issues of parenting. After my second, I had medical people literally laugh at me and bring students into the discussion to continue laughing at me when I said my partner and I were open to having more kids.

The continual underlying message that I was risky for having them, that I am even more fortunate that most to have a healthy child and need to recognise it in ways that others aren't pushed to, and the constant hum of me and my partner being less than, less valuable, and not as good as other parents purely because of our disabilities. That can drain and upset anyone, even when the comments are couched in terms of relief or chitchat, it is within a system that treats parents with disabilities and other people with disabilities as risky liabilities that should be always grateful for what we have and questions our right to exist and live our lives as we chose.

I can understand why the OP is upset, she's had a whole pregnancy of people basically questioning whether she should be having a baby, what with being disabled and all. I mean, what if she had a 'burden'? Instead of letting her enjoy being pregnant they've constantly reminded her that things could go wrong. We all have these worries but most of us get reassurance that things will be ok and manage to put it at the back of our minds and focus on the wonderful experience. I think I'd have been a gibbering wreck if instead of being delighted at every new stage of my pregnancy my family had constantly reminded me that I'd be 'lucky' if I had a healthy baby at the end of it!

Probably the latest comment from the SIL was the final straw, especially in OP's hormonal sleep-deprived state...

Good post thespork

Oops cross post.

It sometimes pisses me off as well OP. ds1 is severely autistic & I have been told we're lucky with ds2 & ds3.

Depends how it's said - sometimes it certainly comes across as not valuing ds1. But usually those people have already revealed in other ways that they th

Think ds1 a vegetable.

God I hate mumsnetting on my phone.

My first has SEN. My second severe reflux. My third is healthy and I'm so damned pleased about that! People asking questions isn't offensive and you seem a bit sensitive.

I think TheSporkforEating sums up beautifully why YANBU. Your SIL probably wasn't trying to be mean but it was a deeply thoughtless thing to say. Despite having a disabled family member she doesn't seem to have a very positive image of disability. That said, it's good you are looking to build bridges with her. Hopefully if you can talk to her she might start to think a little more carefully about how to express herself.

YABU